Life After AH
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Life After AH
What will it be like? I know that sounds silly cos it's different for everyone but I'm starting to wonder about this now. My exah moves out in 3 weeks and isn't coming back. I have an agreement signed to that effect in case his new soft landing turns out to be a rock. At some point, money pending for the rest of the house repairs, I have to sell our house and move elsewhere. He will be a bachelor again. I will have his children with me. We are moving to a place I know very few people as the medical care there is better for my son and it's a larger place with more opportunities for the future for all of us. But first the house has to sell and my older adult children have to find places to live.
I'm reading a lot about co-dependency, manipulation, red flags in future men etc. It's all scary and a bit overwhelming and I never thought I'd be starting again at the age of 53. I'm partly excited. Partly terrified. I'm already using my head and not going with my heart cos I'm in love with a man I know - just know- if I go near I will burn in my current state so I'm managing to avoid him tho it's killing me. He has no red flags. He's uncomplicated, loving and kind. Maybe one day eh?
I'm figuring out hobbies I can do once moved and places I can meet people and make friends. So Those who left AH what did you all do? Has life been good, bad, indifferent? I can't imagine it yet.
I'm reading a lot about co-dependency, manipulation, red flags in future men etc. It's all scary and a bit overwhelming and I never thought I'd be starting again at the age of 53. I'm partly excited. Partly terrified. I'm already using my head and not going with my heart cos I'm in love with a man I know - just know- if I go near I will burn in my current state so I'm managing to avoid him tho it's killing me. He has no red flags. He's uncomplicated, loving and kind. Maybe one day eh?
I'm figuring out hobbies I can do once moved and places I can meet people and make friends. So Those who left AH what did you all do? Has life been good, bad, indifferent? I can't imagine it yet.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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My experience was that when he was gone, I felt a lot of relief. I already did most everything for bills, house, and kids, so this new reality was not very different. I couldn't imagine what was next. I was emotionally numb for a long while. I still think I'm experiencing a little shock.
I also had a lot of "clean up" to do, literally and figuratively. The house was in disrepair. I threw myself into that. Threw out so much stuff, cleaned like crazy. Garage sales, trash days were nuts for a few weeks. My relationship with my son was really strained -- he was in bad shape, and I really concentrated on making myself capable of dealing with him in a fair and loving way. My daughter was too young to know what was going on. I paid extra attention to them for a long while, spoiled them a little bit, extra hugs and time together.
I started going out again in my little free time, doing all kinds of things. I've probably met 100 new people in the last couple of years. I pulled on my existing social networks and started going out to see things and people that were out of my wheelhouse. It grew me and my social circle. I'm involved in all kinds of stuff now. This weekend I'm volunteering at an event to show kids how to stay safe on their bikes.
I started biking. My friends were doing it and I could do it with the kids. It has captured my imagination like nothing else in the last ten years. It was relatively inexpensive and got me outside and exercising. I'm trying to ride 60-80 miles a week, which isn't really all that much, even though it sounds like it. It has made the kids and I much closer also. I look better and feel better.
Do whatever fills your cup. Face the debris of this relationship, and tear it down piece by piece, and look at it, and then set it aside -- make room for the new Tansy to grow. That's the best advice I have to give.
I also had a lot of "clean up" to do, literally and figuratively. The house was in disrepair. I threw myself into that. Threw out so much stuff, cleaned like crazy. Garage sales, trash days were nuts for a few weeks. My relationship with my son was really strained -- he was in bad shape, and I really concentrated on making myself capable of dealing with him in a fair and loving way. My daughter was too young to know what was going on. I paid extra attention to them for a long while, spoiled them a little bit, extra hugs and time together.
I started going out again in my little free time, doing all kinds of things. I've probably met 100 new people in the last couple of years. I pulled on my existing social networks and started going out to see things and people that were out of my wheelhouse. It grew me and my social circle. I'm involved in all kinds of stuff now. This weekend I'm volunteering at an event to show kids how to stay safe on their bikes.
I started biking. My friends were doing it and I could do it with the kids. It has captured my imagination like nothing else in the last ten years. It was relatively inexpensive and got me outside and exercising. I'm trying to ride 60-80 miles a week, which isn't really all that much, even though it sounds like it. It has made the kids and I much closer also. I look better and feel better.
