Butterfly

So where I live today is having a street party it happens every year. I don't involve myself with it I can't be bothered with the nonsense. Anyway my AH told me he wasn't doing anything tonight and would be staying in his mums. At about 11pm my kids came in and told me he was in the street and he told them not to tell me but of course they did. He was drunk and on his own his friend had cleared off and left him. My daughter was so angry and embarrassed. I didn't go out near him and about 2 hours later he came to the house and started banging on the door. My daughter came over and asked him what he wanted to which he replied I want into my home to use the toilet. My daughter told him it was no longer his home as he lost it the minute he walked out. He wasn't impressed with her and continued to bang the door telling my neighbours the wife won't let me in! I was out the back so didn't hear the door so my son let him in to go to the toilet. My son heard me coming in so quickly came into the living room to tell me where I stayed until he left. My son blocked his path into the living room so he wouldn't come in. He left and I locked the door!! He approached my daughter again and asked her for drink which she refused he even asked her to go into the house and get him drink saying I know there is drink in the house again she refused.

So he is now sitting outside my house with people he doesn't know, probably so they will give him drink laughing and joking. The party is still going on and will for a few more hours.

I am really angry how dare he embarrass the kids and sit outside my house. He's being incredibly selfish and showing no thought for the kids. My some came in early I imagine he didn't want to be around his dad.

My daughter doesn't want to leave him as she is worried something will happen to him. I've tried to explain to her that she can't look out for him as this is his choice and he must suffer the consequences himself without his family propping him up but it's hard for her to understand that and not worry. I know I was like that.

I know what he's after his friend has cleared off so he will have no where to stay as he wouldn't go back to his mums at this time so he will be wanting to stay here which is why he is staying so close to my daughter. There is no way he is staying.

suki44883

They're just precious, aren't they?

Butterfly

And to top it all off my daughter has just come home in tears after having an argument with AH. He was mean and nasty. He told her that he wanted to come round and see his kids and family and what's wrong with that. She told him if he wanted to see his kids and family he should make more effort when he's sober and not come round drunk. She told him that he chose drink over his family and he told yeah so!! so angry that his behaviour has hurt and upset my daughter. She never wants to see him again. She has been bottling all this up since he left and now she has got it out of her system but she is so upset. If I was to see him now I wouldn't be responsible for my actions I feel like going looking for him and telling him what a useless a$$ he is and to stay away from me and the kids.

He stormed off and dear knows where he is but for the first time I'm not worried about him I think I have finally accepted that he needs to suffer the consequences of his addiction!!!!

Yes suki kids are so precious. I don't want them to feel that they need to. Protect me it's my responsibility to protect them!!

dandylion

Confused----WOW! A few weeks ago..you would not have been able to handle this...I dare say!!

I think you handled this thoroughly wretched and shameful behavior in a mature and healthy way.

I believe that you children are in the late teen years? You can't completely shield them from the reality of their father---they will have to be able to cope with their feelings--whatever they are...on their own. It will have to be enough that they feel safe and can talk openly with you about their feelings...rather than stuff them down or harbor some unrealistic fantasy about him.

I am sorry that the evening was so unpleasant...but, you did good, confused!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

Butterfly

Your right dandylion not so long ago I would have been out in the street trying to talk to him making sure he was ok and when he eventually did storm off I would have been up half the night worried about him. Last night helped me see how much more stronger I have become.

Yes my kids are 16 & 29. I am proud of my daughter for finally saying what she has needed to say for so long however I wish that she had told him when he was sober as he won't remember any of it. But it was good for her to get it off her chest.

NWGRITS

Even if he had been sober, alcoholics have a way of rewriting history. They are masters of denial. I spent most of my first 27 years in an alcoholic home. I've seen, said, and screamed it all. They just don't get it.

Butterfly

It's 4 months today since he left and I didn't realise it until late afternoon. I knew it was coming up and usually as soon as I would wake I would remember but not today.

Butterfly

He had the cheek to text my daughter and ask her if she wanted to do something tomorrow. No apology nothing. She didn't reply to him. How can he just not acknowledge his behaviour??

ladyscribbler

Aggravating, isn't it? There's the possibility that he truly doesn't remember much or any of what he did last night. My ex used to black out and then sometimes later he would create an alternate version of reality. He might not remember that he put your daughter through hell last night. He might just have a fuzzy memory of seeing her.
Even if he had a photographic memory of his behavior, it wouldn't be advantageous for him to acknowledge that he was stinking drunk and out of control.
I learned to avoid a lot of that anger and frustration by not expecting my ex to behave in a sane and rational manner. Once I lowered my expectations to rock bottom and then took them down two more notches, well I was still disappointed, but nothing really surprised me anymore. I know that it's so much worse when they're jerking your kids around.
So sorry you and your kids are dealing with this crap. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I truly feel the pain your daughter is experiencing. Hugs to you all.

