Brave

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-brave.html

There's my original thread above... it's been a little while since I posted. I just want to thank everyone who posted on that thread. You all helped me more than you could possibly know.

Well, an update.. we have been separated for about 7 months now. I'm moving out of my sister and brother in law's house and into my own apartment at the end of the month. I'm excited, hopeful, as well as terrified and unsure. I've never handled change really well. This whole thing sure has been an upheaval for me.

I'm still seeing my own counselor, and she's been just wonderful. I'm not rushing things, and I hope that clarity will come with enough time and healing (it has to, right??) I've been reading and working on myself, taking time for friends, family, hobbies and I'm so BUSY! Which is good.

My husband is still not drinking. 6 months sober for him now. He's still attending counseling for drinking/ anger and working on himself (still no AA though). He's made a great deal of effort and progress. I just don't know if it'll stick, and I don't know if I'll ever be sure enough to give it another try with him. I love him, but I feel like I've been through the wringer. I just don't know if I'm truly even capable of giving him a fresh start. We are on friendly terms and have discussed working on a dissolution divorce, but decided not to make any decisions until fall.

I can't totally verbalize it but-- there's just something, a little bit of resolve in me that keeps me pushing forward, even though I'm not 100% what the heck I'm doing.

We were discussing my move the other day and he said, "I don't want this. I've changed, I'm not the same guy I used to be." 2 years ago that would have been music to my ears. And I know that he believes it. I just can't seem to convince myself.

amy55

Hi Brave,

Welcome back, great update, and thanks for that. I do think about you a lot. I know that I can be completely honest with you, and that you can take it. I just remember reading your story when you first came here, and your marriage scared me more then my own did.

I think you are going to love your own apartment. You'll be able to make it your own. Living alone, taking care of things yourself, well I never did this either before, and I was terrified of that. Then I realized the only reason I was terrified of it was because I became so afraid of making mistakes in my marriage that I thought I would fall apart.

I didn't, and you won't either. You have a lot of time to make decisions for your life, take that time, learn to remember who "you" are. Get that "me" thing back.

(((((((((hugs))))))))

redatlanta

Sometimes its just too much water under the Bridge.

Brave

Thanks Amy- I have really appreciated the honesty and caring responses from posters like you. The harder they are to read, the more they have seemed to help me over time.

It's funny because one of my good friends (incidentally also named Amy) said to me recently, "You are just so much more Hillary now than you have been. You're almost back to 100% you again." So I will take that as a good sign.

amy55

And Hillary has the best years of her life to look forward to......

Your mom was right, you are Brave.

hopeful4

Brave, trust your gut. When something seems not just right, it usually is not.

You are strong and you can do this. Good luck on your move!

Thanks for the update, keep coming back, we are here for you!

honeypig

Brave, I found this to be the case, too. What I want to hear, what I'm comfortable hearing, doesn't seem to do me nearly as much good as the stuff that makes me squirm or makes me mad...

I'm glad you came back to update us, and I'm even more glad that you've made so much progress. It sounds like you're learning to listen to that inner voice that can be such a good guide. I wish you much happiness in your new apartment and new life!

amy55

Hi Brave,

I was also wondering if you wanted to talk about something. I'm being blunt here again. I see you coming back but not posting, and just wondered if you really wanted to talk about the possibility of going back to the ex. I may be way off base, and if I am, just ignore this.

Brave

Thanks everyone. Amy-- I do a lot of second guessing myself. Just the 'what ifs' of the situation. I guess I'm also scared of being alone, starting over on my own.

Brave

There is a big part of me feels really strong and wanting to move on. Another part of me is in major codie freakout mode, and doesn't want to let go of trying, and forgiving, and trying to fix things and make it all better- saying 'what if it really is different this time.' The two parts kind of battle each other.

Plus the thought of starting over dating again...ugh god. I'm 32, young enough to do it I guess, but 9 years is a long time to be with someone. Just trying to let go of the plans I thought I had for my life. :-(

amy55

Brave, I still had a lot of the "what ifs". I bought a foreclosure. Stupid thing to do, all the renovations that I had to do. But it was mine, I had to do it. I had never paid a bill in my life. Something else I had to learn. So easy to do with a computer.

