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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: north of Boston
Posts: 130
I'm new here
Hi, I'm new here. I am trying hard to stop drinking and have a problem. I don't think my husband wants me to quit. He says he will support me, but last night he poured me a drink without me asking him to. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I poured it back into his drink, but I feel so sad now. Maybe I'm making too much of it, but it seems like he doesn't want to lose his drinking buddy. Now I'm thinking his drinking is more important to him. 
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 38
Oh, geez.......I know EXACTLY how this is! My husband informed when when I told him that I was going to quit drinking, that *I* could do whatever, but HIS lifestyle was not going to change in the least. NICE.
Last night, even though I specifically BEGGED him not to bring beer home if he is going to drink (I only drink beer, so this would be my only temptation), he did it anyway. Then got all pissy at ME because I went into another room to read, instead of staying out in the living room to watch him drink it.
It is so fustrating and depressing to know that I have no support whatsoever from him. That I can not only NOT turn to him when I'm feeling weak, but he is the one that will be tempting me. Is that love? is that marriage?
I may be overanalyzing all this and maybe he HAS no hidden agenda to his attitude, but I can't help to think that maybe 1) he is threatened because he knows HE needs to cut down or stop drinking and me actually doing this is a reminder to this 2) he is afraid that if I become a stronger person, one that has the confidence that comes from overcoming something like this and finding who she really is, I will no longer be under his thumb like I am now (for now, I feel I must put up with his ******** and be grateful because HE puts up with my alcoholism) and 3) he is threatened that I may develop either my independence from him or relationships (with other recovering alcoholics) that don't include him. My husband is generally a nice guy, but he is very petty, selfish and controlling.
Anyway.....welcome
. I know it sucks, but at least WE can relate to what you are feeling and will be here to listen and commiserate (and support, of course 
).
I'm going on day six of sobriety, btw
.
Last night, even though I specifically BEGGED him not to bring beer home if he is going to drink (I only drink beer, so this would be my only temptation), he did it anyway. Then got all pissy at ME because I went into another room to read, instead of staying out in the living room to watch him drink it.
It is so fustrating and depressing to know that I have no support whatsoever from him. That I can not only NOT turn to him when I'm feeling weak, but he is the one that will be tempting me. Is that love? is that marriage?
I may be overanalyzing all this and maybe he HAS no hidden agenda to his attitude, but I can't help to think that maybe 1) he is threatened because he knows HE needs to cut down or stop drinking and me actually doing this is a reminder to this 2) he is afraid that if I become a stronger person, one that has the confidence that comes from overcoming something like this and finding who she really is, I will no longer be under his thumb like I am now (for now, I feel I must put up with his ******** and be grateful because HE puts up with my alcoholism) and 3) he is threatened that I may develop either my independence from him or relationships (with other recovering alcoholics) that don't include him. My husband is generally a nice guy, but he is very petty, selfish and controlling.
Anyway.....welcome
. I know it sucks, but at least WE can relate to what you are feeling and will be here to listen and commiserate (and support, of course ).I'm going on day six of sobriety, btw
.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Hi Kit and welcome!
It sure doesn't make it easy when you don't have that support, but it makes you stronger in the end. So stick with your plan, take it slow, you are only accountable to you. Hubby will have to work out his issue with drinking on his own for now.
I think vegancat pretty much got it right... but we're all here for you! Your doing the right thing, don't doubt it for one sec!
It sure doesn't make it easy when you don't have that support, but it makes you stronger in the end. So stick with your plan, take it slow, you are only accountable to you. Hubby will have to work out his issue with drinking on his own for now.
I think vegancat pretty much got it right... but we're all here for you! Your doing the right thing, don't doubt it for one sec!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: north of Boston
Posts: 130
Thanks vegancat. One thing my husband keeps telling me is that I don't have an alcohol problem. He says he'll support me in whatever I do, but that I really don't have a problem. I know I do. I think about alcohol all the time. He is the kind of drinker that can drink more than anybody I know and not show much of a change. He doesn't act much different except that it seems to make him relax. He never has a hangover either. Well, I'm not like him. I think that being married to him has helped make my drinking a problem because he drinks every night. When I see a drink, I want to drink. Believe me, I know my drinking is nobody's problem but mine. Maybe when he starts drinking, I'll visit this website and hope it helps to give me the strength I need to be able to sit near him while smelling his cocktail.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 38
My husband also doesn't think I have a "problem". Tht's why he doesn't take me seriously right now. It's just another hairbrained idea I have, like being a vegetarian or democrat (whatever I believe in that HE doesn't is "stupid")Whatever. Like you, I KNOW I do....I, too, think about drinking all the time. Just because I kept it mainly to the evenings and just to beer doesn't mean it was OK (because, inside, I kNEW that I was dangerously hooked).
