sunday9

My ABF who has lived with me for years has been gone since Saturday night. He is with another woman. He knows I can put up with about anything but other women. I made him move before because of that. Even the times when he and I are not intimate - it is still what I expect.

Monday he wanted to come home --his excuse for being with her is the anger I feel toward him and how I react to what he does being out of control. he couldn't be around it anymore. He says I blame the poor way I handle all this on him when it is my choice to handle it like I do, etc. He has always used this angle when I am upset but now he is more confident about it and places more of his anger and blame on me and my reactions. I suspect he may discuss it with her and of course she will agree and encourage him to blame me more. unfortunately she has seen me at my worst in a manic argument with him because of the drinking. It was all about the drinking for me...he knew it and hated that. I see now I was trying to control it ...much, much, too much. I am seeing his point -- I truly do take my reactions way over the top. I won't let things go and continue to push his buttons.

There was so much pain and anger in his eyes toward me when he was here Monday. I told him it was too soon for us to make a decision about his moving back . He said he had nowhere else to go than back to her house and did not want to go there. He can't afford a motel. As crazy as that sounds - it is correct. So I was pushing him back to her so 'we" could get space and peace for us?? Something wrong with that picture.

He is not using this time to think about me and where and what went wrong. He was going to come back to talk more on Tuesday and I haven't heard a thing from him. Tomorrow is the 4th. He and his new friend probably have plans. I am envious of the fun, happy man that he might be with her.

I'm not even focusing on that both these people are As. My ABF is a huge, hardcore drinker who is at the lowest I've ever seen him.....however this lady may be helping him!! He may see clearly now that it was my fault he was so bad and his life getting worse. Me!! I am the one who wanted to help him, put up with craziness for so long and just wanted a little fun sometimes too. Maybe he can have "good" drunks with her or maybe he is not drinking with her as much if at all.

I also wanted it to be about me sometimes. It is always what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. He leaves because he can't have peace and I am ruining his good times. If he had tried to calm me down and make me feel special I might not have been as monster like when he picked up that first beer. But now that I am alone and can do all those "about me" things - I don't want them. I want him back!! Did I really say that? Do I really mean that??? AUGH

A normal person would NEVER consider taking him back. I am in constant battle with myself.....it's my fault, no it isn't......you want him back, no you don't....and so on...

He has left a few other times. it is always painful for him. He always hugs me when he leaves. Not this time. He'll call to check on me, says he misses me and the pets, loves me....wants to come home. I can count that he will call me when he is at a certain point in his drinking. Not this time and yes, it is driving me crazy! Literally. Of course he had never moved in with a woman before either. He doesn't need me for anything now.

So how mixed up is this that I - in his mind - and at times in my mind - might be a bigger mess than the A?

CodeJob

Sunday,

Read around and up in the stickies threads. You are not alone in how conflicted you feel about your thoughts.

Be well.

FireSprite

I can relate to the feeling of being equal or more of a dysfunctional mess than my AH was by the time I sought recovery.

I had definitely changed, little by little, in so many ways as a result of living with an active alcoholic, that by the time I really saw my side of the street I seriously did not recognize who I had become.

And I didn't LIKE the woman staring at me in the mirror... at ALL. That scared me a LOT honestly, more than almost any other part of dealing with addiction. I realized that I would never control or predict who he was becoming or where we would end up (together/apart) but I could decide to get back to being a person that *I* liked & wanted to be around.

((((hugs)))) to you. Reading this post I have to ask, what are YOU getting out of this relationship to make it worth fighting for?

sunday9

What am I getting out of this relationship? I definitely will think about that today! I really have to dig deep for answers if that tells you anything.

And I don't like who I have become either as a result of his A. He can spin it, flip it, blame me but I would not be the loon I am now if he was not drinking all the time.

amy55

Your post brought me back to my old days. I had got gotten to the point in my marriage where I couldn't think of anything else except how am I going to get him to do what I want so that I could feel like I was in a loving relationship. After all, I read all the books, I went to therapy, I used these techniques on him. I tried to fix all the stuff that was wrong with me. I tried, and tried, and tried.

This one day when I was still yet again trying to explain how I felt about something, He said to me "Who are you going to blame your miserable life on, once I leave?" I responded, "I don't think my life would be miserable if you left". Well with that he "ran away" from home again.

I just sat there. I was numb, but I kept thinking of what he said to me.
"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO BLAME YOUR MISERABLE LIFE ON, ONCE I LEAVE?"

I thought about a life without him there.

I thought about what I was doing with my life now.

Here I was spending each and every day spinning my own head trying to think of ways to:

Make him love me
Make him want me
Make him understand that I am hurting
Make him want to be with me
Just make him treat me like a human being !!!!!

Then I thought, why would I want this. If he doesn't want to be with me, or love me, why would I try to make someone do that? And here I am spinning my head everyday, and I was willing to accept the last one. JUST TREAT ME LIKE A HUMAN BEING.

I saw that I was willing to accept any crumbs at all from him, and I just got tired of it.

I then for some reason got in the mood to clean. OK, but what should I clean. I figured that I would be really nice to him, and gather some stuff for him, since he left without a change of clothes, no toothbrush, he left with nothing. I figured the clothes that he left with the other times that he "ran away" from home were probably dirty, so I wanted to make sure that he had enough clean clothes since when he would "run away" it would be for more then a month or so. So I got out that black hefty garbage bag, and filled it up.
I threw in some extra shoes for him as well, and sneakers and sandals. I just wanted him to have everything, I didn't want him to want for anything.

So I finished packing his bags, put them outside, then made myself a cup of tea and watched a movie.

Don't be fooled. "Runners" have some place to go, if they didn't, they wouldn't be "runners". I also realized that it was his choice to where he wanted to "run" to.

Maybe do some closet cleaning today.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

hopeful4

Sunday, pull the focus back to you. Part of him having to deal with his consequences is this. I am betting he has a male friend he could stay with, or family? If not, why? Look at the big picture of this. He went running to another woman's arms. While that is a horrible thing, it should tell you some things about his character.

Tight Hugs my friend.

redatlanta

He keeps you on a short leash. Take the collar off.

The best I can read into this relationship ABF offers you a sh!t sandwich and you eat. Why? Because its a habit. Its what you are used to. You are so beat down that its easier to cave than to must up the energy to do something different. Throw a little hope in there on top of it - maybe things will be different, maybe THIS time....yes this may be the time he gets it together.

Proven fact with an active A is that nothing changes for the long haul. Spurts of good behavior appear when necessary, but as with all action by an a, is done for a purpose not because it is what they really feel.

You've got a man here that has no respect for you. The history of the relationship is like a skipping record - every time he leaves whether it be to be with another woman or just to go on a binge you have taken him back. There is zero accountability. He can do whatever he wants and with a tear in his eye and pleading that if you dont' take him in he is homeless. Boo Hoo.

Yes we most definitely can be beat down to being as sick as they are.

You are worth more than this. I think you know that but don't feel it. It takes time to change - I recommend attending Al Anon to help you overcome what's going on in your own head. You deserve sanity and it can be yours.

Sorry you are going through this, sending prayers and thoughts your way for strength.

marie1960

Big, big hugs to you Sunday.

I am sorry you are feeling so sh!tty. But I'm right there with you.

Instead of jumping from chair to chair on this sinking titanic, maybe it's time we climb into the lifeboat and paddle towards the shore.

I have pretty much read it all on these boards, but the bottom line they are all the effin same. Self absorbed, selfish, lying, manipulating, out of control, lie, lie, deny, shift the blame, addicts. They are NOT dealing in REALITY. They could not tell the truth if their hair was on fire.

So his most recent email went something like this, this is not word for word just the highlights.........

I love you, like no other,.......... and he went on to say............ none of this would have happened, had I not went away to that concert that weekend, (with my daughters). I really needed you, and you were to wrapped up in your life to stop and see how I was struggling. Also, please do not be mad or angry with the 21 year old, she really is quite innocent in all of this, and as soon as her internship is over, and she leaves for college, I swear I am going to turn this around, I will get the help, that we both know I need. oh and the best part......... he truly VALUES the honest relationship we share.



