Rough Days

Old 07-03-2014, 09:11 PM
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Rough Days

My exA and I have been separated for going on 2 years now. He's in recovery, but the disease has really affected him and his health is failing. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive, in ways that make me wonder if he has an underlying mental issue.

The verbal abuse and manipulation really hasn't stopped. I learned to walk away.

He left, and I was happy. Going to al-anon, finding myself. Moving forward with a career shift, building a new beginning. Slowly, but it was happening.

I am feeling really down. My kids copy his attitude towards me, and it is so heartbreaking. I could not stop my exAs bullying--I have to walk away. But wtf do I do with my kids? I know, boundaries, all of that. My therapist warned me two years ago that they'd probably do this for a little while. It still hurts.

At the same time, I feel so trapped. The more I step away from my A, the more he cultivates the kids as his codependents. If I set hard boundaries, they complain to him, and he's no adult. I don't see a well person, thinking clearly.

It's just depressing. I hate summer, they are here and either they're complaining about something, or they're on the screens he bought them that I said 'No" to (when we discussed it. he didn't listen, or was blacked out).

So now I feel like I'M the one failing my kids: should be planning summer fun, but I'm out of money, should be enjoying time together, but when we are together, it's miserable. Should be doing more, but I'm so exhausted, and so sick of knowing that whatever I do, it's going to be dissected and criticized by the people I love.
I could work harder (neglecting the kids), spend more time with the kids (lazy, not working enough), focus on my own wellness (Selfish!!!) or just curl up in bed (crazy!).

Their screen time starts to feel like a godsend. I want to enjoy my kids company, but they have a lingering suspicion that everything I do is stupid.

I have the kids, the house, the pets, all of the responsibility, which is okay with me, because I can see he's not well, and maybe not sober. But I also get so much flak! I deal with it calmly, and I see that as I write this, I try to explain to my kids how to be more empathetic, or why I am making the choices I make. I did the same with my ex, but he never really cared. He was just bullying me.

I also hate 4th of July. He's away, and the kids are still excited about it, but he always drank too much, and if he'd been abstaining, it was usually the start of a new binge cycle.
I'm going back to my therapist on Monday. maybe she can meet with me and the kids as a family. I really isolated myself during my time with their dad--I was convinced no one else would like me, either. Now, I have two hurting, sulking, young adults around--and even though the A is gone, I STILL don't want to have friends over b/c of the awkwardness!!!!

I guess I have to not take responsibility for the kids' moods, either. Anyways, thanks for letting me rant!!
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Old 07-03-2014, 09:37 PM
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O sweetie i just hurt for you. One thought to remember is that kids take their frustrations out on those closest that they know will be a constant. Thats you as sucky as it may be right now. I think family therapy would be good. And level w them and let them come up with some ideas. We have a state park here thats really nice. When my leg heals i plan to take the kids, the dog, and a picnic basket to hike and swim. Best part....free.

Good luck, you are in my prayers.

Ps...i hate the 4th....same reason. You are not alone!
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Old 07-04-2014, 02:44 AM
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It isn't clear to me from this post if you are still having contact / letting the kids have contact with this verbal abuse towards you.

If he is gone for 2 years, maybe no contact would be a first step

Kids wouldn't see bad example, you don't have to hear it.
His poor health sounds like his own doing so leave him to his own consequences.

It is hurting you, and that's reason enough.

My advice with kids is do some outside exercise / fun activities to make good memories and burn off extra energy. Win win
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Old 07-04-2014, 08:50 AM
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I feel your pain. It's right that they take things out in a safe place...yay you, you're that place. Seriously, you are, and that's wonderful, but it soooo stinks when you're trying to recover yourself as learn what not to accept from ANYONE. You can't run away from your kids. And if you're like me, you then have guilt for even thinking that.

In the beginning I relaxed a little because I couldn't do it all. They used screens more than I historically liked (still do), but it was a battle I couldn't fight. I actually created just a few basic rules- clean up your own messes in "public" parts of the house, get good grades and I leave school stuff alone (hammer drops if you get a C or lower), and ask me for when/where you're going. Everything else (bedtime, eating, anything) I decided somehow funneled into those three key rules. I was able to ignore everything else (their rooms, etc). Not mom of the year rules, but it kept things where I could handle them.

