Are Feelings Facts?

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Old 07-02-2014, 02:39 PM
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Are Feelings Facts?

I got this yesterday and found that although it is aimed at abusive/pathological relationships it fits the bill pretty well around here too.

If you're having codie relapse feelings about missing the good ole days or using your magical "what if" feelings to think about reconciliation or even second guessing yourself about if you've made the right decision....This article is for you

(Mostly aimed at women, but could apply to either gender)


Are Feelings Facts?
By Sandra L. Brown, MA

Women don't know whether to trust what they feel or not. Are you confused over whether feelings are factual or if they are fictional? You're not alone. Women struggle where to draw the line between believing what they think and questioning it.

On one hand, feelings can be red flags in the beginning or in the midst of the relationship. Red flags can be emotional, physical, or spiritual warnings of what is happening or what is yet to be.

Emotional red flags are feelings you get while in the relationship--constant worry, dread, wondering, suspicion, anxiety, depression, or obsession. Often other people in your life quickly notice the emotional red flags and they point out that you have changed since the relationship began--and not for the good. Lots of times women don't want to hear about their emotional changes since being in the relationship. Other times, women already KNOW they are having emotional red flags about him or aspects of the relationship. In either case, it's important to know that emotional red flags can be GOOD PREDICTORS OF THE POTENTIAL LONGEVITY OF THE RELATIONSHIP. Many women notice that the red flags they had at the beginning of the relationship ARE the reasons the relationship eventually ended. So, emotional red flags can be great tools and are often accurate.

Waiting for feelings to "become facts" before you act on them can be very dangerous. In the case of emotional red flags (and your intuition), responding NOW instead of later can help you exit the relationship quickly. By the time a feeling IS A FACT, many things could have happened. (For more information on red flags, see the first few chapters of How to Spot a Dangerous Man.)

ON THE OTHER HAND (there's always an "other hand" isn't there?)--women wonder if the intense feelings they are having are an indicator of "true love". Why else would they be having them? A woman often experiences confusing emotions when trouble starts in the relationship. She either becomes confused when the relationship turns bad or she becomes confused when she has ended the relationship. This confusion takes the form of "if he was so mean to me, why do I still have feelings for him? I must still love him if I can't stop thinking about him, even if he did bad things. Do my feelings mean I should get back together with him?"

In these cases, feelings are not facts. It is human nature to seek attachment and bonding. When that is ripped away there is an emptiness that happens. Women often think that means that they were in love if they experience the aftermath of loss when it just really means you are feeling the loss.

Women often think that since they "miss the good times of the relationship," they must miss him. Most often, what women are actually missing are the feelings that were generated in the relationship when it was good. Women miss that feeling of being "in love" or "attached" or "wanted and desired" or "safe and secure." When women can sort out what they really miss, they often can see that HE represented those feelings she was having. She misses the feelings of the illusion of being in a good relationship. Missing "him" might not really be "missing him." Who is "him"--the dangerous man/cheater/liar/pathological? You miss that "him"? No. You miss the feelings of being in love.

Tell yourself: "What I am missing are the feelings of being in a good relationship." Remind yourself of that when you misinterpret those feelings as meaning you "want him back." Often that isn't the case. Recognize that this very "feeling" thing is what propels women right back out there seeking to feel loved again, and attach to those feelings you are missing. It places women at high risk of repeating the same mistake.

Here--try this. Draw a line down the middle of a paper. On one side, list the feelings you miss having. On the other side, list the dangerous man traits/behaviors/incidents. Now take a look. Which do you really miss?

Feelings can be accurate when we are getting red flags in the relationship. Feelings can be inaccurate when we are gauging whether to return to the relationship because we think we "miss" him when in fact, what we miss are the feelings that were generated in the relationship. Feelings can be inaccurate when we are gauging the intensity and equate that with love or something healthy in the relationship. Understanding the importance of "feelings" in all stages of a relationship can help you recognize just what your feelings are telling you and when to heed them and when to be a little suspicious of their messages to you!
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Old 07-02-2014, 03:13 PM
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Kind of funny from the other side of things -- Mentally Ill A's, that is.

For successful recovery, they often have to learn that their feelings ARE NOT Facts.

Same coin, other side.
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Old 07-02-2014, 05:55 PM
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Good article, thanks for posting it!

It took me a long time (and a Buddhist coworker) to understand that just because I feel a particular feeling doesn't mean I have to act in a particular way. I can feel sorry for an alcoholic without wanting to have him ruin my life and our children's lives.
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Old 07-02-2014, 06:17 PM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Good article, thanks for posting it!

It took me a long time (and a Buddhist coworker) to understand that just because I feel a particular feeling doesn't mean I have to act in a particular way. I can feel sorry for an alcoholic without wanting to have him ruin my life and our children's lives.
Filling out attorney forms and having THOSE same exact thoughts.
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Old 07-03-2014, 05:21 AM
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>>If you're having codie relapse feelings about missing the good ole days or using your magical "what if" feelings to think about reconciliation or even second guessing yourself about if you've made the right decision....This article is for you <<

And that would be me......

Since my ABF has "left" to be with his new lady I cannot stop second guessing myself. He wanted to come back home but since I was not ready for that he had no where to go but to her house. So I literally pushed him further into her life while knowing space was what we needed for our relationship at this time. I had asked him to leave because of her and now he was with her because I wouldn't let him back. And I am miserable and they are happy. Irony!

I am in such an emotional mess. I probably don't want him back ....I want those feelings this described. My mind keeps racing and scanning our good times, his good qualities.. How could that not have been enough for me to balance the 3-5x week marathon drinking and all the trauma that brings?? Trying to make my part in this destruction larger than it should ever be. Yet I am doing just that.

Two days ago I was almost laughing about thanking her for taking him off my hands. Now I am focusing on what they might be doing, how happy he must be, their excitement of a new relationship, etc.

My feelings are not helping me now. Wish they would all go away! ha!!
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Old 07-03-2014, 07:30 AM
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THANK YOU! thank you for posting this. My fears about leaving ABF are centered around my "feelings/facts"

I am terrified I will miss him, and regret my decision. But every night I go to bed unhappy, I wake up having to tip toe around so I won't get yelled at. I come home after work every day wondering what will happen when I get home. I have to hear from the sitter (small town...) and other people how he tells all his friends/family that he doesn't nothing but take care of our daughter and provide for us, when really he is always drinking, picking up marijuana for others/himself, and when he does go to the grocery store he buys like $20 worth of beer/food and takes out $100 cash for more alcohol/weed without his dad (watches his account) knowing.


No one should have to live with all of this hiding/lying/lurking.

I want to print out this article and hang it at my desk lol
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Old 07-03-2014, 07:55 AM
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Blossom - I feel the same way! I'm so scared of making the wrong choice. Especially when I look back over things and see that right now, this very moment, things aren't that bad. But at the same time I'm tired of living this way. Back and forth, back and forth..

Sunday - I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I don't know anything about what your relationship was like, but something tells me it won't be all peaches for her either! In fact doesn't it say something that as a grown man, his only choice of a way to take care of himself is to run from person to person instead of owning up, being an adult and learning to take care of himself? Your hurt is there because you're actually processing your feelings. Its SUCKS, but at least you'll come out knowing what you're made of! He didn't do anything but sweep them all under the rug and expect someone else to fill all his holes of insecurity. Not so impressive in my book. Hugs!
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