New and unsure....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6
New and unsure....
So I know that I need help. I drink too much. I'm the one girl that is always fun to be around. I'm the mom that is watching her kids play while enjoying a glass of wine on the porch. Nearly all of my friends are the same way. We work, come home, have a glass of wine/beer/cocktail whatever. My problem is that I rarely just have one. I will nurse one while the kids are up. Then I put the kids to bed and drink more. I know that I need to stop. I have stopped before and I felt so much better. My problem is a stupid one, but big: peer pressure. What about book club? I mean, it's basically us drinking wine and gossiping (sometimes talking about the book), what about girls night out (only happens every few months, but always involves drinking), what about BBQs with friends? -- this happens a lot and always involves drinking. I'm afraid to confess to my friends that I need to stop drinking. I'm afraid they'll think I'm weak or a bad mom. I'm just afraid. I don't know what to do. Any advice?
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Somewhere on the East Coast
Posts: 579
Mamaj - I'm not a mom but many of my friends are and I have a similar situation in that I was the "fun one". All my friends (most are moms) also had a similar "come home from work and have a glass of wine" routine and had no problem. And exactly the same with bookclub, girl's nights, group dinners..etc, etc. My friends didn't seem to have a problem but I did/do.
I only stopped a few weeks ago and so far the social outings with friends haven't been full of peer pressure like I would have thought. I simply said I thought I was drinking a little too much and wanted to take a break. And most people didn't really bat an eye. I got a few questions but nothing to the extent of "WHY?? Do you have a problem or something??" which is what I was afraid of.
I don't know if this is helpful, but I encourage you to own up to yourself if you do have a problem and want to quit. Everything else is just noise. And you just might be surprised by other people's responses. In fact, at least one of my good friends decided to take a break from drinking as well, and I NEVER would have guessed that she thought it was becoming an issue for her.
I only stopped a few weeks ago and so far the social outings with friends haven't been full of peer pressure like I would have thought. I simply said I thought I was drinking a little too much and wanted to take a break. And most people didn't really bat an eye. I got a few questions but nothing to the extent of "WHY?? Do you have a problem or something??" which is what I was afraid of.
I don't know if this is helpful, but I encourage you to own up to yourself if you do have a problem and want to quit. Everything else is just noise. And you just might be surprised by other people's responses. In fact, at least one of my good friends decided to take a break from drinking as well, and I NEVER would have guessed that she thought it was becoming an issue for her.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Anyone that quits drinking cannot be called weak. How can you be a bad mom when you're always ready to drive your kid to the emergency room. You don't have to "confess" anything. If they ask why: I got tired of it. Be the DD for the girls night out. Just change your choice of words a little bit. "I want to stop, I will stop"
Be strong and welcome.
Be strong and welcome.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Doing what you need to do to be the best mother for your children is not weak.
And, what you're looking at is what happens after you actually stop drinking. That's just the beginning when you have to make changes, often big changes in your life and lifestyle. FYI, I am 'between book clubs' because I have yet to find one that focuses solely on the book. In other words, you might need to change friends, activities,etc.
And, what you're looking at is what happens after you actually stop drinking. That's just the beginning when you have to make changes, often big changes in your life and lifestyle. FYI, I am 'between book clubs' because I have yet to find one that focuses solely on the book. In other words, you might need to change friends, activities,etc.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum mamaj!! 
I'd stop calling it book club then and start calling it "going for wine", which Sober people don't do anymore, in the same way going to whisky tasting festivals is off the table and going on pub crawls is. Sobriety calls for lifestyle changes.
You'll find loads of support here on SR, great to have you onboard!!
I'd stop calling it book club then and start calling it "going for wine", which Sober people don't do anymore, in the same way going to whisky tasting festivals is off the table and going on pub crawls is. Sobriety calls for lifestyle changes.
You'll find loads of support here on SR, great to have you onboard!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
surprisingly enough.... there are actually people who have book clubs and other such activities WITHOUT DRINKING!!
I know... I know... it sounds crazy. But it's actually true!
It's hard to wrap our heads around at first, when so much of what we've done and surrounded ourselves with has alcohol at the center. But, when you make a decision to follow a sober path and start getting down it a bit, you start to realize that the world is full of wonderful experiences that don't have any need for alcohol to enjoy.
you can do it!
I know... I know... it sounds crazy. But it's actually true!