Do whatever fills your cup. Face the debris of this relationship, and tear it down piece by piece, and look at it, and then set it aside -- make room for the new Tansy to grow. That's the best advice I have to give.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
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Hi Tansy,
I also was 53 when I left. I didn't know what to expect. I had really good friends that took me in for over 2 years. After the divorce, (which took a really long time, because he just dragged things out forever), I bought a house. This was a really big step for me. I never lived alone. I have to say that it had it's ups and downs. I bought a foreclosure, it was the only thing that I could afford. Well the first summer these, I pulled up the carpets, I figured it would be cheaper to replace the carpets if I pulled up the old carpets. I found out that the prior owners had poured oil on the sub floor. I couldn't get the oil out of it. I had carpenter bees, had exterminators come in, but they did nothing. There were lots of other problems.
I had to get the sub floors replaced, I researched everything about carpenter bees, I now own professional equipment to get rid of them (lol).
I think what got me through everything, was thinking that this house was abused as much as I was, and we are going to heal together.
There are a lot of challenges, things that you never had to do by yourself, but you just get a feeling of accomplishment each time you do something that you didn't think that you could ever do, but you did it, and you did it just fine.
((((((((hugs))))))))
I also was 53 when I left. I didn't know what to expect. I had really good friends that took me in for over 2 years. After the divorce, (which took a really long time, because he just dragged things out forever), I bought a house. This was a really big step for me. I never lived alone. I have to say that it had it's ups and downs. I bought a foreclosure, it was the only thing that I could afford. Well the first summer these, I pulled up the carpets, I figured it would be cheaper to replace the carpets if I pulled up the old carpets. I found out that the prior owners had poured oil on the sub floor. I couldn't get the oil out of it. I had carpenter bees, had exterminators come in, but they did nothing. There were lots of other problems.
I had to get the sub floors replaced, I researched everything about carpenter bees, I now own professional equipment to get rid of them (lol).
I think what got me through everything, was thinking that this house was abused as much as I was, and we are going to heal together.
There are a lot of challenges, things that you never had to do by yourself, but you just get a feeling of accomplishment each time you do something that you didn't think that you could ever do, but you did it, and you did it just fine.
((((((((hugs))))))))
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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There are a lot of challenges, things that you never had to do by yourself, but you just get a feeling of accomplishment each time you do something that you didn't think that you could ever do, but you did it, and you did it just fine.
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Well, the first thing I experienced was this incredible sense of freedom. I will never forget the day I first walked into my apartment -- a crappy little worn place in a crappy part of town... it just represented FREEDOM to me and I was in tears the day I moved in.
For me, adjusting to living without AXH wasn't hard. I reveled in the freedom of being able to do things I hadn't been able to do before -- I had a party within a week of moving in; not a raise-the-roof-drunken-cavorting kind of party but one where I texted all my friends and said "move-in party: Pizza and soda at my house, 6 pm on Friday. Be aware I have no furniture so we'll sit on the floor." After not being allowed to have people over for years, after not being comfortable even inviting a friend in for coffee, that was my big celebration of getting to be in charge of my own life again.
I wouldn't say it was super easy. I too had kids I needed to care for, but honestly, I had been taking care of everything from kid logistics to house cleaning for years without help anyway, so that, too, was easier -- at least there wasn't a drunk sleeping on the couch preventing me from running the vacuum, kwim?
The struggles for me were emotional, not practical. The practical stuff was a joy for me. That's where I blossomed, found myself again.
I reconnected with an old friend and ended up marrying him. As for making new friends, that's still a challenge. We're about the same age you and I, and I found two things about friendships: 1) My existing friendships were often very much like my marriage, where I was there for people who weren't there for me and 2) I'm pickier with friends these days.
I moved, too, and had to start over. I haven't made an effort to make new friends in the new place -- partly because I've been busy helping the kids adapt, partly because I've been busy working through my issues and my recovery. I also found that enforcing the boundaries that make my life healthy also has made me have fewer friends. For example, where I live, people around me seem to have an attitude to alcohol that I have issues with. Nobody seems to blink at having a drink or two and then getting behind the wheel. I've lost a few friends over taking a cab instead of riding with someone who's been drinking -- I'm a "goody two-shoes" who's paranoid, you know -- and also been looked at strangely when I've declined a drink at lunch in the middle of the work day.
But I don't mind. I think I've gotten to a place in life where being alone is better than being with people who make me feel bad. I have the kids, I have my husband, and while there are times I'd love to have a tight group of girlfriends, I don't really miss that an awful lot.
