Getting the H*** Off of this Ride!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 39
Getting the H*** Off of this Ride!
Hi everyone,
It's been awhile since I posted and I'm sure that I don't have to explain why...sigh. Sorry in advance for the following lengthy post.
Two weeks ago marked the changing point in my thinking. After years of "hiding" (aka. pretending that nobody knew I was an alcoholic and brushing off the attempts of those who did show concern) I finally hit a wall.
It started with a weekend visit from my mom, also a recovering alcoholic. Our relationship was always turbulent, but we have made a lot of strides towards overcoming our struggles in the last few years. Anyway, she has been concerned about my drinking for quite some time now. We have discussed it on occasion. But last weekend, we fought. And we fought because I was drinking. Fought the way we used to fight when she was the drunk one and I was the sober one. The next day, when things had settled, she very quietly asked me if I recognized my behaviour as familiar. And for the first time, I saw that I had become just like the mother whom I had hated so much when she was at her worst. That was the first lightbulb.
Ended that weekend by having a heart to heart with my husband, who is very well aware of how much I was drinking but had no idea how to help me. He told me that when I was ready, he would help in any way that I needed. Lightbulb #2
My best friend of more than 20 years came for a 3 day visit later that week. She is pregnant with her first child and during our catching up talk that first night, she discussed my staying with her after the baby was born. It had always been the plan. She casually mentioned that she didn't want me or anyone drinking around the baby. Of course I told her not to worry, while secretly I started thinking about how to hide my drinking during her visit. I did a remarkable good job actually. So good in fact that by the end of the visit, I was downright angry and disappointed that she hadn't noticed that I had been hammered during the entire visit. I was drunk, I was ashamed, but most of all, I was exhausted and at the end of my rope. I came right out and asked her if she was remotely aware of the state that I had been in for 3 days. And I can truthfully say she was shocked. She said that she thought she smelled vodka on me at one point, but that she didn't want to accuse me of anything because my behaviour seemed completely sober to her. I broke down and told her of my hellish struggle of the last 5 years. All of it. She lives a distance away and we only see each other 2-3 times/year. She, her husband, and our other mutual friend have been mine and my husband's closest friends for more than a decade now. She knew that I liked to drink a lot, but always figured it was a choice I made. Little did she know. In the last couple of years, it has become more and more often the case that of the 5 of us, me and her husband are the only ones still "partying" during our weekend get togethers. But I am the only one that keeps drinking long after the weekend is over. She knows my secret now. She told me to get my head out of my ass in the loving way that only a best friend can and manage not to make you feel like a complete piece of garbage. She also promised to support me in every way that she can. Lightbulb #3.
Another serious conversation discussion with my husband took place that night and this time he asked me if I was ready to see that things HAD TO change...for me, for him, for our 2 wonderful boys.
After that, I had my first period of sobriety in years...nearly 5 days. And I felt better, I honestly felt physically and emotionally better. But on day 5, I caved. And this time my husband drew the line and told me that he would not continue on this roller coaster with me. That was 2 nights ago. He took the rest of my booze and put it into a locked cabinet. He also took my car keys with him to work yesterday so that I couldn't go to the liquor store. Yesterday was a rough day one, but not nearly as rough as today...
My friends are coming up tonight for the weekend. And it was agreed in advance that it would be a "dry" weekend...our first ever. They are all very cool with it (I'm not sure how much my best friend has told her husband and our mutual friend, but it doesn't really matter anymore). I'm supposing that this will be the beginning of a new chapter in our friendship. But today, as I was cleaning the house in preparation, all I could think about was that locked up booze. When I couldn't take it anymore, I called my husband and told him I needed a drink. He asked me why, but of course I didn't have an answer that would make sense to him. I asked him to tell me where the key for the locked cabinet was and he said no. I begged, I demanded, I screamed, and all he kept saying was that I could get through this and that he was sorry I was suffering. I finally told him that I hated his guts and hung up on him...not my proudest moment. And then I sat and fumed, prepared for the lashing I was going to give him when he came home and demanded an apology for my atrocious behaviour. Well...that husband of mine came home a couple of hours later, came over to me, hugged me and asked me if I was okay. And then he told me he was proud of me for making it through nearly 2 days.
There will be many more tests, battles, and moments of near despair in my immediate future, I'm sure. There are still many of my family and acquaintances who have no idea of the battle that I am fighting. Maybe someday I'll be able to share it with them. But for now, I have come clean to those who mean the most to me and I have effectively eradicated my ability to hide my drinking or it's consequences from here on out by confessing my secret fully. They will all be looking out for me from now on.
