Nuudawn

I just figured something out. The other day someone posted a thread about how time on SR makes her think about drinking. I just realized what SR actually does. It reminds me of my problem. And ya see...I NEED reminding. I forget my all out PROBLEM with alcohol...A LOT. I get some sober time under my belt and I get to thinking...it's not that big a deal. You see I have never reached the point (yet) of pouring a glass of merlot in my coffee cup to face the day. I don't go into the DT's when I give up. I don't black out each and every time I drank (but given the time and alcohol on any occasion I just as easily could have).

I don't like to define myself as "alcoholic" for a variety of reasons but one is simply because alcohol is not my only addiction...it's not the only way I run away. Alcohol was not in fact my "problem" it was p*ss poor solution to everything I didn't know how to handle which as more time passes appears to be the simple business of life and my general unease and confusion with it.

When I come on SR and pretty much RELATE with everything everybody says, it's kind of hard to deny my alcohol problem. It keeps me connected. It reminds me that "yes it IS that bad!" And the beauty (and sometimes problem lol) is that I can remind myself of that 24/7.

And this is no easy thing to accept for a variety of reasons. A couple days ago I was hovering around jewelry stores looking at possible "sobriety" rings to celebrate my commitment to sobriety. I see this as an entirely positive and wonderful thing...joyous in fact.

Now the salesperson was really digging to find out how she could meet my needs (read: make the sale). I had told her it was just something deeply personal I wanted for myself. Eventually, I felt no shame and thought..why not tell her? No big deal. So I told her it was actually a sobriety ring.

Oh my gosh..the visible discomfort in this woman was hard to take. She had no idea what to say other than a very uncomfortable "good for you". She actually pulled her body away from me. Suddenly, we weren't "sistas" looking at blingey rings, giggling and coveting diamonds together. I was set apart. I was an object of pity. I was different. She was no longer comfortable at all in the interaction. The co-dependent in me actually started to feel bad for her discomfort. I felt bad for saying anything. I didn't feel bad for me. I felt bad for her!

I guess I should have kept it to myself but in truth, I am glad I came face to face with what we do in fact face in being sober cuz sometimes I forget that too...that people don't understand that choosing to live life without alcohol is an incredibly cool and honourable thing and not something to be pitied.

I am suddenly reminded of the Elephant Man line..."I am not an animal!!!".

Ah well..I soldier on. The more and more I think about it...I'm thinking tattoo anyways. Ya see the ring would have to go on the commitment finger for it to make sense for me..and well, that MIGHT be needed some other time.

Here at SR, I am not different. People don't step away in discomfort. That's an incredibly wonderful thing.

Wishing you all another 24.

Croissant

Firstly...wow at that woman's discomfort.

Secondly...my second wow was...your thoughts on a sobriety ring recently had gotten me to thinking about getting myself some kind of jewellery as a token of mine.

So I picked out mine on the weekend. It's an elephant pendant. Long story...but when I just read your post, I was like, what....Elephants!

I love the Elephant Man movie...and have made the analogy before about how he ached to sleep just like a normal person, but he couldn't and that's what eventually killed him. Bit like how we fantasise about drinking normally...but it's not possible.

Anyway...some randomness.

And no, you aren't an animal.

You are a diamond!xx

jdooner

Your not an elephant or broken. Just a little kinked and in need some minor straightening, lol. Don't fool yourself, everyone has issues, some just choose not to deal with them. I bet that woman in the jewelry store probably has some of her own.

Have you read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, by Gabor Mate? He is a fellow Canadian in Vancouver. Mate notes that for many of us our disgust in Street people is because they represent that in ourselves that we are fearful and wish to turn a blind eye to. Herein lies the stigma with addiction. It's ignorance really.

The serenity prayer comes to mind and you are dealing with what you can change, which is you. BTW - you don't need a ring or a tattoo. Get it if it makes you feel good.

Nuudawn

Best book on addiction I have ever read JD..and I have read many. I actually ended up driving down Main & Hastings (which is pretty much the area he speaks of) shortly after I finished that book. I saw a kinship I had not before. I also saw people laughing and smiling near the community center there...it made me smile to know that in all that chaos and pain there is in fact, community.

And no, I didn't fool myself. Her reaction had everything to do with her...not me.

Cathryn2001

You had me with the title of this thread . . . anything involving diamonds . . . just sayin'.

Part of this post was difficult to read. I hate that the salesperson's reaction was what it was. I hate that she moved away, that the game suddenly changed.

BUT . . . words can't describe how much I appreciated your reaction. Yes, sobriety is incredibly cool and honorable. Sobriety isn't something to be pitied.

And I totally understand what you mean about SR. I tell my family that you all are "my people." This is my soft place to fall at the end of a workday. No one else gets us the way we understand each other. There are good people here--as you said, that's a wonderful thing.

P.S. Save that finger, sister. I have a sobriety necklace that's incredibly important to me. A tattoo is way fun, also.

Nuudawn

So cool you got an elephant!!!

PurpleKnight

I agree about SR, I would relapse all the time because my mind would convince me that I didn't really have a serious problem and all the consequences of my drinking conveniently would be forgotten, SR me gives a constant reminder of how destructive alcohol really is to counteract all the nonsense my mind tries to portray.

Nuudawn

Gee thanks JD.