Sorry, but I read his words and busted out laughing, is he truly that batsh!t crazy to think, he is going to worm his way back into my life,? Just for today, and tomorrow is looking the same........ I would prefer him to take a long walk off a very short pier.............

While I know I should not read his emails, ( i do not reply) the last one truly offered me some clarity. And yes my feelings and ego are hurt, but Sunday, we will be ok, we just have to give ourselves permission to go forward.

Just breathe, my friend.

m1k3

An Al-Anon saying we can all relate to.

Alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages.


Your friend,

sunday9

I adore everyone's ideas and examples. It is so wonderful we all can relate and understand each other so well. You all really know me.

I am much better and had a decent day. I am afraid that any minute I will relapse in my addiction to this addict and become a bumbling, insane, needy, crybaby again. For now I will just enjoy my "sobriety."

He does not have any male friends he could stay out. He has worn out his welcome and lost most of his friends and family. If not for this woman he would have never left and would still be here because he has nowhere else to go.

I am guessing since she is also an A that if/when they fight she will need the same "forgive & forget" attitude he needs so the next day they will start fresh. She can be ok with it. He will love that and that will reinforce in his mind how much it was my fault and how perfect this chickie is

hopeful4

Whatever he needs to do, let him. Like you said, hes burned his bridges, there is a reason for that.

Stay strong!

LifeRecovery

Sunday-

It was an affair by my husband that finally got me dealing with the alcohol use that had been a concern for a long time.

Gently you have shown him just how much you will put up with....and it might be more then you realize. Him not having a place to stay "except" his "affair partner's home" is not your doing, it is his. He burned the relationship bridges, as a consequence of his affair, he can not stay with you. That is a consequence of his behavior....you have little to do with it.

Also when I was in the midst of the early part of recovery, I treated my loved ones "feelings" with kid gloves. His behavior was awful, but it was because "he had so many strong feelings he had not dealt with."

That was a way for me of keeping the focus on him....when I was so worked up about him and his feelings I did not have to pay attention and feel my own. He was taking up so much head space that I was not living my own life, because I was spending so much time trying to "fix" his feelings, life, make it so he would not drink etc.

When I started treating my feelings as important (and equal in weight to his) I started to get better.

So how are you feeling today? What are you doing for yourself on this holiday? You have a loved one who is an alcoholic and is the midst of an affair, how are you doing with that?

sunday9

LifeRecovery -- so much you said just hit the mark. Even tho it hurts like hell to focus on him - especially now by wondering what "they" are doing - in some ways it is a way to avoid my own personal mess I have now. It is going to be huge to get my life back.

No real plans today. Maybe go eat with a friend. I have very few memories of good holidays spent with the ABF because he either got too drunk and ruined them or was hung-over and invisible the whole day. The few good ones tho were outstanding. I guess with most As the highs are so high.....lows are so low.... I haven't had a "high" in a long, long time.

honeypig

Or not.

It seems to me that someone needs to be the grownup in a relationship, and since there likely isn't anyone doing that job in this particular one, it also seems likely to me that it will blow up spectacularly at some point in the not-too-distant future. When that happens, you'll probably be pretty damn grateful you're outside the range of the flying debris!

FeelingGreat

That shows amazing insight Sunday. You don't get over a long relationship overnight, and you're going to take some time feeling lonely, wishing he was back, blaming yourself then blaming him.

Putting aside how you reacted to him drinking, it was a huge problem for you and not one you can live with peacefully. It's how normal healthy people react. Even if he came back, and you said nothing, would the problems in your relationship go away?

Have a happy 4th July. Hope you get out of the house and get some fresh air.

sunday9

>It seems to me that someone needs to be the grownup in a relationship, and since there likely isn't anyone doing that job in this particular one, it also seems likely to me that it will blow up spectacularly at some point in the not-too-distant future. When that happens, you'll probably be pretty damn grateful you're outside the range of the flying debris!>>

And I will be worried he will plead with me to forgive him, I was right about everything including her, this proves how much he loves me, etc. blah, blah if they do have a falling out.

