desperate on long island
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: long island ny
Posts: 64
desperate on long island
my son is 24 and adicted to heroin. after his 13th arrest and near death experience and 9 rehab stints i am trying to wrap my head around this insanity. his addiction has taken our lives from us, mainly because we allowed it too. i want help in understanding how i can move on, i plan on going to a meeting for na but was just wondering if anyone out there is going to one that i can walk in with . so scared, i cry all the time about my son who is lost to drugs .
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi oceanlady. I am so so sorry for what brings you here. To see your child in the grips of addiction has to be absolutely terrorizing.
There are several on here who have addicted children who will be along very shortly. In the mean time, I wanted to wish you a warm welcome and tell you that I am praying for you and your son.
Tight Hugs.
There are several on here who have addicted children who will be along very shortly. In the mean time, I wanted to wish you a warm welcome and tell you that I am praying for you and your son.
Tight Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,966
I'm so sorry about your son! Lots of mama's on this forum, I'm sure they will be around shortly. Have you tried calling up the local number....maybe you can talk to someone willing go with you or meet you outside and walk in with you?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. I am so, so sorry for what has brought you here. I don't have children of my own, but I can sense your pain, desperation, and confusion.
Thankfully, we have members that have been in your situation, and they will be by to greet you soon. Although you may feel otherwise, you are not alone. You've come to the right place.
Regarding meetings...I would encourage you to attend either Nar Anon or Al Anon and not NA or AA. While NA and AA would educate you regarding how the mind of an addict works and you'd learn a lot, I'm guessing you're too raw to be able to handle that. Nar Anon and Al Anon are for the loved ones of addicts, and how we can come to terms with their addictions.
Is it scary to go into a meeting for the first time? Sure. I was very scared. I didn't know what I was in for. And what ended up helping me was, believe it or not, listening to the mothers of addicted children. Mothers like you. And as I listened, whatever fears and reseverations I had about being in there vanished pretty quick. Al Anon helped save my sanity.
In any event, I'm going to defer to women like yourself who've been through what you're going through. Pay attention to what they share with you. They know what they're talking about. And again, Welcome to the Board.
PS -- My favorite guitar shop is on Long Island. The Music Zoo in Roslyn...
Thankfully, we have members that have been in your situation, and they will be by to greet you soon. Although you may feel otherwise, you are not alone. You've come to the right place.
Regarding meetings...I would encourage you to attend either Nar Anon or Al Anon and not NA or AA. While NA and AA would educate you regarding how the mind of an addict works and you'd learn a lot, I'm guessing you're too raw to be able to handle that. Nar Anon and Al Anon are for the loved ones of addicts, and how we can come to terms with their addictions.
Is it scary to go into a meeting for the first time? Sure. I was very scared. I didn't know what I was in for. And what ended up helping me was, believe it or not, listening to the mothers of addicted children. Mothers like you. And as I listened, whatever fears and reseverations I had about being in there vanished pretty quick. Al Anon helped save my sanity.
In any event, I'm going to defer to women like yourself who've been through what you're going through. Pay attention to what they share with you. They know what they're talking about. And again, Welcome to the Board.
PS -- My favorite guitar shop is on Long Island. The Music Zoo in Roslyn...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I want to add, the first time I walked into a Celebrate Recovery meeting I would have left if a kind soul had literally not fetched me back and walked me in. Expect to be made to feel very welcome. They understand how scary it is to walk in for the first time.
I look back and laugh at myself now as CR is where I feel 100% myself and comfortable and safe.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Cheering you on from Missouri!
I look back and laugh at myself now as CR is where I feel 100% myself and comfortable and safe.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! Cheering you on from Missouri!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I to am the mother of an addicted adult son, my son is much older than yours...same story just many more years of doing it.
For too many years as my son was in the revolving door or addiction/recovery/relapse, we let him come home to live, thinking if we loved him enough and gave him a clean, safe, loving environment and set rules to make sure he was working his program, that he would stay clean and move forward in his life healthier for the journey. My husband gave him a job so he could go to a day meeting every day and have money to take care of himself, save and eventually get his own place. It never once ended well, he'd spend his money on drugs, steal from us and turn our home into a war zone.