For me, adjusting to living without AXH wasn't hard. I reveled in the freedom of being able to do things I hadn't been able to do before -- I had a party within a week of moving in; not a raise-the-roof-drunken-cavorting kind of party but one where I texted all my friends and said "move-in party: Pizza and soda at my house, 6 pm on Friday. Be aware I have no furniture so we'll sit on the floor." After not being allowed to have people over for years, after not being comfortable even inviting a friend in for coffee, that was my big celebration of getting to be in charge of my own life again.
I wouldn't say it was super easy. I too had kids I needed to care for, but honestly, I had been taking care of everything from kid logistics to house cleaning for years without help anyway, so that, too, was easier -- at least there wasn't a drunk sleeping on the couch preventing me from running the vacuum, kwim?
The struggles for me were emotional, not practical. The practical stuff was a joy for me. That's where I blossomed, found myself again.
I reconnected with an old friend and ended up marrying him. As for making new friends, that's still a challenge. We're about the same age you and I, and I found two things about friendships: 1) My existing friendships were often very much like my marriage, where I was there for people who weren't there for me and 2) I'm pickier with friends these days.
I moved, too, and had to start over. I haven't made an effort to make new friends in the new place -- partly because I've been busy helping the kids adapt, partly because I've been busy working through my issues and my recovery. I also found that enforcing the boundaries that make my life healthy also has made me have fewer friends. For example, where I live, people around me seem to have an attitude to alcohol that I have issues with. Nobody seems to blink at having a drink or two and then getting behind the wheel. I've lost a few friends over taking a cab instead of riding with someone who's been drinking -- I'm a "goody two-shoes" who's paranoid, you know -- and also been looked at strangely when I've declined a drink at lunch in the middle of the work day.
But I don't mind. I think I've gotten to a place in life where being alone is better than being with people who make me feel bad. I have the kids, I have my husband, and while there are times I'd love to have a tight group of girlfriends, I don't really miss that an awful lot.
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Thanks for all the responses to this. Like you all I'm used to doing everything anyway so that won't be a surprise. My only real worry is doing diy as he did that sporadically between hangovers but I've a joiner friend, boiler man and a builder I could call in if needed.
I don't think I will be sad when he goes cos all the crying, anger and hurt is over for me over him now. I will just feel relief. My limbo will between the house being ready to sell and actually selling it and having my own place without his name on the deeds. Winter will be tough here but I have to suck it up.
Divorce wise he'll only agree to 2 years separation by mutual consent ( I'm in the UK) as he won't agree his unreasonable behaviour ( cos in his world it's not ) was the cause of the breakdown of our marriage. I'm not even sure can be called a marriage when he only married me to fund his lifestyle. I'm not bothered as I've no plans to marry again...ever! The thought of seeing someone gives me anxiety attacks...even men I really, really like.
Child wise he can't have overnight access due to his drinking which means I will have to l let him come to my place to see his sons. He can't pick them up as he's no car due to never being sober enough to drive one and one child won't go out due to his disabilities, so it's a dilemma. I 'm dreading that aspect cos as things are I don't want to see him again never mind have him in my house.
Another thing I am worried about is how do you know when people like you or are just being polite until you go away? I can't tell, after 19 years trapped the house with exah, if people like me or not. I tend to err on not cos he doesn't. They smile and chat but one in particular is an enigma. He calls me but never answers texts I send. I'm scared he thinks I'm bugging him even tho he's happy to chat on the phone. He says call me any time. I never do cos I am worried he sees me like an annoying puppy. My friends say he likes me from what I've described and I should go with the flow but I over analyse everything. He was like an island in a storm but I knew I couldn't stay on the island if that makes an sense? I want to get to a place where I don't care if people like me or not but I'm so scared of rejection I tend to avoid any situations where there's a risk of it happening with people that are important to me. Hell, I've just had my husband of 16 years tell me he never loved me. If I can get that wrong I can get anything wrong. I've realised I need a lot of work. I am so messed up. I'm crying now and have no idea why. I'll get there I suppose.
I don't think I will be sad when he goes cos all the crying, anger and hurt is over for me over him now. I will just feel relief. My limbo will between the house being ready to sell and actually selling it and having my own place without his name on the deeds. Winter will be tough here but I have to suck it up.
