Dangerous?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 65
Dangerous?
Two weeks ago, during an argument while he was drinking, my husband threatened suicide, fired a gun in our house and when we went to see about him, he was holding the gun to his head. My 20 yr old daughter saw this too and became hysterical. She ran out of the house and called 911. He left the house but the police found him in a ditch near our home. My daughter and I moved out of the house. Our son thinks that he was just trying to make us feel bad and that he wasn't really suicidal but he fired a gun in our house. Our daughter is afraid of him and says that if he would do that, then he might shoot one of us next time. This is a first for us. He has said that he has not been drunk since that night but I know he's still drinking. I'm afraid to go home but I won't know if he is telling the truth unless I go home. I don't know what to do.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
oh yes, super highly dangerous!!!!!
Your daughter did the right thing to phone 911.
PLEASE do not return! Get in touch with your local domestic violence center.
You owe it to yourself and children to get out of harm's way, this is such an extremely volatile situation.
You cannot help him. The 3 cs are that you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. You know he is still drinking which makes him very unstable.
In fact, to be safe, I would not let him know where you all are staying.
Normally we let people find their own way in their own time but this is such a horrific situation that I beg you to look after your safety, you need to be very, very cautious.
There is no way to minimize or rationalize this, your lives are at risk.
Please check back in, we will worry about you.
(((((hugs))))
T
Your daughter did the right thing to phone 911.
PLEASE do not return! Get in touch with your local domestic violence center.
You owe it to yourself and children to get out of harm's way, this is such an extremely volatile situation.
You cannot help him. The 3 cs are that you did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this. You know he is still drinking which makes him very unstable.
In fact, to be safe, I would not let him know where you all are staying.
Normally we let people find their own way in their own time but this is such a horrific situation that I beg you to look after your safety, you need to be very, very cautious.
There is no way to minimize or rationalize this, your lives are at risk.
Please check back in, we will worry about you.
(((((hugs))))
T
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
It's terrifying to even read that. I know that when I was living with an alcoholic I became desensitized to violent, dangerous behavior. It began to seem almost normal. You are basically living in a war zone and you lose any sense of what normal behavior really is.
You already know he is still drinking, even if he says he hasn't been "drunk" (whatever that means to him anyway) it's only a matter of time before he does something like this again. Your daughter is right, it could be one of you next time. Stay far away from him, please, for your own safety and that of your children.
You already know he is still drinking, even if he says he hasn't been "drunk" (whatever that means to him anyway) it's only a matter of time before he does something like this again. Your daughter is right, it could be one of you next time. Stay far away from him, please, for your own safety and that of your children.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Chicago,Illinois
Posts: 28
Its your life and your children you've been talking here. The alcohol fully much take over on his mind and life. Save yourself first and your children. You might not know what next he can do. Its too dangerous for everyone. I got worried for you. Please be safe.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I had to reread the OP several times just to get past the nonchalant tone of the whole thing. But that's what happens, you get conditioned to the abuse and it starts to be totally normal. Sweetheart, none of that is normal, sane, or safe. It very well could be one of you next time. And your son is learning that this is how you treat a wife and children. That's some scary ish right there. Do not go back. Protect yourselves now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear cherra---I am so glad that you were able to come here and share this with us. You need lots of support, at this time, I believe.
I absolutely agree with Live and Ladyscribbler that your lives are in danger. I think that your instincts are telling you the same...because, you are "afraid to go home", yourself.
My dear, please trust your own instincts. Your instinct is trying to tell you something.
And, as a mother..I know that you understand that your duty is to protect your children from harm. You would never be able to forgive yourself if something happened to them--and you would never want to leave your children without a mother.
As LadyScribbler so astutely pointed out---we can become sensitized to violent behavior and drop our guard. Please keep this in mind.
Taking even a 1% "chance" is too much--in a situation like this. It could cost a life.
cherra--basically, what I am saying is that you should not go back. Not at all. You know that he has been drinking, and, even if he has periods of sobriety...he is not stable. You must do whatever it takes to keep yourself and your children safe.
I implore you to get help and support from the experts on this:
Please call this number: Domestic Violence
1-800-799-SAFE
You can safely and anomously talk your situation over with them. They can arrange local help for you. They offer a wide range of help...from hiding you (if you needed) to legal advice..to financial ...to safe housing....to all manner of practical things, also.
These people know what to do and are very dedicating to helping people in just this kind of situation. You will find them to be very compassionate and understanding...they deal with this every day! You husband will not know that you have talked to them...and you are not put under any sort of "obligation", either.