Nevertheless, I persisted for many years, afraid to "give up" on my son and in time his addiction nearly killed "me". I lived 24 hour days in fear and worry. Even when he was clean, I worried that he would relapse because he usually did. He once got 3 years sobriety under his belt but eventually slipped back into old ways and continued the cycle.
There came a day, after driving an hour to another city and threatening to kick down a crack house door if they didn't send him out (not my usual lady-like behaviour, just pure insanity), and after he did and I spent the night at his place and then left in the morning to drive home, while he returned to the crack house, I stopped my car on the highway, crying too hard to drive and I told God that I could not do one more day living in my son's addiction and I asked God to take care of my son because I could no longer even try.
That was my turning point, when I gave my son's care to God and then found my own meetings to help me find my balance again. CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group, and Al-anon and Nar-anon that are similar fellowships and this is where I found a path that literally saved my life. I went alone but was greeted at the door by a couple of members who understood completely...even though all I could do was stand there and sob. They didn't know my story but they knew my pain and they welcomed me and handed me tissues as I cried through the first two meetings before I could even find my voice to speak.
I learned to work 12 little steps that I still use daily in my life and I learned that nothing I did nor did not do could save my son until he himself was ready to find recovery. I learned that love couldn't save our addicted loved ones, if it could not one of us would be here. I learned that I can heal from the pain and live a wonderful, happy, peaceful life and find the beauty in each day...even though my son is still lost somewhere in his addiction all these years later. I learned that I could not live in MY recovery and HIS addiction at the same time and since the only person I could change was me, I worked very hard to find my way back from the darkest abyss of hell that had been my life.
I found SoberRecovery and have been here 12 years, learning each day from those who have gone before me and passing on what I learned to newcomers like you. I WAS you, I know your pain because I lived it. I know your fear, your desperation, your horror of what you life is becoming and I can promise you from my heart that life doesn't have to be that bad, not for one more day.
You too can find a path that will bring you back to sanity, to peace, to a place where you too will embrace the beauty of each sunrise and day that follows. I promise you from this mama's heart to yours, that you can find your balance again. I can't do it for you, I can only share as I am here and now, what worked for me. I can hold your hand and assure you until you find your footing and I can walk beside you, as we all do, along your path of recovery. We hold each other up, we share our tears and our laughter and our hearts, and we go forward each day following the light ahead that is held by those who go before us.
I am so very sorry for your pain, we are here for you and you are no longer alone.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
For too many years as my son was in the revolving door or addiction/recovery/relapse, we let him come home to live, thinking if we loved him enough and gave him a clean, safe, loving environment and set rules to make sure he was working his program, that he would stay clean and move forward in his life healthier for the journey. My husband gave him a job so he could go to a day meeting every day and have money to take care of himself, save and eventually get his own place. It never once ended well, he'd spend his money on drugs, steal from us and turn our home into a war zone.
Nevertheless, I persisted for many years, afraid to "give up" on my son and in time his addiction nearly killed "me". I lived 24 hour days in fear and worry. Even when he was clean, I worried that he would relapse because he usually did. He once got 3 years sobriety under his belt but eventually slipped back into old ways and continued the cycle.
There came a day, after driving an hour to another city and threatening to kick down a crack house door if they didn't send him out (not my usual lady-like behaviour, just pure insanity), and after he did and I spent the night at his place and then left in the morning to drive home, while he returned to the crack house, I stopped my car on the highway, crying too hard to drive and I told God that I could not do one more day living in my son's addiction and I asked God to take care of my son because I could no longer even try.
That was my turning point, when I gave my son's care to God and then found my own meetings to help me find my balance again. CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) was my home group, and Al-anon and Nar-anon that are similar fellowships and this is where I found a path that literally saved my life. I went alone but was greeted at the door by a couple of members who understood completely...even though all I could do was stand there and sob. They didn't know my story but they knew my pain and they welcomed me and handed me tissues as I cried through the first two meetings before I could even find my voice to speak.