You said, about your husband, "He is the kind of drinker that can drink more than anybody I know and not show much of a change. He doesn't act much different except that it seems to make him relax.". I'm like that, too....AND no hangovers. But, from what I'm reading as I explore alcoholism is that this is actually a sign that my tolerance has become very high, which is a bad thing. I always thought it meant that I was in CONTROL and *didn't* have a problem....I mean, if I could down a six pack and still talk normally on the phone to my mom, then I *must be* OK. Nope. I'm not saying your hubby has a problem....maybe he doesn't have what I have inside me that makes me drink (I'm missing that ability to STOP and I drink to escape). I just thought the tolerance thing was interesting
.
Anyway, I started drinking more when iIgot married, too, because my husband drinks a lot. There was NO way I was gonna let HIM have all the fun, lol.
You said, about your husband, "He is the kind of drinker that can drink more than anybody I know and not show much of a change. He doesn't act much different except that it seems to make him relax.". I'm like that, too....AND no hangovers. But, from what I'm reading as I explore alcoholism is that this is actually a sign that my tolerance has become very high, which is a bad thing. I always thought it meant that I was in CONTROL and *didn't* have a problem....I mean, if I could down a six pack and still talk normally on the phone to my mom, then I *must be* OK. Nope. I'm not saying your hubby has a problem....maybe he doesn't have what I have inside me that makes me drink (I'm missing that ability to STOP and I drink to escape). I just thought the tolerance thing was interesting
.Anyway, I started drinking more when iIgot married, too, because my husband drinks a lot. There was NO way I was gonna let HIM have all the fun, lol.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: New York City N.Y.
Posts: 29
active alcoholics, or rsponsible social drikers also don't understand the problem we have. i'm not saying they are, or aren't being supportive here but, we are the ones that have to change, and only us! we can't expect the world to change with us, no matter how small a part of it we have. only we can change, and only we can change us! i found that i could only get real support from another recovering alcoholic. even my closet family members couldn't give me support because they just didn't understand. and alcoholism runs deep in my family, many of the males die young. you would think they get it by now but they don't?
as many here can tell you, no one could get us sober except us? so why would we think that because we want to stop that we could make others, or even that others should stop for us?
not having support on the home front is tough, believe me i know this, i'm living through it, but as soon as i accepted this and just did what i had to do to stay sober, i was better off. i had tolearn to accept otherrs and love them as they are, or leave them and step over the bodies, it was truly all about me and my being sober!
good luck, and when the hubby's want to drink thats their stuff, in sobriety we have choices and outlets, if my other should come home with alcohol and proceed to drink i can always go to another room and call my sponsor or another drunk, or i could choose to leave and go to a meeting. i could also call on our brother/sister program alanon, because i do qualify for both!
for me, being a power of example instead of waiting or hoping for another to change was the key to me being and staying sober, one of the keys i should say, there are many!
as many here can tell you, no one could get us sober except us? so why would we think that because we want to stop that we could make others, or even that others should stop for us?
not having support on the home front is tough, believe me i know this, i'm living through it, but as soon as i accepted this and just did what i had to do to stay sober, i was better off. i had tolearn to accept otherrs and love them as they are, or leave them and step over the bodies, it was truly all about me and my being sober!
good luck, and when the hubby's want to drink thats their stuff, in sobriety we have choices and outlets, if my other should come home with alcohol and proceed to drink i can always go to another room and call my sponsor or another drunk, or i could choose to leave and go to a meeting. i could also call on our brother/sister program alanon, because i do qualify for both!
for me, being a power of example instead of waiting or hoping for another to change was the key to me being and staying sober, one of the keys i should say, there are many!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Illinois
Posts: 51
I can identify completely. I drank heavily in the early years of my marriage, and very gradually brought it under control. Now I still slip every few weeks, having a glass or two of wine -- often at the encouragement of my wife, who misses those nice romantic evenings when we shared a bottle of wine and a nice meal. She feels lonely, then I feel lonely, and then my addictive voice persuades me to join her, and there you go...
