shawnunshackled

I am stressed, angry, bitter, and utterly exhausted. I have lost hope an d all compassion I once had. My AW (wife) and have been married for ten years, and the over last year her drinking has spiraled out of control. Were both married military members and she has crossed my red line. She has always hidden alcohol to some extent, but now she just languishes upstairs and drinks vodka until she passes out. She spent the past weekend doing just that. She is depressed and angry. Her drinking has always been an issue in our life.

She deployed in 2008. It was rough and not easy, dead babies, blood, body parts, and losing a friend was just some of the things that happened. She came back in good spirits. She started working out religiously. She was even considering workout competitions, and then came our recent move to Germany. I don’t know what it was, but something just triggered this drinking and depression, she has never talked to anyone about her deployment, and I believe she holds a lot of pent up feelings. A book came out last year recently about her deployment and it brought up so much emotions. I would find here crying for no reason, and of course drinking.

Of course this has caused a giant rift in our marriage that I believe is unfixable at this point. I have told her that she needs help and I am here for her if she just seeks help. But as always it’s “I don’t care”, or I am a “$%^&!” Recently I found 28 bottles of vodka in a closet upstairs. I showed them to here and she said that I was a snooper and not trusting. She drinks wine behind my back as well, but now it’s just blatant. She looks bloated, red faced, glassy eyes, and I can smell the vodka on here. Even at work I think I can smell it but I can’t prove it. Let’s not mention the 6 bottles I found in the secret compartment of the BMW. It astonishes me that her work counterparts haven’t noticed. I think she is approaching non-functional status fast. She has been selected for a great job, and we are moving back to the states, but the training is rigorous and I know she won’t make at this rate.

My life has been destroyed. I can’t even go play golf, basketball, or anything enjoyable because if I don’t rush home after work I know she will be into the alcohol (she hates being alone). This has always been an issue with us, and I can’t believe I have put up with this so long.

Sorry for the rambling, but there are so many issues that are going on with us. Alcoholism runs deep in her family, and I think It has just unleashed its fury on her and myself. I guess I needed a place to vent. I recently have told her parents about our situation. They are great people and are very supportive of me. They are very worried, but I still don’t think they understand the gravity of her situation. Her mom thinks that she needs to just buck up, her dad (somewhat of an enabler), is worried and can hear it in his voice. Aside from them, I have not confided to anyone, I have kept this secret from friends and family for so long, that I feel like I am living a lie. This has affected me I so many ways that I can’t even write all of them on this forum. I have lost friends, my hobbies, my family, my emotions, and my self-worth. I am depressed and angry. Like I said in the beginning I am mentally exhausted and have reached my red line.

Thanks for reading, sorry for the rant.

Mango blast

Shawn, welcome to SR. I'm so very sorry for what brings you here, yet I'm glad you've found us.

The stickies at the top of this forum hold a lot of good information. Alcoholism is chronic, progressive, confounding and irrational. It is a physical disease of the brain and body that requires help from those who truly understand it in order to recover. Recovery from codependency (our disease, that affects our mental and physical states) also requires outside help from those who understand it, whether Alanon, Licensed Addiction Counselors or others who specialize in addictions. A few symptoms of both alcoholism and codependency are denial, minimizing and thinking we can get better on our own. Kudos to you in starting to open up about this. Feel free to vent here anytime! If you're done with your marriage at this point, that is fine. Each of us get to choose our own paths to healing, and separation often seems to lead to quicker healing for the codependent. The three C's: you didn't Cause this, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it.

You're very right about her parents not understanding the gravity of this. My husband's mom went through all of this first hand with his father and also wasn't of any help. She was worried about him, but didn't have any understanding of the disease or help available.

My husband and I both ignored his alcoholism for far too long, and then once we started to look for help we were asking the wrong questions of the wrong people, including several doctors who only suggested trying to cut back. I kept looking for help for him. Things didn't start to change until I instead started looking for help for myself. That is where everything started changing.