I learned to work 12 little steps that I still use daily in my life and I learned that nothing I did nor did not do could save my son until he himself was ready to find recovery. I learned that love couldn't save our addicted loved ones, if it could not one of us would be here. I learned that I can heal from the pain and live a wonderful, happy, peaceful life and find the beauty in each day...even though my son is still lost somewhere in his addiction all these years later. I learned that I could not live in MY recovery and HIS addiction at the same time and since the only person I could change was me, I worked very hard to find my way back from the darkest abyss of hell that had been my life.
I found SoberRecovery and have been here 12 years, learning each day from those who have gone before me and passing on what I learned to newcomers like you. I WAS you, I know your pain because I lived it. I know your fear, your desperation, your horror of what you life is becoming and I can promise you from my heart that life doesn't have to be that bad, not for one more day.
You too can find a path that will bring you back to sanity, to peace, to a place where you too will embrace the beauty of each sunrise and day that follows. I promise you from this mama's heart to yours, that you can find your balance again. I can't do it for you, I can only share as I am here and now, what worked for me. I can hold your hand and assure you until you find your footing and I can walk beside you, as we all do, along your path of recovery. We hold each other up, we share our tears and our laughter and our hearts, and we go forward each day following the light ahead that is held by those who go before us.
I am so very sorry for your pain, we are here for you and you are no longer alone.
Hugs from my heart to yours.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Please let me add, many addicts do find recovery and hang on to it. A few forums up you can meet many of them here at SR. On this forum we have many double winners, members who have lived both sides of addiction.
I say this because there is always hope and as long as I draw a breath, I will hope that my son (and yours) finds a better path one day soon.
I believe God loves all His children, including His addicted ones, and I believe He can do for our sons what we cannott.
So I hope my post didn't scare you or make you sad. I can only tell you my story, but there are many many here with happy endings.
I just wanted to clarify, when I re-read what I posted above I thought "Oh lordy, I probably scared that poor woman to death."
There is no such thing as a hopeless case, often those we least expect to find recovery find it an keep it. Sometimes it's a long journey, sometimes not.
Hugs again
I say this because there is always hope and as long as I draw a breath, I will hope that my son (and yours) finds a better path one day soon.
I believe God loves all His children, including His addicted ones, and I believe He can do for our sons what we cannott.
So I hope my post didn't scare you or make you sad. I can only tell you my story, but there are many many here with happy endings.
I just wanted to clarify, when I re-read what I posted above I thought "Oh lordy, I probably scared that poor woman to death."
There is no such thing as a hopeless case, often those we least expect to find recovery find it an keep it. Sometimes it's a long journey, sometimes not.
Hugs again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: long island ny
Posts: 64
ann, thank you so much for your kind words. i wake up each day praying for some relief from this pain. waiting to get that phone call that tells me my son is gone. your words give me hope that even in the darkest of times you found the strenght to move forward. for me it has been so many years of torture , i just don't know how much more i can endure. this insanity has put me in the hospital and affected my job, and isolated me from life. addiction robs everyones souls. i just wake up waiting for the nightmare to be over but its just another day of saddness and hopelessness. i hope i find the strenght that you did. friends don't really understand because they don't live it so thank you for your support . with you and others like yourself maybe i will make it another day t
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Maybe find a meeting in your area and give it a try. It sometimes takes trying a few before you find the one you feel most comfortable in, but I promise you that you will be glad you sought one out. The meetings that help us, rather than our addicted loved ones, are the best ones to begin. Don't be afraid to go alone, maybe call ahead to make sure the meeting time and place is current, but once you find one the people there will welcome you just like we did.
And take a read around here, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, there is a lot of helpful information there.
We're here for you, I am glad you joined us.
Hugs
And take a read around here, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, there is a lot of helpful information there.
We're here for you, I am glad you joined us.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 21
I don't have a child that is addicted, I cant imagine that. My boyfriend was hooked on alcohol and cocaine. I would not have had any chance of a relationship with that wonderful man if I didn't get help for myself during our time together. It saved me. You have lived in agony far too long, It doesn't mean you are giving up on your son if you seek help for yourself. You do not have to suffer another day alone either. I know you are scared but you will see there is no reason to be.