There is help..you do have options.
Please. please stay in close touch...we are all very caring about you and will "walk" with you through this. You and the kids have been through a traumatic situation and deserve all the help that you can muster.
Many others on this forum have been through this kind of situation and will be along to share their experience and support with you.
Stay safe cherra...and please keep us up to date...O.K.? You are important to us.
dandylion
I absolutely agree with Live and Ladyscribbler that your lives are in danger. I think that your instincts are telling you the same...because, you are "afraid to go home", yourself.
My dear, please trust your own instincts. Your instinct is trying to tell you something.
And, as a mother..I know that you understand that your duty is to protect your children from harm. You would never be able to forgive yourself if something happened to them--and you would never want to leave your children without a mother.
As LadyScribbler so astutely pointed out---we can become sensitized to violent behavior and drop our guard. Please keep this in mind.
Taking even a 1% "chance" is too much--in a situation like this. It could cost a life.
cherra--basically, what I am saying is that you should not go back. Not at all. You know that he has been drinking, and, even if he has periods of sobriety...he is not stable. You must do whatever it takes to keep yourself and your children safe.
I implore you to get help and support from the experts on this:
Please call this number: Domestic Violence
1-800-799-SAFE
You can safely and anomously talk your situation over with them. They can arrange local help for you. They offer a wide range of help...from hiding you (if you needed) to legal advice..to financial ...to safe housing....to all manner of practical things, also.
These people know what to do and are very dedicating to helping people in just this kind of situation. You will find them to be very compassionate and understanding...they deal with this every day! You husband will not know that you have talked to them...and you are not put under any sort of "obligation", either.
There is help..you do have options.
Please. please stay in close touch...we are all very caring about you and will "walk" with you through this. You and the kids have been through a traumatic situation and deserve all the help that you can muster.
Many others on this forum have been through this kind of situation and will be along to share their experience and support with you.
Stay safe cherra...and please keep us up to date...O.K.? You are important to us.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 4
Your experience with the gun is my worst fear. I tell myself if I find out he bought a gun, I will leave immediately because I know his anger is explosive and he could do something crazy in a split second. He knows I am afraid of this so he told me the other day he bought a gun and he has it hidden somewhere. I think he is lying but sometimes I am afraid to be in the house with him.
Recently I have stopped focusing on fixing/supporting him emotionally when he is down due to his drinking. He tried to shock my by staying out all day and coming home late. Usually I would be wringing my hands by the door. But he would come home and I am fast asleep or busy in my personal room watching TV and don't acknowledge him. I felt empowered, but he didn't like it and started to act "crazy" - demanding I come beside him and hold him (or we are through he says--ha ha). I eventually had to give in because of his temper and his behavior started to get more extreme.
Recently I have stopped focusing on fixing/supporting him emotionally when he is down due to his drinking. He tried to shock my by staying out all day and coming home late. Usually I would be wringing my hands by the door. But he would come home and I am fast asleep or busy in my personal room watching TV and don't acknowledge him. I felt empowered, but he didn't like it and started to act "crazy" - demanding I come beside him and hold him (or we are through he says--ha ha). I eventually had to give in because of his temper and his behavior started to get more extreme.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 65
We are still ok. My 20 yo is the youngest. All of our children are grown including the son. He hasn't been living in it so I don't think he really understands how bad it is. I'm not going back anytime soon but wow, I really didn't expect to hear that I shouldn't go back ever. I've already gotten a text from him this am saying he's sorry about last night's phone call but this time I don't even really care. And I feel horrible that I don't. I come from a broken home with an alcoholic father and I've been focused on keeping our family intact. I see how wrong that was. Last night he accused me of cheating (again), of blowing our money (although he spends more on alcohol that I ever would on myself, and "pushing his buttons" until he drinks. I really like the 3 Cs. Honestly, he had a bad temper and was verbally abusive before he started drinking. the alcohol and pain meds together are a different kind of crazy. I don't know what I'm going to do but I won't go home until he is completely sober. I'm sure he really is sorry but I'm tired of sorry with no real change. Thank you so much for your care and concern. I will stay in touch and I'm so glad I found this forum.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I would never, ever return.