DS14 triggers me a lot because of the abusive tactics he learned. I remind myself he has hope, but in the first year I completely shut down when he did it. Two things have helped me recently---

First, I had tried so hard not to say negative things about their dad. I read all the books that said it's the worst thing you can do, and I was also afraid X would claim alienation. BUT, I realized that I couldn't point out the unhealthy things the kids learned if I wasn't clearly stating which of X's behaviors were wrong. So I started. Both sons seemed to gain a lot more respect for me (very hard to start) when I honestly told them ways in which X treated me unacceptably. They saw it. Kids know. Without me explaining (calmly), they were lost and doomed to repeat it. They needed to see my true feelings to validate right and wrong--calmly, not emotionally. I started by taking them out to dinner and telling them that trough counseling I had learned that we all lived in an abusive household, and I hadn't fully realized it, but it was unacceptable, and I will never allow that in our home again (from anyone). I told them there are many things we all need to learn to make sure we have healthy future relationships, and that I'd be talking to them more about this. That was it. I took them to a DV counselor who is working with them (made it happen since I had decided it was a family responsibility, so if they choose not to fulfill responsibility, they don't get family privileges--cell phones). They bluffed and raged and tried everything (you're making me, etc), but I simply stated it was their choice and had nothing to do with me. It was a HARD week. I felt completely beat up. They're a few months in to counseling now.

Second--I just started an "abuse a week" thing where I teach them about forms of verbal abuse. I write it on a dry erase board and make them talk through examples with me. They hate it. We just did "belittling", which is how they were treating me during that exercise. Beautiful. I couldn't have done this last year, so it's progress and I hope it sticks somewhere in their brains. I'm also going to do Codie behaviors.

Change happened very slowly, but I feel it. This summer I decided they can earn a good weekly allowance, but I leave a list of daily chores when I go to work. They have no camps or activities, so I told them I shouldn't have to clean anything in the house because I'm still working full time to help the family. First week lots of complaining... and half pay, because when you're paid for a job you don't get to complain. They were ticked off, but I had explained it to start, so I didn't cave. I wouldn't engage and told them they know what to do next week to earn it all. Then I left.

I look around now and can't believe the order that I've created. Even four months ago I couldn't have pictured it.

I still have no idea if my sons will become healthy adults, but now I am naming the abusive tactics and pointing them out when they happen. Deep down they're both terrified of becoming their dad, though they don't discuss it. I AM TOO!

Sorry for all the info, but I know where you're at. The entire first year I wanted to run away and hated myself for it. I still do sometimes, but not as badly.

Hugs to you today. YOU can change how they interact with you by deciding what you'll accept. You can't control their behavior, but you CAN control what's required for your home and your privileges. Hang in there!
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Old 07-05-2014, 09:46 PM
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Fairly certain - I always cry at fireworks - whether I am married/divorced to narcissist of 20 years, or I'm with or without ABF... I think it - as well as the parenting stress- has so much to do with the idealism that some of us, me for sure, were raised. So much hope watching the magic of fireworks - a reminder of naive hope I had for most of my adult life even- until it all crashed. I have wonderful teens, but I look back at their childhood memories with much more pride in the parent I was and the family we were - the problems were under the surface for so many years, everything seemed perfect, but of course wasn't. Easy to get emotional about those expectations we have for how life/marriage/parenting are 'supposed' to be, and how they look from the outside on other families, and on tv. I too feel like I allow to much screen time sometimes for my son, but also sometimes feel as a single parent I desperately need to allow it, we are just not perfect and life doesn't turn out how we want; I know my children love me to the moon and back even if we don't sing Kumbaya in a circle at a fire pit every Friday night. We can only do our best - and give ourselves a break when our best doesn't feel good enough for what we expect from ourselves. Life is much more complicated than I ever thought it would be, at least my children will have some perspective at a younger age and not be so naive and idyllic to the realities of adulthood. Thinking about you!
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