I understand all of the "what ifs". What I would like for you to do, and sorry to phrase it that way, but just live on your own for awhile. I think you will see that you can do all of this stuff.

Yes, you may feel lonely at times, but truthfully, I have to say I felt the loneliest when he was in the house with me. I'm not telling you to drop everything about the possibility of you and him getting together again, I'm just suggesting that you see how your life can be without him, and just you, and you loving "you" and you getting the "me" back.

You know I will be with you no matter what you decide to do.

Now, let me give you my honest opinion on him. Sounds much like my ex. I would stick a knife in my eye before I would go back to him. Yes, he can be sweet when he wants to, and he can be the devil when he wants to.

I know that you listen to the brutal honesty, and that's good. I always admired that about you. Your H is an abuser. It is a whole different mindset that we are use to. There is no way we can understand their world. I can't say for sure that he might actually recover from this, I'm just saying, they have to rewire their entire brain. Sort of like learning a different language fluently, but knowing that anytime they can revert back to the language they know. We are talking about guns here, and if I remember correctly also knives.

No matter what you decide, I will be here for you. I told that to you in December and I still mean it today.

I think you are a beautiful person, you are a winner. I am proud to have ever met you. You will go far. You got that in you. You are BRAVE !!!!!!

amy55

32 is an age that you can have all the things that you want. 32 is too old to wait for someone to treat your right. Love is not waiting for the other shoe to drop. Love is not worrying about if he might kill you.

Love is about compassion, understanding, good will, mutuality. It's not about waiting to see if this might ever happen for you.

You are young, you are beautiful. Don't hope for things that might happen, go out and get the things that you want.

I wish I had your incite when I was 32.

((((((((hugs))))))))

Brave

Thank you Amy. All your posts are making me cry tonight.

The apartment is definitely happening-- I'm doing it for sure. I signed the lease last week. I was bugging out, but I made myself just do it. I live in the burbs of a mid size city in the Northeast... the apartment is right in the city, in an cool area where I've always wanted to live, and close to the school where I teach. So that part I'm pretty excited about. Lots of mixed feelings for sure.

Regardless of what happens, I know in my head that living alone will be really good for me. Clarity is such a slow thing, at least for me it is. But I do know that at least for now, I need to recognize that small gut check that keeps me from going back, and keeps me moving forward.

amy55

That apt sounds perfect. I'm so glad for you. I also live in the Northeast. For now think about how you want to decorate that apt. I know when I was married I wasn't allowed to have pics or anything on the walls. Now I go to flea markets and garage sales, and all of my walls are filled.

Just keep coming back and keep us updated. I really do care about you.

((((((hugs)))))

Brave

About the abuser mindset-- I know... that's something I wrestle with too. I realize that he's trying really hard to change, probably for the first time ever. At the same time, so much of the anger/control issues are so deeply ingrained. How do you even change something that seems like it's just part of your personality?

Thanks for the hugs, I need them for sure. I do feel like I've spent so much time waiting and hoping that eventually this would turn out to be the marriage I wanted. It does feel good to finally take some steps for myself, wherever I end up.

amy55

Changing your personality would be years and years of work. Is he doing CBT or DBT? Have you researched personality disorders?

I think sometimes when I looked at that I realized that I might be in my rocking chair before I might really see any long term change. They can fool you with the short term, of course they can. They did that their entire life. Personality disorders really only show in emotional relationships.

They know right from wrong, but when they come home and they are in a relationship, they have no place to go to hide, so they can't keep their mask on all the time, so it comes off.

So, I know that you know all of this, because you also researched all of this. Sometimes the heart tries to make the head silent. Listen to your head. It took me a long time to do this.

Focus on your new apt, on your new school year.

Again, anytime you want to talk, I'm here to listen.

meggem

I can relate to alot of your post. My recovered AH of nine months (he's still the same) will be served next week. 7 years of him being "a changed man". Keep moving forward, once you get that "I"m completely done" feeling - you can't go back. I had it before he went to rehab in October but I stayed - and going against my "I'm done" feeling (looking back now) made me feel worse.

You are Brave like your screen name. Keep moving - don't change your mind.