Good luck and take your first step and go to a meeting, you will not regret it.
Camcam
Good luck and take your first step and go to a meeting, you will not regret it.
Camcam
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: long island ny
Posts: 64
ann,
i did get myself to a NA meeting after taking your suggestion. beforew i even got through the door two people grabbed my hands and told me that i was in the right place. i sat and listened. if only for that one hour i felt some sense of relief it was the best hour i've had in some time. i will go back every thursday night and understand that my son's addiction doesn't need to be mine. maybe learn to just live in the moment more . thank you so much.
i did get myself to a NA meeting after taking your suggestion. beforew i even got through the door two people grabbed my hands and told me that i was in the right place. i sat and listened. if only for that one hour i felt some sense of relief it was the best hour i've had in some time. i will go back every thursday night and understand that my son's addiction doesn't need to be mine. maybe learn to just live in the moment more . thank you so much.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Red Bank
Posts: 78
Dear Oceanlady - I knowhow you feel. I too have an addicted son and just went thru a relapse which has taken away all the trust I had in Him. It is a long road. Each day is hard. This board and NA meetings help if only that you know you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Oceanlady, welcome to SR. I hope that you continue to find support and strength from this forum and from your NarAnon meetings. I too am the mother of a young heroin addict (20), my oldest daughter, who says she wants to be clean but has turned down two excellent rehabs in less than a month. She has put our family through so much over so many years, but the heroin addiction is by far the most awful to bear. Watching a drug take over your child is too painful for many of our family members and friends to understand--but you will find such great support here and in meetings that it will become less painful when others' can't understand or empathize. So rarely do I need sympathy--it has a kind of falseness or distance to it--know what I mean? I am so glad you made it to a meeting. That is where you will find pure empathy, a true tonic to get you started on your road to recovery.
I understand well the anxiety, job loss, nightmares, and sadness, but I can tell you that the advice you get here, and the work you do on yourself will free you from much of that if you keep at it. You deserve to be happy and live without fear.
Take care, and do something nice for yourself today.
I understand well the anxiety, job loss, nightmares, and sadness, but I can tell you that the advice you get here, and the work you do on yourself will free you from much of that if you keep at it. You deserve to be happy and live without fear.
Take care, and do something nice for yourself today.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by oceanlady1958 
ann,
i did get myself to a NA meeting after taking your suggestion. beforew i even got through the door two people grabbed my hands and told me that i was in the right place. i sat and listened. if only for that one hour i felt some sense of relief it was the best hour i've had in some time. i will go back every thursday night and understand that my son's addiction doesn't need to be mine. maybe learn to just live in the moment more . thank you so much.
i did get myself to a NA meeting after taking your suggestion. beforew i even got through the door two people grabbed my hands and told me that i was in the right place. i sat and listened. if only for that one hour i felt some sense of relief it was the best hour i've had in some time. i will go back every thursday night and understand that my son's addiction doesn't need to be mine. maybe learn to just live in the moment more . thank you so much.
Nar-anon is a wonderful source of support. (NA usually refers to Narcotics Anonymous, meetings that help our addicted loved ones), but I knew what you meant.
The more you work on your own recovery, the sooner you will find your balance in all this.
