patricia68

I am tired of doing this, I am tired of Day 1s. But at the same time I'm determined to get rid of my addictions.

I remember how it feels to be sober. I remember living without this fear and anxiety 24/7 and I want that back!

Why do I keep making the same mistakes over and over?

I know I need to spend more time relaxing and enjoying the moment and yet I keep making this endless "to do" lists only to get me frustrated and exhausted at the end of the day. And after a few days/weeks I feel like I'm spinning out of control and I run to the liquor store...

I know I need to quit smoking, nicotine is the #1 cause of my anxiety and yet...I smoke almost 2 packs a day.

And then I have a meltdown, I cry and hate myself, so I take a benzo and 30 minutes later life is good again...

I've been doing this for a year now, I stop drinking for a few weeks and then the whole vicious circle starts again...I am so frustrated!

I've read the Big Book, a little bit of it...and it just doesn't "speak" to me. I tried meditating, going for walks, the whole natural remedy thing...it works, until I have a bad day and then it doesn't work anymore.

I tried counseling...all I get is a new prescription for more addictive chemicals...

I guess I have to keep trying. Right now I am angry at myself, anger is a good motivator I guess...

Thank you for listening...

Raider

Well we keep doing the same thing because we are addicts. Keep trying. I have had my share of Day one's. A lot of us have. Keep pushing through. One day it will stick. If you stop trying, you lose. And you are not a loser Sweetie.

bookmaven

Accept the fact that you have a substance use disorder. It's not your fault you are addicted to highly addictive substances. What you ARE responsible for is the choice to use or not use, smoke or not smoke, drink or not drink.

I've had my share of day 1's also. Once I accepted that I could not have 1 drink or risk jail, the mental hospital, or death is finally when I could choose to say no. And I still have to make that choice every day. You can only live one day at a time. I choose to remain sober today. I will probably choose to stay sober tomorrow too, but by the time tomorrow gets here it's already today, and I can stay sober today.

PurpleKnight

Go at it again, you'll get there!!

Are you getting enough support? meetings? etc . . . if the plan hasn't been working up until now, it might adjusted!!

You can do this!!

Dee74

Hi Patricia

for me it was all about making new decisions. Sometimes the energy to do that is far greater than the energy would be to go get a bottle - but it really is worth it.

Have a sober support network and use it - it really helps when you feel vulnerable. What about joining the Class of July support thread?

D

Nonsensical

Maybe, maybe not. Stopping alcohol consumption after a long period of frequent use causes a considerable amount of anxiety for a few months. I'm not defending smoking, I'm just saying you might be underestimating the effects of alcohol on anxiety.

I used to think that after a day or two of abstinence the effects of the alcohol were out of my system. This simply isn't true. It takes months. That was why I kept making that same mistake over and over and over...I didn't realize alcohol was causing the anxiety I was feeling. I thought it was helping by giving me temporary relief. In reality, it was making the anxiety worse- and more difficult to quit.

If you wanna stop feeling like you're spinning out of control - stop drinking for 3 months and see what happens.

You can do this.

doggonecarl

A couple of weeks ago you posted about the cause of your relapses. You wrote, "To me: To think I can have "just" one glass."

Which reads to me like you aren't ready to quit drinking. Not forever.

patricia68

I just realized that this is my main problem. It is Step 1 right? Admitting that one cannot control one's addiction or compulsion.

When I first read about step 1 I thought it made sense. But I didn't really believe it. Pride maybe? Not being able to accept that I am vulnerable?

My husband drinks occasionally, my 80 year old dad can control his drinking, my "cool" friends drink a glass or two on weekends and they all look so happy about their lives...

Why can't I? I am not weak, or mentally ill. I am smart, attractive, moderately successful...I can't be having a ''flaw"!

This last relapse and all your replies to my post made me realize that until I actually "believe" that I have an addiction problem I won't be able to move forward.

Thank you.

patricia68

I think you are right Carl. Forever is a terrifying word for me.

IOAA2

It sunk in when I got honest with myself about MY drinking and changed the word believe to ACCEPT that I could not drink in safety.
I asked “why me?” and the old timers always responded “why not you?”

BE WELL

ElleDee

I am the "Day 1 Queen." Everything you're saying sounds like me. A couple of weeks sober and then something causes me to think I need to run to the liquor store. It's how we are.

I was going to an occasional meeting, sometimes once a week and nothing more. So I was bound to relapse. I'm going to meetings every day now (trying to do 90 in 90) and seeking a sponsor to help me with the 12 steps and to stay accountable.

If you don't like AA, there are other things out there but for me I realized that I needed to try something new if I wanted to be sober.

gvrecovery

Yes I too have had way too many day 1's, and it sucks. I just keep trying, and pray that this time sobriety is forever.

FreeOwl

the Big Book never really "spoke to me" either.

But I've read it through - including all the personal accounts - at least four times. And have read some sections more than that.

I don't go to AA all the time. But I've gone quite a bit.

For me, a key part of finally coming to terms with and accepting the 'being different' and 'not drinking' rested in really 'hearing' the stories enough and finally beginning to see the parallels between my own history and the stories of so many others.

Finally coming to a point where I really internalized how counter to LIFE my relationship with alcohol really was. Finally getting to a point where I could see that to CHOOSE SOBRIETY was the thing that I actually, really, WANTED.

As long as I resisted those stories in the Big Book, as long as I told myself "those people' were different than me, I was continuing to harbor a secret wish that someday it would be different. Hell, even now sometimes that voice is there. The difference is that I see it and acknowledge it and ask myself truly "but why? why would I want that? I don't want that anymore. i want my life to be lived and to be felt and to be joyous and to be painful and to be REAL".

It took ACTION to get there. It took going to meetings, reading the Big Book, failing many times over, becoming sick of 'day one'.

You can do it.... take action. What will you do differently this time around? What have you been resisting? Sometimes, the things we resist the most are the things we most need.

doggonecarl

I can understand that. That's probably why so many folks focus on just be sober for today. Forever was too intimidating.

Different case for me. As I was doing my recovery work, it became quite clear that I hadn't been a "normal" drinker for years and years, and despite my constant trying otherwise, I was never going to be a normal drinker. Therefore, I could never drink. So in a weird way, that was extremely liberating for me. I never had to worry about my drinking as long as I never drank.

Forever. It's easier to embrace than you realize. Just let go of alcohol. Quit fighting with the idea that you can drink.

hokey

Thanks Carl! That hit the nail right on the head!

Nonsensical

It was for me, too. Sadly, it was more terrifying than the thought of wrecking my life and tearing my family apart in the process. It's completely illogical (now) but that addiction digs deep roots in the brain and messes with everything it touches.

patricia68

That's brilliant Carl! Thank you!

ScottFromWI

It was for me too until I figured out that I was mainly just terrified about the unknown. Other than those who face severe withdrawals requring medical supervision, no one NEEDS to drink. You yourself have made it through many days completely abstaining from alcohol without any permanent harm. Sure initial withdrawals stink, but after they are done each and every one of us is physically possible of doing anything we choose without drinking - that's a fact. Where we get hung up is with the irriational fear that we somehow won't be able to do ( insert anything here ) without drinking. But we already know we can, and we prove it with every day sober, even if it's just a few.

For me the final piece in the puzzle was accepting that i cannot drink responsibly, ever - and I never will be able to. I've proven that with dozens of failed moderation attempts. And once I realized that i can do anything - literally anything, without drinking ( in fact most things better ) it all fell into place.

bookmaven

Thinking that I could not use again, forever and ever was what kept me drunk. We can only not drink one day at a time. I can stay sober today.