Working on starting over (again) at 60
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Working on starting over (again) at 60
I am trying to get up and go.
I have made several steps in the past year...and had a few setbacks.
I am holding the line on my adult older children who I set boundaries with and are not replying or choosing to be in my life. I have been holding the line for a year now...with a setback at Christmas when I 'found' my heroin addict daughter and started a new Christmas tradition for Christmas eve as the adult single mother girls (2) had their own Christmas together (& invited their dad and I at the last minute) and then we babysat for New Years.
Then...court for the daughter...as she got caught for drug paraphenalia and petty theft and I went and made a statement to the court and they got tougher on her and she is pissed...and the judge and DA made the pre-trial diversion she had to show up to mandatory...and no end to the story...her Public Defender talked about it at the last one I went to but she wasn't there. She was ordered back on the following Friday but I didn't go--June (at the end--maybe the 27th--last week).
I am working to hold the boundaries on my older children and this daughter...as I have nothing left.
I do have a job and have really stood up to the men there several times--asking my boss for a raise and telling him that he has not shown any appreciation (I helped him figure out the company was in a cash crunch and that more money was needed)--it has been 3 weeks since then and he won't give me a raise but he gave me a phone allowance and $200/mo for gas for the move.
I stood up the the boss' son also as he bullied my team into a meeting to 'get to the bottom of an invoice that was in this week and not last week'--people in companies always blame the people who process the invoices...but they are responsible. I have been developing and creating this team...and they did great...but I got called on the carpet and my boss who is HR told that I swore at him. Now I did. And I told him to shove it. After a year. He hasn't asked me a single question all year...going straight to my staff...not sometimes...all the time. Not making eye contact with me. Told me I was doing a lousy job on billing and all his project managers gave him feedback.
I worked through both the boss and this guy telling me that I was bringing in too many topics. I am emotionally deep and I have worked for a long time. They were trying to keep me to one task...item...their task...their item. I was supposed to make business processes better but I will not be doing that again...I will be doing plain old tasks.
My boss is trying to make a family owned company marketable to the outside for growth. I didn't create the problems of power and control and I can't cure them or control them. I didn't get fired...because the son has a reputation for being controlling and a micromanager and is being coached and counseled.
I called my recruiter and told him to start looking for me...at a higher salary...but I do not want to walk out as I have done in the past when the stress got too hard and I couldn't stand up for myself. I know I have done a great job...and I know it. I stood my ground in front of boss (who has no real power; just supports family) and said my piece...and I called his behavior what it is...disrespect and they both really worked hard for it not to be that. I was convinced I was wrong...but my boss got the boss's son to do one thing as an agreement...to go to me for questions about invoices...and I was tearing up which is not good...but I have backed down off of having to fight any more...and put together for my boss suggestions of what needs to be put on the back burner so that I don't make 'mistakes'.
As a business process designer and improver...I know that people have to be able to make non-critical mistakes to grown and learn and take charge. The guy is going to be an issue for company growth and although I like the innovation of the company (the dad is a visionary) they have not been able to grow as fast as they talk for 10 years and that brings cash problems and I am very experienced in handling and managing operational cash when it exists.
So...well...I am going on and on...but I hope by standing up I did something for myself.
I stood up because my back was to the wall...I have been working indecent hours 11-12 daily and weekends to deliver...but took Thursday to start just pulling back. I will do what I need to do not to get blamed for anything. I will give up the large area of work the boss' son gave me and wants back and doesn't have the guts to say he is empire building but needs to take it away because I am screwing up. Not for 10 months...the last month only as my boss gave me more than I can do too...and couldn't think how to help so let me do what I did.
But I won't let myself do that again. I am a pleaser and do a lot of customer service...but will not be providing what I was...as they are getting so much more than they had a year ago...but that is not the crux of the issue...I let myself get used up because I was hungry for approval and attention and appreciation.
I need to do something different. Talking to the recruiter was good...have a few girl friends to call on. Will pull back to 40-50 hour days AND documenting very thoroughly in writing (which it is a verbal environment...as there doesn't have to be accountability in a verbal environment but also construction which is normal) what I did and what it took in resources.
I know how to do a lot but I can only do the top priorities which have been to cut cycle time out of a major process by 65 days...so I will focus on that and the elements and components of that...and avoid all the noise and chaos.
I have made several steps in the past year...and had a few setbacks.
