DisplacedGRITS

I swear! I had that thought at the end of work on Thursday!! I was stressed. I'd taken a last minute groom at the end of my day. It really was one dog too many. I'd already had a busy day with several loud dogs and a pug who absolutely DID NOT want his nails done. My last minute dog was being difficult and trying to bite the air from the dryer and I was just itching to get done and get to my women's meeting. Suddenly, while I'm blow drying Ole Nippy, the through scrolled through my head like a rolling marquee.

My immediate thought after that wasn't a glorification of a drink. Instead, I saw an empty bottle that I had to hide and a downward spiral of drinking and regret. I saw myself losing my job, isolating from my friends and a decent into lies and trying to save face while losing my ass to alcohol again.

After that can relief. Then I got the itch. I began to think that since I didn't experience a craving, I could just cover this errant thought up. No one needed to know and if I didn't tell anyone, I could just sweep it under the rug. Hey, no harm no foul, right? Instead, my mom called minutes later and I shared it with her real quick. Later, I found myself in my car 30 minutes late to the meeting. Perhaps I should just head home...? No. I had my butt in the chair at 7:35 and as soon as the meeting was open, I fessed up with my sponsor sitting a few chairs away from me. I felt...relief.

I chatted with my sponsor afterwards and I must admit, I was a bit glum for the thought having ever occurred. She pointed out that, yeah, how dare an alcoholic think about a drink!! HAH! Pulled me right out of the poor me's!

I just wanted to share. I can't help being an alcoholic but I can help being sober.

huntingtontx

Great post. I really enjoyed reading it.

Croissant

Don't worry DG...yeah, I always slam a pleasant drinking memory with a really bad thought. The pain, the queasiness whatever works.

I always ask myself, is there any stress that it would help if I drank? No. So I've already made that pledge that drinking won't help anything, so I don't.

Good on you for not acting on it.

MIRecovery

Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, HALT. Your story sounds like a classic case to me.

As I moved on in sobriety I realized that I used alcohol to treat what ailed me. For me hunger and anger are my two triggers.

When the bite comes now I try to figure out what is really wrong and fix it

trachemys

I've taken a page from Star Trek regarding hails from the beast. All such messages get run through the Universal Translator.

Where it said, " a glass of wine would be nice" in it's native tongue, I heard, "a liver transplant would be nice".

Ain't landin' on that planet.

MIRecovery

Very funny I love it and oh so true

aasharon90

I don't know how many times the Serenity Prayer
pulled me away from those unwanted thoughts.

There are many useful, effective, healthy
tools we learn in recovery to use and
practice before ever picking up a drink
of poison.

alcohol = xxxpoisonxxx

Eddiebuckle

Good advice - I think sometimes we can get too obsessive, thinking that because we are sober that we should be "fixed" by now. The reality is you were no less "broken" while having that thought as you were before it occurred to you. It's a thought, our thoughts are real but they are not reality.

Notmyrealname

I am just over a year now and I still get the "what if?"s once in awhile. What if I bought a four pack of triple IPA? What if I got a pint of whiskey? I don't know if that ever stops, it's a bit like someone telling you, "don't think about a green elephant, RIGHT NOW!" sort of ensuring that you will have a green elephant flash in your mind for a second, but it sounds like your processing of the event was good, evaluating the negative consequences instead of going to alcohol-impulse-brain-mode.

Those neural paths have been trod again and again for quite some time so it doesn't take much to light 'em up again, but I imagine eventually everything fades away. Keep up the good work!

HeadLump

Great thread, thank you, DG.

I hope ole Nippy gets his comeuppance one day soon!

Carlotta

You handled it very well, good going.
I like your sponsor

Nuudawn

Great post DG. I think yo bring up an extremely important point in how easy it is for our to "personalize" an AV thought. It's just a thought yet somehow we find reason to belittle our being for having a thought. Our ego tells us mean little things about our essence...due to a thought. How great your sponsor was to pull you out of that in the way she did. It's just a thought... a reminder that the addiction can raise its head at anytime...especially when we are vulnerable (as in the H.A.L.T. times). The thought is not us..it's just the damn addiction.

The THOUGHT of a drink may pop up...and sometimes seemingly out of nowhere..it's just a thought...an AV thought.

I'm starting to realize that once addiction is present....although it can be successfully arrested and be far, far less troublesome. We simply are not impervious to "old thoughts". Admittedly, I have never been fond of the "disease" word...although I am when I break it down to "dis-ease". Any maybe that's all any disease really is... a dis-ease in the body. Maybe I should get better at accepting that word. Cancer can be eradicated from the body..but there's always a chance it can come back. And in the cancer analogy, it's best I live my life in a way that doesn't make it easy for it with good self care.

PurpleKnight

Nice post!!

Dee74

Thoughts are thoughts - it's what we do with them that counts...
You did good dG

D

Tamerua

Love your post. And your sponsor!

LadyBlue0527

I love this post

That is active recovery in progress! Your mind went immediately to realistic reminders of why you can't drink. Your brain is retraining and isn't it great?

There will come a day that you'll belt out "I need a drink!" Then you'll laugh.

neferkamichael

DisplacedGRITS, and now you are that much more powerful over alcohol, rootin for ya.

airwick

I can't handle being an alcoholic, but I can handle being sober I like it!

VikingGF

Grits- You were one of the first people to comment on my original post back in 2011. I'm so glad to see you here! I didn't last too long back then, but I'm back. Sounds like you're doing well- that's wonderful.

Lisa