alphaomega

Ahhhhhh, I forgot what this felt like.

The one glass of wine to alleviate feeling like I was dying, creeped its way into a beer, a bottle of wine, a few shots of tequila and a toke off a one hitter.

It progresses, exponentially, without permission and quite literally as if by magic, right before my eyes.

The cravings are borderline unbearable.

My brain is screaming out for what my body is in utter protest to.

I even, EVEN, me, what ? Who ? Went to see my GP today to have a frank and honest discussion about Lexapro.

What has my world come to ?

After I slapped some fried rice concoction together for something that vaguely resembled a meal, while clenching my jaw that led to all out teeth grinding, I remembered what used to soothe me when my parents would be half in a bag by 6:00 pm.

I jumped on my bike and took the hell off. For hours. I vowed to stay out until the cravings passed. After 2 and a half hours of manic peddling, my thighs were melted, my clothes soaked from perspiration that I wasn't even aware of, and my brain felt like it had been electrocuted.

But the cravings lingered.

Then, I had no choice but to pull out the big guns.

Ice cream. WITH Hot fudge.

That finally worked.

Cautiously optimistic.

Dee74

It's not fun - but it's not impossible either

We're all with you AO

D

Lenina

((((AO)))). good job. early days are just awful. I'm so glad you posted.

What else to do notice happening? What else is going on around you? I know you don't really want to drink and draw out this special ring of hell. don't drink. It's not an option for us.

Hot fudge on ice cream.....yum......maybe some strawberries.....I have some spray whipped cream....yum

Love from Lenina

Melina

Alpha,

I was JUST now thinking of you and wondering how you were doing!

I'm on Day 2, too. Little trembly, nothing major. Sweaty. A good sign. Starting to get the little itches on my skin. Bring it.

Stuffed my face with spicy langostinos from a Nayarit style seafood place in Rogers Park and now I'm currently admiring my bloated food belly.

Show that ice cream who's bawss, AO!

We can get through tonight. We can.

xoxo,
Melina

Kaneda8888

Hey AO

It ain't a picnic, that's for sure. In my early weeks, I remembered doing everything that was recommended from therapy to prayers to chocolate and it was still tough. There are times when you do need to white knuckle it, focus with laser intensity on the NOW and grit your teeth. The cravings will pass but its important to remember that the cravings are not you and you wont let the cravings control your actions. No matter what.

Hang in there AO ! Be strong and stay committed. Just focus on now and ride out the storm.

alphaomega

I noticed that today was deliciously beautiful weather wise. The sky was filled with the most exquisite clouds that I almost got to enjoy while dodging roller bladers and people walking their dogs with those extendo cord things that could be my fast demise while peddling like a bat out of hell.

I noticed that in my lovely little neighborhood, there's a park that has a live band on Tuesdays, which I stopped to listen to because it was Funk, and Funk music makes ANY day better. But restaurants had set up tents and the smell of beer and summer did crazy things to my already whacked out head, so I didn't get to stay long. But it was magnificent while it lasted.

I noticed that my doctor loves loves LOVES the drug Lexapro. Like she could marry it. Which made me slightly uncomfortable, but so what else is new ? I do "uncomfortable" like i do breathing. Part and parcel.

I noticed my tolerance for BS drops by leaps and bounds when I start to put myself first. Zero tolerance for nonsense and shenanigans.

Like red lights. They really need to do something about those huge time wasters.

MariahGayle

Great going Alpha - I've been battling mine tonight too & you just "clenched" it for me...on my way to store for a carmela bar

alphaomega

Cool. Our food babies will have the same birth date.

I see a trip to a Korean spa in our futures to celebrate a month Mel.

Melina

I know what your fears regarding THE PILLS are, and they are way more deeply rooted than why I feared them. And I respect that, for sure.

For me, I was just afraid I wouldn't feel like myself. So instead I just drank so I wouldn't feel like myself. Hardy har har, knee-slapper there.

Point is, I had a friend explain it to me like this, 'the pills don't make your life magically better. Basically think of it as this: the way you think and process things is a road full of potholes. The meds smooth out the potholes but you need to use that smooth road to do the work in therapy to get somewhere.'

So I did that for about ten months. Took citalopram and went diligently to therapy every week. There was no point in taking the meds if I didn't have the therapy.

It helped me immensely with anxiety issues. Didn't cure me but the meds helped smooth the daily potholes enough so I could get a little farther down the road.

After ten months, I felt like I had nailed the issues that got me there in the first place. And my therapist agreed.

However, now, I see several other issues I never brought up and some more that have popped up, and I'm considering giving it another whirl.

Your potholes are different than mine, so I'm not trying to wave around a magic wand of presumption. I mainly write this bc I liked my friend's analogy. It made enough sense to me to give it a try and I hope it brings you comfort.

That being said, your mileage on our pothole-filled road may vary. Not trying to force anything here.

Let me know your thoughts, if you like!

xoxo,
M

NightsWatch

Haha.. awesome. I've used all the bad stuff: Cheetos, ice cream, chicken wings, etc.
Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but I get to eat Cheetos while trying.

alphaomega

I love the analogy !

Potholes for sure.

The Chicago kind, you know, the ones that bottom out your entire chassis and blow all four of your tires, while flipping you into a snow bank.