I am holding the line on my adult older children who I set boundaries with and are not replying or choosing to be in my life. I have been holding the line for a year now...with a setback at Christmas when I 'found' my heroin addict daughter and started a new Christmas tradition for Christmas eve as the adult single mother girls (2) had their own Christmas together (& invited their dad and I at the last minute) and then we babysat for New Years.
Then...court for the daughter...as she got caught for drug paraphenalia and petty theft and I went and made a statement to the court and they got tougher on her and she is pissed...and the judge and DA made the pre-trial diversion she had to show up to mandatory...and no end to the story...her Public Defender talked about it at the last one I went to but she wasn't there. She was ordered back on the following Friday but I didn't go--June (at the end--maybe the 27th--last week).
I am working to hold the boundaries on my older children and this daughter...as I have nothing left.
I do have a job and have really stood up to the men there several times--asking my boss for a raise and telling him that he has not shown any appreciation (I helped him figure out the company was in a cash crunch and that more money was needed)--it has been 3 weeks since then and he won't give me a raise but he gave me a phone allowance and $200/mo for gas for the move.
I stood up the the boss' son also as he bullied my team into a meeting to 'get to the bottom of an invoice that was in this week and not last week'--people in companies always blame the people who process the invoices...but they are responsible. I have been developing and creating this team...and they did great...but I got called on the carpet and my boss who is HR told that I swore at him. Now I did. And I told him to shove it. After a year. He hasn't asked me a single question all year...going straight to my staff...not sometimes...all the time. Not making eye contact with me. Told me I was doing a lousy job on billing and all his project managers gave him feedback.
I worked through both the boss and this guy telling me that I was bringing in too many topics. I am emotionally deep and I have worked for a long time. They were trying to keep me to one task...item...their task...their item. I was supposed to make business processes better but I will not be doing that again...I will be doing plain old tasks.
My boss is trying to make a family owned company marketable to the outside for growth. I didn't create the problems of power and control and I can't cure them or control them. I didn't get fired...because the son has a reputation for being controlling and a micromanager and is being coached and counseled.
I called my recruiter and told him to start looking for me...at a higher salary...but I do not want to walk out as I have done in the past when the stress got too hard and I couldn't stand up for myself. I know I have done a great job...and I know it. I stood my ground in front of boss (who has no real power; just supports family) and said my piece...and I called his behavior what it is...disrespect and they both really worked hard for it not to be that. I was convinced I was wrong...but my boss got the boss's son to do one thing as an agreement...to go to me for questions about invoices...and I was tearing up which is not good...but I have backed down off of having to fight any more...and put together for my boss suggestions of what needs to be put on the back burner so that I don't make 'mistakes'.
As a business process designer and improver...I know that people have to be able to make non-critical mistakes to grown and learn and take charge. The guy is going to be an issue for company growth and although I like the innovation of the company (the dad is a visionary) they have not been able to grow as fast as they talk for 10 years and that brings cash problems and I am very experienced in handling and managing operational cash when it exists.
So...well...I am going on and on...but I hope by standing up I did something for myself.
I stood up because my back was to the wall...I have been working indecent hours 11-12 daily and weekends to deliver...but took Thursday to start just pulling back. I will do what I need to do not to get blamed for anything. I will give up the large area of work the boss' son gave me and wants back and doesn't have the guts to say he is empire building but needs to take it away because I am screwing up. Not for 10 months...the last month only as my boss gave me more than I can do too...and couldn't think how to help so let me do what I did.
But I won't let myself do that again. I am a pleaser and do a lot of customer service...but will not be providing what I was...as they are getting so much more than they had a year ago...but that is not the crux of the issue...I let myself get used up because I was hungry for approval and attention and appreciation.
I need to do something different. Talking to the recruiter was good...have a few girl friends to call on. Will pull back to 40-50 hour days AND documenting very thoroughly in writing (which it is a verbal environment...as there doesn't have to be accountability in a verbal environment but also construction which is normal) what I did and what it took in resources.
I know how to do a lot but I can only do the top priorities which have been to cut cycle time out of a major process by 65 days...so I will focus on that and the elements and components of that...and avoid all the noise and chaos.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
I let myself get used up by a <horrible> manager quite a few years ago; ulcer, 60hr+ weeks for a year or so.. the usual story. I finally had enough and got off onto a different project w/ an excellent manager I know well, it took about 6 months for the physical symptoms of stress etc to abate and probably that much again to uncompress mentally. I still remember how happy I was when I finally got 8 hrs of sleep one night.. before that it was tossing and turning for 5 or 6 because of the stress and anxiety.. stay in a poisonous job and it'll be that way till you die from it.
