Shel

I know what I SHOULD prorbaly do but I really deep down do not want to.....he went out again yesterday ...just for "a couple hours" needless to say he left at 1230 and didn't return until 2am......of course drunk! and ya know that really didn't bother, becasue I guess you could say I expected it! But the fact that his 3 year old son was at our house and he was suppsosed to have had him back by 930 and he just totally disregarded it...becasue he knew I would take care of it......(which yes I did, I took him back to his mother for his own sake not for his fathers!) the insight I guess I need is how do you set the boundries and stick to them? do I need to write them down and make it completely clear that if he is drunk he doesn't come home? and that I will NOT pick him up at any point and time when he is drinking? he is a kind hearted loving man when he is sober.....just don't know if I can get past this because I take it personal even though I know it is the disease...just have a hard time thinking he does have a choice and he ALWAYS chooses drinking and friends over his family!

Lorelai

Shel -
I don't know how you set a boundary that he won't come home drunk - maybe some others can help you with that.

All of my boundaries were things I could control because I know I can't control him. I started out small and worked from there. I figured out the things I didn't like and then figured out what I could do to avoid them without depending on him to do anything. It worked pretty well for me.
L

journeygal

Hi Shel,

Lorelai is right - you can't set a boundary of him not coming home drunk. You cannot control what he does. Boundaries are things you will or will not do, such as not taking his son home if he "forgets" to come home or not picking him up if he's been drinking. Starting out small and going from there is also a good way to tackle it.

Take care,
JG

Shel

That does make sense, I know I cannot control him as I said I kinda expected it but actually thought (silly me) he would be there for his son! Since the last time he ended up in detox when I took his son home! Thanks ~ somthign I need to work on ...I was awfully cruel this morning...telling him he was irresponsible etc.....really only putting him down (but did make me feel better) but now I feel worse ....why is that? I was so angry .........but now feeling guilty!

Lorelai

Shel -
I certainly don't know everything but two things I have learned for absolutely, postively sure.

1. If I don't expect anything of him, I won't be disappointed. You are setting yourself up if you expect an alcoholic to do anything responsible. They are slaves to their addiction. If it turns out that he does something responsible, I can be pleasantly surprised.

2. Telling him he is irresponsible and putting him down does nothing for him or for you. You will never get through to him until he is ready to listen. Don't waste your time. There are much more constructive things you can do - like being good to you.

L

KelKel

I do not know how tired you are of setting boundaries and then not being able to keep them, but have you thought about calling the police on your SO?
I am the alcoholic in the family, my husband put up with a whole lot of my addiction, but there have been times when he has called the cops on me and I have payed the price by spending a few 24hrs. in the can.
At the time I was hurt and confused, but now I realize that there was not much else he could have done... I was the one outta control...big time.

Shel

Thanks for your responses...Lorelei I have heard those points before and they make such perfect sense I just have to remind myself ............I have a problem letting go....I can't help but think they NEED to take responsibilty and WHY don't they!? He has now reported he has been "layed off" from his current employer but will find something soon!! I got really sick to my stomach when I heard this.......he was doing so well for 5 months and then the drinking began and "here we go"!! I think I need to detach and remove myself from this rollar coaster ride!! give me strenght to bite my tongue tonight ....I'll keep ya posted!