To complicate matters, she's an ACOA, which means she's probably in denial over how serious my drinking was/is. She'll now acknowledge that, if someone had seen me thirty years ago, they would have agreed that I had a problem (i.e., I was an alcoholic). But she can't admit to herself that this is a life-long struggle for me, which it is.
The advice people have given you here is great -- you're the one who knows, deep down, the nature of your problem. Listen to your heart, act accordingly, and your husband will eventually understand. Either way, you'll be stronger, and healthier (mentally and physically) for it.
To complicate matters, she's an ACOA, which means she's probably in denial over how serious my drinking was/is. She'll now acknowledge that, if someone had seen me thirty years ago, they would have agreed that I had a problem (i.e., I was an alcoholic). But she can't admit to herself that this is a life-long struggle for me, which it is.
The advice people have given you here is great -- you're the one who knows, deep down, the nature of your problem. Listen to your heart, act accordingly, and your husband will eventually understand. Either way, you'll be stronger, and healthier (mentally and physically) for it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: mass
Posts: 1,356
You may very well be right. He is so used to you drinking with him. No one really likes change. Just continue to remind him you really want a sober life. Ask him with his support you need his help in understanding as well. Let him know it is not an easy thing to do so you need all the support and strngth you can get. It will be very difficult to quit when your hubby drinks too. You will need lots of help to build stegngth in this matter. Plug into as many support systems and groups you can. Every little bit helps. I am in my third year and do recovery stuff now then I did when I first came in because it works so well for me. You are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 375
Hi Kit, Welcome to SR.
When I set about going sober it was clear that my wife would carry on drinking and there would always be an open bottle of wine as before.
I don't believe I have the right to ask anyone else to change their habits to help me with my problem. My problem, my solution.
I figured that temptation was always going to be there so I may as well live with it from day 1.
I take Vegancat's point - were the roles reversed, I would certainly help my significant other out by changing my habits should she need it. But after what I put my family through as a drinker - I have no rights left to any consideration at all.
Of course I wish, and long to be with someone who understands and cares about my struggle enough to want to help - and I'm sure that will be the case one day.
Deg.
When I set about going sober it was clear that my wife would carry on drinking and there would always be an open bottle of wine as before.
I don't believe I have the right to ask anyone else to change their habits to help me with my problem. My problem, my solution.
I figured that temptation was always going to be there so I may as well live with it from day 1.
I take Vegancat's point - were the roles reversed, I would certainly help my significant other out by changing my habits should she need it. But after what I put my family through as a drinker - I have no rights left to any consideration at all.
Of course I wish, and long to be with someone who understands and cares about my struggle enough to want to help - and I'm sure that will be the case one day.
Deg.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: north of Boston
Posts: 130
Thanks everyone for responding!
Stoic, your wife was/is in denial about how serious your drinking problem was. Ironically, my husband was very aware of how serious my drinking problem was, but thinks it isn't anymore. You see, I know I always had a drinking problem, but never thought that I was out of control. Two years ago, my oldest daughter had a tragic experience. I had such difficulty dealing with the situation, I became depressed and obsessed with her and her well being. My doctor prescribed Paxil and it helped a lot. HOWEVER, it had a very unusual side affect in that it made my drinking habit crazy and out of control. I craved alcohol all the time and couldn't drink enough. My behavior, while drunk, was outrageous and I could never remember the things I did. This was when my husband knew my problem was a biggy. Everyone knew and I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. To make a long story short, I figured out it was the Paxil. I stopped taking the Paxil and stopped drinking for 3 months. I decided to experiment with drinking again and found I could drink in a controlled manner (not until I passed out) and not exhibit the bad behaviours. THIS is why my husband thinks I don't have a problem anymore. I KNOW I do because I crave the damn stuff every night. Just because I don't act like an idiot, doesn't mean I don't have a problem. Also, since I stopped the Paxil, for whatever reason, when I drink I now get these horrific anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. So anyway I know I just need to stay away from the stuff. I guess I can understand my husband's way of thinking, but quite honestly, I think he is an alcoholic too and as I said before - he doesn't want to lose his drinking buddy.
Bubblez, Chy, Blue eyes, and Deg, thank you ao much for your thoughts and prayers. This site has helped me so much already. Last night when I had the big urge I came downstairs and just read the postings for an hour. I didn't drink and feel so glad about that. I can see the people who take the time to be involved with SR are a strong force. I can see this will be my ray of light.
