Teggie

Well I'm not too proud of myself, my addicted other sent me an IM tonight saying he ruined his cell phone and needed my number so he could call and talk to our son ( we are seperated atm, my hello post says why) I had a really crappy day, felt so angry, irritable with the kids, kids have been fighting and getting into stuff all day, so out of impulse I tell him I'm being sued over the house that had to be left when he split, had bills pouring in from everywhere and how I knew he didn't care but thought I'd do an fyi for him. He acted surprised and said why do you think I would'nt care? So that really blew me over and I proceeded to tell him just what I thought of how he walked out on us and what we have had to endure trying to get on our feet again. I told him how depressed I had been since 4 monthes before he left and how I even considered suicide when it was over. Nothing but bs, he still acts like he didn't have much to do with it, that it was all my doing and how he left because he thought I wanted him to. Gah...why did I even do that, I know I can't have a civilized conversation with him without blowing up and it hurts me so bad because I loved him once with everything I had. I didn't even mention his addiction, but I doubt seriously he feels the need to do anything about that in his own I'm perfect world. After doing all that I feel bad because I feel that I'm the one who needs to work on getting myself better so I don't feel this way . Lashing at him will do no good, even if he does deserve it, I'm only hurting myself. Anyways I don't mean this as a pity post, just needed to vent and verbalize it, because I feel like I am going nuts. Well back on the wagon I go.....Teggie

Lorelai

(((Teggie)))
I think that sometimes we just have to spit it out - say what we want to say. Not all the time, but sometimes.

I think it is our expectation of the response that we have to get rid of. You wanted him to understand that he had hurt you, that he was irresponsible and that he was wrong. You know he'll never admit to understanding that.

If I can say what I want to say and then feel better, that's great. But if I say something in order to get some validation of my feelings from him, I'm setting myself up for confusion and pain.
L

Teggie

(((Lorelai)))
Your words make so much sense to me, how I wish I was at your level of recovery. You are right, I lashed out to make him aware of my pain and try to make him as miserable as I am. A part of it felt good to bring it out in the open,(the anger and the hurt) but at the same time I feel like it was the wrong way to do it. Surprisingly I got an email from him basically saying he was sorry, that he had left because he felt I wanted him to go, and had no idea I had been depressed, that the depression was prob from living with him and that he still loves us. We do have a son together and that in itself will bind us forever. I don't think I am at a point in my recovery to deal with him yet. I feel very vulnerable because a part of me still loves him, but there are many issues that must be dealt with in order for any type of reconcialiation to occur. On his side is his addictions, controlling behavior and irregular work status. On mine is my codependant tendencies, my self esteem and self worth and depression. Love doesn't seem to be enough. Not to mention my family has a very poor opinion of him. I feel, and maybye I'm wrong but if he really loves us and wants us in his life he'll decide (for himself) (key word there) to get back into AA and if that happened maybye I would consider marriage counseling. Right now I think we are better off apart where we can deal with these issues seperatley. I need to work my steps, function and take care of my kids and deal with past and present issues of having an addicted spouse, father and sister that I've never addressed with myself. Gah I'm rambling again, please forgive me, I don't mean to sound like a pity me party. Anyways thanks for listening to me....Teggie

Magichappens

Hey Teggie,
Have you tried any Al-Anon meetings? Or gotten any of the literature? One of the slogans that I first started using was "How Important Is It?" I ask myself is it so important that I win an argument? Another slogan that I use alot is "Think." Instead of impulsively acting or saying the first thing that I feel, can I wait until another time to respond? Usually my first reactions cause me more problems than what I was originally reacting too. I have literally had to bite my tongue before to keep from reacting. I've said the serenity prayer over and over to myself. Anything to keep me from creating more havoc than there already is. These simple tools are not easy to practice, but they were the building blocks that began my recovery in Al-Anon. The books that I read helped me, the group that I joined has helped. Taking the focus off the alcoholic and putting it on me, learning to take care of me, learning that I don't have a time limit on my recovery. These things were such a help to me when I began. If you keep trying, it will come. Don't give up. Hugs, Magic

Teggie

Thanks Magic! I appreciate your words of wisdom. I've been trying to get to al-anon meetings here in my area but have run into alot of problems with getting someone to stay with my kiddos while I go. I do have 3 alanon books that I read and I lurk here often. Any amount helps lol. I sat down and wrote a serious letter to my addicted other, describing everything I felt and everything I saw that had gone wrong in our relationship. I was brutally honest about it, as I feel it is my right to be so. I'm not going to be silent anymore. We broke up because we ignored and sidestepped those issues. I said I thought he needed to get help for his addictions, but that he would have to come to that decision himself and he would have to do it for him, not us. I admitted that a part of me still loves him but I felt we were better off at this time working on our issues seperatley. I said that maybye later down the road if we both acheived what we needed to maybye we could consider marriage counseling. We do have a son together, I don't want to look back and regret that I didn't give him an opening to work it out. I'm not going to worry though about what path he takes, I'm only going to worry about mine. I have alot of trouble taking care of myself, those habits are extremley hard to break. I'm definitly going to be asking my self alot "How important is it?" and will make myself think before I react. Chances are it won't work out, he may not ever get help or be financially responsible. We may not ever get to the marriage counseling stage of it. But I can say I tried and I won't have to live with the guilt of not trying. I feel less angry having wrote that letter and more resolved to make my program work. I have much recovery ahead of me. I'm sure y'all will be sick of hearing from me soon lol. ((((Hugs))) to you and thanks for talking with me..........Teggie

JT

Teggie...those letters help...at least they have helped me. Usually what I do is sit on them for a day or two and often I don't even have to mail them. They can be a way for me to get out how I am feeling and what I am angry about. They calm me...so does journaling.

I was impressed to hear you say you don't want to look back with regret. Working on you now and knowing, truly knowing how you want to move forward can save you a lot pain down the line. But remember, it takes time.

Hugs,
JT

Hugs,
JT

Teggie

Thanks so much JT, I feel like the letter writing is going to become a big part of my recovery. I feel better and a lil bit stronger already. BTW I love your sig...gonna have to find one to make my own