Codependent and hopeless
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 7
Codependent and hopeless
I'm having a really difficult time with my alcoholic boyfriend right now. I thought he was planning on going to rehab, but I'm not seeing any progress, in fact he's regressing if anything. I can't do it any longer. I wrote something this morning I just really wanted to share with others who understand.
Dating an alcoholic is like making a deal with the devil. There are no benefits. The "good times" are just there to keep you hooked, waiting and yearning for it to all work out. Constantly hanging off a ledge with your hand reaching out for his, but it's never there. You can always count on him to be unavailable. You're signing up for every holiday or birthday to be completely ruined, every good moment or good time to be immediately followed by chaos and pain. It has to follow after hope, so the shock will be even more dramatic and devastating. You have to be sweet talked, buttered up, and promised the world so that you'll stick around long enough to be blindsided again. Yes, each time you're still just as shocked, even though you should know by now, the promises mean nothing. It's just a way to get you to hang on and wait on their every move, for that miracle, the golden moment that will never come.
Emotionally, he is a void. It's like spilling your heart out and opening yourself up to a black hole. Your feelings, needs, desires, your love is instantly incinerated. He will keep taking until you've drained yourself to the point of physical illness. You're afraid to go out, to have your own life, to see your friends, to go on that trip you've always wanted to take because you know while you're gone, he will ruin everything and you're the one who will get hurt. You're the only one holding it all together, but for what reason? He's the child you've never wanted.
You start to realize it's been a couple years now and although things have changed, everything is still the same. You think he has made progress and really cares this time, but slowly he will fall back to his old ways, that never truly went away. He'll try his hardest to make you feel like it's all your fault, too. Sometimes he doesn't have to try all that much. He knows exactly how to get under your skin and hurt you at your core. He will tap into your wounds that you never bothered healing, and he will rip them open. This has to be done if he wants to keep you around. He can't have you feeling strong and confident in yourself, you'd leave him for sure. You need to be beat the hell down, as low as possible, as low as he feels, unworthy of respect or love.
Oh and don't get me started on his deeply passionate, seemingly sincere professes of undying love and admiration for you and all you've done for him. You're his angel, without you, he'd be nothing, and he's right, so you stay because you believe you're needed. The breakthrough is always just around the corner, isn't it? You're led to believe so, but there's no light at the end of this tunnel. You'll only drown right with him if you don't save yourself.
The only alcoholic worthy of your love, is the one who has pulled himself out of the water. He's the one who is humbled, probably after some really horrific times. He has nothing left, not even you. There are only two choices: keep drinking and die, or begin the long process of quitting and becoming present in his own life. He's the one who has slip ups, but keeps moving forward and doesn't consider going back. His priority is sobriety and his new life choices will reflect that. If he's continuously falling backwards, he's not yet ready. If he's still hitting up the bars, flirting with the girls, making plans with his old drinking buddies, he's not ready. He does not want to get better. Maybe he knows he has to, maybe he's even sick of waking up in his own urine, day in and day out, maybe he really does want to stop hurting everyone, but it's easier to stay where he is than to make an effort to change.
Anyone who is still there for him, is only prolonging his illness. You're helping him to stay right where he is and keep drinking. You're only there because he will take whatever he can get. And if he does recover and get better, he will probably just leave you, because your life revolved around him and you are no longer whole. You didn't care for yourself, and he doesn't have the time or the emotional capacity to care for someone who can't take care of herself. He barely has the capacity to deal with his own feelings and needs, never mind yours.
If you're looking for someone to care for you, you're on your own. With an alcoholic, you will always be alone. Don't expect anyone to understand why you've stayed so long and given so many chances to redeem himself. No one will understand unless they have gone through it, too. Psychological manipulation is a powerful weapon that could start and end wars. You never knew it was possible to have your mind broken. Your psyche is damaged beyond comprehension and you're forever changed.
Dating an alcoholic is like making a deal with the devil. There are no benefits. The "good times" are just there to keep you hooked, waiting and yearning for it to all work out. Constantly hanging off a ledge with your hand reaching out for his, but it's never there. You can always count on him to be unavailable. You're signing up for every holiday or birthday to be completely ruined, every good moment or good time to be immediately followed by chaos and pain. It has to follow after hope, so the shock will be even more dramatic and devastating. You have to be sweet talked, buttered up, and promised the world so that you'll stick around long enough to be blindsided again. Yes, each time you're still just as shocked, even though you should know by now, the promises mean nothing. It's just a way to get you to hang on and wait on their every move, for that miracle, the golden moment that will never come.
Emotionally, he is a void. It's like spilling your heart out and opening yourself up to a black hole. Your feelings, needs, desires, your love is instantly incinerated. He will keep taking until you've drained yourself to the point of physical illness. You're afraid to go out, to have your own life, to see your friends, to go on that trip you've always wanted to take because you know while you're gone, he will ruin everything and you're the one who will get hurt. You're the only one holding it all together, but for what reason? He's the child you've never wanted.