I was just watching an episode of Doctor Phil yesterday where a husband in an argument with wife had brought out a gun. This ended in him being arrested and incarcerated for over a year. Dr. Phil discussed with this man that he would not be surprised to see him in the news at some point in the future for having killed the family. The man replied that he "would never do that"!!! Point made was that when someone begins this type of behavior that is exactly where it ends up - could be premeditated but more often than not because there is no IMPULSE CONTROL to not do it in the first place - where it ends up can and often is the worst case scenario. Add in alcohol and that's just a bomb waiting to go off.
I hope that you will contact a Domestic Violence councilor and discuss with them what has happened. This is Domestic Violence, someone does not have to hit you to be considered having abused you. At the top of the forum you will see "stickies" regarding DV with some hotline numbers. These calls are completely confidential.
Going home could end your life. I am sorry to be that blunt but this is NOT something that you can control or manage. Even now your husband is still making accusations toward you about your behavior even though he pulled a gun and fired it in the home. It doesn't sound remorseful to me instead it sounds as if (typical) blame shifting to you that your behavior is the problem.
Is your life or your daughter's or son's worth going home to see whether or not dad is really sober? Think about that.
Sorry this is happening to you and wishing you peace and strength.
I was just watching an episode of Doctor Phil yesterday where a husband in an argument with wife had brought out a gun. This ended in him being arrested and incarcerated for over a year. Dr. Phil discussed with this man that he would not be surprised to see him in the news at some point in the future for having killed the family. The man replied that he "would never do that"!!! Point made was that when someone begins this type of behavior that is exactly where it ends up - could be premeditated but more often than not because there is no IMPULSE CONTROL to not do it in the first place - where it ends up can and often is the worst case scenario. Add in alcohol and that's just a bomb waiting to go off.
I hope that you will contact a Domestic Violence councilor and discuss with them what has happened. This is Domestic Violence, someone does not have to hit you to be considered having abused you. At the top of the forum you will see "stickies" regarding DV with some hotline numbers. These calls are completely confidential.
Going home could end your life. I am sorry to be that blunt but this is NOT something that you can control or manage. Even now your husband is still making accusations toward you about your behavior even though he pulled a gun and fired it in the home. It doesn't sound remorseful to me instead it sounds as if (typical) blame shifting to you that your behavior is the problem.
Is your life or your daughter's or son's worth going home to see whether or not dad is really sober? Think about that.
Sorry this is happening to you and wishing you peace and strength.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm glad you and your daughter remain in a safe place today, hope it stays like that for a long time.
I think the more you learn about addiction and addict behavior the more you will begin to understand and realize that their recovery doesn't happen in a week or a month and sadly sometimes not at all.
Your husband is battling many issues, anger, rage then alcohol and pills. Its far more then to "just not drink". Hell if it were that simple for him we wouldn't even be having this discussion snd that scary incident with the gun wouldn't of happened.
He needs help beyond himself, AA, detox, rehab, therapy and he needs lots of time with that help. Heck even if he did stop drinking today, his brain is still so saturated with alcohol he would still not be sober let alone thinking clearly. The pills he's taking also affect his thinking and even if he were to stop taking them today, they would remain in his system for awhile and again his thinking would not be clear. Rage and anger are a whole separate issue that should be addressed...........see, so much of YOUR future relies on how he really approaches this and only time will reveal how serious he is or is not about wanting to make some serious changes in his life which affect all of you.
I think counseling and or al-alon for you and your daughter would be excellent for the two of you. I think it's so important right now that you pay closer attention to what your daughter expresses snd how she feels then to give any though to his "quacking" right now.
I think the more you learn about addiction and addict behavior the more you will begin to understand and realize that their recovery doesn't happen in a week or a month and sadly sometimes not at all.
Your husband is battling many issues, anger, rage then alcohol and pills. Its far more then to "just not drink". Hell if it were that simple for him we wouldn't even be having this discussion snd that scary incident with the gun wouldn't of happened.
He needs help beyond himself, AA, detox, rehab, therapy and he needs lots of time with that help. Heck even if he did stop drinking today, his brain is still so saturated with alcohol he would still not be sober let alone thinking clearly. The pills he's taking also affect his thinking and even if he were to stop taking them today, they would remain in his system for awhile and again his thinking would not be clear. Rage and anger are a whole separate issue that should be addressed...........see, so much of YOUR future relies on how he really approaches this and only time will reveal how serious he is or is not about wanting to make some serious changes in his life which affect all of you.
