LoveMeNow

Today, I went to see my therapist. It was a great session but I had a hard to time articulating how I was feeling. After my session, I went to the beach for a long walk. It's been a while since I have done that. It was late in the afternoon and was pretty empty. I had my earbuds in and was blasting some great music. I sang loudly as I walked along the waters edge and didn't care who heard, thankfully I don't think anyone could.

I watched the waves crashing on the shore. I watched amazing surfers and 2 phenomenal wind surfers soaring through the waves. I spent time watching a seagull and remembering he too is a creation of God.

As I walked along, I realized I am really done with my STBXAH. But realizing how he is spirally down triggers every Codie emotion I could have. But I know there is nothing I can do but I still feel helpless and have had to really distance myself.

As I was walking back to my car, I thought....boy, that felt so good but I still felt kind of numb. I feel like I just survived a terrible hurricane, things are now calm, but i still feel dazed and confused by it all. Still in a FOG.

I have had so many changes lately (some positive, some negative) and I am still mourning the loss of a man who is still alive. I am finally accepting it although I don't like it. Is this just part of the grieving stage? Has anyone else felt like they lost their clarity after acceptance finally set in.

Just to add - my friends say I act and look my happier. They are seeing glimpses of the old, confident me. Sometimes I feel it but mostly I feel well.....foggy headed.

CodeJob

Sounds like a very healing day. I think you might backtrack and then make great strides. Your friends are seeing these good changes in you. It is kind of them to point out the return of you! But you know the you coming back has more life wisdom. You are changed as you wrap up this relationship.

Hugs!

Blossom717

Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you are on your way to healing. Mourning the loss of a man who is still alive is a great way to put it when ending a relationship with an A.

I hope you keep moving forward!

marie1960

Great post LoveMeNow.

I am at the "now what/ what's next" stage of this, and it leaves me in such a troubled state of mind.

I find myself future tripping. And I need to stop.

I find myself worrying more about him than myself, and it needs to stop. I just haven't gotten that part figured out yet.

Thanks for sharing, it's so good to be with those who are walking the same path.

peace to you, friend.

Praying

What an amazing day. You don't really get to mourn a guy still living in any satisfactory way, do you?

When one of my friends said that about me--the old me coking back--I remember thinking...really? Then realized I did have touches of the old me, and I liked them. Still lots of fog there, but I want more and more of old me. I love that you're hearing that. Keep fighting out of the fog!

Those beach walks can't hurt. I'm a little envious of that. Soak up the beauty. It always remind me there's so much more than me.

Sending you continued prayers. I'm glad you're well.

hopeful4

LMN....you are so wise. You recognize it about mourning. The thing about grief is that it is a stage. This too will pass. I agree with the above post about future tripping. It's really easy to let yourself get caught up into what may or may not happen. There comes the living in the moment, for today.

I think you are doing great! Glad you had a peaceful time at the beach!

FireSprite

It really does make sense that you would be mourning the relationship & the hopes & expectations of all that it "could have" & "should have" been. Even though our recoveries often help us to separate emotions from facts, we still eventually need to deal with the emotions in a healthy way.

I can't think of a more perfect, more cathartic place than the BEACH! The ebb & flow of the waves in the natural order of things along with the cleansing effect of salt water/air is just simply amazing. It must have felt meditative & serene - the calm in the mid of the storm. I think I'll try to find some time over this weekend to do the same - I love walking the beach at night after the heat of the day has subsided a bit. Thanks for the inspiration!

LoveMeNow

Thank you all for your support and encouragement.

Today, I woke up with a soar throat and a slight fever. Maybe that is why I was feeling so foggy brained? I am hoping anyway.