3 Hours of Mediation with XAH - Praying for Him

Old 07-12-2014, 09:53 AM
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3 Hours of Mediation with XAH - Praying for Him

I have asked God to help Xah. He just isn't doing so well.

Here I was yesterday, all the way from Europe, then driving six hours from my mother's house to meet three lawyers and xah to try to finish this divorce.

The lawyers were good. I sat at a long table on one end with them. Xah put himself in a chair at the other end, pushed his chair away from the table and held himself back from us all. We tried to resolve the question of the house, the belongings, the support and alimony. I saw four women working together and one man trying to drag things out and being rather uncooperative.

He didn't have his financial statement updated as required. No explanation forthcoming. He pretended to not have received the proposed list to divide belongings sent to him and his lawyer two months ago, then resent at his request late June. Then - he had it in his computer after all. It only costs over half a grand each for each hour we spend going over things he could have resolved cost free ages ago. Then he threatened to leave his high-paying job so everything would come to a grinding halt.

He's blocked. Such is denial. He may not be able to afford the family house and he can't keep all that stuff without paying me for it. He did receive a ton of money this spring and who knows what he did with it. Without the financial statement we don't know but we do know that he received big bucks and he didn't put it anywhere responsible. But he wants the 6 bedroom house and all of the stuff in it. Otherwise, he said that the children won't want to spend time with him. He said that he thinks that is what I want. Sad.

After that statement, I spoke to him longer than I have in almost two years, since he went crazy. I told him that the children don't care so much where he lives and what stuff he has. I told him what they really want is a father who is honest, reliable, kind and considerate. They want a father that they can look up to. When I said that, he looked down at the floor, fumbled with some papers, and got ready to leave. He thinks he can't be that person.

Once I get the updated financial statement, I am probably going to give him the house and a lot of the stuff in exchange for having him help me get a better place to live with the children in Europe. He's on my lease now, and I will need him on my lease again or I will not be able to move for a very long time yet. That might be me dreaming, eh, but he may not be able to have the house at all otherwise, and it would give the children what they want - which is two happy parents and two good places to be. I would be still tied to xah, but with four children I am stuck with him in many respects any way. I want to get a slightly bigger place a little further out of town and maybe then I can pay less rent.

I felt good yesterday. I felt strong, grounded, funny, and competent. Through all of this I learned the following: I am not going to break that easily; and time will pass and things will sort themselves out - slowly, painfully slowly - but sort they will. I had all three lawyers on my side.

Well, then of course there had to be drama afterwards. I delivered my younger children to xah for their visit with him in our family home. DD14 has already been with him this past week. She was furious with me. Because after the mediation, he told her that I am planning on taking the children's belongings - to sell them. Great, xah. Way to start a nice visit with your children who have traveled across the world to see you.

He's like a problem teen with a whole lot of cash.

I hope someone else out there learns from these exploits. My message to you is: if it is really hard being in your marriage, it may be very hard getting out of your marriage. It may take a very long time and everything you've got. But life is long and the sun will shine and good will prevails.

God bless xah. And my children. And yours.
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Old 07-12-2014, 11:55 AM
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Just a lot of (((((((((hugs)))))))) Pippi. I do know what you are going through, I'm having to deal with my stubborn ex again, and I wouldn't wish these things on my worst enemy.
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Old 07-12-2014, 12:52 PM
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Thanks, Amy.

I am sorry for anyone who has to go through anything comparable. Especially the children.
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Old 07-14-2014, 06:00 AM
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Pippi,

I pray for resolution for you and yours.
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Old 07-14-2014, 09:21 AM
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Pippi, I keep reading this thread title as "3 Hours of MEDITATION w/XAH" and each time I think "gosh, why would a person do THAT?"

I love your second-to-last line, "But life is long and the sun will shine and good will prevails." Amen!
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Old 07-14-2014, 09:37 AM
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Pippi, any updates? How are you?
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Old 07-14-2014, 09:54 AM
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Thanks, everyone

The latest bad is: I still don't have an updated financial statement from xah. He has sent me piles of long crazy ranting emails with every issue he can think of in there and threats about trying to force me out of my home. He wants me to organize and drive the children to their activities while they are staying with him and I am in another state. He is angry that there are responsibilities that come with the children because he thinks he should get to relax and not have to handle anything.

The good is: There is some forward momentum about splitting belongings. I am going to the house in two days to get my stuff/what I can.

I also just sent him a vague proposal about helping him to stay in our family home if he gives me similar support on my end and we have everything officially agreed upon with attorneys.

It will be interesting to see everyone's response to that.

