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Feel so Alone and Crying

Old 07-06-2014, 12:21 AM
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Feel so Alone and Crying

My wife and I just got into a big argument. I guess the toll on her has been terrible and last week after getting drunk I said some terrible things. I think she is so hurt she can't even express any love towards me (she is protecting herself). Of course this makes me feel so bad because if anything LOVE is exactly what I need to get through this but her well is empty. I feel so bad. Can our marriage even last. She said she feels like I don't want to be with her but the fact is that my addictive self has wreaked havoc on my relationships. I feel so terrible. I regret so many things and I feel so alone. I hope it gets better. This is so painful...I see why people quit and go back to the bottle. It looks like we're going to marriage counseling I guess.
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Old 07-06-2014, 01:25 AM
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hankfrank - if she is not talking but expressed willingness to go to marriage counseling this is a great sign if saving your marriage is a priority for you right now. The hard reality is that maintaining addictions and addictive behaviors can be incredibly damaging for those around us, as they inevitable feed themselves first and take priority over others, always. Your wife is entitled to her feelings regarding your interactions.

Are you sober right now? What have you been doing to promote sobriety and improve your situation?

Hang in there. Drinking will just slam dunk the situation into the *******, for sure. Not a good place to go.

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Old 07-06-2014, 02:57 AM
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Originally Posted by LeTheVerte View Post
hankfrank - if she is not talking but expressed willingness to go to marriage counseling this is a great sign if saving your marriage is a priority for you right now. The hard reality is that maintaining addictions and addictive behaviors can be incredibly damaging for those around us, as they inevitable feed themselves first and take priority over others, always. Your wife is entitled to her feelings regarding your interactions.

Are you sober right now? What have you been doing to promote sobriety and improve your situation?

Hang in there. Drinking will just slam dunk the situation into the *******, for sure. Not a good place to go.

That looks like the priority to me. Marriage guidance doesn't work that well if you are the only one there.
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Old 07-06-2014, 03:08 AM
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You might be able to differentiate between your 'drunk self' and the 'real' you but one can't expect others too. It strikes me that the best thing you can do to help her (and your marriage) is to address the alcohol problem rather than the marital one (which appears to be a result of the alcohol to begin with).
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Old 07-06-2014, 03:57 AM
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I think it is time and your actions that count.
At the em of the day, there is only you that can get you through this. I am sure her love is helpful, supportive and comforting, but you have to do this on your own with your own tools and coping strategies.

Do you think it perhaps sounds a little selfish to say you cannot do this without her love?
That is a lot of responsibility to put on somebody who has probably deserved none of your bad behaviour.
I presume yo had her love when you started drinking to excess? Was her love that important then too?
She is allowed to say she has had enough and this goes beyond what she signed up for when she married you.

Forgiveness is on her timescale and not yours.
You cannot dictate how much support she should give you in this. She is not duty bound to support and encourage you either, especially if you have hurt her feelings, which it sounds like you have.
You have to give her time.
If you have been drinking for many years, she is not going to be okay after one conversation when you ask her to forgive you.

I have done it myself too.
Made all the promises that everything will change, everything will be different, but never followed it up with any actions to demonstrate I meant what I said.
Pleading, begging and crying will probably make things worse.

I know it is hard, but perhaps getting busy and being productive instead of wallowing in self pity, might take your mind off things for a while and give you both some space.

Could you go make your garden look great, do a job or chore that needs doing that will occupy you for a few hours? Why not go sort out a counsellor, show her you want to save your marriage? Is that all for her to sort out too? Have you thought about going to meetings? You get get busy finding a meeting that you might want to go to.

Going back to the bottle or drowning your sorrows in drink is going to infuriate her even more.

I wish you the best x
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Old 07-06-2014, 05:02 AM
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My sponsor told me, "The alcoholic views themselves through the eyes of there intentions. The world views them through the eyes of there actions."

My life and marriage were falling apart. Me saying, "I was sorry were meaningless words." She wanted to see action.

I detoxed, started IOP, went to AA, and most importantly stayed sober. Today she is in love with the man she knew I could be.
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Old 07-06-2014, 05:06 AM
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Hi. As stated above the bottom line is things may get better when we stop playing our games and put the plug in the jug. We need to stop the BSing period! Our first challenge is to become honest with ourselves about OUR own drinking and ACCEPT the fact, as we so often show, that we cannot drink in safety. This is a stumbling block for many because we are so undisciplined and mentally and emotionally crippled as a result of escaping with alcohol. This is not easy stuff to accept, however continued drinking will never get better, only worse.
There are healthy choices to make or we can suffer the pain until it’s all over and it will be.
Sorry I don’t use soft promises today, just the facts.

