Lostinwildernes

Would you trade it all to be a normie again...?

Needabreak

Trade what, being a person with a dysfunctional relationship with an addict to being a normal person who is careful of dysfunctional attachments? I have already made this trade. I ended the relationship with him last year. For a while I got the occasional twang of codependency and longing (oh my God, I"m 50 and single!) but it's been a while since I had one of those, and I'm happier now than I've been in a long long time.

There's no law that says you have to stay locked into a bad relationship, no law that says you aren't allowed to be happy. It takes effort, but you can make the trade too.

FireSprite

Not an option for me, lol. I was born to an active alcoholic so "Normie" has never been in my cards from Day #1, sadly.

So instead, I choose to look at it like this: Perhaps dealing with this kind of dysfunction throughout my entire life has allowed me to develop greater empathy & humility than I would have otherwise. I choose to believe that my challenges can be converted into stengths.

NWGRITS

I'm just going to second this. When you're raised in an alcoholic home, being a normie just doesn't happen.

kudzujean

Well, I had no choice in the matter, being born into a family where my father was an active alcoholic.

But YES, YES, YES, I would just love to be a "Normie." If I could live my life again with a healthier family, I'd do it in a minute.

Needabreak

I think it's possible. It takes a long time and a lot of work, but this is what recovery is all about. Having an alcoholic family of origin definitely leaves scars, but I don't think it disqualifies one from happiness and serenity and healthy relationships, for ever and ever. At some point you have to own your stuff......

NWGRITS

We aren't saying that being normal isn't possible, but the question was about going back. For many of us, the only thing to go back to is dysfunction. Absolutely, we can find healing and strength in healthy relationships. We just never knew what they looked like from the start.

ladyscribbler

Ditto FS, Grits and Jean. I was born into an alcoholic/Codie household. Dysfunction was pretty much my destiny until I took charge of my life and started healing myself.
Started a meditation practice after taking a mindfulness class at the VA last week. Thinking of going to a free reiki session on Monday. The reiki center in town is doing a class and free session for anyone who is interested. Have heard good things about it from others here at SR, so I'll give it a whirl.
I am grateful for these opportunities to grow and recover. No point wasting my time wishing I'd been born into a different family. It's what I do now that really matters.

Bullfrog

I grew up as a child of two ACOAs so I was TOLD that we were normies, even while feeling like we weren't. Even with much work, I don't know that I'll ever be a true normie, though I daydream of it.

But maybe because I left and I'm working Al Anon and committed to getting healthy, perhaps my kids will be normies. And it will be worth all the pain and work to end the generational dysfunctional mess.

Hawkeye13

Me too--two alcoholic parents as well other tasty psycho "toppings" from both parents as if drinking were not enough.

But they divorced very very early so at least I didn't have to face them both at once.

Always a silver lining I say. . .

Anyway, wouldn't trade at this point even though I don't know what normal is since
I've really learned a lot about empathy and compassion from all this horror.

So I think of it as an accelerated course in becoming a better human

BoxinRotz

I guess I've been a normie but I've learned so much and in some aspects, gained so much because of my past relationships that I'd never, ever trade! All the years of hell for a so called normal life. I simply would not have my children, my husband, my dogs, my home if I traded it all in. No thanks... I love my effed up life to much. This life is mine and it's given me an outrageous outlook on how to roll with the punches and adds to my character like no one's business. I have to say, I love my life and where I am in it. I feel like I'm right where I need to be.

No regrets here, shacking up and being married a pill head for 12 years and having my only daughter and then divorcing him and marrying an alcoholic. Life is pretty damn interesting if I do say so myself. I bet being a normie is pretty damn boring... lol

Stung

Yeah, the only thing I can go back to is denial and ignorance.

I was raised by an NPD ACOA and I married an ACOA that turned into an alcoholic himself. My kids will be ACOA simply by association. All I can hope for is that I keep my eye on the prize and continue to grow emotionally so that I can cultivate the tools necessary to provide a happier and healthier home for my children than I or my husband were raised in.

Besides, what is normal anyway? Everyone has problems. I'm surprised at how many people I've met at alanon who don't have alcoholic husbands as their qualifiers.

kudzujean

True. Let me be more specific about what it means to me.

I would rather have grown up in a famiy--

where there was not a problem such as, in my case, parental alcoholism.

where I received attention and affection.

where I was treated as if I was important.

where I was treated as if my needs were important, and were not just an inconvenience to someone else.

where I felt loved and wanted.

where I was allowed to feel my feelings.

where I wasn't treated as if I was just a burden.

....

Well, I could go on, but for now, I won't. Maybe I'll make an OP of this sometimes.

lillamy

My alcoholic marriage gave me my children. I can't even think of life without them, so no, I wouldn't trade it.

If I could have had them without the abuse -- absolutely. Yes, I'm grateful for what Al-Anon and SR and recovery has taught me; I'm grateful that living with an abusive A has made me a less judgmental and more understanding person; I'm grateful that recovery has taught me to love myself better and that setting boundaries is not just allowed but health.

But like so many others, I'm not sure I had an option. The alcoholics in my FOO were three generations back -- great grandfathers -- but the codependent behaviors were handed down like heirlooms. So while alcoholism was not a real live part of my childhood (other than my aunt & uncle next door), the family disease still was. I hope that my children will be the ones to break the generational curse.

atalose

I'm thinking that there never was "normie" otherwise I would never have gotten involved with an addict in the first place, recovering or not. And then I certainly would have never stayed after the next red flag flew.

FireSprite

Amen. The more "recovered" I get the more I see that so-called Normies really are much rarer than we would expect. Between various addictions (alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling) and mental illnesses & generation after generation of families enabling & secret keeping, I don't think "normal" is NORMAL anymore.

I've posted about this before - in a way I think owning our "labels" sets us free:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...verywhere.html

I got some great responses in that thread & go back & read it now & again when I need a reality check, lol.

firebolt

Naw - we're all going to come out quite the amazing people on the other side of this - if we haven't already.

For a while, I thought, I wanted to go back to before, knowing nothing about alcoholism and codependency, and the hell they wreak on families and lives. Not so anymore, the small lessons i've learned through this are priceless. Plus, I'd have never found myself here - with you all.

Stung

What I'm coming face to face with is the fact that "normies" on this side of the board are like unicorns. My husband calls me a normie because I can control my alcohol consumption. In that case, yes, I am a normie. I met a woman this weekend who has a teenage daughter who is a sex addict. She called me a normie because I know nothing about sex addictions. But what is normal on this side of the board? Someone who just doesn't form unhealthy attachments to an alcoholic? People who don't have children who are alcoholics? People who don't know alcoholics? People with good, loving and nurturing childhood homes? That doesn't mean they don't have other serious problems in their lives.

Like your post you shared the link to, FireSprite, I'm grateful that I can now identify my own problems and work on them. I think THAT is normal.

kudzujean

That may be so, but being from a loving and nurturing home, it's probable that they would have better coping skills to deal with these other problems than someone from a severely dysfunctional family.

mfanch

Not in a millions years.

Maybe my family and I are one of the success stories. At the last Thanksgiving dinner there was (and years sober either in AA or alanon):

Me (5 years)
Stepdad (20 years)
Dad (32 years)
Brother (5 years)
Husband (3 years)
Mom (5 years)

My hubs and mother are not quite to the point of "addiction is the best thing that ever happened to me", but the rest of us are. We found a design for living that really works and a true and happy purpose in life. Wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING.