So Angry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
So Angry
The ExA wants to "introduce" his flames/people to our son who he barely knows himself. This makes me angry and I wish not to agree to it as he's treated me like a donkey for so long, I'm still in recovery from betrayal, cheating, lieing, stealing, abandonment issues, major verbal and emotional abuse and now he wants all of these rights to his son???? Who does he think he is... it's going to take time for me to agree to anything regarding my son and I shouldn't feel bad about it!! Also the ExA is so together now I just want to puke, where the hell was he when I needed him to be that together... how could he be together for another woman and not his own bloody wife, I am so angry and hurt I could explode right now, I want to cry from sadness. How could he be so together now! I feel like I am going CRAZY!! Please help.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I made my X agree to a morality clause that says unless one of us is married, no overnights with any girlfriends/boyfriends while the children are there. My atty said that is the best I can get, and I only got that b/c he agreed to it.
Breathe.
Breathe.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
This is one time I feel like I can say with certainty that more will be revealed.
I don't believe for one hot minute that he has now gotten his life together.
And he is yanking your chain about your son. I will bet his interest drops off when it comes to regular visitation.
for right now I would say that it would be too confusing and destabilizing to your son to be put in a whole new social milieu especially having new people acting in parental roles. I think I would just schedule son to be busy and unavailable and bet that he would not have the wherewithal to take it to court.
I don't believe for one hot minute that he has now gotten his life together.
And he is yanking your chain about your son. I will bet his interest drops off when it comes to regular visitation.
for right now I would say that it would be too confusing and destabilizing to your son to be put in a whole new social milieu especially having new people acting in parental roles. I think I would just schedule son to be busy and unavailable and bet that he would not have the wherewithal to take it to court.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 23
I'm sorry your feeling so angry, but he probably isn't as together as he's liking to portray. A have a wonderful way of creating facades with lies about anything and everything. It will crumble, you've witnessed it firsthand.
And for him to have a revolving door if flames he doesn't know... it just means they're not sticking around! So regardless of how he is making it seem, there is an ugly truth he hides.
And for him to have a revolving door if flames he doesn't know... it just means they're not sticking around! So regardless of how he is making it seem, there is an ugly truth he hides.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
This sounds more like he wants to rub these fly by night "relationships" in your face than anything to do with your son. That is not the behavior of someone who has it together. Agree with Live about calling his bluff. Just have your son busy with swim lessons or day camp or an art class or sports league and I bet your ex's quacking will fade away into background noise.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
First he is a jerk.
However, getting it together is the best place for him to be for you and your son. Sometimes people get it together on a different timeline than we would hope. "Together" is better than drunk.
Are you divorced from this man? If so what are the terms of your custody? No I would not offer up what he is asking because he has snapped his fingers. Trust is earned - I agree with the others things may not be what they seem so proceed with caution.
I am of the belief that the drunk and the sober are one in the same. So whilst he may not be drinking it doesn't mean that someone has annointed him Mother Theresa either. IMO these other women are in receipt of your damaged goods and good luck to em they are going to need it.
However, getting it together is the best place for him to be for you and your son. Sometimes people get it together on a different timeline than we would hope. "Together" is better than drunk.
Are you divorced from this man? If so what are the terms of your custody? No I would not offer up what he is asking because he has snapped his fingers. Trust is earned - I agree with the others things may not be what they seem so proceed with caution.
I am of the belief that the drunk and the sober are one in the same. So whilst he may not be drinking it doesn't mean that someone has annointed him Mother Theresa either. IMO these other women are in receipt of your damaged goods and good luck to em they are going to need it.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
You have every right to be angry. It's a poor example that your XA wants to present to your son.
I thought the same thing with AXH when he moved in with a GF. I was angry, hurt; the depression I was trying to pull myself out of got worse. It sucked. And it was all because I believed him. And this was knowing that lying and manipulation were his main modes of operation.
The truth was: he hadn't pulled it together; he was just hiding it more because he was trying to impress her - and me. And, really, he was just hiding it from me, because the GF didn't believe he had a drinking problem. They were drinking together, going out to drink, and drinking at home a lot. What's a BBQ without a few? Special dinner for the new partner - needs special drinks... (Facebook was h*ll and I eventually blocked both of them.) The times he got incredibly intoxicated without her drinking with him, he was able to blame on me, the b-tchy ex-wife (not so ex at the time, but she didn't know that). When I finally filed for divorce, I got earfuls from her about what a horrible woman and mother I was and that I drove AXH to drink, so I'm fairly certain that was the way it was being played.
I knew he lied to me about just about everything else and I shouldn't have believed his facade of "I'm all better now, for (or because of) her. I didn't do it for you, but I managed to do it for her." Just because it hurt like h*ll, didn't make it true. And he wasn't able to keep his act together.
If your XA isn't actively working towards recovery, he won't be able to hold it together either. Hang in there. You can get through this.
Originally Posted by killerinstinct 
How could he be so together now!
The truth was: he hadn't pulled it together; he was just hiding it more because he was trying to impress her - and me. And, really, he was just hiding it from me, because the GF didn't believe he had a drinking problem. They were drinking together, going out to drink, and drinking at home a lot. What's a BBQ without a few? Special dinner for the new partner - needs special drinks... (Facebook was h*ll and I eventually blocked both of them.) The times he got incredibly intoxicated without her drinking with him, he was able to blame on me, the b-tchy ex-wife (not so ex at the time, but she didn't know that). When I finally filed for divorce, I got earfuls from her about what a horrible woman and mother I was and that I drove AXH to drink, so I'm fairly certain that was the way it was being played.
I knew he lied to me about just about everything else and I shouldn't have believed his facade of "I'm all better now, for (or because of) her. I didn't do it for you, but I managed to do it for her." Just because it hurt like h*ll, didn't make it true. And he wasn't able to keep his act together.
If your XA isn't actively working towards recovery, he won't be able to hold it together either. Hang in there. You can get through this.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Hi Guys, I am scared of him. Now he is threatening to take legal action. All I want is some bloody space to heal! Why cant he just **** off and give me space I need and not threaten me! ~Has he not done enough.. Cheating, lying, deceiving, stealing, betrayal, abuse, neglect, slander, gossip, ridicule, humiliation, shame, embarrassment... and now I am being threatened because he isn't getting instant results! Because he isn't getting an okay and I am saying well I am not okay and I need time to think about it... I hope to God that any judge, solicitor or court he deals with sees how abusive he is and protects me and my son. I am praying for this. FYI, my son has been in my care since he was born and his father has seen him about 30 times in 18 months.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Can you get a legal consultation? Find out your rights here. Knowledge can be a very effective weapon against fear, especially when someone is threatening you. Once you know your rights and what he can and cannot do, legally speaking, it will be easier for you to protect your son.
Does he pay any child support? My ex never has and I've used that as my trump card when he starts making noise about his rights. I say OK, let's go to court and I'll sue for back child support. Shuts him down every time.
Does he pay any child support? My ex never has and I've used that as my trump card when he starts making noise about his rights. I say OK, let's go to court and I'll sue for back child support. Shuts him down every time.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
He started paying a few months ago after I caught him out looking after another woman and her children. Does anyone else here feel awfully guilty for defending themselves, for standing up for them selves, for speaking their truth. I feel so horrible that I am being honest about how I feel to him, I don't want to hurt him, I hate it.. But I have to remind myself that there is so much that I don't know about him.. so much sneaky behaviour... so much he got away with behind my back, so much I didn't deserve. . that's the only thing that gets me through the day without feeling crazy. I also feel awful for healing myself and getting on with my life and letting him go, I feel bad for him because I know what he's lost and wish he could see it. I just feel awful for looking after me. I told him how I really felt about him and that was nice, to release it all... and necessary so it doesn't come up in the future again. God I never planned this for my life..: this has been so awful for everyone.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
KillerInstinct, breathe. Deep breath.
