happybeingme

Friday is Independence Day here in the US. So parades, fireworks, and bbqs are on the schedule. My sister is having the bbq this year so I will be seeing my mom for the first time since I told her that having her in my life just wasnt healthy for me. She is a narcissist so she is expert at the mind games. Anything can happen. How do I prepare with out getting obsessive in my thinking or not preparng at all and being blindsided and snapping? Plus how do I deal with the routine hugging without hugging her? Suggestions needed before my mind explodes

makomago

Hi Hap... I'd love to suggest 'then Don't'. But I appreciate such nonsense suggestions usually aren't appreciated :-)

I'll share my similar situation and see where and how that works. Family wedding in two weeks, I'm going. I driving my Mum and her partner. She is drinking again her partner thought home brew would be ok for someone with alcoholic dementia, pancreatitis and sundry other issues.

My Youngest sisters partner is an alcoholic in full flight. He's getting nasty. I might find her and my nephew (aged 1) in my spare room sometime soon.

I'm hooked into the giving my Mum a ride (3 hours in the car, yikes!). I can't get out of it, my foolish partner offered to help.

And then, of course, there will be two days of 'celebrations', listening to shared and heavily sanitised stories dressed as happy memories - No-one mention the drinking, the breakups, the smashed house, the arguments, the fights, the suicide attempts, problem drinking etc etc etc etc

The family secrets we'll all pretend we don't know... And so on.

Well, I'm in. I'm going, my two youngest daughters are bridesmaids (they're really excited).

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....

But I'm not going partake of the dysfunction. Obviously, I'm not going to drink. But I'm not going to play the games either. And when it reaches a point that I want 'out' I shall retire gracefully to my room and read a book, or some such.

The courage to change the things I can....

I hope to retire, or remove myself at an appropriate time so as not to spoil any fun my kids or partner are having. Nor to interrupt proceedings, or be unpleasant, or rude to anyone.

My exit plan is in place

And the courage to know the difference.

For the record, I'm future tripping (too) and dreading the whole thing, so I'm just going now accept that I've made sufficient plans to get out when I need to. My partner knows and is happy with this.

And I'm back in that circle again;

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, etc etc

BTW: My plan includes being where I am supposed to be at the latest not the earliest, without interrupting affairs. It includes leaving soonest rather than latest, when the time is right. It includes talking most to those that I'm prepared to, or those that will listen to me (looks like I'll be playing with my kids then, hoorah) :-) and talking least to those with the most dysfunction (that'll NOT talking be my side of the family then).

I'm not convinced that is a whole lot of suggestions, but if I were to summarise; I've set my boundaries, I've got a vague outline of a plan and I intend to stick to them unless things go better than planned, or better than my future tripping predicts, or experience has shown.

Good Luck

Mako

happybeingme

Thanks mako. Those are sound suggestions. Fortunately a tropical depression has formed off the coast of Florida and may become a hurricane as it travels north. Perhaps I will be lucky and we will get nailed on Friday. Barring that I might just have to spend my time hanging with the niece and nephew as I avoid my mum. I bet your girls will look like princesses. How exciting for them. I am sorry to hear your mum is drinking again. Good luck with the car ride

makomago

So whilst a tropical depression forms over Florida, a family depression forms over my side of the pond with local flooding caused by tears of frustration in the drivers seat of my car

OGK

You guys have room for one more? Brave souls hap/mak. I have recently put the kabash on a graduation and a family retreat this week. After Easter disaster, my boundaries have been drawn and currently cementing broken glass on top of the walls. I wondered where all the good stuff went and here we are, Otto has yet again crashed the party, hope you don't mind. Perhaps a quiet evening over the weekend to get acclimated here, don't mind the couch if you guys have a pillow?

Kialua

I usually just don't go to these things, and after a several years I wasn't even invited anymore. Bonus! I don't throw these things either, I think I had maybe 3 events I hosted at my house over the many decades. Stick to your guns. Hang in there. You will train them by how you act and live.

DoubleDragons

Oh, future tripping, the favorite pasttimes of us ACOAs. I do it, not only for upcoming extended family events, but thinking about what am I going to do to take care of alcoholic mother if something happens to my extremely enabling father?!? If I am honest with myself though, the things I worry about rarely happen. I get blind sighted by things I never even expected to happen.

happybeingme

OGK- welcome! Wonderful to 'see' you. Please make yourself at home. Spare pillows are in the closet along with blankets and a pallet of tissues.

Kialua- To not attend these things would mean destroying relationships with my sister and her family after I have worked so hard on them these past few years.

DD- I always get hit with something as well. July 3 my 4 year old nephew broke his collar bone and that caused a big drama fest with my mom

tromboneliness

#excellent

Who needs the drama? Those people do not have some inherent "right" to see me, just because they're relatives. I'd rather hang out with my friends -- or "family of choice," if you prefer. They're the ones who have actually done something to deserve my time!

