Rosiepetal

So as I'm going to court over the school holidays with XH and the next round of holidays are just about hit here I asked my lawyer for advice.
I have a 2007 agreement that says holidays be shared equally. This was never adhered to by XH.
He has made the holidays difficult for the past 71/2 years and here I am again.
I applied tot he court back in 2009 because of the problems & because of his abuse & we went through counselling & a new agreement was drawn up but it left out all the school holidays because they weren't agreed on.
I asked my lawyer yesterday what my rights were & she advised that there was no agreement so there was nothing to enforce.
Also she suggested the court would prob expect us to come to agreement.
So I thought I would have ago (dreading the ususal saga of all previous holidays)
I advised XH I had 1st week covered & wd he like the 2nd week.
He declined.
I advised I would make the children available for his contact weekend in the middle of the holidays.
He didn't reply.
He txt this morning to say he expected them the weds overnight & the following Thurs overnight (this has never been agreed to). I said no as no agreement has been reached on that.
He said he would turn up at my house with the police to collect the children as there is no clause saying he can't have them.
WTF?
Stress.
I advised him to seek legal advice as I have & he replied see you Wednesday.
I have gone straight to my lawyer & emailed her just what I told you & asked if he was within his rights to do this & where I stood. Waiting to hear.
The last thing I want is the girls witnessing Mum & Dad fighting over them & the police involved.
I think I need to sit them down tonight & just tell them that as no agreement has been reached & it going through the courts that they will have weekend only contact over the holidays.
They go to him tonight so who knows what he'll feed them.
Any advice?
I do know a parenting agreement can't be enforced by law so I am safe there, an order can be & that's what we will have in place when this is all over.

chicory

My goodness Rosiepetal, you surely have had enough stress over this haven't you? It is so hard when the children are involved and you are such a good mom to want to keep them from being witnessing any conflict.

I hope and pray that somehow, your ex will want to work things out for the childrens sake. it does not have to be this way, does it?

Rosiepetal

In a way I feel the system has let us down.
The counselling was rushed through in 2009 cause the counsellor was due to leave & go to another job & the holidays were removed.
Knowing what the XH is like though I don't think he'd ever agree to anything I want.
I did not go through this process back then because I wasn't strong enough & to be honest I probably was being controlled by him.
Now he started the court process rolling after being absent for 21/2 years & I had no choice but to follow through the court system. This process is now 1 year on.
When the hearing goes ahead & the judge decides what should happen in the holidays I will accept whatever the outcome is & I will stick to it & it will be a blessing to know where I stand & even more importantly create stability & continuity for the children.
The only time we haven't had problems has been when he was abroad.
Please God let the court see right through him & his empty threats & controlling manor.

chicory

You are a good momma, Rosie. Stability is so important. With a decision, you will be able to let go of a lot of stress...you and the children will be in my prayers, and for the court decision to come out better than you could even wish.

lillamy

Having everything on paper as a court decision will make things easier -- but don't expect him to abide by it. My ex kept wanting to sidestep the court agreement -- most of the time because he didn't want the kids because having them interfered with his life. I accepted and took note, and that helped me get full custody of them when we went back to court.

Rosiepetal

Yes one of my friends alerted me to that.
I am hoping that a court order will scare him into thinking he has to stick to it?
She actually suggested seeing if I could get some kind of bond agreement in place so if he breaches then he picks up the cost, not me.

Rosiepetal

Can't the court see the inconsistency?
Goes for shared custody, wants more time, then when offered holidays won't take them??
Says it all really doesn't it?

Rosiepetal

Gosh I am very very stressed out friends.
Liaised with lawyer who said he would have to apply to court for an order & then get a warrant for police to action anything.
She also said that he may or may not get it.
I'm beside myself, I don't know where I stand or what to do, I'm stressed, confused & on the verge of tears.
I am already going through the court process, there is no holiday agreement yet he can apply to the court.
For what? There is no agreement.
I am not denying access as he is still having a contact weekend over holidays.
Lawyer said I could just give in & give him what he wants but why the hell should I?
I'm fighting against it & if I give it now won't it go against me in caught cause I'd already bowed down to him & what he wants?
I feel cheated & don't know where to put myself.
Help.

Praying

Lawyers infuriate me. My friend's lawyer told her that for a year, but she held her ground. (She ultimately got it because in that year he was even more ridiculous, and the kids' counselor said it wasn't healthy.)

I'm sorry this is so hard. The courts are still pretty blind to reality in these types of situations, which is probably why your lawyer says forget it. But you can decide if it's worth it. If you eventually lose, you can refile...or decide if it's not that bad and walking away helps you detach.

There's no right answer, only you can tell it...but I'm so sorry that it STINKS!

In my experience, he does this just because. I think of it as swinging punches while you go down. Can I grab some control, can I hurt her, something. Fight long enough and he might go away...another gamble.

Take care and breathe! You can do this!

hopeful4

Rosie, do you have a Guardian Ad Lideum (sp?)

I know my sister and her husband could not get ANYTHING done in a custody battle w/out having a Guardian, and it being a good one. It was a long and expensive process, but well worth it. And here both parents have to split the cost of that.

I am sorry friend. I am praying for you.

Rosiepetal

Have had time to think.
I've decided not to give in.
The reason for this is if I do, everything that I'm fighting for in court I will have just handed over to him.
I will stick to my guns.
If he goes to the court & gets an order (which I don't think is likely) & I am issued with paperwork then of course I will agree. The police would only get involved if I denied access & I won't if paperwork issued.
On the day he swears he will turn up on my doorstep with the police I will make sure I am not here, nor my children to avoid a very nasty scene in front of them.
I will also include this scenario in my affidavit to prove how communication is so poor & it will also show that he threatened me with police action that he had no right to do.
I still feel yuck but it is a process I have to go through.

hopeful4

Good for you. Praying for you and your children!

Wahine

Rosie, good for you for maintaining boundaries. I found tons of helpful information on Facebook at "One Mom's Battle.' There is also a web site. My L said she was very impressed with my visitation schedule I wrote up for pending D. It is 7 pages n I may add more. Remember, you are doing this for your kids. Once you get court ordered visitation schedule, make copies and give them to the school and any place kids are without you. Also keep a copy in the car.