FireSprite

I'm really sorry you all had to go through all of that, but I gotta say..... your kids are ROCK STARS with the way they have stepped up & chosen to handle things! In light of everything, that's got to make you feel SO proud!

NWGRITS

Trying to think about his behavior rationally is madness. Alcoholism is an irrational beast. You can try to throw logic and common sense at it, and all you'll get back is sh*t. Seriously. LS said it best: lower your expectations to nothing and then knock them down a few notches after that.

Butterfly

I am very proud of my kids and yes firespirit they are ROCK STARS

I still haven't contacted him to talk about the other night I don't see the point although I want to yell and scream at him but it won't change anything and he won't acknowledge how his behaviour sucked and even if he did it wouldn't mean anything because his words are meaningless. He will also try to blame my daughter I suspect because she was angry with him I can hear him now "you should have heard the way she spoke to me how dare she speak to me like that" and accepting no responsibility!!

He contacted my son also to see if he wanted to do anything today but my son said no. I think AH was testing the waters with the kids.

It is a sad picture to watch I am getting stronger each day, the kids are doing well which is great and he is spiralling and beginning to lose everything to his addiction. I read a post about functioning alcoholic to alcoholic and I always believed he was a functioning alcoholic as he had a job kept his family and home but now I see that it was me holding him together and maybe to some extent controlling his addiction as he felt that he couldn't drink as often as he wanted to at home but now he's living with his mum he has less co told and his drinking is becoming worse and when he eventually does get his apartment he will have none he is an alcoholic yes he may keep his job for now but I am beginning to understand that nothing will get in his way of drinking. He has lost his wife his home and his daughter and my son can't really be bothered with him I don't think it will be long before he doesn't want to see him again.

FireSprite

I agree, labels are tricky things. I think "functional alcoholism" is like saying you have "just a little cancer". It doesn't change the war you have to wage, just the structure of the battles.

When someone is still being justified as "functional", either by themselves or others, there is a much more psychological battle to be fought in terms of even getting everyone (codies too) to even see that addiction is a serious problem.

Take that versus someone who has "lost it all" where there are so many more externalized pieces of "evidence" to support the theory. And when you throw in a mental illness crossover..... oy, my brain starts going chicken/egg/chicken/egg... it gets so much harder & more confusing.

Of course, the commonality is that we are equally out on control in all scenarios; the only constant is the progression of the disease unless recovery begins.

Butterfly

Yeah are they really functioning if there addiction is affecting their loved ones and they don't recognise a problem. I always said he was a functioning alcoholic now I realise I was kidding myself and didn't want to see the truth. I am only now starting to see how I refused to see what was right I front of my face and start the process of why I ignored it. It was also only when he left and I started reading everything I could on addiction that I recognised how serious it is and how serious my AH relationship with drink is

Since he left his addiction has progressed fast and he tells himself that drinking makes him happy. He certainly looked happy the other night laughing and joking out the front of my house but I think this is what they tell themselves to justify there reasons for not recognising it as a problem. His mental health has deteriorated and he is out of control as I was when he we were together. I am slowly gaining control over my life and I say slowly because at times it's like 1 step forward and 10 steps back but I keep plodding on.

dandylion

confused----just want to say that I especially LOve the message in your avitar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

FeelingGreat

Hi Confused, well he wanted unrestricted access to the drink, and now he's got it and all sorts of hell is breaking loose. I hope he can see it before it goes much further.

Really admire the way you all handled it, and the way your son protected you.

Butterfly

Unfortunately feelinggreat I think it will get much worse!!

Dandylion a friend sent it to me not long after my AH walked out I love it and the meaning is something I read everyday.

Butterfly

Well he sent my daughter a text message apologising for his behaviour the other night and how he didn't mean to embarrass her and how it won't happen again. She didn't reply but I am annoyed that he couldn't apologise to her face he had to do it over text. I guess he realised that when she ignored his previous texts she was annoyed with him. She still hasn't replied to him and is adamant that she wants nothing more to do with him!!!!

hopeful4

O yes, the famous text. My XAH has texted both of my kids saying sorry. And normally the sorry came with a big BUT....

One day my DD (age 14) just exploded on him and said to stop blaming everyone else for his issues and own it. She went off. I was sadly very proud of her as she had this all bottled in for a long time. The texts of im sorry followed, she ignored them. They did finally talk, but she is very cautious with him now.

Butterfly

I hope he makes the effort to talk to her.