Divorce wise he'll only agree to 2 years separation by mutual consent ( I'm in the UK) as he won't agree his unreasonable behaviour ( cos in his world it's not ) was the cause of the breakdown of our marriage. I'm not even sure can be called a marriage when he only married me to fund his lifestyle. I'm not bothered as I've no plans to marry again...ever! The thought of seeing someone gives me anxiety attacks...even men I really, really like.
Child wise he can't have overnight access due to his drinking which means I will have to l let him come to my place to see his sons. He can't pick them up as he's no car due to never being sober enough to drive one and one child won't go out due to his disabilities, so it's a dilemma. I 'm dreading that aspect cos as things are I don't want to see him again never mind have him in my house.
Another thing I am worried about is how do you know when people like you or are just being polite until you go away? I can't tell, after 19 years trapped the house with exah, if people like me or not. I tend to err on not cos he doesn't. They smile and chat but one in particular is an enigma. He calls me but never answers texts I send. I'm scared he thinks I'm bugging him even tho he's happy to chat on the phone. He says call me any time. I never do cos I am worried he sees me like an annoying puppy. My friends say he likes me from what I've described and I should go with the flow but I over analyse everything. He was like an island in a storm but I knew I couldn't stay on the island if that makes an sense? I want to get to a place where I don't care if people like me or not but I'm so scared of rejection I tend to avoid any situations where there's a risk of it happening with people that are important to me. Hell, I've just had my husband of 16 years tell me he never loved me. If I can get that wrong I can get anything wrong. I've realised I need a lot of work. I am so messed up. I'm crying now and have no idea why. I'll get there I suppose.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Deep breath.
I've had to remind myself a million times that feelings are not facts. When I feel someone dislikes me etc. that does not mean it is fact. When I first moved here my neighbors started building a fence around their backyard. I had spoke with them and knew the fence was planned before I even bought this house but they started on the portion that bordered my yard. OMG - my mind went crazy. I felt for sure they must secretly detest me or that I annoy them or any number of negative things that would result in them starting on that portion of their fence first. Now - I felt that way but even then I logically knew that was crazy. I'm sure they didn't think twice about me - I'm just not that big of deal
I just reminded myself over and over - feelings are not facts and that my neighbors were nice to me and to accept that!
So - if your friend treats you nicely, says he likes to talk to you, and has enjoyable conversations with you - that is the fact, not your feelings or worries - see?
Having said all that take one step at a time. Get through this separation and then give yourself a much needed rest in the relationship department to find your calm and peace. You'll feel more confident moving forward if you do. For me personally some of the focus on every other relationship I had was so I did not have to focus on myself - because that was very uncomfortable. I no longer knew who I was, what I wanted or needed, or how to get it. It pays off to figure all that out though so that you are centered when entering a new relationships and just dealing with life in general. My home become a much calmer and happier place the closer I got to that center and it took a lot of focus to get there. Had I been exploring other relationships I would not have done that work.
I've had to remind myself a million times that feelings are not facts. When I feel someone dislikes me etc. that does not mean it is fact. When I first moved here my neighbors started building a fence around their backyard. I had spoke with them and knew the fence was planned before I even bought this house but they started on the portion that bordered my yard. OMG - my mind went crazy. I felt for sure they must secretly detest me or that I annoy them or any number of negative things that would result in them starting on that portion of their fence first. Now - I felt that way but even then I logically knew that was crazy. I'm sure they didn't think twice about me - I'm just not that big of deal
I just reminded myself over and over - feelings are not facts and that my neighbors were nice to me and to accept that! So - if your friend treats you nicely, says he likes to talk to you, and has enjoyable conversations with you - that is the fact, not your feelings or worries - see?
Having said all that take one step at a time. Get through this separation and then give yourself a much needed rest in the relationship department to find your calm and peace. You'll feel more confident moving forward if you do. For me personally some of the focus on every other relationship I had was so I did not have to focus on myself - because that was very uncomfortable. I no longer knew who I was, what I wanted or needed, or how to get it. It pays off to figure all that out though so that you are centered when entering a new relationships and just dealing with life in general. My home become a much calmer and happier place the closer I got to that center and it took a lot of focus to get there. Had I been exploring other relationships I would not have done that work.
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Originally Posted by Thumper 
Deep breath.