I guess I kept hoping he would moderate his behavior if I did better... his response (to the whole team) was to disenage then show up and impose his will without regard to what the team had worked out in his absence- very destructive. At the time I wondered at the turnover.. ha ha the codies are the last to leave.
I'm glad you stood up for yourself- I never did until I finally left after 2yrs or so of continuous stress and overwork. That was a big lesson for me- never again.. no matter how nice the project if I see those signs and they do not get controlled them I'm going to start finding my way out- a job is just not worth wrecking yourself.
I guess I kept hoping he would moderate his behavior if I did better... his response (to the whole team) was to disenage then show up and impose his will without regard to what the team had worked out in his absence- very destructive. At the time I wondered at the turnover.. ha ha the codies are the last to leave.
I'm glad you stood up for yourself- I never did until I finally left after 2yrs or so of continuous stress and overwork. That was a big lesson for me- never again.. no matter how nice the project if I see those signs and they do not get controlled them I'm going to start finding my way out- a job is just not worth wrecking yourself.
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Been there done that, take care of yourself. Move jobs where they value and treat employees with respect. The decision to move on is a good one. I have better luck with large corporations. Small family businesses can have way too much drama that gets dumped on staff.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Thanks Firefall...I think that is a good suggestion...right now just working on staying focused and resting on the weekends. I got very tired with all the setting boundaries and I do need to be able to manage my work better...my boss is trying to 'help' me but took all the planning and managing things around hiring a new employee out of my hands this week...and I am still working on multiple deadlines...which he wants for 'the bank'. I let go of needing to control anything in order to make it work, settled back into what was comfortable energy...doing one thing at a time...and I praised and gave positive feedback to my staff who were working very hard to 'help' me as I juggled all. I had a break in the panic yesterday after I got through doing it 'boss' way' and also have held boundaries set in mid June with 3 adult children (a different post) and have not gone back or changed them. I think I did a lot of good steps from May through now in holding boundaries, etc. I did get all caught up in things though and realize that I need something calmer...and that I will need to be careful on how I focus on that...I have the recruiter looking for something, and probably should reach out to others...but don't have the energy. Holding boundaries on adult children who blame me for issues in the family--but I just can't be the scapegoat any longer...they are adults...and are taking care of their own needs and also the 19 year old boy who went to live with them...so letting it stay that way. My 22 year old heroin addict is out of contact and I am allowing her to stay out of contact. I really need to know serenity again and have not had much, if any, in a very long time. I thought I had hit bottom in Chile last year...with no money, a husband who wouldn't give me money to check my meds, etc., the daughter who broke contact, and the other 4 kids who were siding with Dad and acting like I was the emotional basket case (well...I was...but I was also doing my spiritual walk, working my program of healthier eating and exercise and continued work on my own self)--I am still working my program...and although it doesn't feel good to be out of contact with everyone (by their choice not mine)--I just couldn't continue doing everything for them they wanted...I realized that they never wanted to just be with me...it was about babysitting grandchildren, or being there for them as they went out...and I am burned out...I have been giving and giving my entire life...and I am empty.
At work I supervise people who have a lot of energy and take a lot of energy (I am a natural introvert) and I know that I need to work...and especially now...as it has become clear that I cannot count on family support. Husband is in Chile and running low on money (this is a repetitive pattern in our lives...he does construction...I make the money and he uses it)--so the change in my pattern this time...and it is true...is to tell him that I have no money (I spent the last 8 weeks using the last of my scraped together savings from coming back to work in the states...on tires, on taking my grandgirls to the aquarium, on getting confused about the rent and overdrafting so having to pay another $100).
I am just focusing on trying not to be so stressed and confused right now. I am trying not to make impulsive moves...but to let the thoughts come and go and then to focus on a budget and paying the bills and work...and not losing it at work. I realized (how dumb am I) and my therapist confirmed...that men do not do emotions even if they have them and are tough at work (I am working in a construction/technology company--so there are lots of emotions)--so I have to not let my emotions get out of containment.
Just realizing that is a huge leap for me...I am a natural caretaker (ha! :-) and very nurturing, and my industries where I did best were retail (female) & libraries (female) and also construction with my husband (he was nurturing). I did not do well in financial services/investing (too male) but I think that the experiences have helped me perhaps make the adjustment here...as I am starting to set my work priorities differently, not take on too much...more task oriented...and to be more task oriented in my talk.
