jess85

Hello, I'm new to this forum. Two weeks ago I left my husband after I reaized he had been using. We've been together for 11 years. In 2004 he started using, first cocaine and then crystal meth. It was horrible. He had turned into a complete monster. He lied to me, stole from me, manipulated me and completely disrespected me. It was a complete nightmare but I was scared to leave and had no one to turn to. Finally at the end of 2007 I got up the strength to leave. Losing us caused him to reach his rock bottom and he got clean and sober. Several months later we got back together and since have gotten married and had 2 more children. Last September I came home from work one day and he was in the bathroom with the door locked and when I finally got him to come out I could tell he had used. I was devasted and told him I was leaving and he broke down and said he had a weak moment and didn't know why he did it but would never do it again. I didn't end up leaving but he didn't continue using either.

Well about two months ago his behavior started changing. I noticed something was up but I think I was in denial about what it could be. After about a month I could no longer deny that he was using again. Even my oldest daughter told me that she thought something was wrong with daddy and it was upsetting to her. So I got an apartment and we left. Immediately he took full responsibility for his actions and thanked me for leaving because he was trying to stop but couldn't and now he definitely would. He doesn't know where we live right now but I took the kids to see hime on the past two weekends. As soon as I'm around him though I just want for everything to be how it was and I regret having left. I feel guilty because I left him with nothing and he had to sell his truck and pretty much all of his belongings to pay rent. I know I shouldn't feel guilty but I do, all the time. I told him I need time but he keeps pressuring me to decide something now. I just don't know what to do. I believe that he hasn't used since I left, and I also believe that he is capable of remaining clean, but I fear that years down the road the same thing will happen and our kids will be older, which will make it much harder. I have a good paying job and am perfectly capable of supporting my kids on my own, but I feel like if I'm able to make the marriage work then I should. Any advice would be appreciated because I just feel really confused right now. Thank you.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board, Jess. I'm very thankful that you found us and that you've taken the step to post. Others will be by to greet you, but I'd like to give you a little feedback, too.

What you did -- leaving him -- took a lot of courage. Please do not feel guilty about the choice you made; one person's actions often lead to another person's decision. Your AH is an addict who has given himself permission to put drugs before his marriage and his children. You responded appropriately and correctly. It may not feel like that, but you did.

As far as what to do regarding your marriage, I cannot advise you on that. All I can tell you, Jess, is that you need to make decisions based on what is best for you and for your children. And in order to do that, you need to fully understand what you're up against. There can be no denial; the stakes are too high.

I encourage you to take advantage of the resources that the Board has to offer. Read as many posts as you can, and pay close attention to the experience and wisdom our members share with you. It will save your sanity.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

Hawkeye13

None of us can tell you what to do, but I agree wit zoso that you did the right thing in leaving.

I see a red flag if he is pressuring you to come back, however, and I would not hurry to do that. He made the choice to use drugs and relapse not once but twice.

Think long and hard before you put your kids back living with an active addict.
Just stopping for a few weeks means very little, and they only have one childhood.

I grew up with an active alcoholic, and my life was forever changed (not for the better)
by living with addiction and trying to "normalize" it. Please read the stickys about impact this can have on kids before you let him talk you into moving back.

So what if he is broke--he's the one who chose to spend his money on drugs and put his family second. That's on him.

Sorry you are going through this but you sound like a strong and determined person.

Ksgirl

I've left and taken mine back many times, but no more. I tried to make a marriage work with an addict (impossible for me). Our priorities are different, from family time to finances to work ethic. My boys are old enough now to truly see he chooses other "things" over them or us on a regular basis. I refuse to raise children in an environment like that. They need to be protected. You are blessed that you can afford to support yourself. Some are not so lucky and often stay just because of that. Please think of the kids if nothing else. maybe request to have some proof of sobriety for a certain amount of time before you even consider cohabitating again. Just my opinion...I wish I had. God Bless.

jess85

Thanks for the responses, that does help. I've been reading different posts throughout the day and so many of them hit home. I'm so glad I stumbled upon this website. I don't really have any friends, mostly because my husband is so jealous it's hard to build a relationship with anyone else. I talk to my coworkers but then I feel like it's easy for them to say to leave him because they've never been in my situation. Deep down I know that I've been in an unhealthy relationship, but I don't know why I have such a hard time leaving. Growing up my mom dealt with the same abuse and manipulation that I have and she never left. I guess that's why this just seems normal to me. My coworkers have told me that I should look into a support group to help deal with what I'm going through, and I can see now how just reading posts from people going through similar things really opens my eyes to reality. It's hard because I feel really weak when I'm around him. He plays down everything he's ever done and makes me feel like I'm just making a big deal out of nothing and then I end up going along with whatever he tells me. I just need to learn to be stronger when I'm speaking with him and not cave. Maybe that will get easier with time.

Hawkeye13

This is exactly why you may want to think carefully before putting your kids back in this situation.
They are learning, just as you did, that this is a "normal" relationship and how they should be treated and treat others.

This message can take a lifetime to undo, if ever.
I ended up with addict after addict because of how I grew up,
and became an alcoholic myself in the end.

You repeat what you know.
Ideally, we model self-love, respect for self and others, and that life is a safe place to be.

That's impossible to do in an addicted home, I'm sorry to say.

Take care and know we support you whatever you choose to do.

chicory

Ok, honey, this is your red flag of warning.... If he plays down what he has done, he surely does not have the frame of mind to stay sober/clean, and surely is disregarding what he has done to his family. That kind of treatment of your feelings is manipulation. If he cannot wait until you trust him, he isn't trustworthy, in my opinion.
a big deal out of nothing? This does not sound like recovery to me.

I think you were wonderful in taking your children out of there and giving them a place where they can feel safe , and where they know their feelings matter.

I am sorry this is hard. But you are such a good mom, and wise. If you do not feel like you should do it, do not do it! listen to that tiny still voice inside of you.. you can trust her.
we are here for you. others have been there, and you can find the same joy , even if you and your AH cannot live together. your children may be happier, definitely safer, and much more well adjusted with a mom who is there , in every way, for them.

big big hugs!

zoso77

Jess, he does this because he doesn't want to accept any responsibility for what he has done. And by going along with whatever he tells you, you've unwittingly enabled him. It's stuff like this that makes it difficult for the loved one of an addict to establish boundaries on what acceptable behavior is. And when he's caught using, like you described, he "took full responsibility" only as a measure to get what he wanted.

Do you want to really know what you're up against? Go to our home page and read the sticky note "What Addicts Do" and read it until you can see the words even when you close your eyes.

Firefall

Jess, I notice a routine. You say he gets clean when you leave him, but you take him back and he starts using again. Perhaps he feels he just wants someone to take care of him do he can feel free to use? It is also troubling that he wants to keep you socially isolated.
This is not healthy for you or your kids.

You and your children are what is important.