I've had to remind myself a million times that feelings are not facts. When I feel someone dislikes me etc. that does not mean it is fact. When I first moved here my neighbors started building a fence around their backyard. I had spoke with them and knew the fence was planned before I even bought this house but they started on the portion that bordered my yard. OMG - my mind went crazy. I felt for sure they must secretly detest me or that I annoy them or any number of negative things that would result in them starting on that portion of their fence first. Now - I felt that way but even then I logically knew that was crazy. I'm sure they didn't think twice about me - I'm just not that big of deal I just reminded myself over and over - feelings are not facts and that my neighbors were nice to me and to accept that!
So - if your friend treats you nicely, says he likes to talk to you, and has enjoyable conversations with you - that is the fact, not your feelings or worries - see?
Having said all that take one step at a time. Get through this separation and then give yourself a much needed rest in the relationship department to find your calm and peace. You'll feel more confident moving forward if you do. For me personally some of the focus on every other relationship I had was so I did not have to focus on myself - because that was very uncomfortable. I no longer knew who I was, what I wanted or needed, or how to get it. It pays off to figure all that out though so that you are centered when entering a new relationships and just dealing with life in general. My home become a much calmer and happier place the closer I got to that center and it took a lot of focus to get there. Had I been exploring other relationships I would not have done that work.
I've had to remind myself a million times that feelings are not facts. When I feel someone dislikes me etc. that does not mean it is fact. When I first moved here my neighbors started building a fence around their backyard. I had spoke with them and knew the fence was planned before I even bought this house but they started on the portion that bordered my yard. OMG - my mind went crazy. I felt for sure they must secretly detest me or that I annoy them or any number of negative things that would result in them starting on that portion of their fence first. Now - I felt that way but even then I logically knew that was crazy. I'm sure they didn't think twice about me - I'm just not that big of deal
I just reminded myself over and over - feelings are not facts and that my neighbors were nice to me and to accept that! So - if your friend treats you nicely, says he likes to talk to you, and has enjoyable conversations with you - that is the fact, not your feelings or worries - see?
Having said all that take one step at a time. Get through this separation and then give yourself a much needed rest in the relationship department to find your calm and peace. You'll feel more confident moving forward if you do. For me personally some of the focus on every other relationship I had was so I did not have to focus on myself - because that was very uncomfortable. I no longer knew who I was, what I wanted or needed, or how to get it. It pays off to figure all that out though so that you are centered when entering a new relationships and just dealing with life in general. My home become a much calmer and happier place the closer I got to that center and it took a lot of focus to get there. Had I been exploring other relationships I would not have done that work.
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Join Date: May 2010
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For myself I felt immediate relief. The first month or so was the hardest, but the relief never left me.
And I hired a handyman. A guy who can do a bit of everything. That has worked out well as my X was not handy anyways LOL!
Good Luck. You can do this!
And I hired a handyman. A guy who can do a bit of everything. That has worked out well as my X was not handy anyways LOL!
Good Luck. You can do this!
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I need a handy man. I also need to stop expecting people to be a certain way just cos my head thinks they are. I've been crushed again by finding out something I didn't know about someone that I think they should have told me tho in reality it wasn't anything to do with me. I'm finding it hard when people aren't honest with me even when they don't have to be if that makes any sense?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Don't they have visitation centres in the UK? Where you bring the kids and the parent can visit there? I've read other posting on this.
If it is possible, it would be worth it to arrange for something like that, or to meet him at a fast food place or something with the kids so he isn't in your personal space.
There is a chance he may not show up to these if he really gets drinking, as I've seen here time and again.
In terms of finding out "info" about people, remember you are very sensitive right now after all you've been through.
I wouldn't take anything personally at the moment because everything, quite frankly, kind of hurts right now. It will get better.
You are doing a great job moving this forward Tansy. Give yourself some credit
If it is possible, it would be worth it to arrange for something like that, or to meet him at a fast food place or something with the kids so he isn't in your personal space.
There is a chance he may not show up to these if he really gets drinking, as I've seen here time and again.
In terms of finding out "info" about people, remember you are very sensitive right now after all you've been through.
I wouldn't take anything personally at the moment because everything, quite frankly, kind of hurts right now. It will get better.
You are doing a great job moving this forward Tansy. Give yourself some credit
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Don't they have visitation centres in the UK? Where you bring the kids and the parent can visit there? I've read other posting on this.