I'm hesitant about meds for about 12 million hundred thousand reasons, but, the ones that are at the forefront of the old noodle today are: weight gain, what if I can't stop drinking, what if once I do the anxiety tamps down, side effects like heart palps, WORSE anxiety, oh god, please no more therapy. Just. Can't.

I'm not on board yet. No where near. But, at least I am willing to have the uncomfortable conversation that solidifies my Loco. It's on the books now.

I'm officially "certifiable".

Melina

I'm proud of you for getting your butt out there and having that conversation! Do what you want, I'm always gonna be there!

I love it when you're around, sister. You make SR delicious!

And yes, let's do Korean spa in a month. There's nothing like those grannies scrubbing it all down. A hidden treasure in Chicago, that's for sure.

Lenina

AO, I don't know, the antidepressants didn't work with with me. All symptoms and no improvement. I did give them a fair shot. Frankly, I think doctors get sold on these pills by Big Pharma and not knowing what else to do for us.

right now, just dont drink. You've had a peaceful sobriety before. You can have it again. I'm wondering if the meds you had for surgery havent quite cleared you body yet?

love from Lenina

Nuudawn

Weight gain? Jeez...I just need early sobriety for that! I stepped on the scale I have been avoiding for ..like...ever...it seems.

(Insert profanity here!). I'm huge...like huge. Haven't seen that number on my scale for...oh....a long, long time.

Argh.

Good on you for hitting the pavement to blow off steam.
Apparently that's what I need to do rather than stuffing my pie hole.

Glad for your posts AO.

alphaomega

Thank you for saying that. I appreciate any and all honest opinions and stories regarding SSRI's. It would be an almost impossibly difficult decision for me to start them. But a ropes end, is a ropes end. And I will, at the very least, entertain the concept.

I, too, have wondered if my body is still overcoming the surgery. Thanks for reminding me of that as well. That another reason I'm hesitant. Maybe I just need more time to heal.

And, then, I think, all I have ever felt I have I done this life is heal and make do. Perhaps it's time for some further assistance ?

I dunno. Can't commit either way yet. But, I'll share with you what happened.

So I have been praying, and asking the Universe and all it's constituents, to help me make a decision about these things. Asking for signs, guidance, you know the dance.

I go to pick up my script. The pharmacy was having computer troubles and never received it.

They had to call the doctor, who of course, left for the day....

Ask and you shall receive ?

Or not receive ?

ajm0623

I know exactly how you feel, when we get sober were trapped in alcoholic insanity. This is a disease that centers in our minds and your head will try and give you every rationalization as to why picking up that first drink is a good idea. Juat remember that to drink is to die for alcoholics of our type. Hang in there, it will get better.

Lenina

(((AO))). It takes a surprisingly long time for all the anesthesia to clear the body. I would be very hesitant to have another surgery....even as much as I would like to get rid of my turkey neck.....not even my extreme vanity would want that months long hangover feeling from the drugs.

Do you know a good holistic doctor or a naturapath? it might help to get some advice there. I take some herbal remedies that help me a lot. you might see about getting some advice for detoxing the chemicals out and maybe getting some physical balance? I know your mind is there, you are not crazy. you want to be sober.

How's your sleep? I take some vitamins and minerals to help my body repair from micro traumas that hurt me due to the fibromyalgia. It really helps. can you get some massage therapy to help with healing? I'm thinking about seeing if my insurance might cover a part of it for me. just because I'm lumpy and fat.

I'm so glad you're here and not out on a binge or the ledge! I know you're saner than that!

love from Lenina

courage2

AO, I dunno what to say. I'm on Lexapro. I went on it after years and years of denial and fear of the mental health system. I went after a year's sobriety that ended in a brutally miserable relapse. I went because if I hadn't gone, I would have had to be hospitalized because I couldn't make it through a day, and then someone would have forced meds into me anyway.

So...Lexapro has worked. In fact, it's been a game-changer for me. But antid's have also revealed a whole lot of crap. Like my personality. Which is ... difficult.

When I have doubts, which is often, like today when I saw my shrink and he was suggesting an additional diagnosis with additional meds which I refused, I go back to basics:

• I'm an alcoholic who can't drink safely anymore.
• As an alcoholic, one of my worst problems was depression.
• I stayed sober for a year and still became rather seriously depressed, which led to distorted thinking & relapse.
• Untreated, the depression will kill me almost as certainly as the alcohol, certainly if the two are combined.
• Therefore I have to treat both my alcoholism and my depression, with whatever it takes.

I think that if you have a serious mental health issue that truly gets in the way of your recovery from alcoholism, part of putting sobriety first is overcoming your reluctance to treat your mental health issue as seriously as you need to, by trying all the tools professionals recommend, until you find what works for you.

Best wishes to you! Don't ever give up!

alphaomega

Courage - you have certainly chosen a most fitting name.

Thank you for sharing your journey with me.

I have every single concern and potential benefit bouncing around my head right now. I'm so very glad you were able to find relief.

In my head right now, It's a jungle in here.

FreeOwl

thank you AO. While I feel for you and am sending you comforting vibes and good intention for continued sobriety - at the same time I am grateful for you sharing what you're going through.

It helps remind me that the lingering thoughts from last night's gathering of friends - about maybe, just maybe someday being 'able' to moderate - are false for me. What you described is exactly what I've experienced, time and again, in attempts to allow alcohol into my life in balance and moderation.

Thank you for helping me honor my choice of sobriety today.