It's my time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 164
It's my time.
Hi everyone,
I'm 31 years old and today is day one of my new, sober life.
My drinking problem is bingeing. I don't drink every day (but I do almost every day.) Once I have a drink, it's like something goes off in my head and my mind/body wants more, more, more, MORE. I call it the beer monster. But it's really just a drinking problem. Once I have one, I can't stop. People have told me that I could always just limit my drinking to a 2-3 drinks maximum. I've tried that. It just doesn't work. I used to be able to, but I can't anymore. I am accepting now that I just can't control it. If I have one drink, I'm going to have 6 or more. The loss of control is getting worse too.
I blacked out again last night. I woke up on my friend's couch with no idea what the **** happened. Again.
It's been happening more and more often this past year, and over the past few years. I never used to black out, and now I can lose hours upon hours of the night. Is this part of the progression of alcoholism? Is it a sign of brain damage? Sometimes, it's so bad that people will remind me of things I said or did and I'll have absolutely no memory of it.
I've been drinking since I was a teenager, and it's almost always binge drinking. I used to at least be capable of drinking in moderation once in awhile, and sometimes I still can manage to drink only 1-2 drinks in a night. But that's so rare now, I can't hope for it anymore. I know I have a major problem. I just can't drink anymore. Period.
I cannot even fathom how much strength this is going to take. I spent a lot of time today crying about it. I am absolutely TERRIFIED. But I feel good about it. Strong. I'm reclaiming myself, my mind, my body, my life.
I'm 31 years old and today is day one of my new, sober life.
My drinking problem is bingeing. I don't drink every day (but I do almost every day.) Once I have a drink, it's like something goes off in my head and my mind/body wants more, more, more, MORE. I call it the beer monster. But it's really just a drinking problem. Once I have one, I can't stop. People have told me that I could always just limit my drinking to a 2-3 drinks maximum. I've tried that. It just doesn't work. I used to be able to, but I can't anymore. I am accepting now that I just can't control it. If I have one drink, I'm going to have 6 or more. The loss of control is getting worse too.
I blacked out again last night. I woke up on my friend's couch with no idea what the **** happened. Again.
It's been happening more and more often this past year, and over the past few years. I never used to black out, and now I can lose hours upon hours of the night. Is this part of the progression of alcoholism? Is it a sign of brain damage? Sometimes, it's so bad that people will remind me of things I said or did and I'll have absolutely no memory of it.
I've been drinking since I was a teenager, and it's almost always binge drinking. I used to at least be capable of drinking in moderation once in awhile, and sometimes I still can manage to drink only 1-2 drinks in a night. But that's so rare now, I can't hope for it anymore. I know I have a major problem. I just can't drink anymore. Period.
I cannot even fathom how much strength this is going to take. I spent a lot of time today crying about it. I am absolutely TERRIFIED. But I feel good about it. Strong. I'm reclaiming myself, my mind, my body, my life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: California
Posts: 17
It sounds like you and I are in nearly the same boat today.
I'm tired, too.
I wish us both the best in our new and much improved lives.
And Clementina, just think of all the money we're going to save!
I'm tired, too.
I wish us both the best in our new and much improved lives.
And Clementina, just think of all the money we're going to save!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Welcome, and great decision.
Do you plan to have medical help? It can be dangerous to try to quit cold turkey.
I did it, but I don't know how much you have been drinking.
Either way, be prepared to sleep a lot and feel pretty awful for a few days.
We are here 24/7, so if you need to talk.
Do you plan to have medical help? It can be dangerous to try to quit cold turkey.
I did it, but I don't know how much you have been drinking.
Either way, be prepared to sleep a lot and feel pretty awful for a few days.
We are here 24/7, so if you need to talk.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome! 
All of us who are sober started with day one. The first few days can be rough but it gets better gradually. I hope the awesome support here can help you stop drinking for good. 