Learning all I can about the disease and reaching out to specialists who can help me with my own recovery and also in finding who to turn my husband's care over to were both life changing steps for me. Alcohol is often a coping mechanism that at first solves the problem and then turns on the user. No one ever decides to be an addict and once the alcohol is gone in early recovery (the first 1-2 years), things often get even more intense as one learns to deal with them-self, the guilt, shame and so many built up emotions. Adding PTSD into the mix makes it that much more important to have the right professionals involved. The plus side of the military might be having resources available to turn her care over to, and to support treatment of this disease.

Is there an Alanon group on base or nearby? The hardest thing is getting through the front door. After that, the healing starts. Alanon is for us, for our healing.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/international-meetings

Here are some books that have helped me; free samples available on Amazon. Many other books are listed in the stickies.

Codependent No More
Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change
Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism

Stick around and keep posting. From the advice you get, including in this post, take what helps and leave the rest.

honeypig

Shawn, welcome to SR. Your situation sounds pretty bad, and I'm sorry you find yourself there. This is a wonderful, supportive community and I feel sure you'll find some help here.

I really can't add much to KTF's comprehensive post. It sounds like you're at the point where you realize that YOU can't be the one to make your AW get sober, and that gives you a leg up on getting off the crazy train and beginning your own recovery.

I'd second the recommendations to read and post here, make sure not to miss the stickies, and definitely check into Alanon (some men prefer to look for a men's meeting, but it's sure not necessary).

Again, glad you found us here, and I wish you strength and clarity as you find your way forward.

killerinstinct

Hello Shawn, I am so so so sorry for what you're going through. the anguish, the frustration, the hurt, her betraying you for alcohol time and time again... It's absolutely heart breaking. I know you feel like she is having a full blown relationship with alcohol and she is and I know that unless someone is in your shoes they can't understand how soul destroying it is. ... It's so taxing on your life and not fair on you. You sound like a very grounded, strong, smart and together man who is just trying to make sense of this and who just wants to get on with your life and enjoy it. I know it's hard. I know loads of people in the military. My ex husband was one of them... He use to say he had PTSD and that's why he drank, but then I'd compare him to people more senior than him, who saw more blood and guts than he ever did and they were functioning, they didn't drown their sorrows in alcohol... I couldn't understand why he did.. And then I realised half of his family were alcoholics and that was why he had a drinking problem.. Because of the way he was bought up.. And he just blamed his service in the army for it.. Alcoholism is a beast... And something that has such a strong hold on people that unless the person has the will to break free from it and the desire to its something they aren't going to change because they are not uncomfortable enough to do so. It seems as though she is comfortable.. I could be wrong but, why change something if your fine with it.. I'd say she is fine with it, she enjoys it, probably hates it after a while and gets emotional.. But overall she still has you, her job etc so I don't think she will do much about it until something major shifts in her. I don't know what you're going to do, you really have some tough decisions to make here.. Are you strong enough to go the extra mile with her, do you want to, how far will you go to make the marriage work, when is it enough for you, how much can you handle, what's crossing the line for you, how much more can you take? I'm not strong, in the end my husband left me for another woman and I still begged him to stay and it hurt like hell.. He left my with a 2 week old baby.. I never had the ability to break it off.. Overtime I realised that he was the problem as he went from relationship to relationship.. Each and everyone of them damaged by his Alcoholism.. He was a train wreck just pounding into the lives of anyone who would make him feel safe for a moment.. Then moving onto the next once his safety net was removed... What I'm getting at here is some people are at the point of no return, I know very few who have been able to slam the breaks on things to prevent further damage in their lives and their loved ones.. I hope you wife is one of those... I'm here for you and so is everyone else on SR, please don't forget about you... You matter and you're important too not just your wife... Vent as much as you need to as I know she isn't around to listen to how much pain she is causing you as she is too busy being self centred... My heart goes out to you... I would never wish this trial upon my worst enemy. May the grace of God be with you... Killer Instinct

Mango blast

btw -- to clarify about the early recovery -- there should have been a comma after gone. The alcohol does need to be gone for good. The first 1-2 years is often affected by Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS). Full recovery requires not only sobriety each and every day, but also working a long-term recovery program. I'm not familiar with PTSD treatment, except that a friend of ours will be in long-term treatment for it, as long as he's willing to continue to receive help for that and alcoholism. The greater the support system built up, the greater the chances of recovery. None of it happens overnight. One Day at a Time.