As I am typing this, my husband is napping on the couch beside me while we wait for our friends to arrive. I'm filled with so many emotions...shame, anxiety, fear. But as I think of these amazing and wonderful people in my life who care about me so much, I have to believe that I can finally walk away from this hellish ride...
Thank-you all for being here and helping me start to see those lightbulbs going off all around me.
It's been awhile since I posted and I'm sure that I don't have to explain why...sigh. Sorry in advance for the following lengthy post.
Two weeks ago marked the changing point in my thinking. After years of "hiding" (aka. pretending that nobody knew I was an alcoholic and brushing off the attempts of those who did show concern) I finally hit a wall.
It started with a weekend visit from my mom, also a recovering alcoholic. Our relationship was always turbulent, but we have made a lot of strides towards overcoming our struggles in the last few years. Anyway, she has been concerned about my drinking for quite some time now. We have discussed it on occasion. But last weekend, we fought. And we fought because I was drinking. Fought the way we used to fight when she was the drunk one and I was the sober one. The next day, when things had settled, she very quietly asked me if I recognized my behaviour as familiar. And for the first time, I saw that I had become just like the mother whom I had hated so much when she was at her worst. That was the first lightbulb.
Ended that weekend by having a heart to heart with my husband, who is very well aware of how much I was drinking but had no idea how to help me. He told me that when I was ready, he would help in any way that I needed. Lightbulb #2
My best friend of more than 20 years came for a 3 day visit later that week. She is pregnant with her first child and during our catching up talk that first night, she discussed my staying with her after the baby was born. It had always been the plan. She casually mentioned that she didn't want me or anyone drinking around the baby. Of course I told her not to worry, while secretly I started thinking about how to hide my drinking during her visit. I did a remarkable good job actually. So good in fact that by the end of the visit, I was downright angry and disappointed that she hadn't noticed that I had been hammered during the entire visit. I was drunk, I was ashamed, but most of all, I was exhausted and at the end of my rope. I came right out and asked her if she was remotely aware of the state that I had been in for 3 days. And I can truthfully say she was shocked. She said that she thought she smelled vodka on me at one point, but that she didn't want to accuse me of anything because my behaviour seemed completely sober to her. I broke down and told her of my hellish struggle of the last 5 years. All of it. She lives a distance away and we only see each other 2-3 times/year. She, her husband, and our other mutual friend have been mine and my husband's closest friends for more than a decade now. She knew that I liked to drink a lot, but always figured it was a choice I made. Little did she know. In the last couple of years, it has become more and more often the case that of the 5 of us, me and her husband are the only ones still "partying" during our weekend get togethers. But I am the only one that keeps drinking long after the weekend is over. She knows my secret now. She told me to get my head out of my ass in the loving way that only a best friend can and manage not to make you feel like a complete piece of garbage. She also promised to support me in every way that she can. Lightbulb #3.
Another serious conversation discussion with my husband took place that night and this time he asked me if I was ready to see that things HAD TO change...for me, for him, for our 2 wonderful boys.
After that, I had my first period of sobriety in years...nearly 5 days. And I felt better, I honestly felt physically and emotionally better. But on day 5, I caved. And this time my husband drew the line and told me that he would not continue on this roller coaster with me. That was 2 nights ago. He took the rest of my booze and put it into a locked cabinet. He also took my car keys with him to work yesterday so that I couldn't go to the liquor store. Yesterday was a rough day one, but not nearly as rough as today...
My friends are coming up tonight for the weekend. And it was agreed in advance that it would be a "dry" weekend...our first ever. They are all very cool with it (I'm not sure how much my best friend has told her husband and our mutual friend, but it doesn't really matter anymore). I'm supposing that this will be the beginning of a new chapter in our friendship. But today, as I was cleaning the house in preparation, all I could think about was that locked up booze. When I couldn't take it anymore, I called my husband and told him I needed a drink. He asked me why, but of course I didn't have an answer that would make sense to him. I asked him to tell me where the key for the locked cabinet was and he said no. I begged, I demanded, I screamed, and all he kept saying was that I could get through this and that he was sorry I was suffering. I finally told him that I hated his guts and hung up on him...not my proudest moment. And then I sat and fumed, prepared for the lashing I was going to give him when he came home and demanded an apology for my atrocious behaviour. Well...that husband of mine came home a couple of hours later, came over to me, hugged me and asked me if I was okay. And then he told me he was proud of me for making it through nearly 2 days.