T

happybeingme

Trombone-I realize that I neglected to say in my op that the sister having a bbq was a relationship I treasure. There is a long story behind it but it matters very much to me to have her and her family in my life. Unfortunately my mother lives with her. So, the situation is complicated.
However, I feel that even had I not added that info it doesnt change the fact I was looking for advice on how to work on my tendency to over think things. To play different scenarios over and over in my head until I am a stressed out mess.
I was not looking for comments about how others just dont get involved with their families

Soberpotamus

Happybeingme, I over think things like this too. So I totally understand where you're coming from. I think the others are just telling you how they have been able to handle their own situations with dysfunctional families, that is all.

I used to engage more with my family, especially when my grandmother and mother were still alive. Now that they are gone, I rarely go back to visit anymore. I live about 3.5 hours north of my entire family and prefer it this way. However, I do make a rare visit to my grandfather and father ONLY for the sake of seeing them while still alive. I no longer have hopes of sanity or healthy family interactions. I'm 37 and have learned that they are just incapable of getting out of their own dysfunction in order to bridge a gap. They never see their part in things, it's all on me. And that burden is too much for me, and one that I just don't need to bear anymore.

When I do go see them, I try to work on stilling my mind, relaxation, distraction from repetitive negative thoughts... and I stick to "I" statements. Owning my own truth. I try not to justify myself or my actions to them. I no longer seek validation. And I let them interrupt and run all over me, because guess what... I can not control what they say or do. And they do inevitably interrupt me, finish my sentences and focus on themselves. So, that is what I have to be willing to be around if I choose to see them.

Acceptance of the way they are has been a long time coming. Feeling alone, unheard, invalidated, misunderstood... that is how I've always felt around them. So these days, I choose not to place myself there very often.

Good luck!

happybeingme

Thanks Jennie. That was good stuff. I was really worried about my mom physically trapping me in a corner and verbally pushing the situation. She has done this in the past about other things.
I did go and see my nephew and take him a present since he got " a really bad booboo" as he explained it to his sister. I just ignored my motherr and made sure not to be alone with her

Soberpotamus

I had a situation with an aunt (mom's sister) who got me in her car on a short trip once and proceeded to blast me with verbal abuse for an hour nonstop once. Very, very hurtful. I made sure never to get in a sticky situation with her like that again. I don't have contact with her anymore.

Since it's your mother, I know that's even worse. My mother was emotionally abusive so I feel your pain. My mom was a narcissistic alcoholic who showed symptoms of borderline personality disorder. I had a stepmother (now divorced from my Dad thankfully) who had all the symptoms of BPD.

Feeling safe and like you have a way to walk out of there is important. So just make sure you know you can leave anytime in order to protect yourself.

happybeingme

Thanks for understanding Jenny. You know it wasnt until I posted about my mom trapping me that it finally hit me just now. Wow. Weird how that happens.
You are right. It is about being safe and having an exit plan. Thank you again

For everyone else. I realize my other post was not well worded and I should have merely thanked you Kia and Trombone for sharing your feelings. I was awkwardly trying to reword myself so that the focus was on tips or ideas for reigning in my crazy brain

DoubleDragons

Happy, I know what you are saying. There is enough good in my dysfunctional extended family for me to want to keep them in my life, but in a limited way. I am working hard on protecting myself with boundaries. I think in this case it is good to future trip, as long as it is done in a productive way, like making a plan. "If this happens, then I will do this . . . ." My boundaries do not have to be communicated to anyone. Only I have to be privy to them. Something I read on this forum really was an "aha" moment to me. It said allowing people to abuse you, is a form of self-abuse. So, I am trying my best to say good-bye to this and other forms of self-abuse.

tromboneliness

Nah -- it's hard to make these things work; it's easy for me to sit here and tell someone else how they should handle their situation... not so easy when you're the one in the driver's seat!

Hope you can get it sorted out, keeping close to sister while not letting Mom drag you under....

T

makomago

Welcome aboard OGK, very nice to see you in this neck of the woods...

OGK

"I think in this case it is good to future trip, as long as it is done in a productive way, like making a plan."

Early on in my early recovery (in it), I fought the obsession to plan things out, mostly because the obsessive planning for the worse case always seemed to consume me. What I learned however is that it's ok to let me (mind) be me, as long as the traits/thoughts I came to the party with end with POSITIVE results, rather than the negative. Like steering a a rudderless ship I suppose, all the while, who new? There is a spare in the back.

I like the empowering statement that nobody needs to know I'm setting boundaries but myself. It's abundantly clear that my extended family knows that I'm done with their dysfunction. I do have guilt, of course, because I seem to take the knowledge I have now and use it to extract info. from my Mother, in order to learn more about my past. She's very old now, stroke ridden and fighting early dementia. I guess the guilt I feel is a result of the obvious (laundry list) but I feel it necessary to push the envelope to better myself....something still very new for me. I liked what you shared, really hits home.
OGK

OGK

Thank you and a nice nape it is. A "plethora" of amazing shares and knowledge. Still looking in to get out and being out is very nice, yes?
OGK

happybeingme

Yes, this is a good safe place filled with really strong compassionate people OGK. One thing I am curious about though is what exactly are you hoping tto learn from your mother? I suspect anything you may learn from her is going to be painted in a way that makes her look her best.