VelmaMae

Brief backstory-I have been divorced from my XAH almost 2 years now, we have 3 daughters together (one grown) Per our custody agreement we share custody but for various reasons they are with me almost 100% (my youngest spends the night with him a few times a month at most) He is not ordered to pay child support but does voluntarily pay for some of their expenses.

Today the youngest 2 went with him to visit family and during that time he took our 14 year old to get fast food. Then he went to an ATM withdrew $80 and drove to a convience store. There he told her he would be right back and went into the store. She next saw him coming from behind the store followed by a man she saw holding a large wad of cash

My daughter knows about his addiction (he told her when we first split up but claimed he stopped) There have been other signs that he was still using that she has noticed but until today they didn't directly affect her/them. But to take her with him on a drug deal? She was terrified!

My thinking up until now is his problem is not mine unless/until if affects the kids. Life is mostly peaceful and stress free. But this worries me. I just want to protect them but I don't know what route I should take. I have no real "evidence" to take to the police or court. And if I tried to get custody modified I fear he would push to have them more and I feel sure he would at least get every other weekend He is happy to leave them with me all the time now

Should I just let it play out? Keep them from him as much as possible? Confront him? My 14 year old sees a counselor already. My 11 year old knows little of his addiction

Thanks for letting me vent...

Firefall

He took her to a place where at least one drug dealer hangs out AND left her unattended in the car. She is at an a high risk age. Two things here, he put her in danger and what does your silence communicate to your daughter.

He should be jailed for endangerment and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. These are crimes!

hopeful4

How very alarming. I would speak to an attorney for guidance. Does he push for visitation? Could your children set the terms so to speak. For example, dad, mom is going to drop us off at the movies and will pick us up after, lets go see X movie? Its just a thought. Thats sort of how i hsndled things when i first separated. I also made sure my children have cell phones at all times. Ideally if the police had been called right then that would be that. I made it clear to my x if he ever drives my children under the influence i will call the police en route imrdiately. He knows i mean it, and i do.

I personally would tell him i plan to call the police immediately and he will likely back off visitation. I also encourage the truth, the children are not safe w you and will not be getting in a car w you.

Hope4Life

Sad....just sad. To expose a 14 year old to that behavior he deserves to be arrested.

I hope your Daughter has the strength to tell her counselor and that they inform the authorities.

Be strong. Protect your children with EVERYTHING you've got!

Ann

I agree, he put your daughter in danger and exposed her to something she shouldn't have to see...her dad buying dope.

Proof or no proof, I would take action to ensure this never happens again.

It's just so sad when children get drawn into the sadness of their parent's addiction...not to mention the danger.

You are a good mom for caring and it is good that your children can talk openly with you about all this.

Hugs

Vale

It is one thing to fail. It is another to fail to protect those souls entrusted to you.
The first is common, human, and can even be a useful motivational tool.

The second is abject cowardice.

anattaboy

Would you feel the same if he had gone in and bought alcohol instead? No excuse for what he did and I would surely confront him and stop visits but pressing charges will drive a wedge that may be permanent. This may be what is needed as I don't know the whole story but somewhere inside that addict body is a guy who would never do this if he had a real choice at this point.

FeelingGreat

hi Velma, it was appalling that he did that. I would consider staying very calm when you talk to him, not confrontational. Just explain that although you respect his time with the children, even he must realise he did the wrong thing, and therefore you'll need to restrict his access (or whatever reasonable measure you need to take to protect them).

Hopefully, if you state your case clearly and calmly he'll won't go into aggressive denial mode.

Ann

With all due respect, illegal activities done because of addiction does not excuse anything, especially not putting a child in danger while making a dope deal. That's kind of the point here, he isn't responsible enough to take care of a child, his behaviour proves it.

My son is a dear person, a loving, caring, gentle, wonderful fellow who everyone loves...when he is clean. He is not clean, he commits crimes and puts people he loves in danger. I must discern the difference or perhaps die if I don't. I cannot live in the danger of his addictive world. I would never in a million years allow a child to be exposed to what I myself feel is real danger.

Stepping back and protecting children from this dark world of addiction does not say we don't love them or know the person they once were, it says we cannot live in that world and remain safe and balanced and that we are taking very good care of ourselves and our children

Hugs

needingabreak

Have you thought of contacting police? Many convenience stores have surveillance now. Food for thought.....your children should never, ever, ever be exposed to or put in a position of witnessing their father buying drugs. That would be a deal breaker for me. I'd be contacting an attorney and your daughter's counselor. I wish you the best with this and very sorry to hear you are dealing with this.

Morning Glory

As a mandated reporter in my state I have a choice to contact the police or child protective services. I would contact CPS in your state and let them investigate. Your daughter is old enough to tell them what happened and they will take it from there. Even if they don't have enough proof to act on it there will be a paper trail in their system.

zoso77

VelmaMae...

You have received a lot of solid input from our members. The only question that remains is what are you going to do with it.

All I will add is there is too much at stake to make or not make decisions based on what he may do. Do not allow that to prevent you from doing what is best for your children.

VelmaMae

Thank you everyone for your replies and advice. I've been at work so I'm just getting a chance to read them carefully and respond.

I plan to go to the police station with my daughter after work and file a report. I hope my daughter will be strong enough to do this, but I think she will. She has an anxiety disorder and is scared of making her dad mad. But her safety as well as that of her sister has to come first

I didn't mention in my post my 11 year old also reported that she walked in th room and her dad was watching porn. Yet another reason they should not be with him at this time

Thank you Ann for your kind words. My daughter and I are very close and I would do anything to keep my children safe and secure

zoso77

I'm sure you'll handle this with the sensitivity that's required. Please keep us posted. And good luck.

hopeful4

You and your DD's will be in my prayers today.

needingabreak

I can't imagine how hard it is to have your daughter tell this to the police but between that and the porn I'd say enough is enough. I know the love for a child surpasses everything and you will do whatever you have to to protect them. Thank God they feel comfortable talking to you. That says a lot. I will be praying for you and your daughters. God Bless you.

VelmaMae

Just back from the police station. My daughter was upset but understood why she needed to go. Unfortunatly the officer would not take a report. He did suggest filing a DVP on behalf of my children and said I could also call CPS. So tomorrow I'll be making a few phone calls. I'm scheduled to work 7a-7p tomorrow and wondering if waiting until Monday to go to court will be looked on unfavorably?

needingabreak

Calling tomorrow won't mean court right away will it? I could be wrong but would think they would talk to your daughters and do an investigation, no?

Firefall

Sooner rather than later it's almost always better.

Dee74

I'm no longer active, but I'm an addict and an alcoholic.
If I'd bought a 14yo girl along with me to buy drugs, I would expect to pay the penalty for that.

That is not a good duty of care, no matter how you slice it up - and no matter how screwed up I was at the time, deep down I would have known that. I think the vast majority of folks would.

D