Being Left vs. Leaving
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Being Left vs. Leaving
I hope this isn't off topic since this happens with us and our A.
Does anyone have thoughts about which person it is harder on - the leaver or the left one. And does it make a difference in which role the A plays?
In my case I am always left. It is torture. Everything here from my routine to the yard and pets and furniture and food remind me of him. Good times and bad times. I think that makes me sadder and harder to get over him. While I think having to adjust to new surroundings would be hard too - it would also feel fresh and a clean slate.
IMO he leaves and is off to a new adventure. New everything. Nothing to remind him of me. Not saying it is easy or he doesn't miss certain things but he is not reminded constantly like I am.
Does anyone have thoughts about which person it is harder on - the leaver or the left one. And does it make a difference in which role the A plays?
In my case I am always left. It is torture. Everything here from my routine to the yard and pets and furniture and food remind me of him. Good times and bad times. I think that makes me sadder and harder to get over him. While I think having to adjust to new surroundings would be hard too - it would also feel fresh and a clean slate.
IMO he leaves and is off to a new adventure. New everything. Nothing to remind him of me. Not saying it is easy or he doesn't miss certain things but he is not reminded constantly like I am.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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That's a great question, sunday. I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
I got xah out of our apartment because he became violent and scared me terribly. I wanted him to get help and get into rehab so that we could move forward as a family. He refused, and I have never let him back in.
In the meantime, he's been living in our family house in the US, with everything quite like we left it four years ago. All the toys are still in the living room, including the large playhouse, the wooden kitchen, musical instruments, etc. He sleeps in the bed that we shared with my clothing still in the dresser beside him.
And he won't give anything back to us. I have flown twice to the house and worked with lawyers and local police but each time his instinct is to barricade the house and not let me in. It is so sad. He is so sad. My kids will be visiting there in a fews days and it is really strange for them to see their former life preserved.
It must be easier for me. Xah only lived in our European apartment one year, so for three years it has been my home without him. I gave him all of his stuff back and gladly.
I think psychologically if you want to move on getting a fresh start has lots of merit. I have a new life in another culture, in another language with a community of friends that I adore.
I do miss very very much having a big garden and woods and a house for myself and the children. My dream was to move out of the apartment and get a little house further out of town, wrestle my favorite quirky bits of furniture and knick knacks out of my US house and ship them here where I could make a new home for my angels that brought elements of our past together with our current life.
I have slowly been letting up on that dream as xah refuses to budge and no one will rent to me here or let me buy anything until I have established myself more firmly.
I am emotional this morning because I leave for the US in 22 hours and have to face xah and try to get him to settle the divorce. I will be seeing our old friends and home and it's like going into enemy territory. People are angry that I left and feel sorry for xah. They didn't live through the violence and drunkenness of xah. All they see is a nice, sad man who plays his piano, grows tomatoes and misses his children, especially on Facebook.
If you kick someone out, you can feel like the bad guy. I certainly do at times. But I received a letter from social services saying we couldn't let the children live through another violent episode in our home and I knew that they were right.
Do you want to stay where you are, sunday? Do you ask because you are thinking about leaving yourself? It is very hard. (((Hugs)))
I got xah out of our apartment because he became violent and scared me terribly. I wanted him to get help and get into rehab so that we could move forward as a family. He refused, and I have never let him back in.
In the meantime, he's been living in our family house in the US, with everything quite like we left it four years ago. All the toys are still in the living room, including the large playhouse, the wooden kitchen, musical instruments, etc. He sleeps in the bed that we shared with my clothing still in the dresser beside him.
And he won't give anything back to us. I have flown twice to the house and worked with lawyers and local police but each time his instinct is to barricade the house and not let me in. It is so sad. He is so sad. My kids will be visiting there in a fews days and it is really strange for them to see their former life preserved.
It must be easier for me. Xah only lived in our European apartment one year, so for three years it has been my home without him. I gave him all of his stuff back and gladly.