BE WELL
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Old 07-06-2014, 05:10 AM
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I used to think that the effects of alcohol were out of my system after a day or two. This is not true for frequent and heavy drinkers. The affects on brain chemistry last for several months after you quit. Stress, anxiety, irritability, depression, anger, etc. are all common side effects for a few months after quitting.

Your home troubles are certainly a real cause for emotion, but everything is amplified when your brain is drying out. Try to keep this in mind and don't overreact to things at the moment. Marriage counseling means there is an opportunity to fix things. Use it.

Best of Luck to You on this Journey.
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Old 07-06-2014, 06:43 AM
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Originally Posted by MIRecovery View Post
My sponsor told me, "The alcoholic views themselves through the eyes of there intentions. The world views them through the eyes of there actions."

My life and marriage were falling apart. Me saying, "I was sorry were meaningless words." She wanted to see action.

I detoxed, started IOP, went to AA, and most importantly stayed sober. Today she is in love with the man she knew I could be.
Pretty much sums it up right there! STAY sober and if at all possible get in a good 12 step program and work the steps, they will set you free. My wife goes to Alanon and it's changed our marriage as well!
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Old 07-06-2014, 06:48 AM
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Try to let this shame feeling aside. It's the worst enemy for us Alcoholics.

I was supposed to be with my son , 7 year old this weekend. I blew it and could not see him. I just left the phone trying to explain that daddy is sick. He was so sad.

So I understand how you feel. Just concentrate on recovery.
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Old 07-06-2014, 06:56 AM
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Marriage counseling is a sign of hope, and I know from experience how hard it is to not remember things that I said. When I went through it we did individual + couple counseling and personally I got a lot of benefit from the individual. If you can find someone that has experience with treating alcohol abuse as well as couples counseling, all the better.

Drinking gets in the way of everything, including healing yourself and healing your marriage, and I think healing has to happen in that order. I wish you the best, I know how painful what you are going though is.
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Old 07-06-2014, 07:51 AM
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thank you all so much! This is indeed hard and I already hear my AV trying to sabotage me (see I told you so...you can't win). I felt alone last night and went to bed feeling afraid but I did not drown my sorrows and today your kind were a huge wave of inspiration and I realized whether or not we save our marriage, I need to save myself. I still don't want to believe I can never pick up the bottle again but that's how it keeps fooling us isn't it? Can we truly never touch the stuff again? or as some people have said...just don't touch it today! One day at a time.
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Old 07-06-2014, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by hankfrank View Post
Of course this makes me feel so bad because if anything LOVE is exactly what I need to get through this but her well is empty. I feel so bad.

This is so painful...I see why people quit and go back to the bottle. It looks like we're going to marriage counseling I guess.
As others have said, the fact that your wife is willing to go to marriage counselling means she has not yet thrown in the towel.

You may think you need HER love to pull you through. Guess what? She needs yours. She needs you to love her and yourself enough to drop the bottle. Dig down deep Hankfrank...your love is the one that needs to show up here right now...not hers.

You see why people quit and go back to the bottle? Not one ounce of love in that sentence. All AV. AV does not speak the love language whatsoever.

Wishing you strength and hope friend. We are all here...one's fighting this same fight with you.
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Old 07-06-2014, 08:22 AM
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Originally Posted by hankfrank View Post
thank you all so much! This is indeed hard and I already hear my AV trying to sabotage me (see I told you so...you can't win). I felt alone last night and went to bed feeling afraid but I did not drown my sorrows and today your kind were a huge wave of inspiration and I realized whether or not we save our marriage, I need to save myself. I still don't want to believe I can never pick up the bottle again but that's how it keeps fooling us isn't it? Can we truly never touch the stuff again? or as some people have said...just don't touch it today! One day at a time.
It's true. I can never touch the stuff again.

I don't ever want to go back there ever again. So I'm not going to touch it. I've seen over and over where that leads. It leads to 30 minutes of feeling invincible and years of agony and misery.

Your mileage will not vary.
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Old 07-06-2014, 08:23 AM
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Glad you're feeling positive again today HF. In my experience that is the best time to plan how to be sober. Not to rain on your parade, but negative feelings will be back - next hour, tomorrow, next week, whenever - they will be back. That's a less great time to plan your sober life - when you're down. So...plan now for what you will do when that AV pounces on you when you're down.

Originally Posted by hankfrank View Post
Can we truly never touch the stuff again?
Get free from your addiction and you will realize that it's alcohol that will truly never touch you again.

You can do this.
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