It's hard to wrap our heads around at first, when so much of what we've done and surrounded ourselves with has alcohol at the center. But, when you make a decision to follow a sober path and start getting down it a bit, you start to realize that the world is full of wonderful experiences that don't have any need for alcohol to enjoy.
you can do it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6
Thank you all for your responses. I know what I need to do, I just wish I didn't have to, you know? I want to be able to go enjoy A (ONE) glass of wine with friends. I am having trouble understanding why I can't. Don't misunderstand me, I know that I can't and I don't really think I should try. I'm just wondering WHY. I should mention that I do have a strong family history of alcoholism on both sides, so I'm sure that contributes. But I also have family that enjoy an occasional glass of wine or drink and it's no big deal. Why me? I'm sorry- I sound awful and whiny and if I were my kid I'd tell me to quit whining. Any advice for getting through this part? I know that I have to get through and understand the why before I can fully commit to the how and the follow through.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
I had to cut "friends" out of my life that ended up being dangerous to my sobriety. I was afraid to do it because I thought they would be mad at me and I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings! I also thought I would be completely friendless. I see those excuses now for what they really were: I wasn't really ready to get sober. Once I stopped associating with people who triggered me to relapse I started to get better. I'm on day 94 without a drop of alcohol.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
I'm new at this, but you really don't have to give much of an explanation IMHO. A sentence or two that may be the absolute truth or not should be sufficient. Even some response like, "Later, I'm going to start with water." Once the gathering gets rolling nobody is going to notice.
Had to laugh about the book club because I've been in one for years. I guess we're one of the few that really does discuss the book. Obviously, other topics come up, but the central point of conversation is always the book. We always have wine and fine food, but not everyone in the group drinks. No big deal. To each is own and it's a total non issue.
Don't worry about what others think. Do what you think is best for you and your kids. Believe me, people will respect your decision.
Had to laugh about the book club because I've been in one for years. I guess we're one of the few that really does discuss the book. Obviously, other topics come up, but the central point of conversation is always the book. We always have wine and fine food, but not everyone in the group drinks. No big deal. To each is own and it's a total non issue.
Don't worry about what others think. Do what you think is best for you and your kids. Believe me, people will respect your decision.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Somewhere on the East Coast
Posts: 579
Well, I'm sure there are other here that can help better with the "why" than I can as I'm still new to this, so I will only say that I have had similar questions as you.
I don't have any history of alcoholism in my family. My parents are not drinkers. My father has the occasional beer with friends at a party but literally one or two at the most a few times a month. My siblings have a few glasses of wine at parties, nothing more.
I don't have a background of a terrible upbringing or anything else.
So I don't know WHY..i just know it is. So you're not the only one that questions it.
I don't have any history of alcoholism in my family. My parents are not drinkers. My father has the occasional beer with friends at a party but literally one or two at the most a few times a month. My siblings have a few glasses of wine at parties, nothing more.
I don't have a background of a terrible upbringing or anything else.
So I don't know WHY..i just know it is. So you're not the only one that questions it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
Why can't you have just 1? Because your brain is wired differently. Because it's a highly addictive drug. Because you don't feel that "ok I've had enough" feeling that "normal" drinkers feel to tell you to stop. Because it's not something you have control over. The only control you have is to say no to the first sip.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: MPLS, MN
Posts: 164
When I confessed my year long sobriety to people I got a handful of them message me back saying they are concerned about their drinking. One sounds just like you. And like I said to her a lot of people have similar situations. Whether it be beer instead of wine or bowling instead of book clubs. A lot of us had that uncertainty of what's on the other side and what will people think and how will I have fun? I'm pretty confident in saying that those of us that are a year or so past those confusing days can now look back and think the excuses for continuing were laughable. But to keep going is no joke. It will get worse. Drinking for the alcoholic is progressive. And once the seed of a problem is planted (which it is because here you are) the harder trying to maintain this lifestyle will become. It will become a heavy burden and will stress you out. It will be another thing to juggle.
From what I know only you can decide when enough is enough. Sounds like things aren't at the worst yet, unless you have done things you are not proud of but are not sharing. Waking up hungover then driving with the kids in tow. Getting loaded during the day while with them. Maybe getting too silly during girls night out and saying or doing something you regret. Either way, you don't have to say. But instances like these will progress and hopefully your rock bottom won't devastate your life too much. Mine came when I drove drunk with my 1.5 year old to the liquor store to get more booze. I went home, put her in her high chair so she was out of my way and guzzled my big bottle of fancy beer. Then I cried. And that was it. And this was after a few years of trying to control it. It never got any better. Just worse. I was able to escape without harming anyone but myself but some people don't and they maim their children by their actions or they get them taken away or something not good. Makes being the boring one at book club not sound so bad if your sitting in a jail cell or a hospital. I'm sure you can think of close calls you had, we all can, some here can tell their story of how their calls weren't close at all and had to pay dearly for their actions. It's the gamble we take when drinking.