I can't seem to concentrate on anything else. That has been the big problem these past two years. I am a very single-focus kind of person, in that if I am working on a big project - I obsess about the big project. Dealing with xah - first to try to understand his behavior, abuse, alcoholism, personality disorder - and then to get through the divorce - has been huge. That's why I put it off for so many years because I had four young children and I couldn't do anything but put all of my love and energy into them.

When this is all done (God willing it will be soon!!!) then I can get the rest of my life in order.

I feel like everyone connected with me is holding their breath that things will all work out this week. Praying for xah feels like the best use of my time. I see he is struggling. I told him that I will help him to keep the house. I used to think he would only get better if the house was taken away from him. If I pulled out of his life and kept the children safe from him. Then he would be forced to look at himself. I don't have the power to do any of that. This is between him and God.

Thank you again for giving me the opportunity to think all of this through.
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Old 07-14-2014, 10:11 AM
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Pippi,

I hear change coming from you - Letting Go! Good for you! Big hugs.
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Old 07-14-2014, 11:03 AM
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Pippi...I hope he comes to his senses and agrees so you can get it all over with. I know what a HUGE relief that would be. I know it's not ideal, but I hope you get some time to try and enjoy yourself a little on this trip.

XXX
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Old 07-14-2014, 02:39 PM
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I just talked to my lawyer. She says that xah still wants to be with me. I know. He will stay connected any way he can, which is why he is dragging things out with the divorce. I guess it is nice to be wanted.

I was a pretty good wife to him. I am remembering who I used to be and I can tap into that more lately. I'm coming back to life.

My lawyer actually likes me crazy plan. It helps him keep the house and it helps me get a better place. It keeps us legally and financially bound to one another for probably 3 more years so maybe xah will love it. He can't keep the house without agreeing to this plan. So there you go.

I think I want to go talk to xah. My lawyer told me to be nice to him. This is the first time since he went crazy and I kicked him out of my life for good that I can even contemplate this. If I talk to him he will probably give me what I want, whether he can afford to or not.

My lawyer says that he isn't happy.

I am almost forgetting that I am not a mean person. This whole situation makes me feel like I am because I am the one that kicked him out, I am the one that exposed his alcoholism to people in our lives, I am the one that broke up our family by refusing to put up with the binging and lies and abuse, I am the one that is insisting on keeping far away in a foreign land and cutting off ties to people from my past. I ripped it and them out of my life because how else could I get rid of the crazy, the lies, the violence, the danger and the volatility?

My lawyer wanted to know who he is. Sometimes he was snide, often sad, agitated, troubled, absent-minded. Or is it something else and not absent-mindedness, she wanted to know. He says he sent papers and then he didn't. He sends the wrong documents. He fumbles. When I tell her everyone has always said that about him and I don't know, maybe it is the drinking, she didn't seem to believe me. I told her that I have thought about him from every possible angle and he is contradictory. She said passive aggressive. She sees that there is something not right. So do we all. And yet people get drawn to him. They want to understand, to help, they get closer and get sucked right in.

Am I going to offer to meet him for coffee and try to work this thing out? If I do, will I be okay? Will I get sucked in to? I am stronger than that now, though. I think.
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Old 07-14-2014, 02:52 PM
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Interesting turn of events.

I cannot advise you Pippi. I can see how tempting it would be to think a face to face 'real' conversation could potentially wrap up your never-ending D. However, he has a PD and yet is charismatic. Would you just get drawn back in? Only you can answer that question. I'd sleep on it and try to work out in your mind what are you getting out of such a proposed meeting? If it is just to propose a conclusion to all of the divorce, maybe it is OK. But if it is to try to manipulate him and play a few old rounds of your relationship, maybe it isn't the safest approach? Is he setting you up to hurt even more? Is he about to lose his job?

Tread carefully.
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Old 07-14-2014, 02:59 PM
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I appreciate that feedback, CodeJob. It isn't possible for me to get too sucked in to him because being terrorized by him so thoroughly, part of me is completely gone to him. Which strangely makes me safer than I used to be.

I want to conclude the divorce. I want him to give us more money, too. My lawyer said to be nice to him this week before Monday's final mediation. That was in response to my question of whether I might come away with significantly more child support/alimony. So I could just meet him face to face. But twice during mediations I have been face to face with him and he starts considering offering me more, then starts to retract it, then I get really mad and my mouth starts running its own program in spite of my brain, and then we have the makings of a small scene.
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Old 07-14-2014, 03:00 PM
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His work seems to be going hunky-dory.
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Old 07-14-2014, 06:04 PM
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I hear you Pippi & can I say what a positive attitude you have managed to hold throughout this latest experience in your journey.
You go girl, don't look back & yes it will all be good eventually.
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