I think counseling and or al-alon for you and your daughter would be excellent for the two of you. I think it's so important right now that you pay closer attention to what your daughter expresses snd how she feels then to give any though to his "quacking" right now.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I agree with the above posters. You cannot trust a mentally unstable person with a weapon. Do not go back to that home. Yours and your children's lives are not worth the risk. There are many examples of a mentally unstable person saying "screw it all" and taking whoever is there with him down. There are so many domestic violence resources available. In my area you just dial 211. I also agree with counseling. That was an extremely traumatic event for your daughter to witness and she most certainly needs to work through it. Firing a weapon in the house even if he wasnt serious is unacceptable. What if it accidentally hit one of you in the process? He needs help and you and you children need a safe home environment.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Dear AngryFrustrated,
All that is said here applies to your circumstances also, however you may be at far greater risk as you are still living with him.
Al Anon techniques do not apply in abuse situations, in fact they can make things worse.
There is a sticky up top that explains, I will try to find it a bit later.
aha, here it is:http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-partners.html
Cherra,
Thank you for checking in. You must not have gotten much sleep last night. I hope you can get some rest today.
Neither did I
, so I just wanted to check in here first thing. But I need to get some coffee in me to be coherent.
Please keep coming back, there is a wealth of wisdom and information here and many, many good people to support you and walk thro this with you.
I would like to let you both know that addiction and abuse are 2 separate issues. Not knowing this really tripped me up..I thought if he would get sober it would cure the abuse. I found out the hard way and through reading up to understand that this is a fallacy.
I stayed too long as it is but had I not gotten out, I am firmly convinced I would be an obituary by now.
All that is said here applies to your circumstances also, however you may be at far greater risk as you are still living with him.
Al Anon techniques do not apply in abuse situations, in fact they can make things worse.
There is a sticky up top that explains, I will try to find it a bit later.
aha, here it is:http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-partners.html
Cherra,
Thank you for checking in. You must not have gotten much sleep last night. I hope you can get some rest today.
Neither did I
, so I just wanted to check in here first thing. But I need to get some coffee in me to be coherent.Please keep coming back, there is a wealth of wisdom and information here and many, many good people to support you and walk thro this with you.
I would like to let you both know that addiction and abuse are 2 separate issues. Not knowing this really tripped me up..I thought if he would get sober it would cure the abuse. I found out the hard way and through reading up to understand that this is a fallacy.
I stayed too long as it is but had I not gotten out, I am firmly convinced I would be an obituary by now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I had to reread the OP several times just to get past the nonchalant tone of the whole thing. But that's what happens, you get conditioned to the abuse and it starts to be totally normal. Sweetheart, none of that is normal, sane, or safe. It very well could be one of you next time. And your son is learning that this is how you treat a wife and children. That's some scary ish right there. Do not go back. Protect yourselves now.
Every last word of it.
And listen: I can very much relate to how you get desensitized and can't see how incredibly abnormal and crazy his behavior is. I needed a friend to tell me that the way my ex treated me was spelled A-B-U-S-E because I couldn't see that myself. I knew it was scary. I knew I didn't like it. But I had gotten so used to his behavior and threats that I was doubting myself when I felt scared and kept thinking "maybe he's right; maybe I am exaggerating...?"
You have every right to stay away. Since the police came, there is a police report about the incident. You can go to the court house and have a restraining order or protective order taken out against him. Depending on where you live, threatening suicide may qualify as domestic violence; shooting a gun in the house most definitely is.
Trust me, no matter how scary things feel right now, you will be able to keep putting one foot in front of the other and recreate your life without having to live in fear. But to do that, you need to stay alive. And that means staying away from him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 65
OK, I was angry all day yesterday about the night before. Today I'm just sad. I don't want to believe it's over. I have to keep reminding myself of all that's happened. One of the most important thing I've learned on here so far is to separate the abuse from the alcoholism. He was mentally abusive before. It's just gotten worse since he started drinking. I've changed so much in the last 2 1/2 weeks that I don't want to go back to before. But I'm just so sad today. I hate not knowing my future. I don't know if I can afford our house by myself and we built it when I was pregnant with the 20 yo. Her first Christmas tree is in the front yard. My mom's (passed away 2 years ago) house is in the back. I don't mean to say that material things are important. These are part of my heart. I know that even those arn't worth an abusive relationship but I am grieving the probability of losing them. I am grieving losing my intact family. Just venting this am. I'll be ok.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
OH, cherra...I am so relieved that you came back to post, today!! I was thinking about you, this morning!!!!!!!
My dear, my heart goes out to you....you must realize that you are grieving, right now. And, you have been "thrown into the deep end" very suddenly, at that.
