Loulousweakness

I decided to join this community because I feel like I can't speak with my boyfriend about what is going on in his life. He is a recovering addict with OxyContin and other drugs. I am noticing a lot of different patters that he seemed like he didn't have before. He's been lying to me about a lot of things. The lies are just piling up to the point where I wouldn't know where to start. They are so obvious for example, numbers of him communicating with a person whom I know for a fact is still using. Sent and received messages. He tells me the phone company messed up. He's pawning stuff and has a job. The list goes on. I am saddened by this and I don't know what to do. When I try and talk to him about it he makes me feel bad by telling me things like, "when I'm doing good, no one believes me" and "you are making me feel like a failure" our conversations always just lead to him pointing the finger at me. All I hear is you, you, you. There's no "I" on his part. Everyone is telling me to leave him but I love him and feel like if I leave him, who would stay? Besides that, he is good to me. He is a wonderful person, he encouraged me to do things that I never would have done without him, very intelligent. But I feel I have lost every bit of trust in him. Now I'm just sitting here telling him I won't leave, and just try to keep a smile on my face and make him feel like everything is ok but it's not. I feel he is in complete denial. I don't know what to do. I just wish he would talk to me.

Ann

I don't know this man but those are all typical red flags that someone is indeed active in their addiction...including lying about it and trying to convince you tha you are the one with the problem.

Trust your instinct, dear, your mind sees what your heart does not want to accept but it's better to face the truth than hide in denial.

A relationship without trust is no relationship at all. He wants his drugs AND you too. You will have to decide if this is the life you want for yourself, because addiction is a progressive disease and gets worse very quickly as time passes.

Love cannot save our addicted loved ones, if it did not one of us would be here. Only they can save themselves when they are ready...and some are not ready for years.

If you were my daughter I would suggest you move on. You deserve better and the worse is yet to come if you stay.

Whatever you choose, we are walking with you and hope you find comfort and support here.

Hugs

zoso77

Welcome to the Board, LLW. I'm glad you posted and shared what's going on.

Our other members will be by to greet you and offer you support, but I've got a few thoughts of my own that I'd like to share.

Ann hit it out of the park when she said:

Given all the red flags that you've brought up, I would say it's highly probable he's back to using. The question is what are you going to do about it. What you must be aware of at all times is while he is still using, he will continue to lie to your face without conscience or remorse. The only relationship he has right now that matters is the one he has with drugs. And yet, you say:

When he lies to your face, he's not being good to you. And if you leave, I can assure you that nothing will change with him. You can't save him. He can only save himself, and that's only if he chooses to.

I encourage you to read as many of the posts as you can. Others have been where you are and have managed to successfully cope. Pay attention to what they've shared. And again, Welcome to the Board.

Eddiebuckle

LouLou,

He is almost definitely relapsing. Your love has nothing to do with his addiction/relapse, and unfortunately is much weaker than addiction. Your description makes it clear what he has chosen: deceit over honesty. It is not about you - but for sure you can choose to stay along for the ride. Don't... it will only allow him to continue to deceive himself that everything is OK, and it will only get worse for your relationship.

The question isn't whether you love him. Do you love yourself?

zoso77

Bump.

chicory

Welcome Loulou,

I am sorry about your boyfriend.. I would imagine you are in a confused state of mind. Its good you are here, because you can talk to us about anything, and you will find a lot of understanding. Many in your shoes can give you support.
Its tough when the communication goes out the window... and with lies he loses your trust, as you said. Sadly, its typical, and until he wants to get well, that will probably continue. They lie for one , because they are protecting their drug use.

We are here for you. It can help to talk about this, and you will get truth here.

big hugs,

Loulousweakness

Thank you all for the comments. I just never been faced with a decision like this before. I think there are many reasons in my mind that keeps me here. When I think of leaving, I guess I hope that it'll make him change and come back for me. Knowing that addicts chooses their drugs over you, we know that won't happen. I probably already know in my mind that he will just move on. That hurts me. I wish I didn't have to lose him. Then I worry about him with the drugs, using even more once I'm gone or hurting himself even more. I'm glad that I found this community of people to talk to though. We are staying with eachother right now so I've been trying to come up with a plan. I have a child that stays with his father on shared time so I will most definally put things into action when he is gone. I guess I thought I could change him, but from the sounds of it and the way he repeatadly lies to me, makes me see that things probably won't change by my persuasion. I've already threatened leaving before too and he seems to go mad over it. Threatens himself, etc. It flip flops. He will try to keep me here then he will say, leave then, you are giving up on us.

HerbiceXXV

I don't have a lot to add. I know that I am psychologically attached to my axgf... even though none of it makes sense for me and my family in building a solid future. That said, something you said stuck out to me... "but I love him and feel like if I leave him, who would stay?" I found (still find?) myself thinking thoughts along these lines. It's very difficult to break away from that.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was in the 'stickies' on this page, there is a post called "What Addicts Do". Give it a read.

Loulousweakness

That was a good read. Thank you. I know I must sound like an idiot for saying that he's good to me. I think that I am in denial also over the situation. Besides all of this stuff he's doing behind my back and the lying, he makes himself seem like quit the Prince Charming. But I guess that is how they reel us in. But I do care for him as a person. He's too good of a person to waste away with drugs. He was in college at one point in his life. He has a very great mind, too good to waste.

zoso77

You can no longer afford to be in denial, LouLou. By joining here and sharing what you've shared, you know exactly what is going on. Believe what your eyes and gut are telling you.

Loulousweakness

Thank you. So far I know for a fact that he's been taking legal pills called kratom. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone or him, but to me it is. For one I feel that it will just make him feel like he needs more and end up doing much worse and he's hiding it. This girl friend is another problem. She won't stop contacting him and I'm sure they probably still speak some kind of way. She too is an ex addict but I don't believe anything ever ended. Maybe for a short time but after hearing all of the lies and witnessing this person offering him meth, I'm not quite sure if he was even doing good with it when we met. I don't think that he will ever change his life around until he completely cuts ties with this person. I tell him all of the time that he needs to call her and end it buy he never does. But nothing I say will matter. Because obviously they don't care what we say. As of today, he still hasn't been up front with me. Aside from the hiding behind my back and lying, he puts up a loving front, constantly kissing me and loving on me. He definally knows what he is doing because when I go through the moments of anger over it, I get quiet and can't even look him in the eye. I can feel him staring at me and it feels like he is constantly buttering me up.