We will see. I am just reminding myself that as I rest and take care of myself...the right things will manifest according to how and when they need to...and that holding my boundaries against getting drawn into any of the dramas in my 5 adult kids lives and my husbands (they all have something going on--although doing well) might just be the key to getting back me...and a better life...in time.
Today, I rested...and tried not to think or plan. I used to be an awesome planner...but now...my plans backfire...so I am trying to just stay in the moment...and do what needs to be done...one minute, hour, day at a time. I have had a few instances at work where I let my mind take something the negative way...and then turned it around...it is the lack of 'touchy feely' thing with my boss that I am not getting...but once I just let go of trying to control it...answered his questions...and carried through with the task...realized that he thinks highly of me.
This is a good thing. He thinks highly of me...and I did face him down a few weeks ago and he told me he was very surprised that I didn't know it. Now he is trying to help me get more resources. I am working on accepting this help as it is offered and not try to control or judge it...and to also just relax a bit more at work. I think that I have gotten too low with all the work with dysfunctional family over so many years and then family of origin before that...and so am giving this a chance...will appreciate prayer...it is frightening to know that I am capable of turning good things into bad because my state of being is too stressed. I do not want to stay this way...I want to learn to live around healthy self care (whatever that means) and continued work on my own life...and in trusting God to take care of all that I cannot handle (which is more and more as I work my recovery--turning out to be almost everything...wow!).
At work I supervise people who have a lot of energy and take a lot of energy (I am a natural introvert) and I know that I need to work...and especially now...as it has become clear that I cannot count on family support. Husband is in Chile and running low on money (this is a repetitive pattern in our lives...he does construction...I make the money and he uses it)--so the change in my pattern this time...and it is true...is to tell him that I have no money (I spent the last 8 weeks using the last of my scraped together savings from coming back to work in the states...on tires, on taking my grandgirls to the aquarium, on getting confused about the rent and overdrafting so having to pay another $100).
I am just focusing on trying not to be so stressed and confused right now. I am trying not to make impulsive moves...but to let the thoughts come and go and then to focus on a budget and paying the bills and work...and not losing it at work. I realized (how dumb am I) and my therapist confirmed...that men do not do emotions even if they have them and are tough at work (I am working in a construction/technology company--so there are lots of emotions)--so I have to not let my emotions get out of containment.
Just realizing that is a huge leap for me...I am a natural caretaker (ha! :-) and very nurturing, and my industries where I did best were retail (female) & libraries (female) and also construction with my husband (he was nurturing). I did not do well in financial services/investing (too male) but I think that the experiences have helped me perhaps make the adjustment here...as I am starting to set my work priorities differently, not take on too much...more task oriented...and to be more task oriented in my talk.
We will see. I am just reminding myself that as I rest and take care of myself...the right things will manifest according to how and when they need to...and that holding my boundaries against getting drawn into any of the dramas in my 5 adult kids lives and my husbands (they all have something going on--although doing well) might just be the key to getting back me...and a better life...in time.
Today, I rested...and tried not to think or plan. I used to be an awesome planner...but now...my plans backfire...so I am trying to just stay in the moment...and do what needs to be done...one minute, hour, day at a time. I have had a few instances at work where I let my mind take something the negative way...and then turned it around...it is the lack of 'touchy feely' thing with my boss that I am not getting...but once I just let go of trying to control it...answered his questions...and carried through with the task...realized that he thinks highly of me.
This is a good thing. He thinks highly of me...and I did face him down a few weeks ago and he told me he was very surprised that I didn't know it. Now he is trying to help me get more resources. I am working on accepting this help as it is offered and not try to control or judge it...and to also just relax a bit more at work. I think that I have gotten too low with all the work with dysfunctional family over so many years and then family of origin before that...and so am giving this a chance...will appreciate prayer...it is frightening to know that I am capable of turning good things into bad because my state of being is too stressed. I do not want to stay this way...I want to learn to live around healthy self care (whatever that means) and continued work on my own life...and in trusting God to take care of all that I cannot handle (which is more and more as I work my recovery--turning out to be almost everything...wow!).
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
I was in my friday alanon mtg yesterday, the speaker was talking about how she was a "1st nighter" because the concept of self-care was a revelation for her. Which triggered a realization for me that although the program is all about focusing on getting one's own spirtual/emotional house in order using introspection and step work, that I'm a lot more aware of whats going on with the other people in my life than I've ever been. Perhaps its that better awareness of myself leads to better awareness of others.
