jarp

And has been replaced by the deepest, darkest pain I think I have ever felt. Oh man it hurts. I feel like I have been run over. A thousand times. An elephant is sitting on my chest, I cant breath. I didnt know this would hurt so badly. Well I did, I guess thats why I avoided seperation for so long.

I started a new job 3 months ago...have 3 months to go on my probation...its an environment that isnt forgiving....its all I can do to not cry today. I've had majory presentations etc on, I seriously don't know how I am getting through it, and hiding it. Its taking so much energy I feel I could just put my head down on my desk and fall asleep.

Where is this sense of peace that everyone talks about when their A walks out that door for the last time? I don't feel that.

I guess the 'deadness' and feeling 'ok' was there becuase it hadn't sunk in. It could still be reversed. But AH...make that XAH I guess....came and got the rest of his packed bags. Sent me a txt saying tha I don't need him anymore, that I am better off without him, and that he wont kill himself. That he loves me and the kids.

I dont know how to navigate this pain. I dont know how to put on that brave face and create that joy for my kids that everyone talks about. The are on school holidays at the moment and full of beans. The older two dont know yet, but I explained it to the 5 year old yesterday in teh way I planned, and he responded that 'Daddy diesnt love him' and EXACTLY how many days will it before he gets to see him, because 'if Daddy loved me he'd come and play with me'. He just kept screaming TELL ME. TELL ME MUMMY. I cant answer his questions because I dont know if AH will want to see his son. He's not communicated anything to me about the kids, money, nothing. At FIVE he's already making those unhealthy connections. All I kept doing was saying "Daddy loves you, he is not well, he's making bad choices, choices that are bad for all of us and this is not your fault. Because Daddy is not well he needs to be away at the moment, but he loves you and this is nothing to do with you". What else do you say to a five year old who 'adores' his daddy?

Gosh I HATE him. AH that is.

Just had to get thsi out before I explode into tears at work.

NWGRITS

I think that peace is something that comes after the dark, once you've processed the anger. It's still the ending of a relationship, A partner or not. You're going to grieve. You'll find in time that you aren't really grieving the loss of your AH, but more your dreams, plans, hopes, what-could-have-been. This is still very raw for you; a fresh wound covered in salt. Be kind to yourself, above all. Those kiddos need their mama. As far as said kiddos are concerned: just keep doing what you're doing. As you've noticed, they already know a lot. There will be hurt and anger, mean words hurled at you. Probably a bit of blame, too. It's hard enough having a rapidly growing brain and body without throwing in this mess. Keep telling them they are loved, but also that you don't have all the answers but are doing your best for them. It's hard. Do they have a counselor at school they can see to help them navigate these changes? Some third-party professional would be good for them. Stay strong. You have a ton of virtual hands on your shoulders here. You are not alone.

suncatcher

Jarp, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how much it hurts. I was devastated when axbf broke up with me the first few times. I sat in my car in his driveway and cried my eyes out and called my best friend saying " I don't know how to be without him." I didn't know how to be by myself because I had never tried it. Then one night I was home missing him and thought what do I do now? I went and bought my favorite ice cream and put in my favorite movie and thought "hey maybe I can do this after all." But I think it is much more difficult when there are children involved. The peace comes when you just take care of you and your little one each day. It doesn't happen overnight. Sometimes its a long process. But you will get there. Be gentle with yourself. Keep reading and posting. You are not alone in how you are feeling now.

jarp

Thanks both. I know it will get better, I do, but MAN the pain is actually physical.

Funny thing is AH travels a lot for work and I used to LOVE it when he went away. But sitting here alone now the kids are in bed is agony. I feel so empty. It's funny when I was in psychotherapy my therapist suggested one of the things that was keeping me with my AH was an intense fear of loneliness and of being alone...I never agree with her as I LOVED my alone time, but maybe she was right. Even when AH didn't show up after work and got home all hours I'd fill my time with worry and anxiety. But this....urgh.

I have found a family therapist and will go and see him...I'd like someone to help me, and to help the kids/ help us talk all together.

Thanks for the encouragement, and the acknowledgement that it is ok to grieve, that I am going to, and that I won't be able to avoid it.

The support means a lot.

redatlanta

Jarp, I am so sorry for how you are feeling, I do not think its unusual.

I think if you read most people's stories they share the same pain. Its less often that the A leaves and the person is immediately happy. Searchingpeace is one member that comes to mind that has really struggled with the separation.

Regardless of getting rid of the troublemaker, its still a marriage and family. Its still a loss. Its a loss of hope as well. These things are painful. Change is very, very hard. I think that is why so many people stay when they can't stand their living situation because its better the Devil you know than the Devil you don't.

This is why so many people end back up with their A's - the pain is so great they would rather alleviate it than work through it. I think we also interpret the pain to mean that we must not want what is happening.