Big hugs because I am proud of you for taking this huge step...to find the courage to just show up at a meeting.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: long island ny
Posts: 64
so low today
thank you for your kind words, but this weekend is so difficult. my son has failed 8 rehabs 13 arrests and being stabbed stikk has not hit his rock bottom. it is possible that he may not have one i surely have hit mine. with the warm weather here all i can feel is tremendous loss and the memories flooding back of better times of the past. i see people teaching their kids to ride bikes, i cry, i hear the ice cream man and i cry. i don't feel guilt over anything that i did or didn't do but shear hopelessness and helplessness overr the whole 8 years of hell. he refuses to let me visit in jail and won't call. he hates me becasue i won't bail him out and let him try rehab again. he is in a drug program within the jail and i just feel it is the safest place for him rather than getting out and shooting up again. he tells me he will get bailed out by a friend and i have the worry everyday that he will walk through the door and ii will have to let him go. i cannot live with his addiction anymore. it is tearing me up and i just can't manage my life anymore. i have a19 yr old fantastic other son who is being robbed of my attention and "being there" for him. i have akways felt the need and protect my children but this is something that i must come to understand that i have no control over. i know i'm not supposed to look for more than just the moment i'm in and not project but how do we turn that off and just go about our lives. my addiction to my son's addition is killing me. i don't find joy in anything and try to pull it together everyday and force myself through everything. the meeting was so helpful but i need so much comfort now and feel his void immensly. i keep thinking when he was in the ICU years ago at deaths door that he would have a wake up call, but the realization that he may is too much for me to bear. how do we move on, how does a parent look at the baby pictures of their child and n0ot feel such loss and what they have done to themselves and their family. i was close to ending it all a few times but thankfully with a firends support realized that my younger son would be the one to suffer my consequences. friends don't really understand because they don't walk in our shoes(thank god). i want to fix something and someone that i cannot, can't let go of that . it is beyond my comprehension that a person surrounded with so much love would feel so low as to be consumed by something so evil. what did i miss along the way that could have helped him?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
You didn't miss anything. Heroin addiction is bigger and more powerful, sometimes, than all the love we have. Many times I have read here: If love worked, none of us would be here. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and I can't remember the third C...anyway, you get the idea. That is called the Three C's...Oh, you can't cure it.
I am sorry you are having such a low day. We mamas have to hit our "bottom" as well. It sounds like you are close, or there. you are in my prayers for extra support today. I am sure you are a loving mother. I have learned that addiction has nothing to do with who we are as parents, what our failings may or may not be. Put some attention towards something healing and good today. Take care.
I am sorry you are having such a low day. We mamas have to hit our "bottom" as well. It sounds like you are close, or there. you are in my prayers for extra support today. I am sure you are a loving mother. I have learned that addiction has nothing to do with who we are as parents, what our failings may or may not be. Put some attention towards something healing and good today. Take care.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hey...
Like I said in my first post, I don't have children, so I can't possibly understand what it must be like for you. But what I do understand is how events and locations can trigger memories of a happier time. There are locations and landmarks in Boston that, when I'm near them, trigger me something fierce because they vividly remind me of someone I loved and lost. So while it's not exactly the same as you, I know what you're talking about.
What has worked for me during low times is visually changing the channel. Four years ago during a dangerous period of crisis for me, I hopped in the car and drove to 4 different states in 5 days. One day was Maine, the next was New Hampshire, then Vermont and finally Rhode Island. And while I still pretty much felt like sh*t, at least my eyes were seeing different things, and it kept me engaged with something else rather than my own stuff.
Right now, you cannot allow yourself to go too low. You can't afford it, OcLady. Yes, you will always be thinking of your AS, and you'll always be fearing the worst. But right now, I'm of the opinion you've had your fair share of trauma. You need to take care of you, and allow yourself some space to recover from those traumas.
Keep us posted. God Bless, and please be safe.
Like I said in my first post, I don't have children, so I can't possibly understand what it must be like for you. But what I do understand is how events and locations can trigger memories of a happier time. There are locations and landmarks in Boston that, when I'm near them, trigger me something fierce because they vividly remind me of someone I loved and lost. So while it's not exactly the same as you, I know what you're talking about.
What has worked for me during low times is visually changing the channel. Four years ago during a dangerous period of crisis for me, I hopped in the car and drove to 4 different states in 5 days. One day was Maine, the next was New Hampshire, then Vermont and finally Rhode Island. And while I still pretty much felt like sh*t, at least my eyes were seeing different things, and it kept me engaged with something else rather than my own stuff.
Right now, you cannot allow yourself to go too low. You can't afford it, OcLady. Yes, you will always be thinking of your AS, and you'll always be fearing the worst. But right now, I'm of the opinion you've had your fair share of trauma. You need to take care of you, and allow yourself some space to recover from those traumas.
Keep us posted. God Bless, and please be safe.
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