I was the grown-up all the time. I couldn't even relax and have a few drinks because the minute i did he was doing something so stupid I would have to snap out of my relaxing and take care of the situation. I was the bad guy who reminded him maybe he shouldn't spend $ on beer when bills were due. I was the one who made him be quiet on weeknights to not disturb neighbors. I mean things most kids would no better - he didn't. He didn't like that I considered drinking a 12 pack "partying" when he said it was just a "few" beers. That put a lot of stress on me because I don't like having to wear that kind of hat all the time. I could do it maybe a couple of nights a week but I needed rest, peace, normal too. I told him that all the time.

honeypig

He may very well plead w/you to forgive him, blah blah, quack quack, and so on. That in no way means you HAVE to do so! In Alanon, they say "NO is a complete sentence!", and you have every right to say that sentence to him as often as needed.

You sound as if you have indeed been being the grownup in so many ways. Wouldn't it be nice to not have to ride herd on an adult who shouldn't NEED to be treated like a naughty toddler? The power is in your hands, whenever you decide you're ready to use it.

Do you feel kinda like Wonder Woman, knowing that??

dandylion

sunday---One good way to know if an alcoholic is full of crap when when they come with their sweet and seductive words......just tell them "no" about something. In a split second they will go from dripping sweet words to spouting vile.
Addicts who are manipulating to get their way do become unhappy toddlers when they are frustrated. They want what they want and they want it NOW. The mature consideration of other peoples needs and rights is not, generally, their strong suit.

dandylion

Bernadette777

My friends,

My heart aches for you, please know your aren't alone and I'll be praying very hard for your hearts to feel better. I felt all you Said. they The A-s are children. i remember feeling then same way. I'm sitting here, just had some tea & just finished throwing out the trash. Then hit it me...we gotta throw out the trash. This month was really the happiest I ever was in a relationship with my exAbf 2 years ago. But it's progressive -"Mr. 4th of July has lost his firework effects" I can't lie, I gotta work hard this summer to fight some memories trying to make me do the "-I forgive you phone call/text" . I know that God above knows that I forgive my exAbf & even if I don't say it to the exAbf, I forgive him & pray for him but I know no contact is a clear choice I make everyday to keep myself safe from his drama world. Stay strong my friends...i read some of your thread/posts and saw the one written on July 4th. I'll see you on the shore- get out of the rafts... The land feels good. Love to you all. Bernadette777, xoxo big big hugs(((((((())))))))

amy55

Hi sunday,

I've been thinking about you. I've put myself back into that period of time that you are going through now, (don't worry, it's good for me to revisit, lol), I never want to forget it.

There were so many things that I couldn't think of back then, and I couldn't see how things were affecting me, because my mind wasn't on me, it was on him.

So I was thinking today----- Why would I put myself into a "limbo" or "hostage" situation?

What was so d@mn special about him? Well this question is easy to answer, the answer is there was nothing special about him.

So why the h3ll would I pine away for him for so long?

This question is a lot harder. I'm thinking that if I even thought about it back then, I really didn't want him back. When I would try to think about the "why?" then, my head just automatically went back to the "merry-go-round" of thinking that I thought of when he was around, and I couldn't think at all. It just left me in a state of total confusion. I just wanted him back.

To tell the truth right now, I don't really think that I did want him back, in fact I know that I didn't. I didn't want the life back that I was living. I knew that was the only life that I would ever have with him, so what was I really doing and thinking then?????

I'm still confused about this. (lol)

I think I wanted to come back so that he could give me back all of the love and the trust that I gave to him. I wanted to hold all of that in my hand then rip it all up and throw it in his face. (Vindictive a little bit? I also wanted that validation, I wanted to be "right")

But I was digging myself into a hole that got deeper and deeper and deeper.

When he came back, all of that stuff, the vindictiveness, validation, etc, went right out the window, that wasn't me. I just stayed on that "merry-go-round". I knew things weren't working, I knew things would never work, and I just waited around, and walked on eggshells waiting for the next explosion. Wash, rinse, repeat......

I already knew that I couldn't talk to him. H3ll if nothing worked for 20 years why would it start working now?

He may have loved me, he may not have. He wasn't capable of the love that I needed !!!!!

I had to accept that.

Beautiful day today !!!!!! What are you doing for you today?