I hope that you will seek support during this time. You will begin to feel better - when you are able to notice the chaos that the A brought is gone. It will come just give it some time. I encourage you to read the threads of Shootingstar1. She well documented the process mentally and emotionally of leaving her AH. Here are a couple of threads that might be applicable to what you are going through.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-get-life.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-choosing.html

sunday9

jarp -- I understand, I understand, I understand!!!! Being alone is something I have been craving -- to just relax and not worry about the A and have marathon tv sessions, clean closets, find a new job, etc. Since he left I have used "my" time to whine, cry, obsess, beat myself up, grieve, fear, etc. I know much of it was my drama queen mode I can't blame A on as I was one as a child. Some of it was/is just normal breakup process. It takes a toll physically too - not eating right, nor sleeping etc. Then add the "codie, enabler" to the mix and we have a problem that nobody can understand unless they are or have been one too.

It's been over a week now. I feel much better. I know I'll probably talk to ABF this week and who knows what that will do to my progress. I hope I don't feel that "dark place" stuff again for a long, long time. I don't want him back yet but I know he can weaken my resolve.

redaltalnta - thanks for sharing links....I will read them too.

jarp

Wow thx redatlanta...shooting stars posts gave me chills. What a wonderful inspiration, what an amazing writer. I'm going to read and reread those posts over and over.

And thx Sunday...I really hope that you too keep moving forward. We can both do this!

dandylion

jarp---I don't think "everyone" feels immediate sense of peace as the alcoholic leaves.
Yes, I did when I finally got my exh (my children's father) to leave....after I had separation papers drawn up and signed. BUT, I had been processing the separation in my own mind for a long time. It didn't just happen, BOOM...one day! He...on the other hand was very distraught and flipped and flopped most of the way. Why? Because he had a totally different reality than me. He had a good set-up.....and, I had become miserable down to my very core!

Each person is at their own stage of separation at the time of the physical split. Some of us are completely "cooked" (stick a fork in me...LOL)......and others are hitting reality in the face for the first time.

By your own admission, jarp, you have held onto hope for dear life. I don't think that you have had any space to begin the grieving in little bites before this. You are getting the whole bushel at one time, now. And grieving hurts like a sun-of-a bittche. At it's peak--there aren't really any words to describe what it feels like.

As bad as this is....it won't stay like this. It will pass in it's own time. Try to think of it as the beginning of the overall healing process.
In the long-term, there will be peace...and, you will be able to laugh, again.
Short-term pain for long-term gain.

But, this moment is what I call "wailing wall time" for you. Cry...vent...scream...question God.....let it out every chance you get. Grief is comprised of a jumble of many different feelings, which can come at any time and in any order.

Keep posting....we are here to support you...

dandylion

hopeful4

O Jarp, my heart is breaking for you. Definitely it is stages. I felt peace because I had already been through and processed the anger and all the other horrid stuff that comes with it. Do you see a counselor? That helped me immensely. I would also recommend getting your children into counseling. It has helped my children so very much. My little DD is being released from counseling very soon and does not want to be b/c she loves it!

Take it a moment at a time.

marie1960

Jarp,

Another poster, by the name of Thumper suggested I practice awareness, and I must say it is helping.

I am starting to realize that all these emotions I am feeling are more about myself than the XA.

I've returned to work, and I do ok by daylight, but when I crawl into bed at night, the reruns begin to play in my head. I tell myself each night, "no more crying" but I cry anyway.

This grieving process doesn't come with a manual, we are human, we have feelings, and we just have to try and live it the best we can.

you are not alone, friend, sometimes we just have to give time, time.

hang in there.

suncatcher

Hi Jarp, I read a great book called "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard Halpern. It really helped with the anxiety and fear of abandonment issues. I think someone recommended it to me once here on SR and I like to pass it on to others. I read so much when I was trying to heal and search for answers. There is so much helpful information out there. Somehow when I read information it was a comfort and helped me gain clarity and strength. I wish the same for you.

queenapple

"You'll find in time that you aren't really grieving the loss of your AH, but more your dreams, plans, hopes, what-could-have-been."

This line was a real eye-opener for me. It's completely and absolutely the truth, at least in my case. I'm mourning the loss of my dream of the perfect family, the family holidays, the storybook endings. I'm actually much happier without RAH in the house. He's not really what I miss.

Now, if I can just get over feeling bad that he's in this situation that's totally of his own making....

Santa

jarp,

The day my husband (now XAH) finished packing and went to stay in his rental house overnight and permanently, he said he had to get going, gave me a quick hug, and as soon as he left I burst into tears.

Our life together had become truly miserable. My stress level was unmanageable. I would not live with him again for any reason even if he achieved long-term sobriety. It's well and truly over. But I still feel a little bit sad once in awhile for the loss of the family unit. Mostly that I didn't chose a husband more carefully. I think it's okay.