Mizzuno

Hello. I have not posted in 4 months. I consciously decided to drink right after learning of my sisters stage 4 cancer. The whole entire experience has been a nightmare. Everyday is a damn nightmare with her and in my head. So, ive been drinking. Its helped some honestly. Now, im having episodes and I want it to stop. I want to say that im strong and that there is never a reason to drink. People do say that right? I dont know. This cancer seemed like a good ******* reason until my drinking started to get bad. I was just telling Nuudawn that i was okay. I was "okay" when I told her that. Now not soo much.

Gilmer

Welcome back, Mizzuno! We have missed you!

Leshar

I'm so sorry to hear of what has been happening.
I've missed your posts.
Sending good wishes and hope, for you and your sister.

Mizzuno

There is no hope for my sister. We are calling in hospice and stopping chemo. She does not want to live any longer. She wants to go out without pain and loaded. I dont blame her. My heart. .....

FreeOwl

Hey Mizzuno!! Welcome back.

Life's challenges can be really rough... and when it involves the struggles and pain of our loved ones it can really bring us to the edge.

I promise you, alcohol won't really make any of that easier. It might feel that way for a while, but you know the deal. I'm glad you're back.

You will be far more strength, love and support for your sister - and yourself - sober.

Keep coming on, we're here for you.

Mizzuno

Yes. Ill be better for everyone sober. Allbof this is hard. Sober not sober its all ******* ****** right now. Im not having a pity party. I am grieving I suppose

adee

I am so sorry for your family's heartbreak. While you are living through this, it is necessarily a day at a time. My experience has been that time and sobriety have offered me a chance to find meaning and peace, but it takes what it takes in terms of time and grieving. My heart goes out to you.

trachemys

Hey Mizz, long time no see.

Sorry for what you're going through. Yes, you are grieving. Talk to whoever you need to...a counselor, a person of the cloth, us. Do whatever you need to to get through this. Don't drink. It will only amplify the pain.

Wharf Rat

Hi, I feel your pain. My 28 year old sister was just diagnosed with cancer recently as well. I have decided that she needs me sober and if thats what snaps me out of the alcoholic life I've been leading all of these years than so be it. I don't have much sober time and everyday is a struggle, but I know I don't want to be drunk when she needs me most.

Leshar

Mizzuno, grief is beyond painful. I drank myself into oblivion after my husband died of cancer. 6 years of trying to obliterate the pain. Now I have to go through it all over again, sober and it's awful. I complicated the grieving process with alcohol.
Please grieve in the best way possible. Sober is a start.
I wish you strength.

Nuudawn

Of course you are grieving my friend. I have no idea why this is coming to my head, but I am suddenly reminded of an old Frankie Laine song my dad used to listen to..it just started playing in my head when I read your post..

"but this time you gave me a mountain, a mountain I may never climb, it isn't a hill any longer, Lord you gave me a mountain this time".

I cannot begin to know your pain my friend, but as you know I care for you very much..and I have missed you. Let us be a part in this for you..let us help in however small way to be there for you in this dark night.

You know you need to be sober for this. The woman I know is a strong, strong soul..and you need to face all this with the eyes, the heart and the love of the real woman you are.

P.S. I really didn't think you were "okay"...but I didn't think you were shouldering what you obviously have been...and couldn't share at that time.

Mizzuno

Okay. I dont know how to do this whole dying thing. I dont know how to listen to my 36 year old sister tell me that she is giving up and doesnt want to live anymore. So, after hearing all of her pleas and wiping her tears and sobbing with her, i came home and drank myself into a sobbing horrible mess. On the bathroom floor mess. WTF? I was in therapy. I was over a year sober and then i jumped off a cliff. Yesterday was my worst drinking day since resuming drinking. I was fully aware of my alcoholism the whole time. I just didnt care. Im rambling. Grieving sucks and its detrimental.... .i wish i could stop crying.

Pondlady

I am so sorry about your sister's illness...heartbreaking. I'm sure you already know that drinking won't help her, or you. I think she'd want you to make the most of your life. Hugs.

doggonecarl

I empathize with you.

Last year, my sister was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She underwent a lifesaving operation that was extremely dangerous. We didn't know if she'd make it. Believe me, I looked longingly at drinking. But if my sister could go through it without drinking--and she HAD the tumor--the least I could do, the person without the tumor, was stay sober for her.

Mizzuno

The funny thing about my sister is that she has turned into a full blown drug addict with this cancer. The only thing she is concerned about is drugs and being loaded. It freaks me out so much. Drugs will probably kill her first. She is fine with that. Not sure if she would want me sober at all. However. I want me sober

HeadLump

I'm so, so sorry, Mizz. I can't imagine what hell you're going through at the moment, but I'm so glad you're back here, in the bosom of your SR family, posting again

PurpleKnight

Welcome back Mizzuno!!

Sorry you're going through such a rough time, SR is in your corner!!

Serenidad

I am so sorry! I know what it feels like to have someone you love & care about dying of cancer. It's terrible & such a helpless feeling. Like others have said, drinking won't make her better. Get sober again for her...in her honor and of course for YOU. You and your sis will be in my prayers. Again, I am so so sorry! Try to stay strong!

Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery

gracetuesday

Grief is so difficult.... I drank for most of the past 5 years because I didn't want/know how to grieve.... It finally caught up with me.... drinking became more painful than feeling the feelings. I needed support, and people to hold me as I screamed & cried. I think none of us really "know" how to grieve well at first, but I agree with others that alcohol only creates more issues... sending you peace & light for the days ahead.

Mizzuno

Im a terrible drunk. Im not sure how my husband has put up with me. Im not sure how ive mAnaged to make it this far. I want to go back to a happier place when things were not so difficult. I am making it more difficult on myself and more importantly on my husband. ****. I saw that i was hit with a sledge hammer 4 months ago and Ive been steadily and willingly declining since then. I just didnt care.