All of us who are sober started with day one. The first few days can be rough but it gets better gradually. I hope the awesome support here can help you stop drinking for good. 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by Clementina 
Hi everyone, I'm 31 years old and today is day one of my new, sober life. My drinking problem is bingeing. I don't drink every day (but I do almost every day.) Once I have a drink, it's like something goes off in my head and my mind/body wants more, more, more, MORE. I call it the beer monster. But it's really just a drinking problem. Once I have one, I can't stop. People have told me that I could always just limit my drinking to a 2-3 drinks maximum. I've tried that. It just doesn't work. I used to be able to, but I can't anymore. I am accepting now that I just can't control it. If I have one drink, I'm going to have 6 or more. The loss of control is getting worse too. I blacked out again last night. I woke up on my friend's couch with no idea what the **** happened. Again. It's been happening more and more often this past year, and over the past few years. I never used to black out, and now I can lose hours upon hours of the night. Is this part of the progression of alcoholism? Is it a sign of brain damage? Sometimes, it's so bad that people will remind me of things I said or did and I'll have absolutely no memory of it. I've been drinking since I was a teenager, and it's almost always binge drinking. I used to at least be capable of drinking in moderation once in awhile, and sometimes I still can manage to drink only 1-2 drinks in a night. But that's so rare now, I can't hope for it anymore. I know I have a major problem. I just can't drink anymore. Period. I cannot even fathom how much strength this is going to take. I spent a lot of time today crying about it. I am absolutely TERRIFIED. But I feel good about it. Strong. I'm reclaiming myself, my mind, my body, my life.
:-)
Sent from my iPhone using SoberRecovery
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
Hi and welcome Clementina
when I quit, the enormity of the task spooked me...forever loomed like a vertical mountain in front of me...
the thing is, you don't need to vault over the mountain in one leap.
All any of us can do is live our lives, and run our recovery, one day at a time.
For me, committing to not drinking for 24 hours was a lot more achievable than forever.
As I went on, racking up days, I realised I was doing 'forever' anyway...but first things first
Why not join our 24 hour Recovery Connection thread? It's a great, fun, way to make that daily commitment
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-5-a-15.html
why not join our Class of July support thread as well?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-2014-a-9.html
D
when I quit, the enormity of the task spooked me...forever loomed like a vertical mountain in front of me...
the thing is, you don't need to vault over the mountain in one leap.
All any of us can do is live our lives, and run our recovery, one day at a time.
For me, committing to not drinking for 24 hours was a lot more achievable than forever.
As I went on, racking up days, I realised I was doing 'forever' anyway...but first things first
Why not join our 24 hour Recovery Connection thread? It's a great, fun, way to make that daily commitment
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-5-a-15.html
why not join our Class of July support thread as well?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-2014-a-9.html
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 164
Wow, I cannot believe how much support you have all just given me in such a short period of time! Thank you so much!!!! I can't even say how much I needed to hear such kind supportive words tonight.
There is another piece to my story that I forgot to mention. It gives me hope, and helps me know that I can do this cold turkey with no medical supervision. I have taken several long breaks from alcohol in the past year. The idea was to take a break, then slowly re-introduce alcohol so that I could learn moderation. I have never consciously decided to quit permanently until now, but in the past year I have taken I think 4 or 5 breaks, fully and 100% alcohol-free: 3 breaks that lasted about 6 weeks each, 2 or 3 that lasted about a month each, and then countless failed attempts to stop. I never thought I would quit for good though. I never thought I would need to. Maybe it was my mind/body/spirit/whatever testing the waters, or trying desperately to get free.
This is also part of why my blackouts have been increasing and my tolerance has dropped so much. When drink again after those breaks, of course I believe that I can finally drink in moderation. But I can't. I just can't. I binge as usual and I have to admit that I love it for about two hours---and then all of a sudden I'm waking up still a little drunk a few hours later or the next morning, looking for another beer and freaking out about what I might have said or done.
I'm not religious, but tonight I took a moment to thank God that I'm still alive. I could have killed myself on so many occasions. I cannot believe the amount of alcohol my body has processed in the past.
There is another piece to my story that I forgot to mention. It gives me hope, and helps me know that I can do this cold turkey with no medical supervision. I have taken several long breaks from alcohol in the past year. The idea was to take a break, then slowly re-introduce alcohol so that I could learn moderation. I have never consciously decided to quit permanently until now, but in the past year I have taken I think 4 or 5 breaks, fully and 100% alcohol-free: 3 breaks that lasted about 6 weeks each, 2 or 3 that lasted about a month each, and then countless failed attempts to stop. I never thought I would quit for good though. I never thought I would need to. Maybe it was my mind/body/spirit/whatever testing the waters, or trying desperately to get free.