I think psychologically if you want to move on getting a fresh start has lots of merit. I have a new life in another culture, in another language with a community of friends that I adore.
I do miss very very much having a big garden and woods and a house for myself and the children. My dream was to move out of the apartment and get a little house further out of town, wrestle my favorite quirky bits of furniture and knick knacks out of my US house and ship them here where I could make a new home for my angels that brought elements of our past together with our current life.
I have slowly been letting up on that dream as xah refuses to budge and no one will rent to me here or let me buy anything until I have established myself more firmly.
I am emotional this morning because I leave for the US in 22 hours and have to face xah and try to get him to settle the divorce. I will be seeing our old friends and home and it's like going into enemy territory. People are angry that I left and feel sorry for xah. They didn't live through the violence and drunkenness of xah. All they see is a nice, sad man who plays his piano, grows tomatoes and misses his children, especially on Facebook.
If you kick someone out, you can feel like the bad guy. I certainly do at times. But I received a letter from social services saying we couldn't let the children live through another violent episode in our home and I knew that they were right.
Do you want to stay where you are, sunday? Do you ask because you are thinking about leaving yourself? It is very hard. (((Hugs)))
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I made my husband leave, so I'm not sure what that qualifies me as in your context of person who is left or person who leaves.
For me, it's make a decision or have someone else make it for you. I'm the decision maker and I have to be because I have small children and my husband is an aggressive drunk. When we first separated it was difficult because I was scared. It was a big adjustment to live alone (with a baby and a toddler to boot!) and to let go of some of my dreams and comfort that I though I had. I was living with the illusion that I had support and help and to be honest having an extra body in my home does not equal support. In fact, having him gone has resulted in much more consistency in routines, more laughter, less fighting, etc. Basically it's improved my quality of life and for our children as well.
IMO, it's like saying that you hate broccoli when you haven't even tried it yet. Yes, it's green and it looks weird and it's scary to try new things sometimes, but you just might find that you like it once you try it. Being with an alcoholic is hard, so whether he leaves you or you leave him, the end result is the same. It's scary but maybe, just maybe it's better.
For me, it's make a decision or have someone else make it for you. I'm the decision maker and I have to be because I have small children and my husband is an aggressive drunk. When we first separated it was difficult because I was scared. It was a big adjustment to live alone (with a baby and a toddler to boot!) and to let go of some of my dreams and comfort that I though I had. I was living with the illusion that I had support and help and to be honest having an extra body in my home does not equal support. In fact, having him gone has resulted in much more consistency in routines, more laughter, less fighting, etc. Basically it's improved my quality of life and for our children as well.
IMO, it's like saying that you hate broccoli when you haven't even tried it yet. Yes, it's green and it looks weird and it's scary to try new things sometimes, but you just might find that you like it once you try it. Being with an alcoholic is hard, so whether he leaves you or you leave him, the end result is the same. It's scary but maybe, just maybe it's better.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Basically what I meant was ...
The person being left stays in the home where everyone lived together. They either have to ask other person to move or that person leaves them.
The person leaving is moving from the home to a new place.
Just trying to weigh the pros/cons of each situation. Obviously finances play a big part but just trying to discuss the emotional struggle and healing time.
The person being left stays in the home where everyone lived together. They either have to ask other person to move or that person leaves them.
The person leaving is moving from the home to a new place.
Just trying to weigh the pros/cons of each situation. Obviously finances play a big part but just trying to discuss the emotional struggle and healing time.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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I left. My ex stayed in the house. He owned it, but I had been the one taking care of it, buying curtains, planting a garden, painting, decorating, landscaping, putting up a clothesline. I was angry about having to just leave behind all that hard work because alcohol was more important to him than having a life with his family.