Beyond dealing with an alcoholic and the frustrations that includes, how are you doing with work, the moves and your physical health? You are important. You matter. (edit - maybe ironic that I wrote that, as I didn't read killerinstincts same words until after posting. It's very true.)

shawnunshackled

Thanks for all the responses and advice. Its great to hear other peeoples experiences. You just feel alone with no family around. Feels good already to get this off my chest.

Basically my health is alright. I have always been in good shape. But, along with this lagging a little, my work is suffering, and my outlook at work as suffered. I am short with people and I cannot concentrate for very long without my mind drifting on thoughts of my wife. I used to able to buckle down and press on and do my job well, but we have entered a whole new realm with my wife and her alcohol. What I ponder at work most about is how hard we have worked, money saved (no kids), nice house, cars, and just the great life we have built for ourselves. I can see it all getting thrown away like one of the many vodka bottles in the bottom of our trash can.

I have accepted that our marriage most likely will not last if this continues. Quite frankly, I cherish the times when she passes out drunk all weekend and I have time to myself. Its the time where I can do things I enjoy. Deep down I think am looking forward to divorce/separating. After 10 years of marriage we are in a boat and we're rowing in opposite directions, and I think I need to abandon ship.

Whats funny is my wife always thinks that I am going to leave her for another women. Which is the last thing I think about or need right now. What she doesn't realize is that my mind is always on her and her problem. And then she complains that were not intimate anymore. I told here that she is sloppy drunk all the time and stinks like liqour...hardly a turn on. I guess when you lose trust in your significant other, to me, intimacy is just not possible. The other night she wanted to get close and cuddle( after apologzing for the 100th time), she smelled like rubbing alcohol, eventually I told her to sleep in the other room because the candles next to the bed might cause her to combust. Sorry, but I know that joke to her was wrong, but I have just had enough.

By the way, they say you can't smell vodka on someone, but I feel like I can sniff that out like a blood hound. I swear I smell it on her at work, but can't prove it. Anybody have any experience with this? Also, she has been getting real bloated in the face, red eyes, pale skin, and her eyes just seem dead. Like there is nothing there, has anyone seen this? Also she used to get her hair done every three months, tan, pedicure....she is just not caring for herself...is this normal? So sad, because this is not the women I married?

honeypig

Shawn, you are not alone in your experiences or thoughts, not at all. I think you'll find that many of us here have seen our A's cease to care about their appearance or health. Mine would shave maybe once a week and shower maybe once a month. When things got to the point where I started actually telling him "you need a shower", he'd ignore me or make some remark. He works in a manufacturing job that uses various smelly chemicals and comes home smelling more or less like pee, so you can see just how attractive this would be, right?

My A complained of a lack of intimacy also. For me, as for you, I simply had NO interest in being with someone who had lied to me and been unavailable in so many ways for so many years. He had become a stranger to me. (This on top of the hygiene issues pretty much stopped things for a couple of years now...)

You mention that your mind is always on her and her problem. That's natural and normal for someone first looking for help in a situation like this. Eventually, you'll start to see that your efforts will be so much more fruitful if you focus on yourself and what you want and need in your life. That may sound nuts, but it's all true. This might be useful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

hopeful4

Hello and a warm welcome. I am so sorry for what brings you here.

She has a serious problem and sounds to be very very deep into denial. How awfully sad. However, you are right, it sounds like she is lost in alcoholism. I too would jump ship.

About the vodka, that you cannot smell it; That is a myth. If you know the smell to recognize you can definitely smell it. As far as drinking at work, that would be no surprise at all from someone with that in depth of a problem. Likely she chose vodka thinking no one would be able to smell it. My X drinks at work, he is a social worker! It is something you read a lot here on the boards.

Keep working on you. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. One of the things you will read here a lot is the three C's. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. It's so very true.

