i'm embarrassed...
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
i'm embarrassed...
Well, I was. For a very long time, I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed at my behavior, my thoughts, my appearance, my drinking, my alcoholism, my lack of restraint...you name it, I felt shame about it. When I was drinking, I felt so much shame about my drinking. I found it hard to admit that I was an alcoholic. I mean, isn't it pathetic? Me, an alcoholic? I have a nice house, a husband who loves me and provides for me, cute clothes and makeup. I even have my own little car and spending money. It's not like I'm homeless or a prostitute or anything like that. I'm a spoiled little girl who can't control her drinking. How embarrassing.
Even worse were the relapses. I'd been doing well, attending my meetings like a good girl and texting another alcoholic every now and then. I posted on here some and read threads. I just kinda got sidetracked at some point and I got "too busy" for meetings and I really didn't feel like getting on SR today or yesterday. Maybe tomorrow. I didn't even know what led to the drink. All I knew was that I was back in the hole and I didn't want anyone to know. If I don't go back messed up, they'll never know I relapsed, right? Why do I have to go back and reset my stupid sobriety date and raise my hand for another month at meetings? They'll just judge me because of this relapse. They probably already are. I can't go back there. I'm just too embarrassed.
It's okay to be embarrassed. It's normal and that's fine. But we can't let being embarrassed kill us. We can't let it keep us from connecting to the people who can help us. One of the hardest things to do, maybe even harder than setting down the drink, is to cast our pride and egos aside and admit our difficulties. It's hard to accept that we need help, that we can't, in fact, handle this alcoholism thing. It's hard to let the ones who love us know that we're having a problem or that we relapsed and need to start again. Our instinct is to hide. Isn't that natural? If an animal's sick or wounded, instinct says to hide it or we'll get cast our from the herd. Humans don't work that way anymore. We accept our sick and we do what we can to heal them. If no one knows you're sick, how can anyone help you heal?
I wanted to say this because I've seen quite a few posts regarding being embarrassed or ashamed and not feeling like you can let anyone know. It's okay. I've learned that hiding my relapses from my husband and parents hurt them more than it spared them. Especially my husband. My mom already knows that if I'm impossible to get in touch with, I'm usually off the wagon. My husband has supported me for years and all he asks is that if I relapse, I let him know so he can help. Relapses and active alcoholism worries our families but our lies devastate them. If you're on the fence about getting help and/or telling your loved ones, please just think about this being the beginning of your long term sobriety. Would you rather start it with honesty and acceptance or hiding and false pride? Honesty isn't easy but once you establish it as a strongly held principle in your life, you'll find that you have a lot less things that you want to hide in your life. At least, that's how it's worked for me and I was an active alcoholic who would lie about the color of the sky if I thought it could help me save face.
Even worse were the relapses. I'd been doing well, attending my meetings like a good girl and texting another alcoholic every now and then. I posted on here some and read threads. I just kinda got sidetracked at some point and I got "too busy" for meetings and I really didn't feel like getting on SR today or yesterday. Maybe tomorrow. I didn't even know what led to the drink. All I knew was that I was back in the hole and I didn't want anyone to know. If I don't go back messed up, they'll never know I relapsed, right? Why do I have to go back and reset my stupid sobriety date and raise my hand for another month at meetings? They'll just judge me because of this relapse. They probably already are. I can't go back there. I'm just too embarrassed.
It's okay to be embarrassed. It's normal and that's fine. But we can't let being embarrassed kill us. We can't let it keep us from connecting to the people who can help us. One of the hardest things to do, maybe even harder than setting down the drink, is to cast our pride and egos aside and admit our difficulties. It's hard to accept that we need help, that we can't, in fact, handle this alcoholism thing. It's hard to let the ones who love us know that we're having a problem or that we relapsed and need to start again. Our instinct is to hide. Isn't that natural? If an animal's sick or wounded, instinct says to hide it or we'll get cast our from the herd. Humans don't work that way anymore. We accept our sick and we do what we can to heal them. If no one knows you're sick, how can anyone help you heal?
I wanted to say this because I've seen quite a few posts regarding being embarrassed or ashamed and not feeling like you can let anyone know. It's okay. I've learned that hiding my relapses from my husband and parents hurt them more than it spared them. Especially my husband. My mom already knows that if I'm impossible to get in touch with, I'm usually off the wagon. My husband has supported me for years and all he asks is that if I relapse, I let him know so he can help. Relapses and active alcoholism worries our families but our lies devastate them. If you're on the fence about getting help and/or telling your loved ones, please just think about this being the beginning of your long term sobriety. Would you rather start it with honesty and acceptance or hiding and false pride? Honesty isn't easy but once you establish it as a strongly held principle in your life, you'll find that you have a lot less things that you want to hide in your life. At least, that's how it's worked for me and I was an active alcoholic who would lie about the color of the sky if I thought it could help me save face.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Western Washington
Posts: 202
This resonates with me so much. On the one hand, my super excessive shame sometimes keeps me from making bad choices. But you're right--it also totally keeps me from getting help when I need it.
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
This is what I needed today!!!
I've relapsed and had "fun," but really was just a hot mess with tons of drama that I created. You'd be shocked if I told you. Or, probably not. :~p
I'm VERY embarrassed at my behavior on this relapse. I figured I would just drink for a couple weeks and didn't want to do it half-way. Naturally, it's been longer than two weeks and I've hurt at least 5 people in my path. And oh yes, the lies and games I've played with people. Ugh.
I guess I'm finally over the embarrassment thing as far as "relapse" and getting help goes. I've relapsed so many times. I'm an alcoholic, it's what I do.
I've relapsed and had "fun," but really was just a hot mess with tons of drama that I created. You'd be shocked if I told you. Or, probably not. :~p
I'm VERY embarrassed at my behavior on this relapse. I figured I would just drink for a couple weeks and didn't want to do it half-way. Naturally, it's been longer than two weeks and I've hurt at least 5 people in my path. And oh yes, the lies and games I've played with people. Ugh.
I guess I'm finally over the embarrassment thing as far as "relapse" and getting help goes. I've relapsed so many times. I'm an alcoholic, it's what I do.
Crazy Cat Lady
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I love you guys! I know honesty was a crazy struggle for me all my life. I guess the older i get, the more i see how lies have caused so much chaos in my life. It gets hard to juggle all those balls in the air. Also, i realized that lying just made me feel bad. Like, really bad! I felt like a kid stealing from the cookie jar, just waiting for the day Mom busted me. Probably after most of the cookies were eaten and i had no idea how to replace them.
Keep up the good work today, y'all. I know we can all stay sober and live peacefully together!
Keep up the good work today, y'all. I know we can all stay sober and live peacefully together!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Deep in the heart of Texas
Posts: 1,736
Thank you so much.
I've been shocked by the amount of support I've received by letting go of the shame & embarrassment. I've even been called a hero. It humbles me & also makes me so proud of myself. I never would have experienced this had I stayed huddled up in the corner in my shame ball.
I know this post is helping many today. I appreciate it & you more than you know. Honored to be walking this path with you.
I've been shocked by the amount of support I've received by letting go of the shame & embarrassment. I've even been called a hero. It humbles me & also makes me so proud of myself. I never would have experienced this had I stayed huddled up in the corner in my shame ball.
I know this post is helping many today. I appreciate it & you more than you know. Honored to be walking this path with you.
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