But when it's out of the picture the weight is taken off. Seriously. The mind doesn't have to deal with that issue anymore. No need to think about did I have too much to drive? Will I have enough to last the night? Will I have a good place to get wine when on vacation? Should I have that 4th glass? Should I crack that second bottle? Will I be able to shake off the hangover tomorrow? Is this birthday party over yet so I can go home and sit on the couch BUT FIRST mommy needs her wine! You will be able to move on with your life. And that weight that is lifted off will give you strength. Do you know what's weak? Continuing to drink when knowing you have a problem. Stopping is strong. Taking a problem and conquering it is tough and beating it is some awesome stuff. And the best thing about being an alcoholic is that it never goes away. So you have to always be strong and that is awesome. I am so proud to be sober. I walk with my head held high. I'm pretty F'n cool these days. And we can even get into some vain stuff. Your body will be healthy, your features will brighten, your hair will be hairy. Point is that there is ZERO downside to sobriety. Will you be able to go to your bookclub and cookouts? Sure, but maybe not, it depends on how confident YOU are in your decision. For me I disappeared for a few months and though I'm back it't not in quite the capacity it once was but I know I will not drink and I know that sobriety is making me a better person so they can drink their beers after our ride I will not and I am perfectly cool with that. I've gone on long enough. I'm confident you will make the right choice. You got people that depend on you, including yourself. Best of luck!
From what I know only you can decide when enough is enough. Sounds like things aren't at the worst yet, unless you have done things you are not proud of but are not sharing. Waking up hungover then driving with the kids in tow. Getting loaded during the day while with them. Maybe getting too silly during girls night out and saying or doing something you regret. Either way, you don't have to say. But instances like these will progress and hopefully your rock bottom won't devastate your life too much. Mine came when I drove drunk with my 1.5 year old to the liquor store to get more booze. I went home, put her in her high chair so she was out of my way and guzzled my big bottle of fancy beer. Then I cried. And that was it. And this was after a few years of trying to control it. It never got any better. Just worse. I was able to escape without harming anyone but myself but some people don't and they maim their children by their actions or they get them taken away or something not good. Makes being the boring one at book club not sound so bad if your sitting in a jail cell or a hospital. I'm sure you can think of close calls you had, we all can, some here can tell their story of how their calls weren't close at all and had to pay dearly for their actions. It's the gamble we take when drinking.
But when it's out of the picture the weight is taken off. Seriously. The mind doesn't have to deal with that issue anymore. No need to think about did I have too much to drive? Will I have enough to last the night? Will I have a good place to get wine when on vacation? Should I have that 4th glass? Should I crack that second bottle? Will I be able to shake off the hangover tomorrow? Is this birthday party over yet so I can go home and sit on the couch BUT FIRST mommy needs her wine! You will be able to move on with your life. And that weight that is lifted off will give you strength. Do you know what's weak? Continuing to drink when knowing you have a problem. Stopping is strong. Taking a problem and conquering it is tough and beating it is some awesome stuff. And the best thing about being an alcoholic is that it never goes away. So you have to always be strong and that is awesome. I am so proud to be sober. I walk with my head held high. I'm pretty F'n cool these days. And we can even get into some vain stuff. Your body will be healthy, your features will brighten, your hair will be hairy. Point is that there is ZERO downside to sobriety. Will you be able to go to your bookclub and cookouts? Sure, but maybe not, it depends on how confident YOU are in your decision. For me I disappeared for a few months and though I'm back it't not in quite the capacity it once was but I know I will not drink and I know that sobriety is making me a better person so they can drink their beers after our ride I will not and I am perfectly cool with that. I've gone on long enough. I'm confident you will make the right choice. You got people that depend on you, including yourself. Best of luck!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6
Thank you 0percentABV -- your post made me cry happy tears of hope
yes, I have done things I regret while drunk. Many many many times. Probably things I don't even know that I regret. The worst thing is knowing that my kids are old enough to see and understand that I'm drinking. They have seen me drunk. That sucks. I wish it weren't so, but it is what it is. I'm going to stay strong so that they remember they have a strong mom, not just a mom who has a problem.
yes, I have done things I regret while drunk. Many many many times. Probably things I don't even know that I regret. The worst thing is knowing that my kids are old enough to see and understand that I'm drinking. They have seen me drunk. That sucks. I wish it weren't so, but it is what it is. I'm going to stay strong so that they remember they have a strong mom, not just a mom who has a problem.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome mama. It's great to have you with us.