There will be many more tests, battles, and moments of near despair in my immediate future, I'm sure. There are still many of my family and acquaintances who have no idea of the battle that I am fighting. Maybe someday I'll be able to share it with them. But for now, I have come clean to those who mean the most to me and I have effectively eradicated my ability to hide my drinking or it's consequences from here on out by confessing my secret fully. They will all be looking out for me from now on.
As I am typing this, my husband is napping on the couch beside me while we wait for our friends to arrive. I'm filled with so many emotions...shame, anxiety, fear. But as I think of these amazing and wonderful people in my life who care about me so much, I have to believe that I can finally walk away from this hellish ride...
Thank-you all for being here and helping me start to see those lightbulbs going off all around me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,129
Fresh,
Your story made me cry. You are so loved and so supported. Your husband and best friend sound like amazing, wonderful people. You must be pretty darn great as well to have such supportive relationships in your life.
I know you can't quit for others, only yourself, but I have to say having them in your corner must feel good. Even when you have to admit to things that aren't easy to say.
Please feel proud of yourself for being so honest with them, even when you were railing at your husband about your need for that locked up booze. Sounds like he's got a thick skin and a highly developed tolerance, but please try not to abuse it. Our loved ones can only take so much. Don't mistake their kindness for weakness, ya know? Not saying you are, but I've played generous and kind people in my life to the point where they did just give up. I'm not trying to project, though. Sounds like your husband is in firm control of who he is and what he's willing to accept.
Anyway, I don't know you but I am proud of you. You did a courageous thing and I'm looking forward to hearing your updates.
Best,
Melina
PS.. It just occurred to me that your husband put the booze in jail! Better the alcohol locked up than you
Your story made me cry. You are so loved and so supported. Your husband and best friend sound like amazing, wonderful people. You must be pretty darn great as well to have such supportive relationships in your life.
I know you can't quit for others, only yourself, but I have to say having them in your corner must feel good. Even when you have to admit to things that aren't easy to say.
Please feel proud of yourself for being so honest with them, even when you were railing at your husband about your need for that locked up booze. Sounds like he's got a thick skin and a highly developed tolerance, but please try not to abuse it. Our loved ones can only take so much. Don't mistake their kindness for weakness, ya know? Not saying you are, but I've played generous and kind people in my life to the point where they did just give up. I'm not trying to project, though. Sounds like your husband is in firm control of who he is and what he's willing to accept.
Anyway, I don't know you but I am proud of you. You did a courageous thing and I'm looking forward to hearing your updates.
Best,
Melina
PS.. It just occurred to me that your husband put the booze in jail! Better the alcohol locked up than you
I'm glad you're choosing sobriety. It's worth the effort. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 39
Well it's Sunday morning and the household is just waking up
. Not a drop of alcohol consumed by anyone, and not a hangover to be found. We had a relaxing day by the pool, reading, talking...and then a great dinner followed by a couple of movies. Nothing different than what we have always done together, but this time, we were all completely sober. And guess what? Nobody missed the booze...well okay, I had a couple of moments of thinking that a glass of wine would be delicious, but those passed relatively quickly. My worry that our get togethers would be lacking something without the drinks proved unfounded. The only thing lacking is that our breakfast this morning will not be peppered with the "crazy" things that I said and did last night. Bring on Day 4!
. Not a drop of alcohol consumed by anyone, and not a hangover to be found. We had a relaxing day by the pool, reading, talking...and then a great dinner followed by a couple of movies. Nothing different than what we have always done together, but this time, we were all completely sober. And guess what? Nobody missed the booze...well okay, I had a couple of moments of thinking that a glass of wine would be delicious, but those passed relatively quickly. My worry that our get togethers would be lacking something without the drinks proved unfounded. The only thing lacking is that our breakfast this morning will not be peppered with the "crazy" things that I said and did last night. Bring on Day 4!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
Great work on day three! Another couple of days and most of the acute physical symptoms should have washed out. Definitely you're over the hump by now.
The fact that you called your husband in that situation tells me your AV is pretty strong. You're not always going to have a locked door and a car with no keys in between you and booze. Plan ahead, game-plan for that day. Don't assume things are going to work out when an opportunity to drink jumps out and catches you off-guard. That is my free advice guaranteed to be worth every penny
The fact that you called your husband in that situation tells me your AV is pretty strong. You're not always going to have a locked door and a car with no keys in between you and booze. Plan ahead, game-plan for that day. Don't assume things are going to work out when an opportunity to drink jumps out and catches you off-guard. That is my free advice
guaranteed to be worth every penny
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