Starting over with nothing was not easy after leaving a life that had been so well-established. I had to move in with my mentally ill mother for several months while I got back on my feet. It would have been really easy to get on my little pity pot and whine about everything I lost. Instead I put that energy into building a new life. Focusing on my ex would be a waste of time. He is still drinking and deteriorating. Beyond that it really doesn't help me to know specific details.
Since you got to keep your house, why not work on some mini improvements that would have been pointless with an active alcoholic living there and tearing the place up? Head to the thrift store and pick up some new curtains or freshen up one of the rooms with a coat of paint in your favorite color.
It's easy to let yourself get into a funk of why me, self pitying thoughts, but it's also a huge waste of time. I'm not saying you'll never be sad, but there's no reason to pursue these trains of thought about who has it worse, or how you think he's doing in his new life. That's pretty much a recipe for misery.
Hugs. I know it's hard. No reason to make it worse for yourself.
Starting over with nothing was not easy after leaving a life that had been so well-established. I had to move in with my mentally ill mother for several months while I got back on my feet. It would have been really easy to get on my little pity pot and whine about everything I lost. Instead I put that energy into building a new life. Focusing on my ex would be a waste of time. He is still drinking and deteriorating. Beyond that it really doesn't help me to know specific details.
Since you got to keep your house, why not work on some mini improvements that would have been pointless with an active alcoholic living there and tearing the place up? Head to the thrift store and pick up some new curtains or freshen up one of the rooms with a coat of paint in your favorite color.
It's easy to let yourself get into a funk of why me, self pitying thoughts, but it's also a huge waste of time. I'm not saying you'll never be sad, but there's no reason to pursue these trains of thought about who has it worse, or how you think he's doing in his new life. That's pretty much a recipe for misery.
Hugs. I know it's hard. No reason to make it worse for yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Sunday---I have been thinking about your original question---who hurts the most--the one left or the one leaving?
I find that I cannot answer that question. At first, it looks like a fairly simple answer....but, as I think more deeply about it.....there are so many variables....and each individual situation so unique to it's own self that there is no universal answer that I can think of.
dandylion
I find that I cannot answer that question. At first, it looks like a fairly simple answer....but, as I think more deeply about it.....there are so many variables....and each individual situation so unique to it's own self that there is no universal answer that I can think of.
dandylion
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Great question & without thinking TOO deeply about it, my initial thoughts are that I think it is different for everyone. I think it differs depending on tons of factors - material/financial, children/logistics, personal ego (how it affects a person to "be left" vs. "choosing to leave"), whether you are attached to your home (I am, my father built it) or not, etc. There are probably a dozen or more additional reasons but those pop to mind immediately, for me personally at least.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Y'all are all right. It would depend on the situations.
The few times he has left I have always felt I had the hardest time. Even with his disease and problems he can always find a way to have fun, an adventure. Things I actually love about him. The other times he left I know he did miss me and living here and our pets and comfort here. He doesn't dwell on things like I do.
In this case I have the home but also the constant memories. He remodeled many things here and also promised/owed me more home improvements. When I see the things that need to be done I feel so darn stupid to ever have believed he would actually do them. He always had an excuse even if he didn't work for a couple of weeks to not do a project for me. Groan...
I can clean the place up. For the most part my A was a pigpen. Maybe I should have started on thread on how clean is your A? haha
The few times he has left I have always felt I had the hardest time. Even with his disease and problems he can always find a way to have fun, an adventure. Things I actually love about him. The other times he left I know he did miss me and living here and our pets and comfort here. He doesn't dwell on things like I do.
In this case I have the home but also the constant memories. He remodeled many things here and also promised/owed me more home improvements. When I see the things that need to be done I feel so darn stupid to ever have believed he would actually do them. He always had an excuse even if he didn't work for a couple of weeks to not do a project for me. Groan...
I can clean the place up. For the most part my A was a pigpen. Maybe I should have started on thread on how clean is your A? haha
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Sunday, I can relate to your house being full of reminders. My RA has done a lot of work on our house, and there are larger projects that we've done together. It would be very hard to not be reminded of him constantly if I were to stay here if we split up.
