MsGrace

SO.....It's been 4 years since my crazy alcoholic divorce. I spent a good amount of time with Al Anon, and went though a very rigorous personal growth program last year of which was enormous benefit to me.

I'm dating a very nice man...and there is good news and bad news. He is intelligent, professional, loving, generous, attentive and funny. Truly a great guy. Then the bad news: he lived for 20 years with an alcoholic. The last ten were hellish and produced a child. (he's 57 with an eight year old). I'm a bit older than he is. Not exactly in the stage of life where I want to be raising a child.

Aside from my great resistance to taking on a part time minor child in my 60's..I find I'm much more wary of the alcoholic crazy. She not only has active out of control addiction, but she has gone around the bend with some crazy fundamentalist religious stuff that is truly frightening (to me, and to him and so far as we can tell..to the child) She thinks he is the devil and is doing everything in her power to sever all ties between the child and him. We are in the NW and she's in the planning stages of moving the child to Texas to separate them. They are actually in court today to let a judge decide how this is going to work. My heart aches for him and this awful circumstance.

So what is my role? I truly want a relationship with a person and with the qualities of this man. But I fear the baggage he brings with him may be a bridge too far. I can see an angry teenager landing on our doorstep in a few years after his mother's shenanigins get the best of him. I normally can spot my clarity and truth fairly easily and not afraid to say what I want and draw clear boundaries..but this situation has me stumped.

What should I be aware of that I may not be seeing? I'm clear we have no jurisdiction over the addict's crazy. But I fear the minor child could be a full time job sooner than later. I feel bad for him and his dad...it's a tough situation. I don't want to miss an opportunity for us and neither do I want to compromise myself in what I want and need.

Any insight you have would be appreciated....there is such wisdom in this forum

hopeful4

I am so sorry for the situation. How heartbreaking, especially for his child. Horrible horrible addiction.

I have a friend who was just very recently in a situation very close to yours. She finally left after a year because it was just too much to handle. She also became attached to the child and knew it had been a mistake because here she was a constant for this child for a year then she was gone. Very very sad.

I will pray for all of you. No matter what decisions you come to, we are here for you.

MsGrace

Thank you Hopeful;

I have not met the child yet...knowing that I may not stay. I did not think it fair to him to know me if I wasn't committed to being in his or his dad's life. It's been very hard..but I deemed it best for the child not to be pulled through another relationship. He's coping with quite enough as a little boy. Yes, heartbreaking

Thumper

If you do not want a child and alcoholic crazy - don't sign up for them, walk away from it.

I don't mean to sound harsh but sometimes the bottom lines just are.

I'm sorry for such a hard situation. Sometimes everything can seem right about a person except their circumstances - but they can't be separated from their circumstances (at least not this kind) so it is what it is.

NYCDoglvr

You can set boundaries. No contact with the woman, she is not ever to be in your presence. But if you don't want a kid, sounds like you should skip this relationship.

GracieLou

Not sure how actively dating you are but you could just put the brakes on the relationship for a while. It may be the best for all involved. He can take all the time and energy he needs to deal with the crazy ex and his son without having to worry about you or the relationship.

This also gets you away from the crazy train.

If he should call and want to talk, that is up to you, but you could change the relationship to just friendship for a while. You never know. Being just friends for now can be a blessing for you both.

You don't have to walk away completely, you can just back up a step or two and see how it plays out.

I would be honest about not wanting a young child in your life though. I understand. My kids are grown and at 45 I would not date a person with small children or even a teenager for that matter. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

Thumper

I am ever so reminded of one of my favorite quotes by Dr. Seuss. It has been so on point at different times in my life. I like reminding myself of it now - it helps keep me on track. "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."

airwick

I will be 50 in January. I have a 12 year old boy. I got a divorce in December of the past year. When I do get involved with someone, I would hope they WOULD WALk away if they seemed weary of the situation concerning my child. Maybe you could still stay connected with the gentlemen (if you choose) without having connection with the child. Try to explain this to your partner, I would hope he would take pride in your honesty. I would

redatlanta

There is a very real possibility that you could end up with the child since MaMa is an A. If that is not appealing then you probably should move along.

Hammer

oh, I hear you.

The Addiction/Alcohol is NOTHING compared to Mental Illness, huh?

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I leaning towards Red's view.

And the kid could coming that way sooner than later.

You did not mention details on AWex-whatever-etc. Do you know her age? Sometimes these things do not run so long as the self-inflicted damage levels tend to take them out early.

Hammer

btw, fun survey question?

Did you and bf meet in Alanon?

I am testing Stung's "Meat Market" Theory.