zeldachan

I left work today because I was drunk. I got drunk at lunch. I have never done this before. Seriously. I came back and told my boss that I had the flu. She believed me. I left work and walked to the local park and will stay here until my friend who knows about my issues can come pick me up.

I just called a helpline and got a referral for a local outpatient service that will help me. I feel like a complete failure in life. Complete failure.

I don't know why I am posting this here. Because I am a terrible person.

ultradad

You are not a terrible person! Sounds like you're an alcoholic, which is a disease! We all have similar stories and it does get better if you want it too. I used AA to get sober and they told me when I walked in that I never had to feel that way again, and they were right!

Get a plan of action and fight for your life! Pulling for you!

desypete

thanks for your post and thanks for reminding me of how i once felt about me
i felt like the scum of the earth at one time in my life thanks to drink and what it did to destroy my life

use this experience to find the help you might need or might not as i dont tell anyone there an alcoholic only you can decide that for yourself
how i came to know i was an alcholic was simple i went along to aa meetings and i hear the most amazing storys from people there and some seemed to be talking about me as its as though they knew all about how i felt and how i drank and all my ways

so i figured if there like me and there an alcoholic then i must be one to

i did think to be a real alcoholic you had to be a down and out and have nothing etc how wrong i was as most people in aa have saved themselves from going down to that level not me though i was almost out on the streets but i did lose everything else as i ended up in a hostel run flat
oh the shame of it all but i laugh about it today as i am sober and living ok these days not perfect and have had more than my fair share of pain in sobriety but thats life.

i hope you can find the help you might need and if not then you could always give aa a try and i dont mean to offend you by offering out that help
good luck to you

jdooner

Sounds like your at a good place to start making some real changes in your life. All you can do is go up if your actually at your low point. Problem with a progressive disease as things can usually go much lower unless you quit the drink.

Stoogy

Hi, you didn't mention if this is a continued pattern meaning you have a drinking problem or whether this was an isolated event? I'm guessing it's the first as you have found your way here to SR.
We are all in this together and believe me when I say you are neither a failure or a terrible person for being drunk.

zeldachan

Thank you.

I know I must be an alcoholic because why else would I endanger the best job I've ever had? Because alcohol is the most important thing in my life ever

I have tried to quit before. Hilarious how finding my pants in the cat litter box after a night of drinking was not the end but this is. How do I get out of this??

paloverde

Nah, you're not a terrible person! You're taking responsibility before things get any worse, which is highly commendable!

ScottFromWI

You aren't a failure or a terrible person. You've chosen to seek help for your problem, that's a great step forward and the honorable thing to do. Be honest with yourself and those who are about to be there to help you, and you will get through this.

HeadLump

I absolutely agree! You're recognising a problem and taking action - and that takes courage

Stoogy

Scott makes a good point, be honest with yourself and people around you who can help you through this, I went alone but if I had to do it again I would probably involve a few more people in order to have additional support at hand.
Take care and keep posting it really helps.

Nuudawn

Hon..none of us really knows when we begin our "drinking affair" how hideously it's all going to turn out. Eventually, we begin to realize this is not going so well but escape is not easy. We put forth a few attempts to "knock it off" ..and get coaxed back due to one thing or another. I think the first few quit defeats are all about not really realizing how deeply those teeth are in. We don't really get how deeply entrenched and enslaved we truly are. The giddy and flirtatious thoughts of "oh..you can have one..it ain't going to hurt ya" are really the dark signs of addiction's cunning slavery.

You are not a failure. No one signs up for the University of Addiction. We don't plan to make it our life's major. It just happens.

What you must register...through and through (and you have liver dysfunction in your 30's to prove it)..

Not another drop. Allie every available recovery resource. You're the General ..and this is war.

PurpleKnight

Posting means there's something still left fighting inside, you can do this!!

J2911

Having an epiphany is a good thing. The litter box thing wasn't quite as risky as the job. My wake up call was stopping at the store on my drive home from work to down a box of wine. You are in the right frame of mind. Keep going back to this post to remind yourself how risky your behavior has become. Journal, ask the friend you called to pick you up to
be your accountability partner, get a life coach or counselor if you can. You need consistent and accessible resources for awhile, don't self loathe or try to go it alone....You've got what it takes!!

FreeOwl

if you're a terrible person.... it's not because of anything you've described in your post.

But oohhhhhhhh man, do I know what that feels like.... feeling that way....

Good news; it's NOT REAL. The "I'm a terrible person" can be a thing of the past and you can move into a whole new level of living.

You've taken the first steps in that, well done!!!

Welcome.

trachemys

Do you have insurance and does it cover substance abuse rehabilitation?

If so, since you were brave enough to come here and address the problem, I have a suggestion.

Schedule a meeting with your boss and another person of authority like your boss's boss or a human resources person or even your friend who is aware of the problem. Be absolutely straight with them. Tell them you didn't have the flu. You were afraid and ashamed. You need help and are willing to go and get it.

You'll be surprised how people will step up to help you.

Hevyn

Hi Zelda. I'm so glad you came here to talk it over - we are standing with you.

I did it too. Many times. Didn't just get drunk at lunch, but arrived at work still drunk from the night before - and brought alcohol with me to sip on during the day. Terrible behavior, yes - but we are NOT terrible people. We are some of the bravest & most courageous people there are. It sounds like you've learned something & are ready to reach out for a better life - we know you can do it.

firstymer

I know how you feel, Zeldachan. The guilt. The fear. The feeling of worthlessness.

But, with the right help and with your determination, you NEVER HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN.

Welcome to SR. I am glad you are here with us.

NewFighter

Zeldachan, you joined in 2011 and came back! You are NOT a bad person! You will find so much support here. Please continue to post. I joined in June 2011 and I am back with honesty and commitment this time because I was able to see the progression thanks to SR for not deleting my account.

zeldachan

I have been trying to quit for so many years. I make it to a month and then break. I have never tried a formal program because of the shame but its pretty obvious to me that doing it by myself isn't working.

And you are right. This is war now. I dont want to die but I am killing myself anyway.

I am not sure i want to go to HR. this is a company that actively discourages use of the health insurance we have to "help" our co workers by not raising premiums. It's a good company but I'm sure they would rather us not get sick ever

This is war, you're right. The gun is at my head and I have to refuse to pull the trigger.

trachemys

Well, the choices are use the insurance or die. Trust me. I nearly killed myself with vodka last year. I think they'd rather use the insurance than pay your life insurance beneficiaries and attend the funeral.