Seneca7

I just joined SR and posted about my fiance who is admittedly a "high functioning alcoholic." The verdict here, and everywhere else I've been, is that "high functioning" is a stage of alcoholism and not a type of drinker.

In your experience, how does one go from functioning to non-functioning? What were some of the things you started noticing about the A in your life between the time s/he was drinking but still living normally, and the time your life was just completely dysfunctional? How do you know when it's advancing?

Since it tends to happen so gradually with HFAs, I'm trying to keep perspective and not just look for the obvious signs.

Hawkeye13

I was in the HFA stage for a very long time, but the changes that I noticed as I started slipping were
drinking more frequently, earlier, sometimes in the morning, black outs, memory issues / job performance issues began where there had been none for many years.

I was also getting meaner when I drank--more likely to lash out.
I isolated and wanted to stay home and drink rather than do things I used to love to do.
Physical symptoms began with inflamed swollen gut / liver pain, got as far as puking blood right at the end.
That may not occur till later, but you do have digestive issues which worsen.
Swollen belly, red face, bloodshot eyes, insomnia were other symptoms.
Mental fog, forgetting about appointments, etc. were other work-related problems I saw.

Everyone's different, but I agree it is just a stage and you will go downhill at some point

dandylion

seneca--one of the things that I think the OUTSIDE world uses to judge this is when a person loses their job. (not saying that it is accurate). But, this is a big marker that the world seems to see.

dandylion

Seneca7

Well, I've already seen a lot of these. I didn't equate the ulcers with alcoholism because he wasn't drinking much at the time, and didn't start drinking again until after he was better. He takes a LOT of OTC drugs for acid reflux, though, and I'm putting two and two together now.

Bullfrog

The real question is-- how are YOU functioning with his alcoholism?

GracieLou

drinking more frequently - check
drinking in the morning - check
frequent black outs, memory issues - check
job performance issues began - check
meaner when I drank--more likely to lash out -check
Isolation - check
Swollen belly, red face, bloodshot eyes, mental fog - check

I had all these.

At the end I could barely function. The only thing I was doing was going to work and small trips the store. My anxiety was very high as well as my emotional stability.

I felt as though I was going to crack.

GracieLou

I took these to but not for ulcer. I had an acid reflux cough and when I took OTC Omeprazole it eliminated the cough.

Once I stopped drinking, the cough stopped and I have not taken them since.

Seneca7

Based on his medical/psychiatric history, I think a lot of the issues we have may have been there before the alcoholism. But the more I read, the more I'm questioning that. If nothing else, he's indulging an addiction that has the same symptoms as the conditions he already had, which just seems stupid or irresponsible.

Imagine if my mom, who has Graves Disease, started doing crack, and I were to say, "Yeah, she's cracked out all the time, but that was before she was actually doing crack." We'd both rightfully look like idiots.

Honestly, I think I'm mostly on my way out. He's also a workaholic and very distant these days, so there's not much else to make me stay except "love."

I've been on this forum for less than a week and all I can think is, "Thank God I'M not married. Thank God WE don't have children. Thank GOD it's only been ONE year together. Thank God I'm still MOSTLY a moderate drinker."

So thanks for your cautionary tales.

totfit

There are alcoholics homeless and on the streets having lost family and everything that still think they are functioning just fine and alcohol isn't an issue. There is a progression the whole way along way, but recognition or acceptance that there is an issue IS THE issue. De-Nial is not just a river in Egypt. On the other side of the coin if that is the life one chooses..........then so be it.

Santa

My ex was in the so-called high-functioning stage for most of our married life. That meant he was holding down a professional job without major problems, and that most people who didn't live with us did not realize the extent of his problem. It didn't mean he was functioning as a full partner in our lives and especially not as an involved parent. Once he started telecommuting, there were days he was on his second drink even before our children got off the school bus in the afternoons.

And even after he lost his job and was on the brink of losing his house (post divorce), he still thought he could tame the beast and be able to drink like "normal people." For decades he has veered back and forth between admitting he's an alcoholic and saying he is not. At this point, he's talking to himself.

Seneca7

My fiance works from home. Part of what led me here is that he's started drinking in the mornings. We're talking 8 AM to midnight at the earliest, and he often has trouble getting up because of chronic insomnia. After a bad night (usually when we were both drinking), I've sometimes had to shake him to get him in front of his computer. This doesn't happen much anymore, but I'm sure that'll change.

