JT

I am new to this but not to the chaos... I am the daughter/x-wife/sister/and now mother of alchoholics. I have 2 stints in al anon under my belt and I really am okay.
The problem?? It looks as tho my son's bottom is going to involve some jail time. I have loved him unconditionally and have been supportive while allowing him to be homeless. I have fought off a mother's urge to feed him, cloth him, let him sleep here (this time) because I know in my heart that helping isn't helping and I tell him I love him each and every time he calls and he gets mad but he believes me.
He has gotten just enough help to take the fun out of his drinking. He might be thinking or he might still be saying what people want him to say, I can't know, but I do know the fun has gone out of it and
that is a step.
I am just so tired...I am not sure that I can bear knowing he is in jail (not just for a day or two...been there). I am not sure I WANT to bear it. (not suicidal...just ready to break).

Rose56

Hi Just Tired and welcome. I am new to this board - about a month. It has helped me imensely. I was watching the movie "Castaway" last night - I only caught the ending. He said that he learned that he has to just keep breathing. Because you never know what the tide will bring in. And you can get places you never thought you could go. I thought of this when I read your post. Maybe rent the movie, he overcame impossible odds to survive. By simply remembering to keep breathing.
You are strong, you have made it this far, you can go the distance. Your son can make it too, even from jail. He can reclaim his life, it is possible, others have. Can you take a bath or read a book, or go shopping? Whatever relaxes you and helps you feel connected to your strength. Take care and keep breathing.

JT

Thanks Rose...I think I read your first posting where you described screaming. Was that you? I broke a set of dishes once..the whole set..because my husband and my son were fighting and I wanted them to stop. That was almost 10 years ago. I think I started al anon soon after that.
Now what you said about "just keep breathing" made me smile. Now that's keeping it simple!!!!
There is nothing quite like sharing with people who get it! I think I am going to go to some AA open speaker meetings. They are so inspiring. I have always walked out of there feeling like there is hope for the drinker. Can you believe that I have gone to these meetings with my father? Maybe someday we can have 3 generations sitting side by side...Thanks again.

beginning2c

Oh Dear, Let me tell you that I have the exact same problems. All my family is either an alcoholic of a drug addict and some are both. I have one son, the youngest in JAIL. He has been there 2 years. It was devistating to have to see him handcuffed and in orange jumpsuit. But, you know what? I am glad he is there. It took several months for me not to want him calling every week. And while he is there, I am not dealing with more of his trouble. He is learning a hard lesson, the type some people just have to learn. Plus, I have the older son, who is the worst kind of drunk. Mean, abusive stupid acting and trouble making. Strangely, he has never been this way with me, only girlfriends and other friends. He is on his way out with me. I am fed up with the partying, drinking and using me for a bed to sleep and food to eat. Now Get a load of this- My husband is a prescription drug addict. He takes extreme painkillers of which i don't know if i can mention here. Falls over in his food, has no hope for his future, and has ruined his life. Now, my husband and oldest son have fed off each others needs for 3 years. One needs booze, the other more pills from the street. Terrible thing about all this is my husband tried to help my oldest son in many good ways. But it never happened the way he wanted, SO my husband left ME saying he never wanted anything to do with my son again in his life! He is divorcing me for having an alcoholic son. So , here I am in the middle of all this hurt and pain at times so unbearable I don't think I can make it through the day. Crying, lonliness, extreme and deep hurt.
I just had to do something. That something is to get myself help before I fall apart. And I have rough days, but I am getting better. But my husband did somethings that could really affect me in a horrid way. I have no money. He quit his $60k job 3 yrs ago to sit in a lounge chair and burn hundreds of holes in it and the floor with cigs. Then he'd take uppers and start huge projects on the house that are unfinished to this day! I am ashamed to say I live here. Didn't pay his taxes for the 401 he cashed out,(owes a whopping $30,000,spent every penny in 6 months ($80k) then proceeded to max out every credit card ($40k) then wants a divorce! And is telling me I could be partially responsible for his debt!
I couldn't take it any more, reallized I had spent my entire life enabling people, and now, I am going to take care of me. me me me
I see me free someday. Free from the constant fear and worry. Letting go of these people and letting my higher power take them. I can feel ok about my sons being in jail. Its what they deserve.
I hope you don't feel alone. I certianly know what you are going through. Oh, by the way, my sister is an A too. Thankfully, she lives far enough away that I don't have to deal with her.
Keep your head up, you and I will get through these times! And thank God for this website where we can get genuine help from others who have been there too.
God Bless

JT

Thanks so much Beginning2c!
I was having a very bad day...sounds like you have had a few of your own!
After reading and posting on this board I am feeling much better...I know that jail may save my son's life and I know from years in the program that there IS hope that he will become a functioning member of society. And what you said about the orange jump suit thing....been there! Nothing quite like it is there? I just don't see myself baking cookies and sending them off to prison!
My first husband was an A and I got caught up in alot of sick behavior....my current husband is a very functional A, but after he fell an destroyed the 2nd coffee table I told him..(calmly)..I am not going to leave today but I won't put up with this forever. I know that I will only take so much. They are all around me like I have "hurt me" stamped on my forehead!
Good luck to you! You can now be more in control of your own life than ever. You can sleep at night and not worry that someone is going to drop a cig and burn the house down! You can eat what you want for dinner, your bathroom will be cleaner, and your bedroom won't reek of alcohol! Doesn't sound half bad to me....if you look at the bright side.

Thanks for caring! Tired

deedee

Hey Tired -

Glad to see you posting here. I can relate to your fears, because I also have a son who's an addict. He'd been living on the streets and last September, my second worst fear happened - he called me from jail and he wasn't wiggling out of this one easily. In fact, he's been there ever since (pre-sentencing because I wouldn't bail him out) and was just transferred last week to a 6-month prison drug treatment program. When he was first picked up, I was devastated and was also feeling his shame was my shame. But with the help of the naranon/alanon program and wonderful sites such as this, I have learned to move on with my life and my recovery. I still don't like where he is, but he made his choices and must suffer his consequences. And it is much more peaceful for me, knowing where he is and that he's safe and alive. HP gives us what we need, when we need it. I have to believe that this is where my son needs to be right now.

So take comfort where you can find it - as mothers, it is so very hard to watch our children fall. But we deserve a life too and I'm really glad you're here with us.

deedee

JT

Thanks so much Deedee,

Your post gave me alot of comfort.

Guilt and blame are my biggest enemy's and most days are good. I have done alot of work on letting go of what I cannot change and one of those things is the past. All that I can do today is be supportive and listen when he is trying to stay sober. And when he isn't I have to be try to be strong and not get in God's way.

Two weekends ago I was driving home from the grocery store and I am pretty certain I passed him on the street. I found out later that he had nowhere to go that weekend. It was -18 degees outside. He had been kicked out of a shelter. I wasn't even sure it was him, but I was paralysed. If I took him into my car what would I do with him? There could be no good end to that scenerio. When he had to go back out he would be angry and I would be in alot of pain. So I kept driving and it chokes me up right now thinking about it. It took me a few days to get my balance again. No one has caused me the kind of pain that he has, mixed feelings, regret, anger, and confusion. I pride myself on being strong and independent. And I monitor my internal barometer and when I am in a bad place I do what I can to pick myself back up and move on. But that day....right out of the blue....I felt like I had been punched.

Thanks so much for sharing, Just Tired

beginning2c

Hi Tired,
Let me say that last night I told my oldest son, the one not in jail, that he was to leave me alone and get out of my life till he straightens his own out. I can't tell you how much it hurts. But the hurt he was causing me was much much worse. I did it. I never thought I would have the courage to tell him to get out, but I did. There is going to be a time when the proverbial straw will break your camels back and you totally let go. I just did after 23 years. Seems like I am cleaning the garbage out of my life. I have to let go of the constant worry about him in the ditch somewhere or sleeping in someones yard as he has done many times because he gets thrown out of their house. I have realized that I enabled this kid more than anyone else. Always bailing him out of jail, always giving him a place to stay when no one else wanted him near their property. He's a destructive drunk, likes to bash in car windows, destroy property. So, now he's all alone. Let's see if he sinks or swims. As for me, even though it hurts like hell to abandon my own son, he has abandoned me all these years with his behavior. When you start thinking of yourself and your well being, and your sanity, it's worth anything to get it back!
I am getting mine back. I ain't a gonna tolerate nobodys BS any more!
I feel like such a meanie, but I'll get over it. May God help our children.

JT

My prayers are with you....and today they are with me, too.
I read something kind of interesting this am about how the alcoholic has his arms wrapped around the bottle and we have our arms wrapped around the alcoholic. It kind of gave the whole thing a visual...we are as sick as they are.
We cannot control their choices, and how many times do we have to get kicked in the teeth to learn that?
Hugs,
Just Tired

beginning2c

Wow, I can visualize this bottle thing going on in my life, with booze and drugs.
My alcoholic mother(recoverd for 20 years) Has this clear sticker with tiny black words on it, on her mirror in the bathroom. I had to really squint to read it. It said:

YOU ARE LOOKING AT THE PROBLEM.

Bam! I see now. I may not be all the problem, but I am my OWN problem!
And, as for the boys in our life, they always know how to survive. I learned this over the years. I hadn't heard from mine in 2 days since I threw him out. He did call to say he was alright. I felt like oh no, here is my strength being tested. But, I passed because my sanity demands it. Your son will survive. My prayers always ask God to spare his life and bring him to his knees.