taaanya

My boyfriend and me have been together for 2years but 1 year apart from each other, he in America and I was in Germany. I came back to live with him 5 weeks ago and spent pretty much all of my money to come back. Now I realized, that he has a serious problem... he drinks a lot of hard liquor and is drunk every single day. When I tried to talk to him in the beginning, he told me, that he is aware of this problem and he is working on it... well apparently working on the problem for him means, drinking secretly on the bus or when I am at work and hiding his bottles under the bed! I've threatened to leave him, but I do not know a lot of people over here and I can't afford my own place. I don't want to live like this, with all the lies, the hiding, me looking for hidden alcohol, but there is not really a place for me to get out of the situation...

honeypig

taanya, welcome to SR. I'm glad you found us here. It sounds like your BF definitely has a serious problem and you feel you don't have many options. I'm sorry this has happened to you, and I'd say you're wise to realize that his statement that he's "working on it" is pretty much just bull$hit. Many of us here believed this type of stuff for a loooong time when we heard it, so you've got a head start in that respect!

Threads on this site about detachment, like this one Detaching - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information, might help you to keep from engaging in the craziness and make life more bearable while you find a permanent solution. In addition to reading and posting here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, I'd definitely suggest Alanon. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

In addition to finding support for yourself in Alanon, you may also be able to find resources and/or individuals who can help you w/your situation of being in a country where you don't know many people and you don't have much money. I wish I had specific info to give you in that area but I'm not knowledgeable about this type of thing. I feel sure that someone here will know more and will be along to offer some advice.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you move ahead, taanya--you are not alone, and there will be a solution to your struggles.

lillamy

Hi,

I'm also an immigrant who found myself with an alcoholic (I married him before I realized he had a problem, it sounds like you're smarter than that!).

Honestly, if you've only been here that short a period of time, my recommendation would be to squirrel away as much money as you can to get back home. I was able to leave and build a life for myself -- but I had been here over 20 years and had a well-paid job and health insurance and a good support system. Without that, it would have been very ,very difficult.

taaanya

Hey lillamy, I am glad we are not married yet. That was the original plan, we wanted to create a life together and I was the happiest person on the planet, when I finally sat in the airplane... I don't even know myself anymore, I have this new thing that I run around the house and collect all of his empty bottles to show him, what's going on... I feel like I am freaking out. On the other hand I do not have a plan b, we are living in a ski resort in Colorado and I don't even have a car, so it's not an easy way to escape. Sure I can start saving every penny, but is it possible to still live with somebody who you love, but you know you can't help this person and you're just waiting for the right time to leave?

honeypig

Collecting his bottles and showing them to him to "show him what's going on" is a waste of your time. He obviously knows what's going on, since he's the one who drank the contents, right? You will not succeed in changing him thru that tactic; many here have tried it.

Regarding living with him--do you have someplace else to go? If you do, then definitely go there. Your original post sounded as if you had no other options. But as far as it being possible to live w/someone in this situation if there is no other choice, yes, of course it is. Many here have done exactly that. It's not easy, but they have used various tools (this site, Alanon, detachment) to make it until they were able to leave.

I'd encourage you to read as much as you can here. You'll see that your situation is not unique, and there is a lot of wisdom and hope shared here by those who've been in your shoes. Take a few deep breaths, stop focusing on him and instead focus on yourself, on learning about what you're up against and how best to help yourself. You'll be OK.

taaanya

thank you, honeypig for your advise. I was reading a lot in the forums of this site and it really helps in this very moment, but as soon as i am standing in front of him, i have no idea what to say or do... I am looking for roommate wanted adds on the internet and in our local newspaper, but my current situation is not going to change tomorrow. I signed up for a membership at the gym, to get out of the house more often and it helps me, to do something for myself but again as soon as I see him, i have the weirdest thoughts in my head: did he drink? do I smell something? did he drink at work? can I have a "normal" conversation with him? It is really hard to escape that circle, but I am soooo ready to try. Unfortunately there is only 1 Alanon meeting per week in the valley and thats next friday...

honeypig

I understand that feeling of wanting an end to the problem, NOW! It's good that you're getting out and doing things for yourself, and I'm especially happy you're looking into Alanon, altho it's too bad it's such a long time until there's a meeting.

I'm not sure what kind of social services you might have access to, but you could check w/your local YWCA, or maybe a domestic violence shelter. Perhaps they could at least give you some information on temporary places to stay or the like. Calling your local Alanon Central Office might get you some useful information on temporary shelter also.