Santa

^ Well that's how my ex got fired from a truly excellent job, 3 years after he moved out. He started getting on their Skype conference meetings drunk, because he got to the point where he had to have a couple of drinks in the morning just to get up.

Seneca7

I'm seeing that happen now. But still, he is never visibly drunk, and isn't abusive to me. Except for him becoming increasingly distant and uninterested (working 12+ hours every day will do that), and overspending on alcohol, all of our problems are still in the future, and it's so easy to just ignore them. He doesn't think he has a problem, and I don't have much of a case against him yet. But knowing that will eventually change is making it hard to be attached to him.

EDIT: Oh, and the acid reflux. That's not just in the future, either.

wantabe

For me it the tell-tale of moving from HFA to LFA was dependability.

It happened at work too, but I didn't hear about that until much later.

For example, she dropped our 13 year old (at that time) off at speech therapy and went to a bar several blocks away and got falling down drunk. The bar had taken away her keys and called me, but by that time my kid was out in the cold waiting and waiting.

After that, I was always wary of her picking up the kids on time/sober.

dandylion

seneca....I respectfully suggest that you sound very worried about your future as connected to his drinking....and you have a "distant and uninterested" partner.

Worry and anxiety can have a very negative effect...both mentally and physically.....and it is cumulative, over time. It can cause us to change our behavior to accomodate the alcoholic...until we don't recognize ourselves, any more.

If you see even more problems coming, it would be a good thing for you to prepare yourself to meet them....and, I can't think of anything better than alanon to gather your strength and provide you with clarity.

You have options and choices for your life. It is important, in my opinion, for you to realize this.

Please hang around. You will draw a lot of strength and learn a lot, also.

dandylion

Liberator4EVA

For the drinker's i've known, they've always defended their habit on the grounds that at least they "work for a living". So by their own definition i guess they day they loose their job through drinking is the day they cease to be "HF", even if they start drinking at lunchtime every day off and crack a bottle open the moment they step through the door i the evening, and drive to work every morning over the limit from the hangover.

suncatcher

Seneca, I second what dandylion said above. I was changing my behavior to accommodate my A. I isolated myself because he isolated himself. I drank more because he was always drinking. I stopped expecting to get any of my emotional needs met because he never met them. I was slowly sinking deeper and my self esteem was at an all time low. I pulled myself out of that situation before it had the chance to swallow me up leaving just a shell of a person left. It has taken me a long time to recover from all of that. I'm getting there and have made a lot of progress thanks to my friends here on SR and a determination to want more for myself. Thanks for your post. It made me think. My axbf still has a job but lives with his dad. Still has his license but drives with his open container of beer next to him. He showers once a week and looks unkempt and depressed most of the time. It breaks my heart to watch him do this to himself but I didn't cause it can't control it can't change it. Take care of you first and foremost. And keep coming here.

Seneca7

That's fair, considering it's almost a direct quote.

The thing is, there's not a lot tying me down here. It'd be a pain finding a place to stay, but I could do it. I'm weighing my other options right now, such as staging a pre-intervention of sorts, to let him know what the problem is instead of just skipping out. But even without the alcohol, things might not be rosy.

I guess I'm here so that if I do leave, I'll have stories of all the bullets I dodged to distract myself from the feelings of loss and regret.

firebolt

You're in the right place for thode kind of stories and bullets When I first found myself here, I always thought "my A doesn't do that, or isn't like that. One by one, as his alcoholism progresses, he is checking each and every one of the bullets off that list. You are wise to see the misery here, and take it as what you could prevent yourself from by leaving.

No matter what happens, please take care of yourself, be good to yourself, maintain your activities and friendships like you did before the relationship. We often get so focused on them and trying to get them better, that we end up going through a hard process to get it all back once we realize that we cannot fix them. Best to you - and your A!

hopeful4

I saw all of the above in my X. He cycles between barely a binge to stupid drunk. The cycles are tied to all sorts of thing, seasons, stress, all sorts of different triggers. It will get bad in the fall b/c he loves fall and will drink vodka and cider just b/c he likes it.

Eh....not my problem anymore Thank God!