This is also part of why my blackouts have been increasing and my tolerance has dropped so much. When drink again after those breaks, of course I believe that I can finally drink in moderation. But I can't. I just can't. I binge as usual and I have to admit that I love it for about two hours---and then all of a sudden I'm waking up still a little drunk a few hours later or the next morning, looking for another beer and freaking out about what I might have said or done.
I'm not religious, but tonight I took a moment to thank God that I'm still alive. I could have killed myself on so many occasions. I cannot believe the amount of alcohol my body has processed in the past.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Clementina, that's exactly how I tried to approach moderation too, only to find myself in more severe and frequent binges recently.
Small steps, small steps, focus on yourself first, you'll figure everything out in due time. Think about your triggers, read about HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired), make a plan. Best wishes!!!
Small steps, small steps, focus on yourself first, you'll figure everything out in due time. Think about your triggers, read about HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired), make a plan. Best wishes!!!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Hi and welcome, Clementina! I was also a binge drinker. Had been drinking that way since my late teens. Complete with the awful blackouts and not knowing what the heck happened. Like you, I tried countless times to moderate... I even joined Moderation Management for a few years. It never worked. And the blackouts just got worse over time. I too feel so lucky to be alive. I've done outrageous things while drunk... cooking, catching my hair on fire, leaving the front door open all night, etc!
Anyway... glad you are here. SR has been the best online support I've ever found. And it's just been a great source of inspiration as well. There are some really great folks here who understand and have been there. You're making a great decision to get sober!
Anyway... glad you are here. SR has been the best online support I've ever found. And it's just been a great source of inspiration as well. There are some really great folks here who understand and have been there. You're making a great decision to get sober!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 596
Welcome aboard. As a career binge drinker, in my experience moderation for someone like us is simply not possible. The only way our brains relate to alcohol is in massive quantities often consumed over a short period of time. Regular blackouts are the hallmark of binge drinking past the point of no return, I went through it too. Sounds like you have plenty of sober experience in the past year to build on, you just need to let go of the idea of ever being able to moderate. In some ways you will feel more free if you do... I have so far
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Your right Clem...your patterns do sound a lot like mine. Black outs happened to me so frequently I think (geezus) I actually became quite blase about them. If I was out on the town (as opposed to having a bottle of wine at home)...I doubt I could ever tell you how much I had to drink. Lots was about the only answer remotely close to recollection. It's ridiculous to realize that getting "wazoooed" really didn't strike me as a "problem".
One time, as this is something a friend and I actually chuckled about later. I was at some beachside patio with friends...drinking red wine...then martini's. Apparently I needed help getting out of the restaurant. It was actually a very nice restaurant and my stumbling and staggering caused quite an interruption to the diners. I guess they were all staring at the staggering drunk.
One of the gals in my crowd piped up...what are you all looking at? You should be ashamed of yourselves, she has MS for crying out loud!"
Ya....not funny.
I know that last year when I was much more terrified of being able to get and stay sober...I just stayed very much "in the moment". I just promised myself I would take it one "situation" at a time. I would face sobriety one situation at a time. It's all I could think...and really, it's all I could do. (And it's really all I still do) But it worked well...until I forgot that I was still very much the woman who has to be helped out of restaurants or parties or weddings or family reunions when she drinks.
One time, as this is something a friend and I actually chuckled about later. I was at some beachside patio with friends...drinking red wine...then martini's. Apparently I needed help getting out of the restaurant. It was actually a very nice restaurant and my stumbling and staggering caused quite an interruption to the diners. I guess they were all staring at the staggering drunk.
One of the gals in my crowd piped up...what are you all looking at? You should be ashamed of yourselves, she has MS for crying out loud!"
Ya....not funny.
I know that last year when I was much more terrified of being able to get and stay sober...I just stayed very much "in the moment". I just promised myself I would take it one "situation" at a time. I would face sobriety one situation at a time. It's all I could think...and really, it's all I could do. (And it's really all I still do) But it worked well...until I forgot that I was still very much the woman who has to be helped out of restaurants or parties or weddings or family reunions when she drinks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 164
Originally Posted by Nuudawn
Your right Clem...your patterns do sound a lot like mine. Black outs happened to me so frequently I think (geezus) I actually became quite blase about them.
Not the person I am, and not the person I want to be!
So grateful I get another chance to take a different path in life.
I'm excited to be a part of this forum! Day 2 is going to be amazing!
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