One last thing I will say is this. I stayed with my X for 18 years. For the first 5 I really did not see his drinking as a problem. That leaves 13 years that I was living it. Of those years, I would say 10 of them I hid it, lied and covered for him, made excuses. All of it. It wore me out and isolated me very much. I felt my entire life was a lie. After some counseling, Celebrate Recovery Meetings, and the fine people here at SR, I came to realize that the one big thing I could do for myself was to stop lying. I did. I no longer covered for him. I no longer lied to friends and family about where he was or why this or that.

Surprisingly, my family already knew. They were just letting me be the one to bring it up. When I stopped covering up what was really going on, I gained a huge support system and it was a big step for me in my recovery. I encourage you to do the same. It is a freeing experience that built me up to being able to do what I know is right for me and my children.

Good luck and God Bless to you!

Tryingtogetreal

Hi Shawn,

The hardest part of dealing with an alcoholc for me was the obsessive thinking about him and his drinking. I was as addicted to his problem as he was to the alcohol. I learned here that that is a normal symptom for someone involved with an alcoholic. Their disease is contagious and makes us sick too.

My heart breaks for your wife. I can't imagine being exposed to the horrors of deployment. However, the problem with alcoholism is that our compassionate feelings toward the alcoholic actually serve to make them sicker not better. You can only help an alcoholic by being compassionate and loving toward yourself. It is totally unlike other diseases in that sense. If your wife were sick with bad pnemonia (for example), you would sit at her bedside, feed her, wash her forehead with a cool towel, and all that love would help her to heal. If someone is sick with alcoholism, you help them heal by walking out of the room, shutting the door, and nursing yourself instead.

I found it extremely difficult to shift the focus from him to me but once I did, the healing truly began. If you could wake up every day with the intent of doing something healthy for YOU, I believe your healing will start too.

isitme

This is something that bothers me quite frequently lately. Yet they just don't seem to understand and it breaks my heart. Like many others here have said, I'm finally remembering to put he focus back on me. Something I'm not used to and feels very unnatural. It does work though if you stick with it.

I'm so sorry for your situation, but I know you'll find lots of good information and supportive caring people here. Welcome to SR.

Florence

Yes and yes. My XAH drank 24/7, and I didn't know it was happening for a long time, until the pieces fell together and I realized it was all day every day. Then I could -- and still can -- smell alcohol on people at the grocery store, at work, in public, etc. The superpower I never wanted!

Like your wife, he was also pale, clammy, bloated, and greasy looking by the end of our relationship -- not the handsome guy I fell in love with. He smelled -- like his body couldn't process all the toxins anymore. It wasn't BO, it was something else more toxic.

For the addict, the only math is around access to their DOC. You don't have to be a part of that equation if you don't want to be.

shawnunshackled

I know its been a long time. We just completed our military move back to the states. I was alone for 2 months while she was in training. It was a relief for me being apart. I could finally not worry. I visited with her parents and i broke the news about there daughter. I refuse to cover for her anymore. Her parents were great and support me 100%. They have tried to talk to her on the phone...but its the usual lying and empty promises.

My father past away 2 weeks ago. I told my wife to stay in school and I would deal with the loss on my own. She didn't like that too much, but i needed her to stay away. I know its sad. Whats worse that even at my dads funeral, I just feel numb, like no feelings. Maybe I am just mentally exhausted from it all and I have nothing left to give anyone.

Know my wife an I are back in Cali living in our new home. She made another promise that she has already broke after a grand total of 4 days. She drank a bottle of wine while I slept. Yesterday I came home from work, and I could tell she was drinking (slurred speech). She denied it, past out later, tried to pick her up and take her to bed....smelled of vodka and just left her there.

I know the choice I have to make...wish me luck.

AnvilheadII

deepest condolences on the passing of your father, shawn.

HopefulinFLA

Best of luck Shawn. So sorry for the loss of your father.

Wishing you courage, healing, and peace.

firebolt

Best to you Shawn. It is so telling how much better we often feel when we're apart from them. I'm so sorry about your dad. Take care.

Sikofit

Sorry about your dad--and sorry things aren't better with your wife.