You start to realize it's been a couple years now and although things have changed, everything is still the same. You think he has made progress and really cares this time, but slowly he will fall back to his old ways, that never truly went away. He'll try his hardest to make you feel like it's all your fault, too. Sometimes he doesn't have to try all that much. He knows exactly how to get under your skin and hurt you at your core. He will tap into your wounds that you never bothered healing, and he will rip them open. This has to be done if he wants to keep you around. He can't have you feeling strong and confident in yourself, you'd leave him for sure. You need to be beat the hell down, as low as possible, as low as he feels, unworthy of respect or love.
Oh and don't get me started on his deeply passionate, seemingly sincere professes of undying love and admiration for you and all you've done for him. You're his angel, without you, he'd be nothing, and he's right, so you stay because you believe you're needed. The breakthrough is always just around the corner, isn't it? You're led to believe so, but there's no light at the end of this tunnel. You'll only drown right with him if you don't save yourself.
The only alcoholic worthy of your love, is the one who has pulled himself out of the water. He's the one who is humbled, probably after some really horrific times. He has nothing left, not even you. There are only two choices: keep drinking and die, or begin the long process of quitting and becoming present in his own life. He's the one who has slip ups, but keeps moving forward and doesn't consider going back. His priority is sobriety and his new life choices will reflect that. If he's continuously falling backwards, he's not yet ready. If he's still hitting up the bars, flirting with the girls, making plans with his old drinking buddies, he's not ready. He does not want to get better. Maybe he knows he has to, maybe he's even sick of waking up in his own urine, day in and day out, maybe he really does want to stop hurting everyone, but it's easier to stay where he is than to make an effort to change.
Anyone who is still there for him, is only prolonging his illness. You're helping him to stay right where he is and keep drinking. You're only there because he will take whatever he can get. And if he does recover and get better, he will probably just leave you, because your life revolved around him and you are no longer whole. You didn't care for yourself, and he doesn't have the time or the emotional capacity to care for someone who can't take care of herself. He barely has the capacity to deal with his own feelings and needs, never mind yours.
If you're looking for someone to care for you, you're on your own. With an alcoholic, you will always be alone. Don't expect anyone to understand why you've stayed so long and given so many chances to redeem himself. No one will understand unless they have gone through it, too. Psychological manipulation is a powerful weapon that could start and end wars. You never knew it was possible to have your mind broken. Your psyche is damaged beyond comprehension and you're forever changed.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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Welcome to the Forum Trusthisactions!! 
You're in the right place for understanding, addiction or having been affected by addiction is what SR is all about, we know what you're talking about and have just described!!
You're in the right place for understanding, addiction or having been affected by addiction is what SR is all about, we know what you're talking about and have just described!!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I've been on both sides, I'm a recovered alcoholic but I looked in at my dad's alcoholism earlier in life, people who haven't come into contact with addiction will probably never understand, but there are thousands of members here that get you!!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 105
Trust - what an amazing post. Exactly what I have figured out and dealt with during my years living with ABF. I know the A better than I know myself!! Like why am I even remotely considering to continue any sort of relationship with me. Why am I still accepting even 10% of the blame of our current problems?! I would not have reacted or been angry or crazy if not for what he does when drinking, etc. And why am I still not 100% sure I will not let him move back? Hopefully your post and the other great shares here will continue to help me find answers to this part of me I do not understand!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 7
Purpleknight, may I ask how you got sober? Also, any tips on codependent relationships?
Sunday9 I'm so glad my words helped you in some way. It's interesting how we can all relate to the same issues and even some of the exact situations. The disease is almost predictable like that. I really hope you figure things out and find what you're searching for.
Sunday9 I'm so glad my words helped you in some way. It's interesting how we can all relate to the same issues and even some of the exact situations. The disease is almost predictable like that. I really hope you figure things out and find what you're searching for.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Trusthisactions. What a great name. I actually read it as "Truth is actions." Both are good...of course reading comprehension is probably more effective.
I'm a double winner. Been both an active alcoholic and then been sober with an alcoholic.
The only way your guy is going to get sober is when it is his idea that being sober is better than drinking. You can't speed up that process for him. As a matter of fact, trying will likely make him become even more entrenched and more manipulative. It kind of becomes a game you are playing with his addiction.
Take care of your own needs, he's not able to take care of them for you.
Have you tried Al Anon? It will help you become centered yourself and give you some tools to deal with this.
I'm a double winner. Been both an active alcoholic and then been sober with an alcoholic.
The only way your guy is going to get sober is when it is his idea that being sober is better than drinking. You can't speed up that process for him. As a matter of fact, trying will likely make him become even more entrenched and more manipulative. It kind of becomes a game you are playing with his addiction.
Take care of your own needs, he's not able to take care of them for you.