My AXH used to threaten me that he'd take DS and I'd never see him again. I was terrified. When I finally filed for divorce, he didn't even try to do that. It had been a bluff. What he ended up doing was voluntarily giving up legal custody, because he didn't want that responsibility. (And I'm almost certain he thought it meant he wouldn't have to pay child support then.)
Have you kept, or can you pull together, a journal outlining when he's actually visited, paid anything towards child support, attended dr. appts, etc? Promises to do any of that and either following thru or failing to?
I started keeping one after I left AXH and it helped to show the court how inconsistent he was about everything except lying and failing to do anything he'd promised.
You're going to be OK; you already are. ((((hugs))))
My AXH used to threaten me that he'd take DS and I'd never see him again. I was terrified. When I finally filed for divorce, he didn't even try to do that. It had been a bluff. What he ended up doing was voluntarily giving up legal custody, because he didn't want that responsibility. (And I'm almost certain he thought it meant he wouldn't have to pay child support then.)
Have you kept, or can you pull together, a journal outlining when he's actually visited, paid anything towards child support, attended dr. appts, etc? Promises to do any of that and either following thru or failing to?
I started keeping one after I left AXH and it helped to show the court how inconsistent he was about everything except lying and failing to do anything he'd promised.
You're going to be OK; you already are. ((((hugs))))
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You don't want to hurt him, feel bad for him... for what? He didn't give a rat's a$$ about you when he was doing all of those things, and he still doesn't now. You're showing more compassion to someone who has abused you in so many ways, but you won't show yourself an ounce of that same care. He's not somewhere fretting over what's going to happen to you, and yet here you are giving all of your thoughts tohim. Do you see how backwards this is? All of that care and attention should be on you and your son, not that dbag. His act is just that, an act. It'll all fall apart soon enough. It always does
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Tucson Arizona
Posts: 23
Killerinstinct, hang in there. I have a lot of experience with this. XA's always paint a rosey picture of their "new" life. Do you ever notice that they are ALWAYS thinking they have a better life now that the Ex is out of the picture and that they were the way they were with us because of us? It's a total lie!
I do feel your pain however. I'm the one that chose to leave my ah but at times it does hurt when they shove a new relationship in your face but I think that is just natural because we spent so much of our emotional time trying to help them that we feel betrayed when they just act like all is well.
My story might help a little. When I kicked my xah out he managed to move in with a girl after a few months. I told him I was happy for him and he tried to shove it in my face by saying, "thanks for being so civil, the kids are going to so much enjoy all the family vacations with us". A month after living with her, he was engaged. Then, he had to start TASC testing for visitation rights and as soon as his mind got a little clear he realized what he was doing and came crying back to me about wanting to reconcile (UHgain) saying he wanted to put our family back together. I said no, that the divorce needed to proceed but I would be supportive from a distance while he worked his recovery. Two hospital stays later, an eviction, a car repossession and sexual indecency charge against him he moved back home with Mommy (he's 40). He continued to tell me how much he loved me and missed us and 2 weeks later he is engaged to another woman and to get married 2 1/2 months later (I think he gets married in about 1 1/2 months). When I found out I congratulated him via text. But here's the kicker, he is so mean to me since he's gotten engage, he calls me a crazy bitch, etc. Yet I've done absolutely nothing to him. I know he is drinking and probably not as much as he'd like while he tries to impress the new love. I know for sure he is truly not happy because he is still looking to me to vent his anger. He can't vent towards her (yet) because he needs to secure his situation so she can enable him. My point is, that your ex is NOT together, he's painting an image of that because that is what he'd like to be...together. I have found through these forum that so many a's are textbook and unless they never take another drink again and work their recovery for the rest of their lives they will always be chasing a dream that will truly never satisfy them.
So, he can say he's together but he's not and it's only a matter of time before he ruins someone else's life. I would suggest you stay out of his way and let him crumble on his own. Everytime my exah got together with someone I just felt sorry for that person because a's can be very charming and suck people in but they can never maintain the facade. Now, I just think to myself, well, he's that persons problem now and I get out of the way because if I don't he will continue to use me as an outlet for his anger and lies.
