Alcohol being a trigger

Old 07-08-2014, 03:21 PM
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Alcohol being a trigger

Alcohol being a trigger
So I have not written for a long time. I have had no contact with my EXABF for 1 year. And by the way, for those who wonder, yeah no contact does work.

But I write because I have started dating a man who seems, well for lack of a better word, a normal grown up. We are having a real good time and I note there is no passive aggressive ****, no victim ****, and he is a good communicator. So, basically I feel comfortable and safe with him.

Except: the idea of alcohol still makes me anxious. I think I have had only a couple glasses of wine in a year, because it is a trigger. Having been so thoroughly lied to by my exabf over his drinking...i mean omg...it took a year for me to figure it out and I get scared of how easy people lie about their drinking; because they are lying not to me, but to THEMSELVES.

From what I can see in the 5 weeks I have known this man, he drinks 1 shot or 2 shots of tequila and has a cigar after work. I know many people drink like this...glass of wine with dinner, port before bed etc. But...there is an anxiety still...what if...what if....I have done the alcoholic routine twice now. The first time he was not secret, that man was my education. The second go around was the last one...the closet drinker. He knew I was zero tolerant of drug and alcohol abuse, so he went undercover.

Any advice on how I can deal with my feelings? I have no real interest in being with a teetotaler or definitely not with a recovering alcoholic and for me, I really want to start drinking normally eventually. I do miss my Cosmos and Champagne.

Hugs,

Carrie
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Old 07-08-2014, 04:15 PM
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Well -- I don't know if it's your feelings that are the problem. If you forgive me for saying so. I know we tend to be ultra-freaked-out by alcohol after seeing the damage it can cause, but still. I would like to ask you if maybe your feelings aren't the issue here, but his drinking?

The "I know that a lot of people have a glass of wine with dinner" sounds to me like you're trying to talk yourself out of being suspicious. I would avoid talking myself out of seeing red flags if I were seeing red flags.

Here's my very personal take on it: Yes, there are people who have a glass of wine or two with dinner every night. Yes, there are people who smoke a cigar when they come home from work every night. Yes, there are people who never drink during the week but drink every Friday and Saturday night. None of those people are people I'd like to share my life with. I am who I am. I've had the experiences I've had with alcohol and alcoholics. Those have taught me that regardless of what other people are comfortable with -- I know what I'm comfortable with. And that wouldn't be it.

After five weeks, if this man has had a couple shots of tequila after work every day, I'd probably pull way back and keep observing. At the most. But frankly, anyone who has a habit of consuming alcohol on a daily basis would be off my list of "interesting" real damn quickly.
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Old 07-08-2014, 08:02 PM
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Thank you lillamy. Your post reminded me to trust my feelings, not worry what I SHOULD feel like. Yeah, the smell of alcohol makes me anxious for very valid reasons. I spoke to the man tonight about my history and as it turns out also spent some time in Al-Anon as he had a run in with an Alcoholic a few years back. Jeez, is everyone touched by addiction? Seems so. He says he has a shot or two, two or three times a week, but it's not important, or a big deal; and not worth upsetting me. So, he says when and if I am ready to drink again to let him know, but in the meantime he has no problem giving it up. It felt good to speak my mind and have a relaxed and compassionate response. However, I still am nervous because I am not used to people telling the truth. That is why I am taking this relationship slow. Not just drinking issues, but to find out via friendship first (before romance) how safe and comfortable I feel and if he is consistent and steady.
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Old 07-08-2014, 09:05 PM
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Good for you for talking to him about it!!! That's something that I still have to learn -- except with my (new and not alcoholic) husband. In most relationships, I cut my losses and walk away rather than confront people with what makes me uncomfortable. It appears I have something to learn from you here!
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Old 07-08-2014, 09:28 PM
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The ironic thing lillamy, is your advice prompted me to talk to him. I had to bring it up. I still don't have a great radar for unhealthy behavior, but I have realized that in the last couple years, when something feels wrong, my heart starts pounding. My HEART knows, my adrenaline knows before my mind does. It's almost as though I have a blind spot but I know the truth inside. So now, if my heart starts pounding I take a GIANT step back. In this case my heart was pounding because I didn't trust myself to be ok with not wanting to be around the smell and consumption of alcohol. This forum is awesome. I knew I would hear what I needed to hear. And that is to respect MYSELF. I can't stand the smell of alcohol because it reminds me of lying and being confused over what was real. My ex would say he wasn't drinking, yet all the cues told me otherwise. It really messed with my trust in my instincts.

The jury is still out with this man, but it felt good to speak my truth out loud. And it felt good to get a compassionate response. Of course I still don't trust the situation LOL...but hey...it's good to be skeptical...Knowing someone for 5 weeks is nothing.
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Old 07-09-2014, 07:50 AM
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when something feels wrong, my heart starts pounding. My HEART knows, my adrenaline knows before my mind does. It's almost as though I have a blind spot but I know the truth inside. So now, if my heart starts pounding I take a GIANT step back.
I am a firm believer in what Gavin DeBecker talks about -- that we see and hear and subconsciously process a whole lot of information that our brains don't bother telling our conscious minds about all the time. The stuff that us mortals call "gut feelings." The fact that you can hear and trust your gut feelings again (I don't know about you but my ability to do that was severely damaged in an A relationship) is an amazing thing.
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Old 07-09-2014, 08:21 AM
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Good for you! You had an issue, you shared the issue with someone you have feelings about. That is major good.

I understand. Just the smell of alcohol sends me into some anxiety. I can work through it in my head, but I do know I would never be able to have a relationship with someone who drinks on a regular basis. No way.

That's just me. The thing is, a regular person is just like he said. They can take it or leave it. No everyone is an addict, but separating that in our heads is hard.

Addiction sucks.

Carry on......

XXX
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Old 07-14-2014, 11:13 AM
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Here is a followup to the trigger issue with the new man I am dating. So we had the talk and it went well as I wrote. But the smell of alcohol continued. So, my heart is beating and I am wondering if I am back in crazy alcoholic land. Keeping in mind to not jump to conclusions but keeping in mind I have the history and knowledge to be wary, I asked him...did you have a tequila shot today? Answer: "Nope". Hmmmm. Then it dawned on my...this guy smokes cigars and he is perhaps self conscious about his cigar breath. So I ask, do you use mouthwash? He looks somewhat uncomfortable and said..."oh...is my breathe bad? I ate garlic at lunch?" I said, "but do you use mouthwash?"...and he said,,"yeah, Crest and Listerine". Listerine! It's friggin booze and I realized that smell was the Listerine! Ok, for people like me, who are triggered by the smell of alcohol, even by a normie...DON'T LET A MAN YOU PLAN TO KISS use Listerine.

Hopefully this problem is in the past. Friggin Listerine!
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Old 07-14-2014, 01:13 PM
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Oh my G*d, nbay, it never occurred to me before. My STBXAH was a closet drinker. Always hid the alcohol, so the smell of alcohol isn't a trigger for me, but he would always try and cover it with mouthwash. Now the smell of Listerine makes me sick!

Figgin Listerine!

More to your original point, just make sure you're working on yourself, and keeping yourself emotionally healthy. As long as you're not looking to someone else to complete you, then you'll probably be ok however things turn out. That's good advice for a 15 year old just starting out in the dating world, or a 50 year old jumping back in.

And keep a lot of gum and mints in your purse so he won't need that friggin Listerine.
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