I've been strung out and self-absorbed before where other people start turning into nothing more than interruptions and stress, its pretty horrible when I think back on it. The constant anxiety and more or less simmering anger was nearly as bad as the dark obsessing about my RAH.
I swear if ever I start wondering about "things being OK" and maybe I could pay more attention to other stuff I want to recall just what 6 months ago felt like...
I've been strung out and self-absorbed before where other people start turning into nothing more than interruptions and stress, its pretty horrible when I think back on it. The constant anxiety and more or less simmering anger was nearly as bad as the dark obsessing about my RAH.
I swear if ever I start wondering about "things being OK" and maybe I could pay more attention to other stuff I want to recall just what 6 months ago felt like...
K9 Trainer, Ret. Sys Engr
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: California
Posts: 389
Iris... you said
[B] let myself get used up because I was hungry for approval and attention and appreciation./B]
This is an easy trap.... you are obviously good at what you do when you are rested and focused.
Not so easy when your heart is broken and your exhausted. Please try to get some relaxing face time with a good friend and take time to drop all the project planning when you are not in the office...it will eat you up even if everything else is solid.
Take time.. lift your face to the sun and smell the joy in the air.
[B] let myself get used up because I was hungry for approval and attention and appreciation./B]
This is an easy trap.... you are obviously good at what you do when you are rested and focused.
Not so easy when your heart is broken and your exhausted. Please try to get some relaxing face time with a good friend and take time to drop all the project planning when you are not in the office...it will eat you up even if everything else is solid.
Take time.. lift your face to the sun and smell the joy in the air.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Well friends...I was let go from the job today. Took today to grieve and cry...and also just praying for God's wisdom on what I can do to make money where people matter. It is very stressful to do what I do...although there is stress everywhere, so I know that I am not alone...I believe that God has given me another opportunity to seek that which I haven't yet found...but have no idea what that might be. I have tried so many ways and things...and I did let the manager and the company trigger all my 'over work' tendencies...although I fought the whole time...I have no issues with being let go...I think I knew it when I posted here...but I let it carry on because no jobs presented themselves. Praying that God will help me get clearer and see the 'simple' solutions instead of the complicated ones I always see. Going to look up some ftf meetings to see if that might help...
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Irisgarden, I too am in my 60's and have had many situations just like yours through the years. I had good jobs too and worked for myself for over 20 years (I am a very good boss to me., lol) and did well on my own...but what I learned from this and hope comforts you is that every single time that something like this happened...it led me to something better.
Either a change in jobs that was refreshing, or more money somewhere else, or more time and freedom for "me" off the job...it was a strangely wrapped gift that came from what appeared to be chaos.
If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I stood up for my self when I needed to, and kept quiet when I thought it was wise. I chose my battles and I kept my eyes open for new jobs that I might like better.
You are probably afraid of the unknown...the future...but I promise you that it will be fine and one day soon you will look back at this and be happy it happened.
Hugs
Either a change in jobs that was refreshing, or more money somewhere else, or more time and freedom for "me" off the job...it was a strangely wrapped gift that came from what appeared to be chaos.
If I had it to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing. I stood up for my self when I needed to, and kept quiet when I thought it was wise. I chose my battles and I kept my eyes open for new jobs that I might like better.
You are probably afraid of the unknown...the future...but I promise you that it will be fine and one day soon you will look back at this and be happy it happened.
Hugs
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
.I have no issues with being let go...I think I knew it when I posted here...but I let it carry on because no jobs presented themselves. Praying that God will help me get clearer and see the 'simple' solutions instead of the complicated ones I always see.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Thank you so much Ann
Ann, you and a few others here are all such an inspiration to me...and I am so glad I joined the site when I did and that I keep checking in.
I so appreciate your post...and thank you for saying what I believe...but sometimes get a bit jumpy and scared about...God has the perfect plan.
I am really glad to be here and to know that I have a family here...making a plan and researching some things today...and have started to figure out what needs to be done in practical terms.
You are just truly awesome!
I so appreciate your post...and thank you for saying what I believe...but sometimes get a bit jumpy and scared about...God has the perfect plan.
I am really glad to be here and to know that I have a family here...making a plan and researching some things today...and have started to figure out what needs to be done in practical terms.
You are just truly awesome!
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