Think about this, if exah are soooo happy and together without you, why do they feel the need to talk smack and demean and get angry? I know when I'm truly happy, I do not feel the need to be mean to anyone. Sorry this long but our lives all have long-drawn-out drama when we involved ourselves with a's.
I do feel your pain however. I'm the one that chose to leave my ah but at times it does hurt when they shove a new relationship in your face but I think that is just natural because we spent so much of our emotional time trying to help them that we feel betrayed when they just act like all is well.
My story might help a little. When I kicked my xah out he managed to move in with a girl after a few months. I told him I was happy for him and he tried to shove it in my face by saying, "thanks for being so civil, the kids are going to so much enjoy all the family vacations with us". A month after living with her, he was engaged. Then, he had to start TASC testing for visitation rights and as soon as his mind got a little clear he realized what he was doing and came crying back to me about wanting to reconcile (UHgain) saying he wanted to put our family back together. I said no, that the divorce needed to proceed but I would be supportive from a distance while he worked his recovery. Two hospital stays later, an eviction, a car repossession and sexual indecency charge against him he moved back home with Mommy (he's 40). He continued to tell me how much he loved me and missed us and 2 weeks later he is engaged to another woman and to get married 2 1/2 months later (I think he gets married in about 1 1/2 months). When I found out I congratulated him via text. But here's the kicker, he is so mean to me since he's gotten engage, he calls me a crazy bitch, etc. Yet I've done absolutely nothing to him. I know he is drinking and probably not as much as he'd like while he tries to impress the new love. I know for sure he is truly not happy because he is still looking to me to vent his anger. He can't vent towards her (yet) because he needs to secure his situation so she can enable him. My point is, that your ex is NOT together, he's painting an image of that because that is what he'd like to be...together. I have found through these forum that so many a's are textbook and unless they never take another drink again and work their recovery for the rest of their lives they will always be chasing a dream that will truly never satisfy them.
So, he can say he's together but he's not and it's only a matter of time before he ruins someone else's life. I would suggest you stay out of his way and let him crumble on his own. Everytime my exah got together with someone I just felt sorry for that person because a's can be very charming and suck people in but they can never maintain the facade. Now, I just think to myself, well, he's that persons problem now and I get out of the way because if I don't he will continue to use me as an outlet for his anger and lies.
Think about this, if exah are soooo happy and together without you, why do they feel the need to talk smack and demean and get angry? I know when I'm truly happy, I do not feel the need to be mean to anyone. Sorry this long but our lives all have long-drawn-out drama when we involved ourselves with a's.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 105
I can relate to so much of this. I am having a relatively ok day and haven't cried. That said, I do feel a bit ....jealous?.......of what he and this AGF are doing when he hasn't even officially decided if he is moving from here or not. I say "he" because even tho right now I feel very battered and shocked at how he could just disappear and not contact me for 4 days and be with this woman for almost a week......no matter how strong and happy I might become ...I am so afraid I will let him back!!!! how could I want to be with a man like that??? How dare he do something so cruel and mean to me after I have basically supported him and been there for him for so long?! But then it happens to many relationships with and w/o As .....the person who loves the most usually gets hurt the most.
I am sure he is telling the AGF how happy and peaceful his "drinking" is with her and he has it under control because it was ME that was making him angry when he drank. I am mad at myself for giving him that "out" and being his scapegoat in all this. So I am wishing I had been more ok with his actions......all the while knowing how crappy he has been treating me for the past year.....all the while knowing I was treating him worse too. See what I mean??? That is how I argue with myself. Crazy but I think some of you understand and hate that feeling as much as I do. It just overwhelms me. I haven't had it today yet but so, so nervous it could pop out at anytime.
And for all this mess I am dealing with one thing is certain --NWGRITS said it so well -- he sure isn't giving a rats ass thought to me these days. That alone should make me kick him so out of here!!