For me, in the past I would have said it would be infinitely harder to be left than to leave. I have always wanted to be the one making the decisions, and the one being left, to me, is the one who is going to be sadder--the leaver is getting what he/she wants (presumably) and the leavee is not.
I suspect I'd still feel that way today, but I'd also bring every recovery tool I had to bear on that feeling. I'd be working on acceptance, on communication w/my HP, on remembering the past as it truly was and not with rose-colored glasses, and most of all on moving ahead into new territory. I'd know I'd be sad, frightened, lonely and angry, and I'd try to have a support system in place for when, not if, I felt those things.
I'd like to think I'd do better w/that situation now than I would have a year and a half ago.
For me, in the past I would have said it would be infinitely harder to be left than to leave. I have always wanted to be the one making the decisions, and the one being left, to me, is the one who is going to be sadder--the leaver is getting what he/she wants (presumably) and the leavee is not.
I suspect I'd still feel that way today, but I'd also bring every recovery tool I had to bear on that feeling. I'd be working on acceptance, on communication w/my HP, on remembering the past as it truly was and not with rose-colored glasses, and most of all on moving ahead into new territory. I'd know I'd be sad, frightened, lonely and angry, and I'd try to have a support system in place for when, not if, I felt those things.
I'd like to think I'd do better w/that situation now than I would have a year and a half ago.
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LOL. That would be a doozy! Even toddlers will pick up their toys if you tell them its clean up time. With an A? You never know what state of chaos the house will be in. I hated walking downstairs in the morning and seeing that "Hurricane A" had blown through the night before. You never knew what you would find.
Then he would wake up in the afternoon, see the state of things and be genuinely surprised at the mess.
I did miss the house and some of the little life I'd tried to build, but I never missed the chaos and craziness his disease brought into our home. Enjoy the peace you have now. It is truly a blessing, and once you can let go of the shoulds, coulds and might have beens, you will cherish and treasure that serenity in your life.
Then he would wake up in the afternoon, see the state of things and be genuinely surprised at the mess.
I did miss the house and some of the little life I'd tried to build, but I never missed the chaos and craziness his disease brought into our home. Enjoy the peace you have now. It is truly a blessing, and once you can let go of the shoulds, coulds and might have beens, you will cherish and treasure that serenity in your life.
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Sunday9-
A great book that helped me when I was trying to sort some of this through was After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring.
It helped me to start sorting out what was mine, what was not, and most importantly what I was taking on that was not mine.
As I got a little bit into it I realized that my A for a variety of reasons looked like it was easier for him (regardless of who left or not) because he was not dealing with his feelings but hiding beneath the alcohol and affair and the "high" from them.
I was actually attempting to deal with the feelings, and as a result it looked messier, more emotional, and like I was struggling more.
A great book that helped me when I was trying to sort some of this through was After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring.
It helped me to start sorting out what was mine, what was not, and most importantly what I was taking on that was not mine.
As I got a little bit into it I realized that my A for a variety of reasons looked like it was easier for him (regardless of who left or not) because he was not dealing with his feelings but hiding beneath the alcohol and affair and the "high" from them.
I was actually attempting to deal with the feelings, and as a result it looked messier, more emotional, and like I was struggling more.
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Hurricane A ....hahahaha ......boy do I know what that storm is like!!
LifeRecovery - sounds like an interesting book. I agree that it is easier for the A because of course they do not deal with feelings. If he were to feel "bad" about what he has done to me or even think about it .....I guess he would need another drink?! And I mean that both serious and sarcastic.
LifeRecovery - sounds like an interesting book. I agree that it is easier for the A because of course they do not deal with feelings. If he were to feel "bad" about what he has done to me or even think about it .....I guess he would need another drink?! And I mean that both serious and sarcastic.