Do you have anyone that would let you sleep on their couch for a few days or a week while you work on finding another alternative? Are you willing to contact a shelter for the homeless? Do you have an affiliation with any church, where you might be able to find help? It's summer--is it possible for you to stay at a campground for a while? Could you possibly find some sort of "work for room and board" situation?

I'm kind of flinging out any wild ideas I can think of to get you out of there, if that is your primary concern--wish I knew more to tell you. I hope one of these is useful.

taaanya

Well, both of us will be very busy at work this weekend, and we have different schedules so I won't see him at all for the next two days, but I'll keep looking for all of these possibilities.
I mean, it's only been 5 weeks, but I think its better to escape earlier than later... I am also hoping for the Alanon meeting next week to find new contacts to talk to, maybe not just for the meetings, i am sure that'll be very helpful!

honeypig

I could not agree more w/you that the sooner you are out, the better. This is a short-term relationship, and there is simply no reason for you to stick around when he has no intention of changing a single thing.

I hope you find help at the Alanon meeting also--my experience has been that folks there will do whatever they can for you, and who knows what doors may open?

Please keep checking in here so we know you're OK. I don't know if he has any violent tendencies, but please keep yourself safe all the same. Try not to engage w/him about anything, as in the long run it doesn't matter; you're leaving as soon as you can anyway, right? Just nod, smile, let it roll off your back as best you can. Arguing w/a drunk will only frustrate you while getting nowhere.

Weekends are often a bit slow on the forums, so I'm still thinking you may hear from people w/a lot more experience in this area than I have.

taaanya

You've been very helpful! Thank you so much!

I don't know if i can really manage to ignore him or just smile at him when I am in the mood for crying, but I'll try my best. I guess the worst part about this whole story is that we had a dream together, now that we finally have each other again, its just a nightmare... Why does this happen to people?? I don't get it...

He does not have any violent tendencies (yet). Thats one good thing. I'll keep you in the loop. Thanks again

honeypig

taaanya, just checking. Hope you're doing OK and hope even more that you might have been able to find an option to get out of the place you live soon.

fluffyflea

Once you have really made the decision to leave things will start popping up that will help you out of there. Sounds like he has a serious problem and there isn,t anything you can do. He has to want help.

taaanya

Well, I did not find a place to live, yet. I am saving every penny right now, so I really hope it won't take a lot longer. Until then I am acting like everything is ok and I am trying to get out of the house as much as I can. I also started to talk about this with a co-worker of mine. Her husband was addicted to cocaine, so she is also helping me a lot.
I have to admit, that I am still looking for hidden alcohol around the house and I find new secret places every day...I have discovered the golf bag and the walk in closet today.

I know, this doesn't really help, but every time I go on another stroll through the house I feel less love and more hate - which (I hope so, at least) helps me leaving without feeling guilty for his situation....

honeypig

taaanya, glad you checked in. Getting out of the house as much as possible is good. Just trying to keep yourself removed, emotionally and physically, as much as you can seems to be about all you can do for now, it seems. The anger is understandable.

Sorry there's no progress on a place to stay yet. Keep on trying!

Thanks for letting us know you're safe.

taaanya

I will be joining my first al-anon meeting on Friday and I am really nervous....what's the first meeting like?? Did it change your thinking right after the first time you've been there? I feel like that's my first day on a new job... and I am a little scared, too. Weird...

honeypig

Hi, taaanya, good to hear from you! Here's a link to some info at SR about what the first meeting is like: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ings-like.html

The Alanon site itself also has a lot of info on what to expect: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/what-can-i-expect

And there are many, many posts here from people w/the same questions as you have. You'll probably get some replies here, plus you can search this section of the forum for more.

I don't know that I'd say it changed my thinking right away after the first meeting in terms of suddenly understanding everything, but it sure did change my level of hope and my belief that I could find a way to be happy, regardless of what my A did or didn't do. And real change does take time, but for me, just the knowledge that there WAS a way thru was so key in picking myself up by the bra straps and moving ahead.

I'm glad that you haven't lost your resolve to go to a meeting, and I hope you find it helpful. Has anything else turned up to help you out of your situation? I hope so.

Hang in.

lillamy

Yes. It's a special circle of hell, but you can do it. I would also expand my circles while waiting -- make your own friends; maybe you'll find someone you can move in with (I'm guessing housing is tight and expensive) down the line?