If it is possible, it would be worth it to arrange for something like that, or to meet him at a fast food place or something with the kids so he isn't in your personal space.
There is a chance he may not show up to these if he really gets drinking, as I've seen here time and again.
In terms of finding out "info" about people, remember you are very sensitive right now after all you've been through.
I wouldn't take anything personally at the moment because everything, quite frankly, kind of hurts right now. It will get better.
You are doing a great job moving this forward Tansy. Give yourself some credit
If it is possible, it would be worth it to arrange for something like that, or to meet him at a fast food place or something with the kids so he isn't in your personal space.
There is a chance he may not show up to these if he really gets drinking, as I've seen here time and again.
In terms of finding out "info" about people, remember you are very sensitive right now after all you've been through.
I wouldn't take anything personally at the moment because everything, quite frankly, kind of hurts right now. It will get better.
You are doing a great job moving this forward Tansy. Give yourself some credit
It's ridiculous what I sweat over. I found out off Facebook ( I hate that social platform I really do) someone I thought I knew has a deep faith and never told me. It threw me completely off kilter cos I thought we were connecting and something like that is pretty big to me. It's stupid, it's not like I found out he was married or something. Yes you are right, I'm hurting and terrified I read people wrong again and this is one time I feel like I did. He didn't seem like the church type. He must have hid it from me. That kind of sucks to me. He was my first friend in my life after x ah. Oh well...move on and learn.
Thanks for the vote of confidence
xx
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I wish he had cos I could have talked about mine ( and as soon as I typed that I've realised I am just as bad for not opening up .) My faith, like everything else in my life with now xah, was on the back burner along with my unused hobbies and neglected friends. I'm thinking about going back to church now. It will help give me some peace. My first meeting is this Sunday. I'm scared stiff but will go.
.) My faith, like everything else in my life with now xah, was on the back burner along with my unused hobbies and neglected friends. I'm thinking about going back to church now. It will help give me some peace. My first meeting is this Sunday. I'm scared stiff but will go.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Good idea--and also dust off those hobbies.
I started playing guitar again when I stopped drinking and it has brought such joy to my life.
Fill what was negative "manage the drinking" with positive things like church, community, and things you enjoy doing and I bet those self-esteem / self-trust issues get better very quickly.
I started playing guitar again when I stopped drinking and it has brought such joy to my life.
Fill what was negative "manage the drinking" with positive things like church, community, and things you enjoy doing and I bet those self-esteem / self-trust issues get better very quickly.
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I went today to the church cafe and got a fabulous welcome so tomorrow will be easier.I had a horrible text off my dad basically saying that xah is a "good man" and will die without me and all he needs is for me to set an example by being teetotal ( wish it were that simple lol) while in the next breath telling me to take him to the cleaners over our house. He's rattled me as you can probably imagine.
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Tansy my situation is different as I was the problem drinker.
My partner left me and my daughter a couple of days after my 40th birthday.
He had an affair. He left when she was 3 months old as he also had an affair then.
He lived with us until the saturday and moved out in with her on the sunday.
We said goodbye and I took my daughter to soft play and when I came home 3 hours later he was gone. She has 2 children herself, age 4 and 7, but they do not live with her. They live with their dad.
I went through ups and downs.
At first I was almost floating along on a pink glad, so happy that I he had gone.
We had been unhappy for years.
He treated me poorly. He was always broke. His family were horrid to me. He expected me to pay for everything yet gave his gap year son (who sat in a room 24/7 on a playstation doing nothing) £200.00 a month. I had no choice but to work full time. He left all the house maintenance to me too.
I do think you need to prepare yourself for the ups and downs.
I remember one week thinking, life is brilliant, I can do this on my own.
Only to find the next week I was sat sobbing in the hall as it was filled with water and there had been a massive leak. I then locked myself out of the house which cost me £80.00 to get a locksmith to let me back in. It took him about 3 seconds to unlock the door.
My health has been really poor too and I have been admitted as an emergency to hospital a few times. That has made things hard. Looking after a 4 year old when you have days of uncontrollable vomiting is not easy.
I decided that for me there was no question of another relationship until we were settled and my daughter was happy in her home, wherever that maybe and when she starts school in September.
He obviously has no such thoughts like that as they live together and have been on holiday 3 times this year already.
My daughter has started to spend time with his new girlfriend and stays the night every so often.
My health became so bad I was exhausted and it was the only way to get a small break for me.
