goodstitch

My abf and I broke up two days ago. He's been sober for 2 months with the help of an injection I don't recall the name of. He's been doing so well and we've been having such a great time, but after 4 years of the ups and downs, being in and out of a relationship with him, and the holding pattern that I've been in I decided to finally ask where he sees us. I know that recovery is number one, and even though I had hoped that he would say he saw me with him in the future, I knew that the possibility of us breaking up was real. And so it stands. He got very cold during the discussion and because of his stance I couldn't be very articulate. He put up walls so quickly.


Anyway, I'm happy to be in a foreign location while I'm licking my wounds. It occurs to me that I had reached a point where I wanted something for me. I hadn't realized how much I had put into waiting for him to get better. I wanted the dream The evening we broke up I wanted him to treasure me, but he can't. I know I need to treasure myself, but sometimes I don't know what that means.

Right now I'm fighting the "What if I did this?" or "Why didn't I say that?"
Can some of you please share how you learned to put yourselves at the top of the list and how you changed your behaviors when you felt triggers from unhealthy people around you. I would greatly appreciate it!

Hugs to all.

lillamy

Well... for me, one of the turnabouts was when I had signed up for (and paid for) evening classes to further my career... and realized that there was no way in hell I could leave the children alone with AXH for two nights a week. They would simply not be safe with him. I had to call the admissions office and cry and explain and beg for my money back. It was humiliating. And all I wanted was to do something for myself -- that would benefit the family. That was one of the last nails in the coffin.

I think I started putting myself first before I left him. Or at least started realizing that I needed to. Honestly, I still struggle with it -- mostly because when I left, I was also left with the entire responsibility for the children's mental and emotional health. It was hard, and I felt responsible for having chosen an A for a father for them, and for then breaking up the family.

I realized after a while that me giving up everything and sacrificing every moment of my waking time for them was no healthier than doing it for their father. I realized they needed to see me make myself a priority, or they would carry with them the disease of codependency into their adult relationships. I guess it was a codependent thing to do, to try to save them from codependency by showing them it's important to prioritize yourself?

I also found it hard because I had spent so much time prioritizing everything BUT myself that I honestly didn't know what to do. When the kids were at his house for the weekend, I didn't know what to do with myself. I had to rediscover what I liked, what I didn't like; I had to try out the stuff I used to like to see if I still did. It was a process, but I more and more approached it as an adventure -- like "There's SO much stuff out there I could be doing -- I could just try EVERYTHING!!!"

You will find your way. You're doing the hardest part right now.

goodstitch

Thank you lillamy. I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me. I think I've been preparing too, knowing that his recovery has to be his main focus. We have broken up before but usually he had still been drinking.
Like you, I got to the point where I finally wanted something for me. I've been making him and his sobriety my priority because I wanted him so much. I admitted to myself that I want and deserve a partner that can look to the future and do everything he can to make sure I'm in it.
I had been mentioning doing fun things this summer but the plans I had hoped to make weren't getting the attention I needed him to give them. I was watching friend after friend make their summer travel plans while I was just on stand-by. I couldn't take it so I bought a ticket and I'm so glad I did. Had I stayed in town I'd be miserable and resentful. Not healthy at all.
I plan on working on my spirituality and self actualization. I see something creative in my future. There is SO much stuff out there, isn't there?
Good for you for doing the best thing for yourself and for your children. They DO need to see you prioritizing yourself. It's a win-win!
Hugs!

suncatcher

It takes time but I think we can start by trading in some of our old destructive patterns for new healthy patterns. I used to drive an hour to go visit axbf and sit in his garage with him and watch him drink. Tonight I took an hour long walk while listening to upbeat music on my ipod. Just doing little things for ourselves each day can make a huge difference.