Regrets and Anger
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 23
Regrets and Anger
How do you all handle regrets?
I seem to be spending an awful amount of time pondering the "what ifs" you know like what if I had spent more time looking after my needs than his? What if I had poured my energy into the kids or the house or the animals or my work? It's hard not to be angry at myself for the total denial I lived in for so long.
I am also really angry, livid even at XAH's total lack of regard for this financial mess he's left me with, and that he hasn't once asked how the kids are in the last three months. I'm shocked (I know I shouldn't be) that he hasn't tried to talk to the kids, the last time he contacted them was from the mental health unit after his "suicide attempt", he hasn't even rung to tell them he's out and ok, the only way I knew was because his sister contacted me. How can he possibly believe that he can just walk away and expect me to unravel this mess.
Help me someone please.
I seem to be spending an awful amount of time pondering the "what ifs" you know like what if I had spent more time looking after my needs than his? What if I had poured my energy into the kids or the house or the animals or my work? It's hard not to be angry at myself for the total denial I lived in for so long.
I am also really angry, livid even at XAH's total lack of regard for this financial mess he's left me with, and that he hasn't once asked how the kids are in the last three months. I'm shocked (I know I shouldn't be) that he hasn't tried to talk to the kids, the last time he contacted them was from the mental health unit after his "suicide attempt", he hasn't even rung to tell them he's out and ok, the only way I knew was because his sister contacted me. How can he possibly believe that he can just walk away and expect me to unravel this mess.
Help me someone please.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
Kidden: How do I handle regrets you ask? I Don't. I did nothing to regret. I did, and am still doing the best I can. I have been divorced for a bit over 4 month (Legally), and happy and proud to say have not touched a drink for 118 days (and counting lol)Do not ponder on the what ifs, ponder on the what is 
I have one 13 year old boy, I worry about his well being I am not worried about my X....that is why he's my X. I deserve better, a chance to live. You and your children do to. Unless my boy brings up his dad, I say nothing. I'm always the one speaking so highly of the X. All my son sees is how his father made his mom cry, and still seems to now.
I have one 13 year old boy, I worry about his well being I am not worried about my X....that is why he's my X. I deserve better, a chance to live. You and your children do to. Unless my boy brings up his dad, I say nothing. I'm always the one speaking so highly of the X. All my son sees is how his father made his mom cry, and still seems to now.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Hi kidden,
I learned to live with my regrets when I learned to let them go. My regrets trapped me in the past and kept me stuck. I had made my choices, paid my price, it was time to forgive myself so I could move on.
I am sorry for what your children are going through. When my parents first seperated my dad did much the same. It was at least a year before my sisters and I saw him on a regular basis and when he had left he emptied the bank accounts and maxed out their one credit card. My mom was a housewife and my youngest sister was an infant. We didnt have food or formula. She turned to family for help. Swallow your pride and do what you need to to take care of yourself and the kids. You can do it!
I learned to live with my regrets when I learned to let them go. My regrets trapped me in the past and kept me stuck. I had made my choices, paid my price, it was time to forgive myself so I could move on.
I am sorry for what your children are going through. When my parents first seperated my dad did much the same. It was at least a year before my sisters and I saw him on a regular basis and when he had left he emptied the bank accounts and maxed out their one credit card. My mom was a housewife and my youngest sister was an infant. We didnt have food or formula. She turned to family for help. Swallow your pride and do what you need to to take care of yourself and the kids. You can do it!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Al-Anon and therapy. Lots of both. My regrets only serve to keep me in the past, and that's the last place I want to be. I try to let go of my resentments because I've come to terms with never being able to have expectations of an active alcoholic. Lesson after the test sort of deal. Expecting anything other than complete chaos and carnage is just setting yourself up for huge disappointments.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
Hi Kidden,
I am not sure - so far I am trying to tell myself that I have my own disease. I try to no more regret the way being an Al Anon placed me and my son ( who really would never have been born ) where we are today than I would regret having a tumor. Now that I know I have this disease and now that I know I can treat it - I owe it to myself to fight for my life. I owe it to my son. I dislike it. I wish I did not suffer from it. Sometimes I even feel sorry for myself - but I try to give myself the same love and understanding I would to some one suffering from an illness. So far it is helping - but I just started changing to this line of thinking a few months ago.
Good Luck!
I am not sure - so far I am trying to tell myself that I have my own disease. I try to no more regret the way being an Al Anon placed me and my son ( who really would never have been born ) where we are today than I would regret having a tumor. Now that I know I have this disease and now that I know I can treat it - I owe it to myself to fight for my life. I owe it to my son. I dislike it. I wish I did not suffer from it. Sometimes I even feel sorry for myself - but I try to give myself the same love and understanding I would to some one suffering from an illness. So far it is helping - but I just started changing to this line of thinking a few months ago.
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's impossible to out-think obsessional thinking. The only thing that works for me is to take action .... go to an Alanon meeting, call someone to talk, get out of the house and do ANYTHING (fast walking, go to the mall, etc). Right now you're letting him live rent-free in your head. Alanon saved my sanity and I recommend it.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
It's impossible to out-think obsessional thinking. The only thing that works for me is to take action .... go to an Alanon meeting, call someone to talk, get out of the house and do ANYTHING (fast walking, go to the mall, etc). Right now you're letting him live rent-free in your head. Alanon saved my sanity and I recommend it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
By remembering that I can't change the past. As soon as I realize I'm chasing around a 'what-if' in my head, I change my thoughts. I took me a long time to figure out that regrets do nothing more than eat at me, keeping me in victim mode.
Can you let your anger be a motivator? When my xah left us in financial straits it became a motivator to me, like a challenge. It made me want to prove to him that I could be a financially-stable single mom in spite of his self-centered jackass status. I worked two jobs, clipped coupons, shopped at thrift stores, and managed to buy a house in a good neighborhood. It was hard, so hard, but I'm proud of what I've done for my kids.
Can you let your anger be a motivator? When my xah left us in financial straits it became a motivator to me, like a challenge. It made me want to prove to him that I could be a financially-stable single mom in spite of his self-centered jackass status. I worked two jobs, clipped coupons, shopped at thrift stores, and managed to buy a house in a good neighborhood. It was hard, so hard, but I'm proud of what I've done for my kids.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
There is nothing that can be done about the past it's done gone the only thing that can. Be done is to learn form it. A friend sent me this a while ago and I have it pinned up in my bedroom
You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. Your human not perfect, you've been hurt but your alive. Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey but there is also a lot of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we are hurt, for we will never know what is waiting for us just around the bend.
She also sent me this. Some times it's ok if the only thing you did today was breathe.
I have many regrets but I am learning that there is nothing that I can do about the past except learn from it move forward and make sure I don't make the same mistakes again.
You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. Your human not perfect, you've been hurt but your alive. Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey but there is also a lot of beauty. We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we are hurt, for we will never know what is waiting for us just around the bend.
She also sent me this. Some times it's ok if the only thing you did today was breathe.
I have many regrets but I am learning that there is nothing that I can do about the past except learn from it move forward and make sure I don't make the same mistakes again.
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