I am lonely.
I am sad that I do not envisage ever meeting anyone else.
I find it hard when my daughter goes to bed on an evening as I am on my own. **% of my friends have families and kids. So they all do stuff as a family at weekends and they spend evenings together.
I also found that friends rallied round at first - lots of texts and phone calls - but as life went on they contacted me less, even though I didn't hurt less. Perhaps that might be something to look out for too?
Some try to include me and for that I am grateful.
I think speaking from my experience is that you can have a run of good days, then a bad day comes from nowhere to bite you on the behind and it is a shock! But thats just how it is and it is not forever.
I too have a handyman and that is a massive help. I have saved money as I am not paying for him all the time, so for some jobs, I don't even attempt them, I just ring my handy man. There is also a bloke in an electrical shop near to me who will help out with any broken gadget he can if I take it in with me. In return I buy all my batteries etc that I need from him.
My daughter dotes on her daddy and never has a bad word to say.
People will say that in time she will realise what he did, but that might be 10 years away.
Luckily she is quite resilient and when she comes back from his, she barely mentions him.
She also seems to want different things from me than from her dad.
I'm good at special cuddles and helping her fall asleep.
I can do 'cool' hairstyles.
I read the best stories and help her do the best colouring in!
She can tell any worry she has and she says I make it go away.
I'm sure your kids will appreciate you for things you do for them that their dad cannot.
I really do wish you the best xxxx
My partner left me and my daughter a couple of days after my 40th birthday.
He had an affair. He left when she was 3 months old as he also had an affair then.
He lived with us until the saturday and moved out in with her on the sunday.
We said goodbye and I took my daughter to soft play and when I came home 3 hours later he was gone. She has 2 children herself, age 4 and 7, but they do not live with her. They live with their dad.
I went through ups and downs.
At first I was almost floating along on a pink glad, so happy that I he had gone.
We had been unhappy for years.
He treated me poorly. He was always broke. His family were horrid to me. He expected me to pay for everything yet gave his gap year son (who sat in a room 24/7 on a playstation doing nothing) £200.00 a month. I had no choice but to work full time. He left all the house maintenance to me too.
I do think you need to prepare yourself for the ups and downs.
I remember one week thinking, life is brilliant, I can do this on my own.
Only to find the next week I was sat sobbing in the hall as it was filled with water and there had been a massive leak. I then locked myself out of the house which cost me £80.00 to get a locksmith to let me back in. It took him about 3 seconds to unlock the door.
My health has been really poor too and I have been admitted as an emergency to hospital a few times. That has made things hard. Looking after a 4 year old when you have days of uncontrollable vomiting is not easy.
I decided that for me there was no question of another relationship until we were settled and my daughter was happy in her home, wherever that maybe and when she starts school in September.
He obviously has no such thoughts like that as they live together and have been on holiday 3 times this year already.
My daughter has started to spend time with his new girlfriend and stays the night every so often.
My health became so bad I was exhausted and it was the only way to get a small break for me.
I am lonely.
I am sad that I do not envisage ever meeting anyone else.
I find it hard when my daughter goes to bed on an evening as I am on my own. **% of my friends have families and kids. So they all do stuff as a family at weekends and they spend evenings together.
I also found that friends rallied round at first - lots of texts and phone calls - but as life went on they contacted me less, even though I didn't hurt less. Perhaps that might be something to look out for too?
Some try to include me and for that I am grateful.
I think speaking from my experience is that you can have a run of good days, then a bad day comes from nowhere to bite you on the behind and it is a shock! But thats just how it is and it is not forever.
I too have a handyman and that is a massive help. I have saved money as I am not paying for him all the time, so for some jobs, I don't even attempt them, I just ring my handy man. There is also a bloke in an electrical shop near to me who will help out with any broken gadget he can if I take it in with me. In return I buy all my batteries etc that I need from him.
My daughter dotes on her daddy and never has a bad word to say.
People will say that in time she will realise what he did, but that might be 10 years away.
Luckily she is quite resilient and when she comes back from his, she barely mentions him.
She also seems to want different things from me than from her dad.
I'm good at special cuddles and helping her fall asleep.
I can do 'cool' hairstyles.
I read the best stories and help her do the best colouring in!
She can tell any worry she has and she says I make it go away.
I'm sure your kids will appreciate you for things you do for them that their dad cannot.
I really do wish you the best xxxx
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