GardenMama

Things with my heroin AD are the same, a month later. She is still sleeping in the woods, still using (a lot, according to her ABF), and still being oh-so-particular about where she goes to treatment. Today she turned down a bed in a long-term, dual diagnosis women's rehab (that helps with housing & jobs after!) because they told her she would have to quit cold turkey (according to her report) when she arrived. [Duh.] She told my youngest, who is still trying to save her addict sister, that she needed "cool turkey." Goldilocks, anyone?

I feel sarcastic writing this, but you all know how painfully sad it feels underneath that thin veneer of sarcastic frustration. I just need some prayers and energy. I am worn thin and feel really exposed and tender these past few days. Navigating my own detachment while trying to help my youngest understand she can't really help her sister, dealing with all the repercussions and constant worry...I am depleted.

I am not in regular contact with my AD, so that is good. I did send an angry text over the weekend in response to a request of hers. I said I was done with her "dancing around recovery" and that I would be there for her in a heartbeat when she lets me know she needs a ride or is already in a treatment center. I realized yesterday that some recent back troubles of mine are very emotional, and also a result of too much gardening, which I do to try to focus my heart elsewhere! Bummer all around. Now I just go out and look at my garden...not the same, but it helps a little.

Sorry to rant. I just needed a shout out for some SR loving care.

Ann

GardenMama, what you said is loving and motherly, even if you said it in anger. You are saying that when she is ready for help, real help, you will be there and until then you are not going to help her justify her using and avoid recovery.

I know your pain and sadness, please take very good care of yourself because I also know your "physical" pain when stressed.

Keeping you and your daughter in my prayers and also your other daughter who is surely in pain as well watching addiction destroy people she loves.

Hugs

hopeful4

GM....sending you much love and many hugs. I cannot even begin to imagine. I hope you feel better both emoationally and physically very soon.

Tight Tight Hugs.

biminiblue

This comes from a place of surrender or acceptance, which is a very healthy place for you to be. It was preceded by anger, denial, depression, bargaining.

Now the work can begin. Now you are beginning to heal yourself. Well done.

zoso77

GM,

When I'm under extreme duress, my lower back is a mess. I'm fortunate enough to have a masseuse who I see regularly, and I had days a few years back when she would beat the crap out of my back and then pull on my legs to get me into proper alignment. If you can, see if you can find a local masseuse who can give you some relief.

Hang in there.

Ann

Oh I agree with Zoso, my doctor prescribes massage therapy so I am lucky my medical plan pays for it...but even if it did not, it's a wonderful way to de-stress.

Treat yourself, GardenMama, you deserve it.

Hugs

greeteachday

A very gentle hug since your back is messed up, but know you are in my thoughts and prayers, as is your daughter. It's really hard to watch the self destruction and so sad, but I'm glad you are letting her find her own way and not making it easy for her to continue down the path she has chosen. Eventually her choices will be more painful than "cold turkey" - I just hope for all of you, that it comes sooner rather than later.

If you can't get to a masseuse right away, I hope a nice hot shower and some soothing thoughts will help to loosen your back.

Ilovemysonjj

Hi Garden mama, sending loving hugs and warm breezes to you. It is such a difficult thing engaging with the addiction. Your youngest will come to terms with her boundaries as she experiences let downs and frustrations. Both of my younger kids have pretty much disengaged with their brother. It sounds like she isnt ready yet. Thats the really hard part, I know. BUT you sound like you have come so far from where YOU started and that is good! Please take care of yourself and know that your youngest will decide on her own when she is ready to let go. Its okay as long as the older one is not manipulating her into helping her get her drugs.

Praying

Hi...I just wanted to send some hugs and prayers your way tonight. I don't have anything wonderful to say...other than I'm thinking of you.

My kids often ask if there's anyone on SR in need of their prayers...so you'll get a few extra special ones tonight as well.

Big hugs.

needingabreak

Hi GardenMama. Thanks for the update.
Sometimes the distancing is best, not just for you but the addict as well. We had to do this with our son as well. We just couldn't handle the stress and drama watching it unfold. That was when he hit a turning point, when we bowed out.
Prayers for you and your son. I hope you get something done for your back. I too have a bad lower back and the chiropractor was what helped. Hugs

Twofish

Hi GM,
I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your family. I can feel you are hurting inside and out. The drug train overwhelms us. It never gives anyone a break.
I see nothing you did that was wrong. Our children are addicts. This is sad and frustrating. We want so badly to help them...but sometimes they don't want that help and return to that evil drug that controls them. She will be ready when she desires it, wants it.
Your back hurting doesn't help much either. Maybe that hot shower can relax it and your tired mind. Try to breathe. You and your child will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight. Please know you are not alone.
TF

GardenMama

Thanks to each of you for your support and suggestions. My back feels better tonight, especially after a hot shower and a long cry. I will get a massage--thanks for the reminder--and have been to a great chiropractor this week twice. I will heal, it is just such a hard journey to weather right now.

Lotusangel

GM, I hope you are doing better. You have come a long way and have set an important boundary. Sometimes I use sarcasm or jokes to just to get by otherwise, I would be the crazy one all the time. I try not to let the anger take over me for a long time because then comes more depression and cynicism of life in general. I don't want to rain on everyone else's parade just because things aren't perfect in my life.

Our children are our children. We can't to love them and always expect that their lives will be better, that where the frustration comes in because it is our expectation of them and when we want them to learn or do things…our timeline. Unfortunately, we have to learn to accept that we have no control over when they have had enough. It makes me sad, too.

For today, I am blessed to have a home and family. My son, too, is on his own time line. Seeing that you have been firm in your position makes me feel a little stronger. I still have a little more to let go to be in a better position, but I guess that will come in time.

Please take care and keep us updated. Hoping for the best always.

Vale

We're glad your back feels better,GM.