The next time I ask if he will stay normal someone slap me silly with ALL CAPS
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The next time I ask if he will stay normal someone slap me silly with ALL CAPS
So he was normal all week. He was working on Saturday and me and the girls were invited to Saturday night dinner at my aunts (cousins in town, my birthday was yesterday) I textd him and told him where we were going.
I went, got home around 8. It was a nice change of venue.. they got me a surprise cake...even turning 39 and not being a cake person I was glowing. It was nice.
Sunday morning I wake up to get ready for church (wondering if he got a card for the kids to sign, and if he might utter happy birthday to me.. doesn't seem so, but church is at 9 and he is just starting to get up when I am leaving).
Church is over at 10, its right around the corner and when I look back at what time I called my mom, it was 10:11. It didn't take long for him at all.
I walk in and he asks if I am going out today (every year for both of our birthdays my parents take us out for dinner, this is now new and even if it was, it's my birthday). I say yes, I am leaving at 4.
He goes on a rant and tells me I can't come and go as I please, when was I planning on telling him, - f bombs, tells 5 year old mommy has no respect for anyone but myself - 5 year old was previously a little whiny because she wanted a play date. He gives little effort to soothe her then screams for her to go to her room. She's crying now. I tell her it's ok you don't have to go to your room, just go to mommys room. He screams that I'm undermining him, he goes off. I then tell him he will have to watch them next Sunday (have a wedding and my mom is going with me) - refuses. Then tells me I kept the kids from him yesterday (remember he was working and I didn't know we couldn't go to a dinner we were invited to). Then he says all I do is dump the kids on him (I know 5 year old can hear) - I keep saying to stop talking this way in front of kids - he says "why? she should know the truth" (5 year old). So in one breath I am keeping the kids from him and the next breath he won't watch them.
He takes the short list from the realtor of improvements and whips/throws it in my face and says something like when do you think this is going to get done or something. I see that he is in his "rage" and I go and get my purse (phone) and quietly start to walk out the door to go to my car to call my mom - he follows me out and tells me to get back here you miserable b&tch. I am getting in the car and he slams the door shut- HARD. I call my mom - Not sure what my end result is with calling my mom, but I call her. She comes flying up here thinks the kids should just go with her since he is raging.
Now he's hiding in the garage pretending to clean up. She goes out to him and wants to know if her daughter and gchildren are safe here and if he is going to do something - he's still belligerent but a little less. She's placating him and talking to him like a toddler- winking at me as if to say - just play along this is how you have to deal with him.
They all leave - he starts in again - I want 10K - I want you out - I'm not signing anything - you have an angle - whats your angle. I just ignore. I did tell him then get your own lawyer and bring the papers that say - sell/split/go and that you have generous visitation (whenever) and see what the lawyer has to say you idiot (I did call him an idiot I couldn't help it)
He falls asleep around 1 pm on the couch - (after going on and on and about much he has to do and can't watch the kids, that I am also keeping from him)
I get home at 7 from bday dinner (left at 4) he comes over to me immediately and asks where the kids are and he thought they were coming home. Get them home. I said you can go and pick them up - I think everyone was nervous and panicking and it would be best if they weren't around this - he says - No I'm not picking them up tell your mother to bring them back - this is your mess. what kind of game are you playing, he says. ? I just ignored me. He said you better stop doing this. staring me down - locking eyes with me not even blinking.
Not sure what I have done wrong. And there was no happy birthday and there was no card from the kids. 5 year old had no idea it was my birthday. she did the night before at my aunts, but then she forgot I'm sure. Its not like she was prepped for it.
I am surprised I didn't get the draft of the divorce complaint late last week so I am calling her first thing this morning to find out. I am a little disappointed that she didn't get it to me last week but I don't know what I am supposed to expect with turn around time.
Ugh..
I went, got home around 8. It was a nice change of venue.. they got me a surprise cake...even turning 39 and not being a cake person I was glowing. It was nice.
Sunday morning I wake up to get ready for church (wondering if he got a card for the kids to sign, and if he might utter happy birthday to me.. doesn't seem so, but church is at 9 and he is just starting to get up when I am leaving).
Church is over at 10, its right around the corner and when I look back at what time I called my mom, it was 10:11. It didn't take long for him at all.
I walk in and he asks if I am going out today (every year for both of our birthdays my parents take us out for dinner, this is now new and even if it was, it's my birthday). I say yes, I am leaving at 4.
He goes on a rant and tells me I can't come and go as I please, when was I planning on telling him, - f bombs, tells 5 year old mommy has no respect for anyone but myself - 5 year old was previously a little whiny because she wanted a play date. He gives little effort to soothe her then screams for her to go to her room. She's crying now. I tell her it's ok you don't have to go to your room, just go to mommys room. He screams that I'm undermining him, he goes off. I then tell him he will have to watch them next Sunday (have a wedding and my mom is going with me) - refuses. Then tells me I kept the kids from him yesterday (remember he was working and I didn't know we couldn't go to a dinner we were invited to). Then he says all I do is dump the kids on him (I know 5 year old can hear) - I keep saying to stop talking this way in front of kids - he says "why? she should know the truth" (5 year old). So in one breath I am keeping the kids from him and the next breath he won't watch them.