Grieving is comprised of so many emotions...and sadness is a part of it. But, the only way around it is THROUGH it. We can all attest to this!
You are probably going to cry, a lot, right now. And, I really do understand your nostalgia for the house and those things that you have grow so familiar with. This always happens when we have to leave a place that we have lived through significant events in our lives.
This is exactly why you need every single supportive person that you can gather around yourself, right now. You may have to lean on others (who understand) for a while...and, that is perfectly o.k.!!
I always say that we sometimes have to go through short-term pain for the long-term gain.
You don't exactly know how things will play out with the house, right now...I don't think?
Best thing is to do the "next right thing": put one foot in front of the other.
This morning, Florence posted an article from the New York Times on two-parent families in the setting of abuse.
Please, read it...I think you will get a lot of comfort from that article this morning!!!!
You are going to get through this......
dandylion
My dear, my heart goes out to you....you must realize that you are grieving, right now. And, you have been "thrown into the deep end" very suddenly, at that.
Grieving is comprised of so many emotions...and sadness is a part of it. But, the only way around it is THROUGH it. We can all attest to this!
You are probably going to cry, a lot, right now. And, I really do understand your nostalgia for the house and those things that you have grow so familiar with. This always happens when we have to leave a place that we have lived through significant events in our lives.
This is exactly why you need every single supportive person that you can gather around yourself, right now. You may have to lean on others (who understand) for a while...and, that is perfectly o.k.!!
I always say that we sometimes have to go through short-term pain for the long-term gain.
You don't exactly know how things will play out with the house, right now...I don't think?
Best thing is to do the "next right thing": put one foot in front of the other.
This morning, Florence posted an article from the New York Times on two-parent families in the setting of abuse.
Please, read it...I think you will get a lot of comfort from that article this morning!!!!
You are going to get through this......
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by dandylion 
This morning, Florence posted an article from the New York Times on two-parent families in the setting of abuse.
Please, read it...I think you will get a lot of comfort from that article this morning!!!!dandylion
Please, read it...I think you will get a lot of comfort from that article this morning!!!!dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
cherra.....just go to her thread that she posted this morning, called "on one parent families".
Then just click on the link that she supplied in her post. Jut click on the blue line.
If you can't do that or if it doesn't work...come back and tell us. I do feel that this will be so important for you.
dandylion
Then just click on the link that she supplied in her post. Jut click on the blue line.
If you can't do that or if it doesn't work...come back and tell us. I do feel that this will be so important for you.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
I know that even those arn't worth an abusive relationship but I am grieving the probability of losing them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html
This is the post that Dandylion recommended to you. I haven't read it yet.
I am so very glad that you are checking in.
It does hurt to lose our repository of memories and hopes.
I still miss some things at times but I would not go back, could not live in those relationships again.
The intangible gains are far too precious.
My home is drama-free. I have freedom, peace, safety, security, acceptance...a loving, thoughtful partner who loves me as I am and shows it. So many things to be grateful for daily, hourly. As partners, we are on the same team, sharing life's problems therefore halving them, they are managable. Never being insulted, called a name. We can make plans for two weeks from now and I know that I can count on them, no more instability and ruined plans.
Single, I loved being able to do all things my way. I felt like I had been freed from captivity! And I reckon that is true. And I was free to make a commitment with a partner who does not try to change me who enhances my life.
The transition is anything but easy but it is worth it. Being sad is part of the journey but with time it continues to lessen and good things come to take it's place.
(((hugs))))
T
This is the post that Dandylion recommended to you. I haven't read it yet.
I am so very glad that you are checking in.
It does hurt to lose our repository of memories and hopes.
I still miss some things at times but I would not go back, could not live in those relationships again.
The intangible gains are far too precious.
My home is drama-free. I have freedom, peace, safety, security, acceptance...a loving, thoughtful partner who loves me as I am and shows it. So many things to be grateful for daily, hourly. As partners, we are on the same team, sharing life's problems therefore halving them, they are managable. Never being insulted, called a name. We can make plans for two weeks from now and I know that I can count on them, no more instability and ruined plans.
Single, I loved being able to do all things my way. I felt like I had been freed from captivity! And I reckon that is true. And I was free to make a commitment with a partner who does not try to change me who enhances my life.
The transition is anything but easy but it is worth it. Being sad is part of the journey but with time it continues to lessen and good things come to take it's place.
(((hugs))))
T
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