SiRiDiPiTi

I haven’t posted in awhile, but I’ve been lurking and trying to just *BE* right now. It’s been almost five months now since I left and I’m still on this rollercoaster ride of my emotions. One moment I’m busy and confident, and the next I’m stopped dead in my tracks and a complete puddle of misery. I try to limit the contact, but we have to keep in contact over text messages due to finances. After July that will also be over and there will be little reason for us to contact. I’m honestly dreading it, I feel like I’m hopelessly waiting on a loved one’s death, it’s painful and it just makes me so sad. I love him dearly, I’ve come to terms with that… when I first left I was filled with so much hate and bitterness which gave me the strength to walk away. But now, he’s supposedly cut down or out the drinking and has been actually pleasant, even taking care of errands for me without having to ask (took care of my registration early and left the sticker in the mailbox).

I keep trying to remind myself that the monster is lurking underneath, trying to lure me in until I feel safe and then throw me back into the dungeon of isolation, shame, and abuse. Right? I mean, what if he really has changed this time?? I keep reading these books, scouring SR, called the DV hotline once… but what if my AH is different? I had told him awhile back that I was getting help, trying to fix myself and he responded that therapy is baloney and I’ll only get what I want to hear out of it, that our situation is different because he has really changed this time. It sounds so stupid when I repeat him, I mean… I KNOW how stupid I would be to believe it, but that little dumb voice in my head keeps whispering “what if…” I gave him five long years to change, five years of my life down the drain and nothing but a black pit of terror. Seriously, we’re not talking just an AH here, I mean this man abused me… not just emotionally or mentally, but this man beat the living crap out of me, terrorized me with violence, called me every vile name and degraded me with the worst of insults, I mean REALLY sick stuff. That’s not love, that’s not love, that’s not love… is what I have to keep repeating to myself. I feel myself getting weak, I want to run back into his arms, smell him, smile and have that “honeymoon” period where I actually believe this time is different that THIS is the man I married and THIS time he will be the protector and friend I imagined. But, that’s just it… I imagined it all, for five years I *imagined* my life was different, I fooled myself into believing a lie, I thought I convinced others around me… but no one else was fooled but me. And I have to keep telling myself that whatever “honeymoon” phase he would lavish me in would be temporary, the demons will resurface and I will once again be his personal punching bag and doormat.

It’s so pathetic, but I find myself hanging on to any advice from someone that tells me I should rethink the divorce or work on my marriage… I let their words linger in my thoughts and start to convince myself that maybe they are right. But, that advice only comes from those who have no idea what I went through or why I left. What if I responded with the truth, what if I told them I left because he kicked me in the stomach once and I fell down two flights of stairs and could barely walk for weeks, I was in so much pain that I cried aloud in agony when I had to use the restroom? I left because he dragged me by my hair around the house and threw me out and locked the door until he sobered up and realized I was still out in the cold? That he got so drunk that he totaled the car and called me from some tramp’s house to pick him up, when I get there he answers with his pants down. I left because he is the most disgusting alcoholic I’ve ever met in my life. This man would binge drink for DAYS with no sleep and get downstairs by just tumbling down them. One time he was so wasted and couldn’t locate the toilet paper right next to the toilet (where it always is) and instead used the towels and decided to leave me artwork on the walls to clean up. I would secretly wish that he’d stumble into the pool and just drown, but somehow his subconscious would keep him away from it.

Maybe that’s why I realized I had to leave… I no longer cared to “save” him from himself. He was so disgusting I didn’t want to clean up after him any longer. Once I got to that point I realized “snapping” is a very real possibility. I was tortured and walked on eggshells all day, I couldn’t relax or have ANY peace. I was terrified about what would happen, how I could manage his episodes. Every Friday I would pack a bag and put it on the side of the house in case I needed to make a quick escape, which pretty much happened every weekend sometime between Friday night and Saturday afternoon, when he was in the middle of a binge. He would chase me around the house and tell me what he was about to do to me once he got ahold of me, luckily he was drunk and could barely walk, much less catch me.

And every Sunday night or Monday he would be the same sorry mess that promised THAT was the last time. He doesn’t remember, can’t believe he acted that way, it was a monster he couldn’t control… or, towards the end, I was just lying and over exaggerating. The last few months he stopped apologizing, he started blaming me for everything, told me I am making it up because I just wanted to leave for the weekend instead of taking care of him.

That is why I left, that is why I need to be strong and say aloud all the horrid things that happened. I can no longer bury my head in the sand and pretend these things didn’t happen… they happened, over and over and over. I have to accept that I love him, but the man I love may not be the man he truly is. That I truly hope he does change for HIM, not me… because I CANNOT be his personal punching bag and doormat while he’s trying to get himself there. I cannot allow him to destroy what little dignity I have left. I have to love myself more because the AH I shared vows with decided not to. I am a good person with only one life to live… I can’t sacrifice my life to save someone who will squander it. I have to get my head straight. I hope my heart will heal, but I worry my mind is not capable of blowing through the fog.

amy55

SiRi,

Thank you for posting today. I needed to hear your words. My life was like your life. I was also physically, mentally, emotionally, verbally, etc... abused.