Love, K. :8a:
Stoic, your wife was/is in denial about how serious your drinking problem was. Ironically, my husband was very aware of how serious my drinking problem was, but thinks it isn't anymore. You see, I know I always had a drinking problem, but never thought that I was out of control. Two years ago, my oldest daughter had a tragic experience. I had such difficulty dealing with the situation, I became depressed and obsessed with her and her well being. My doctor prescribed Paxil and it helped a lot. HOWEVER, it had a very unusual side affect in that it made my drinking habit crazy and out of control. I craved alcohol all the time and couldn't drink enough. My behavior, while drunk, was outrageous and I could never remember the things I did. This was when my husband knew my problem was a biggy. Everyone knew and I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. To make a long story short, I figured out it was the Paxil. I stopped taking the Paxil and stopped drinking for 3 months. I decided to experiment with drinking again and found I could drink in a controlled manner (not until I passed out) and not exhibit the bad behaviours. THIS is why my husband thinks I don't have a problem anymore. I KNOW I do because I crave the damn stuff every night. Just because I don't act like an idiot, doesn't mean I don't have a problem. Also, since I stopped the Paxil, for whatever reason, when I drink I now get these horrific anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. So anyway I know I just need to stay away from the stuff. I guess I can understand my husband's way of thinking, but quite honestly, I think he is an alcoholic too and as I said before - he doesn't want to lose his drinking buddy.
Bubblez, Chy, Blue eyes, and Deg, thank you ao much for your thoughts and prayers. This site has helped me so much already. Last night when I had the big urge I came downstairs and just read the postings for an hour. I didn't drink and feel so glad about that. I can see the people who take the time to be involved with SR are a strong force. I can see this will be my ray of light.
Love, K. :8a:
For there ain't nothin' that you can't make right with a ray of light. James Nihan
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Illinois
Posts: 51
You and I have still more in common than I'd thought, Kit. I mentioned that over the years I gradually brought this thing under control, so that now I rarely drink, and when I do, it's only a couple of glasses of wine. And this leads to precisely the situation you describe -- i.e., my wife sees little change in my behavior other than a slightly more cheerful mood and a bit more affection. But in fact, what's going on in my mind is far more troubling. I usually become slightly depressed later in the evening, and then wake up -- usually between two and three am -- with a terrible anxiety attack (I suffered these attacks during the day when I was drinking more heavily). And all the next day I'm jittery, tired, irritable -- and I also know that I want another drink that evening, and the next, and then more and more as the weeks wear on.
This is why I have to stop drinking altogether. But it's very difficult to explain this to someone who doesn't share the same problem. When my wife asks "Why are you so different? You don't get drink too much, etc.," my only answer is, "I have no idea why I'm so different. But I'm sure I am. And I can only deal with this by not drinking at all."
Does this sound familiar?
This is why I have to stop drinking altogether. But it's very difficult to explain this to someone who doesn't share the same problem. When my wife asks "Why are you so different? You don't get drink too much, etc.," my only answer is, "I have no idea why I'm so different. But I'm sure I am. And I can only deal with this by not drinking at all."
Does this sound familiar?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 375
Hi Kit,
You still can be his drinking buddy. just choose a different drink. Sounds bizarre but I keep blackcurrent juice in a wine bottle and pour that out for me and wine out for Sarah. I drink it from a wineglass too. OK so it's not normal behaviour and I'm not suggesting my methods to anyone (I don't think I'm normal), but I did it that way to keep her company, and not make HER feel bad about drinking. That helps me.
In the summer there's nothing nicer than iced tea drunk straight from the Stella bottle. And it saves explaining why I'm not drinking to the nosey barbecue guest - and I find that much harder than saying no to a drink.
The *big urge* will be there for a while - resist it and you win, give in to it - and the drink has won. Being sober is as simple a process as that. Easy to say, I know.
Keep at it - it's so good when you've made it.
Deg.
You still can be his drinking buddy. just choose a different drink. Sounds bizarre but I keep blackcurrent juice in a wine bottle and pour that out for me and wine out for Sarah. I drink it from a wineglass too. OK so it's not normal behaviour and I'm not suggesting my methods to anyone (I don't think I'm normal), but I did it that way to keep her company, and not make HER feel bad about drinking. That helps me.
In the summer there's nothing nicer than iced tea drunk straight from the Stella bottle. And it saves explaining why I'm not drinking to the nosey barbecue guest - and I find that much harder than saying no to a drink.
The *big urge* will be there for a while - resist it and you win, give in to it - and the drink has won. Being sober is as simple a process as that. Easy to say, I know.
Keep at it - it's so good when you've made it.
Deg.
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