I am sure he is telling the AGF how happy and peaceful his "drinking" is with her and he has it under control because it was ME that was making him angry when he drank. I am mad at myself for giving him that "out" and being his scapegoat in all this. So I am wishing I had been more ok with his actions......all the while knowing how crappy he has been treating me for the past year.....all the while knowing I was treating him worse too. See what I mean??? That is how I argue with myself. Crazy but I think some of you understand and hate that feeling as much as I do. It just overwhelms me. I haven't had it today yet but so, so nervous it could pop out at anytime.
And for all this mess I am dealing with one thing is certain --NWGRITS said it so well -- he sure isn't giving a rats ass thought to me these days. That alone should make me kick him so out of here!!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Tucson Arizona
Posts: 23
It can be tough but just remember that you have done nothing wrong and no matter what you say or do is not going to change him in the end.
I went through the full range of how to handle my situation when I was married. I did everything from fight with him on his drinking to accepting his drinking and just letting it run off my back but it didn't matter which angle I took, it ultimately ended up that it wasn't about me. In otherwords, I could be as angry and mean to him as I could over his drinking or I could be the perfect accepting wife over his drinking and in the long run, THEY still turn up miserable.
It really comes down to how YOU chose to live. If you want to be the perfect accepting significant other of an alcoholic then that is the life you chose and you can't complain about. Sadly and ultimately, it will turn your world upside down. Or you can move on and deal with the grieving process, which to me is not nearly as bad as a lifetime of living with alcoholism.
These forums have helped me a lot because no matter what, we normies still doubt ourselves and our decisions on whether there was something we could have done to make the situation better. I'm beginning to think that all alcoholic has some sort of secret spell that they cast on their victims because we all seem beat up ourselves on what is it that we could have done better...crazy, I know.
I went through the full range of how to handle my situation when I was married. I did everything from fight with him on his drinking to accepting his drinking and just letting it run off my back but it didn't matter which angle I took, it ultimately ended up that it wasn't about me. In otherwords, I could be as angry and mean to him as I could over his drinking or I could be the perfect accepting wife over his drinking and in the long run, THEY still turn up miserable.
It really comes down to how YOU chose to live. If you want to be the perfect accepting significant other of an alcoholic then that is the life you chose and you can't complain about. Sadly and ultimately, it will turn your world upside down. Or you can move on and deal with the grieving process, which to me is not nearly as bad as a lifetime of living with alcoholism.
These forums have helped me a lot because no matter what, we normies still doubt ourselves and our decisions on whether there was something we could have done to make the situation better. I'm beginning to think that all alcoholic has some sort of secret spell that they cast on their victims because we all seem beat up ourselves on what is it that we could have done better...crazy, I know.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Tucson Arizona
Posts: 23
Oh, another thing that I wanted to mention about how baffling it is to deal with a A is that, in my case, it didn't seem to matter what was happening in our lives the booze always came first.
For example, at one point our business was very successful, we had 3 beautiful boys (he had a child from a previous girlfriend and we had 2 together) we had lots of money, a beautiful home, he had a beautiful wife that loved him very much and all seemed right in the world and yet out of the blue when he was in a manic phase he was sneaking out one morning with my stepson and leaving me for another woman he met 2 weeks previous. One of my previous posts explains that whole ordeal but my point is, you couldn't have put a more perfect life in front of someone but because that life was dealt to an alcoholic they know exactly how to screw it up and us normies just don't get it so we start to question ourselves...the insanity is overwhelming!
For example, at one point our business was very successful, we had 3 beautiful boys (he had a child from a previous girlfriend and we had 2 together) we had lots of money, a beautiful home, he had a beautiful wife that loved him very much and all seemed right in the world and yet out of the blue when he was in a manic phase he was sneaking out one morning with my stepson and leaving me for another woman he met 2 weeks previous. One of my previous posts explains that whole ordeal but my point is, you couldn't have put a more perfect life in front of someone but because that life was dealt to an alcoholic they know exactly how to screw it up and us normies just don't get it so we start to question ourselves...the insanity is overwhelming!
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