I remember all the times that I would talk to friends about what was going on, and they gave me so much encouragement when I decided I had enough, then he would come back, and say things in a different way and I would really believe that he was changing this time. "This time, he really means, my friends saw right thru that stuff, but I didn't.

I went back multiple times, or I forgave him multiple times. I don't know why, I don't have an explanation for that. Was it because I didn't want to give up my fantasies? Was it because I just wanted to feel "lovable"? Did I just want validation? Did I have Stockholm Syndrome? Was it my PTSD that I developed because of his treatment towards me? Did I really even love him, or was I too busy trying to fix him into being the man that I wanted, that I wasn't even looking at the effects it was having on me?

That honeymoon period can go on for really long periods of time, WHEN THEY ARE NOT LIVING WITH YOU. Why? Because he can keep his MASK on for only short periods of time. This is one of the reasons why they can be so nice to others, but horrible to you.

He can go out and be the nicest person in the world, he can keep the mask on that long, then he comes home, and he can't keep it up, the MASK comes off, and there he is looking at you, and blaming you for everything wrong in his life. You become his ENEMY.

((((((((hugs)))))))), I do understand.

After I left for good, it took me a long time to recover.

marie1960

Ditto, to everything you just said.

yesterday I was confident, feeling good, certain that i was on the mend.

today, I cannot get ahold of my thoughts, I'm all over the board and feel pretty much like you do.

It is true that the mind seems to push all bad to the back burner, and leaves us with the good memories.

i just keep telling myself he is an active alcoholic, NOTHING has changed. And with this ungodly disease, comes a whole bunch of ugly, ugly baggage.

hugs to you friend.

hopeful4

(((SiRi)))

I read on here recently where someone keeps an index of horrible things that happened in the marriage so when they are feeling this way, they pull it out to help get back on track. I thought it was sad when I first read it, and I still do. However, I can see where this could help.

Every abuser I have ever met have been the same. They will do anything for anyone except abuse the crap out of those closest to them. Someone like that is NOT going to change.

You got the strength together to get yourself away from that hell hole, don't even consider going back. You were right when you said that those that give you bad advise don't know the truth. If they did there is no way they would advise that, unless they are codie family of his that still think you could "fix" him.

You deserve so much more. Take another card and make a list of all the positives that have come about your leaving. Compare the two and that will make you see what you need to see.

Tight Tight Hugs.

XXX

Fandy

the next time he kicks you in the stomach, drags you by the hair and abuses you, (oh and there will be the next time, he has NOT changed). he may very well KILL you before he dies himself. His behavior is not human, it sounds like he is setting a trap for you.

I would stay as far away from him as possible. you can register your own car, stay away, get the divorce, sign the papers, whatever you have to do. Change your mailing address, get a restraining order, get a Doberman, get an alarm system...move and do not tell him where you live.

If you were reading what you wrote about another person, you would tell them what? Go back for more physical mental abuse? no way. This "husband" is more than sick from alcoholism, he seems to be sadistic.

littlesister1

It will end when you cease to let what HE does and says affect you in any way

Lovenjoy

my heart is breaking for you. there are no what ifs... he's a monster and drunk or sober he will still be a monster. i hope you are getting face to face help with the trauma. ongoing trauma hurts deep but you can heal. doing your registration is a nice thing most people would do - but because he is a monster just a little nice seems huge...

this quote says it all, and it is the truth. listen to your mind AND heart - you are a child of the universe and have a right to be loved because you are lovable. you loved yourself enough to escape. please love yourself enough to stay safe. wow hon, i can't stop crying... so i better go. sending love, just love, and more love to you...

sunday9

I thank all for the insights on this. I can relate. My ABF once again broke the house rules in my home that he lives in (and should pay rent but rarely does...). He stayed out all night w/o checking in and probably was with his AA woman friend who is always there for him. I think she may be off the wagon too. I am having a horrible time waffling -- will I let him back this time, will he leave me this time....will I be ok if he leaves.....will I be ok if he comes back, etc. It is so hard to feel so weak instead of being able to put a stop to the various forms of abuse and end it all. I don't want to end it. I too have hung on to my fantasy of how it could be, should be, was, will be, etc. that I am afraid to lose it. Nothing has been good for us for a long time. I make him so angry now I know he can't keep that anger in check sometimes. I make him angry because I drinks so often and does such horrible things when he drinks that I have not healed or forgotten the last drunk and he is open up a beer again. I cringe, I react ....he wants me to hang out with him and doesn't understand why I bitch and argue. I don't want to bitch and argue but I do. That ruins his "drunk" and thinks go downhill for both of us. Not healthy. But I can't let go. He has left before under various circumstances and always comes back. And I always go thru this withdrawal but am ok in a few days, weeks. I know I will get thru this but it is just so hard when you can't be strong.