I never dreamed I'd ever be able to stop my life long habit of drinking. When I came here I was overwhelmed by the encouragement I got. I was no longer alone! It meant everything. You can have a new life - and we will help. Glad you found us.
I never dreamed I'd ever be able to stop my life long habit of drinking. When I came here I was overwhelmed by the encouragement I got. I was no longer alone! It meant everything. You can have a new life - and we will help. Glad you found us.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
that was one powerful post 0percent! Thanks for that 
welcome mamaj
I'm coming on 2 mths in a few days and still struggle with that damned "w" question.
"WHY????? ME????", as do plenty of others. Somedays, I've driven myself mental trying to talk/think my way around it....nope. I have to stop asking and just start accepting that it JUST IS.
lol...yah - not an easy thing to do. Every day I have to work on that.
Please do not think you are weak, for it is quite the opposite!!! as many have said, admitting you have a problem, taking accountabilty and wanting to fix it make you a strong person. Not weak whatsoever. We truly are our own worst enemies when it comes time to give ourselves a big ole pat on the back eh? so twisted.
stay strong and keep posting!
welcome mamaj
I'm coming on 2 mths in a few days and still struggle with that damned "w" question.
"WHY????? ME????", as do plenty of others. Somedays, I've driven myself mental trying to talk/think my way around it....nope. I have to stop asking and just start accepting that it JUST IS.
lol...yah - not an easy thing to do. Every day I have to work on that.
Please do not think you are weak, for it is quite the opposite!!! as many have said, admitting you have a problem, taking accountabilty and wanting to fix it make you a strong person. Not weak whatsoever. We truly are our own worst enemies when it comes time to give ourselves a big ole pat on the back eh? so twisted.
stay strong and keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Hey mamaj! Welcome. I was in your spot one year ago. I understand how you feel. Knowing you need to make a big change but not really knowing if you have the guts and wherewithal is a disquieting feeling.
Have you read "The Sober Revolution: Women Call Time on Wine O'Clock"? I read it when I was in your spot and it gave me the confidence to change.
As for your friends, if they are normies, your stopping won't make a difference to them because normies can take or leave alcohol. If they are bothered or over-invested in your giving up alcohol, maybe you can be an encouragement to them.
Good luck. It can be done and it can be done by you. PM me if you want.m
Have you read "The Sober Revolution: Women Call Time on Wine O'Clock"? I read it when I was in your spot and it gave me the confidence to change.
As for your friends, if they are normies, your stopping won't make a difference to them because normies can take or leave alcohol. If they are bothered or over-invested in your giving up alcohol, maybe you can be an encouragement to them.
Good luck. It can be done and it can be done by you. PM me if you want.m
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 16
Hello to you! I can relate on many levels, I'm the "fun one" too, always the first to do a shot or make a joke, always "happy and smiling." Before my divorce a couple years ago we had a pool and the neighbors were over alot, I loved making the drinks for everyone, and after they left, it was never enough for me. I couldn't stop at a couple margaritas, I would polish off the rest of the wine and kept my drinking hidden. I'm not proud to say I often had vodka in my water bottles at the gym or park!
I didn't go out very often either but I did one night on a rare night my kids were at a sleepover, I never thought it would happen to me but I was pulled over and arrested for a DUI. I was mortified, I blew a .2 and didn't even feel drunk because my tolerance was so high. The repercussions have been high, a financial nightmare and I have an interlock on my car (1st offense it's required here in Texas!) I'm lucky I didn't hurt myself or anyone else that night. And I can't tell you what a loser I feel like pulling up to PTA meetings with a freaking blow machine on my car and hiding it from anyone that might see because I couldn't control my drinking. Don't let this happen to you! I'm on a path to sobriety now because my kids deserve better and so does my health, I've had to step away from triggers and friends that make me want to drink. It's tough but you can do it!!! You can do it!!!
I didn't go out very often either but I did one night on a rare night my kids were at a sleepover, I never thought it would happen to me but I was pulled over and arrested for a DUI. I was mortified, I blew a .2 and didn't even feel drunk because my tolerance was so high. The repercussions have been high, a financial nightmare and I have an interlock on my car (1st offense it's required here in Texas!) I'm lucky I didn't hurt myself or anyone else that night. And I can't tell you what a loser I feel like pulling up to PTA meetings with a freaking blow machine on my car and hiding it from anyone that might see because I couldn't control my drinking. Don't let this happen to you! I'm on a path to sobriety now because my kids deserve better and so does my health, I've had to step away from triggers and friends that make me want to drink. It's tough but you can do it!!! You can do it!!!
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