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I think LifeRecovery has a great point there. When you are truly working through your issues it can be hard and emotionally messy at times, but you will get the payoff of peace and health in the end. Where the A is still numbing and stuffing emotions, so on the surface they SEEM footloose and fancy free, but all that pain is still bubbling around inside them and they are not getting any real help for the underlying issues that cause their substance abuse. That carefree happiness is a mask.
I'll take real happiness and health any day, even if I have to experience the pain of true healing first.
Attending Alanon and individual therapy has helped me tremendously, though it hasn't been easy. I am one million percent better than I was at the end of my relationship.
I'll take real happiness and health any day, even if I have to experience the pain of true healing first.
Attending Alanon and individual therapy has helped me tremendously, though it hasn't been easy. I am one million percent better than I was at the end of my relationship.
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For the house...maybe start by doing something you would love and he would hate. Then you can smile when you look at it--not from spite--but because you placed your flag in the ground and claimed it...this is my place, my life, and this is who I am. It can be small and cheap, but it'll be a daily reminder of YOU.
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My X is allergic to cats. He kept turning up and my kids got a new kitty lol. I am also remodeling which pisses him off but eh... i dont care. Me and my girls even all traded bedrooms.
I stayed in the house bc i owned the equity. I sucked up a big amount of his student loans in the name of just getting it all over with. He moved to an apartment.
I stayed in the house bc i owned the equity. I sucked up a big amount of his student loans in the name of just getting it all over with. He moved to an apartment.
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I redecorated the entire house after he moved out. Slowly - painted every room myself. Rearranged all of the furniture. Bought some new as I could afford it. New window treatments as I was able, and so forth. It was therapeutic and I did everything just the way I wanted it without fear of criticism. Most all of the "bad juju" is gone.
Sunday you say you always get left. That implies that he always comes back. Is that what you want? Is keeping everything the same a way of keeping the connected feeling and in effect anticipating his return? It sounds like you are living in limbo, at the mercy of his decision to stay or go.
Sunday you say you always get left. That implies that he always comes back. Is that what you want? Is keeping everything the same a way of keeping the connected feeling and in effect anticipating his return? It sounds like you are living in limbo, at the mercy of his decision to stay or go.
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>> you say you always get left. That implies that he always comes back. Is that what you want? Is keeping everything the same a way of keeping the connected feeling and in effect anticipating his return? It sounds like you are living in limbo, at the mercy of his decision to stay or go.<<
Usually I have "grieve" for a couple of weeks. Then I start to really crawl out and start to work on me as well as my home. About that time he comes back. When I am not yet strong enough to say NO!
So yes, I am living in limbo now. Great way to put it. It should NOT be his decision after how cruel he has been this time. I see it, I know that....but I just don't want to be the one to end it all. But if he wants to come back -- I am so, so sick of feeling stupid and angry around him. How could I get past what he has been doing while he is in "no contact" with me?!
Usually I have "grieve" for a couple of weeks. Then I start to really crawl out and start to work on me as well as my home. About that time he comes back. When I am not yet strong enough to say NO!
So yes, I am living in limbo now. Great way to put it. It should NOT be his decision after how cruel he has been this time. I see it, I know that....but I just don't want to be the one to end it all. But if he wants to come back -- I am so, so sick of feeling stupid and angry around him. How could I get past what he has been doing while he is in "no contact" with me?!
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When my ex left, I burned his chair, we live in the country. I got rid of our bed and bought me a new one, I gave his dresser away and re did the house. It looked like my house when I was through. I did my bedroom in pink roses. I loved it. I have since remarried, but still have some things from when we were married. They don't bother me. I am glad it is all in the past. Breaking up is hard. We had been married 34 years. I don't really know who left who. I asked him to leave and he did. I had asked him to leave a lot of times and he had never done it before. I am glad he left, but it was hard.
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Originally Posted by sunday9 
How could I get past what he has been doing while he is in "no contact" with me?!
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