360shoes

Hi Nuudawn,
My first reaction to that sales person was oh no, maybe she had someone in her life that hurt her and they never had the opportunity to even want a sobriety ring or she has lived under a rock and should thank her lucky stars she has no idea what that sober even means..or you threw her off her sales game. They probably don't teach that one in jewelry sales 101.

I think if it were me I would go out on a mission to see just how many people I had to shock till I found one that said good for you girl. Good for you.

Jeez, maybe a woman wants to buy something to remind herself she survived breast cancer or a bad relationship?

That poor woman needs help. Good job helping her with the lesson. Maybe she will be better next time for the next woman.

You are doing great Nuudawn! Don't feel shame. You are in the great company of people who feel very deeply and know compassion. That's a good thing.

jdooner

Reminded me of another great book, The Power of Now, Tolle. Both the ring and tattoo are tangential to your journey, IMO. My point is you have everything you need already, inside you. But if either will make you feel good then that is great. Neither are likely going to change your course though.

Perhaps the greater meaning of the jewelry is the reaction you had to this sales clerk. Maybe that was the real message?

I would like to meet Mate the next time I am in Vancouver and just say thanks. His booked helped me exactly when I needed it.

trachemys

People that fear sobriety could have their own problem.

Waterfalls2014

Nuudawn get all the diamonds and tattoos you want. You deserve it

Best wishes!

JaneLane

Wow, that was a rude sales person. I actually had a weird experience a few months ago in a jewelers. I took my engagement ring in to be resized (it's lots of different coloured stones) and the woman in the shop told me that it looked "pretty cheap" for an engagement ring. I obviously didn't get it resized there but that really upset me initially. I made a promise to myself at that point that I would hide nothing any longer whether it was a unique engagement ring or my sobriety.
Being sober is an achievement and it's something we should celebrate. You've taken a big step and it's definitely not something to be ashamed of!

Kris47

Don't know about the saleswoman, but I know about you. You are making it in spite of other people and other problems. Celebrate and Enjoy your sobriety and I hope to be with you every step of the way!

Hmmm, maybe I should get myself a ring and be proud of who I am.

I like the idea. Thanks!

hankfrank

Great post and terrific honest insights. Funny you mention a ring...I bought myself a nice ring to wear on my left finger (still married so far...) as a tribute to staying sober. This was after some ridiculous binge I had had and swore never enough. Well, the ring did nothing and I have had many more until most recently. I'm at the point where enough is enough. Maybe the ring will help now. But the point is don't trust in anything but yourself and a higher power. And I agree 100% I have fooled myself soooo many times "Yeah I'm cured". I guess there is no cure. It is PURE biology. Maybe I finally win this fight. We'll see.

Luper

I think the ring or some symbol is a really neat idea!

As far as the salesperson...who knows, but I'm sorry you had that kind of reaction from her. I have gotten that with some people regarding my mental illness issues. When they back away and get that look on their face, my response is always "don't worry, you can't catch it...I'm not contagious."

Keep on moving forward. I love reading your posts and you also inspire me with the things you share.

And by the way...The Elephant Man is one of my favorite movies

Soberpotamus

Catchy thread title, Nuu

Sorry you had that sort of reaction from the salesperson. But kudos to YOU for being strong enough within yourself to say what you were actually looking for That's commendable, I think.

Your post reminds me of something I've been reading in Mindfulness and the 12 Steps by Therese Jacobs-Stewart: It's from a chapter entitled Joining the Great We and in the section entitled Admitting Our Suffering, Opening to Community. She describes how many of us, when we first arrived (at abstinence, recovery, meetings, etc.), were "striving for perfection, hiding our real self from others, or putting on a false face" because this is how we'd survived, it was the default for us, but... it ultimately served to keep us separate and alone. Then, "but in the act of admitting our pain and suffering, we open up to a community. When we admit our failures, weaknesses, hurts, and needs, we find out we are not alone. A portal to connecting with others is opened." She ties this in with Buddhism and mindfulness philosophy that we are truly interconnected with all beings, all life forces. Because what I do affects you. What you do affects me. There's this ripple effect always. And to walk around believing we are alone is a delusion of sorts.

I see SR as what she means by the "Great We" The more we open up, be ourselves, and share honestly, the less we feel alone, and the more we affect and connect with others.

Thanks for sharing your story, Nuu. You inspire me! Glad to be here with you

Gonnachange

The reaction of the salesperson is HER problem, not yours. Keep on truckin' Nuudawn!

wpainterw

Nuudawn:

Welcome Home!

W.

BobArctor

I like it that the ring you were looking for was something personal. I have stayed away from outward expressions of commitment to sobriety, like some slogan on a bumper sticker, because I think of it as a facade. I had not even thought of the idea of wearing some symbol that only has meaning to me that represents commitment to sobriety.

About the salesperson's reaction, I have been surprised by how different people's impression of addiction is than mine. A person who was a catholic worker at a recovery home was saying to me that he doesn't understand how someone can continue to use drugs if they can see right in front of their face what the negative results are. Or, way back, the people who would say "just say no". By definition someone who is addicted has an involuntary relationship with what they are addicted to. I imagine that it would be very difficult to imagine what that is like without having experienced it. Even if you are dealing with a partner that is an addict, for example.

If you aren't aware of a severe addiction in yourself, imagining yourself going out of control would seem alien. I imagine you would then conclude that people with a severe addiction behave the way they do for some other reason. So, I'm not that surprised by the reaction of the saleslady.