Have you tried Al Anon? It will help you become centered yourself and give you some tools to deal with this.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
In Alanon I learned to stop focusing on the problems of the alcoholic and deal with my own issues of codependency, which were really the root of my problem (hey, I picked him!). It's a process ... for me, two steps forward, one step back. Keep going ... you're doing great!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: durban, south africa
Posts: 14
Awesome post. I'm gonna save it so I can go back and read it as a reminder as to why I am no longer with my alcoholic anymore. Your words brought back so many memories that you tend to forget about as time heals you. Thank you for that. I needed to read it as lately I have days filled with doubts.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Trusthisactions.....I feel moved to ask you a question..if I may. You write quite eloquently regarding the dynamics of alcoholism and the effect on the partner. It sounds like someone who has gone through the experience and is writing in the past tense---as if removed by time and distance of those experiences. Like a speaker who is educating an audience from a position of wisdom from past experience and education on the subject.
And yet....you sound like a newbie who is the PROCESS of an experience...hanging on to hope and sensing a downward spiral.
I guess I am just having a hard time blending the intellectual awareness in the context of your current circumstance. Perhaps, have you been around "recovery circles" for a while?
Could you please explain this to me.....if you would like to, of course.
And, I would also like to say...WELCOME!
dandylion
And yet....you sound like a newbie who is the PROCESS of an experience...hanging on to hope and sensing a downward spiral.
I guess I am just having a hard time blending the intellectual awareness in the context of your current circumstance. Perhaps, have you been around "recovery circles" for a while?
Could you please explain this to me.....if you would like to, of course.
And, I would also like to say...WELCOME!
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Trusthisactions, what a post! Word for word is what I went through for five years and it has forever changed me. Welcome to SR! If I could have put my experience with an A into words ...you just did that! Thank you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree with what everyone has said. What an amazing post.
Is there such thing as a humble alcoholic? I've never met one. Guess that's why my X is my X.
All so sad, and all so true.
Thank you for sharing this. Very powerful.
I wish you a warm welcome to SR!
Is there such thing as a humble alcoholic? I've never met one. Guess that's why my X is my X.
All so sad, and all so true.
Thank you for sharing this. Very powerful.
I wish you a warm welcome to SR!
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
That made me choke up big time. It's like you were in my head. I could never have articulated it like that. Ever. That was exactly what I lived for close to four years! Thank you for putting my every thought into words. WOW
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Philly burbs, NJ
Posts: 99
This is an amazing post. The last part really spoke to me-- no one will ever understand why you stayed so long in such a dysfunctional situation. And yet... and yet..l still have so many moments when I feel so bad for making him move out. Why don't I feel worse for myself than for him? How did I ever get to this point?
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Amazing, awesome, beautiful! YOU HAVE IT!!! I have said so many times how similar all of us who are dealing with alcoholism in our lives are...even though our stories can vary.
You are so articulate!! If you ever have a moment of doubt or back slide into believing the lies..... PLEASE re-read your post! Save it forever and EVER!!! Powerful words, powerful revelation!! GOOOOOD for you!!!!!
You are so articulate!! If you ever have a moment of doubt or back slide into believing the lies..... PLEASE re-read your post! Save it forever and EVER!!! Powerful words, powerful revelation!! GOOOOOD for you!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 7
Dandylion, thank you. I'm not sure what to say. I suppose I'm just able to look at it from an outside perspective with awareness yet a bit of detachment. I've only recently gone to AA With him the past few weeks and have learned about addiction in school. He is a week sober and his parents are now aware and trying to get him into a rehab based on their insurance coverage. It's taking longer than I'd like it to, but I have bigger concerns.
Shortly after writing this, I found out I was pregnant. Thankfully it's very early and I have options. His initial reaction was to lash out at me and blame me, then later on came around to be supportive and somehow has not drank through this. The only option in his mind was abortion, he wouldn't really discuss anything else. Honestly it's probably for the best since I wouldn't want to raise an innocent child around him and have no support or place to live. It's so shocking. I believed I was unable to get pregnant. Now that I know it's possible, I'm really thinking about my future and what I truly want to make of my life. There may be a soul who needs me and wants me to bring it into this world. I'm grateful to have my spirituality and guides to get me through this. If anyone has advice or has been in a similar situation, I welcome your input.
Shortly after writing this, I found out I was pregnant. Thankfully it's very early and I have options. His initial reaction was to lash out at me and blame me, then later on came around to be supportive and somehow has not drank through this. The only option in his mind was abortion, he wouldn't really discuss anything else. Honestly it's probably for the best since I wouldn't want to raise an innocent child around him and have no support or place to live. It's so shocking. I believed I was unable to get pregnant. Now that I know it's possible, I'm really thinking about my future and what I truly want to make of my life. There may be a soul who needs me and wants me to bring it into this world. I'm grateful to have my spirituality and guides to get me through this. If anyone has advice or has been in a similar situation, I welcome your input.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: vail, colorado
Posts: 11
Wow.... being pregnant must have been a shock for you!! I just hope you do not think, that this is going to change him, I met people where it has been a wake up call for the abf, but even if so, you might still go through this by yourself. It is totally up to you, I think I couldn't do this, in my position right now. Raising a child while I am not stable and still trying to figure out what to do with my life, escaping, healing...
I hope you make the right decision for yourself! You are in the center of your life, not him. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
I hope you make the right decision for yourself! You are in the center of your life, not him. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
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