He takes the short list from the realtor of improvements and whips/throws it in my face and says something like when do you think this is going to get done or something. I see that he is in his "rage" and I go and get my purse (phone) and quietly start to walk out the door to go to my car to call my mom - he follows me out and tells me to get back here you miserable b&tch. I am getting in the car and he slams the door shut- HARD. I call my mom - Not sure what my end result is with calling my mom, but I call her. She comes flying up here thinks the kids should just go with her since he is raging.
Now he's hiding in the garage pretending to clean up. She goes out to him and wants to know if her daughter and gchildren are safe here and if he is going to do something - he's still belligerent but a little less. She's placating him and talking to him like a toddler- winking at me as if to say - just play along this is how you have to deal with him.
They all leave - he starts in again - I want 10K - I want you out - I'm not signing anything - you have an angle - whats your angle. I just ignore. I did tell him then get your own lawyer and bring the papers that say - sell/split/go and that you have generous visitation (whenever) and see what the lawyer has to say you idiot (I did call him an idiot I couldn't help it)
He falls asleep around 1 pm on the couch - (after going on and on and about much he has to do and can't watch the kids, that I am also keeping from him)
I get home at 7 from bday dinner (left at 4) he comes over to me immediately and asks where the kids are and he thought they were coming home. Get them home. I said you can go and pick them up - I think everyone was nervous and panicking and it would be best if they weren't around this - he says - No I'm not picking them up tell your mother to bring them back - this is your mess. what kind of game are you playing, he says. ? I just ignored me. He said you better stop doing this. staring me down - locking eyes with me not even blinking.
Not sure what I have done wrong. And there was no happy birthday and there was no card from the kids. 5 year old had no idea it was my birthday. she did the night before at my aunts, but then she forgot I'm sure. Its not like she was prepped for it.
I am surprised I didn't get the draft of the divorce complaint late last week so I am calling her first thing this morning to find out. I am a little disappointed that she didn't get it to me last week but I don't know what I am supposed to expect with turn around time.
Ugh..
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meggem--remember that his world--that was working for his purposes--even if you and the kids were suffering---has been totally disrupted. Most people don't react well when their personal world explodes---especially, an addict who is not good at handling any kinds of emotions, in the first place.
The reality is that he is NOT going to be happy, and, most likely will pull out every card that he has to play.
You may have to do some "reorganizing" of your exit strategies in order to keep yourself and the kids safe and functioning. You will have to do what is necessary.
I am so sorry...but this is pretty much par for the course....
Hang steady.
dandylion
The reality is that he is NOT going to be happy, and, most likely will pull out every card that he has to play.
You may have to do some "reorganizing" of your exit strategies in order to keep yourself and the kids safe and functioning. You will have to do what is necessary.
I am so sorry...but this is pretty much par for the course....
Hang steady.
dandylion
MEG
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
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You haven't done anything wrong. And at this point I'd stop wondering why I didn't get a birthday card from my daughter. Really. He's abusive and appears to be escalating. You have bigger fish to fry than a birthday card. Do you have somewhere to go that doesn't involve someone who thinks you need to placate him like a whiny toddler?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I didn't really "care-care" that he didn't get me a card from the kids, but it just really speaks to me and how sick and abusive he really is. I grieved the marriage a very long time ago, I cried ALOT when he was in rehab but I don't think they were tears for him, I think I was just in "mortification mode" or reality over-kill or something I don't know. I had the same horrified feeling as I did at the beach. Like my insides were on the outside.
The lawyer called me back this morning and said the typical turn around time is 1-2 weeks but she knows the situation is volatile so she is pushing it through and if I didn't have it today (I don't) I definitely would tomorrow. Today marks the 5th business day.
Then, I don't know what I should do next regarding him.
My mom is going to rent a storage unit for me so I can get things out bit by bit
When he is served, I won't know what to do.
Of course he text'd me an hour ago (from another room in the house) that he was sorry, it's not my fault, it's his, he's mad at himself not me.
He makes my skin crawl. I hate him. I truly hate him.
I was never "man-damaged" before this. That is a big sadness to me. I feel a tremendous aversion to even thinking about trusting another man ever again. That makes me feel sad. I was never like that. I was very big on "everything happens for a reason" and "people come into our lives for different reasons, seasons" all here to "teach us something about ourselves" - Never wanted to be a man-hater but I feel like I am.
The lawyer called me back this morning and said the typical turn around time is 1-2 weeks but she knows the situation is volatile so she is pushing it through and if I didn't have it today (I don't) I definitely would tomorrow. Today marks the 5th business day.
Then, I don't know what I should do next regarding him.
My mom is going to rent a storage unit for me so I can get things out bit by bit
When he is served, I won't know what to do.
Of course he text'd me an hour ago (from another room in the house) that he was sorry, it's not my fault, it's his, he's mad at himself not me.
He makes my skin crawl. I hate him. I truly hate him.
I was never "man-damaged" before this. That is a big sadness to me. I feel a tremendous aversion to even thinking about trusting another man ever again. That makes me feel sad. I was never like that. I was very big on "everything happens for a reason" and "people come into our lives for different reasons, seasons" all here to "teach us something about ourselves" - Never wanted to be a man-hater but I feel like I am.
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Location: Iowa
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Be as superficially polite to him as you can. Keep it calm. When the time comes get everything you truly need and want out of the house in as few trips as possible. Don't count on his goodwill or promises to be rational and reasonable.
My ex husband (not an alcoholic) moved all my stuff into a storage locker when I was deployed to Iraq and when he found out I was leaving him for good quit paying the rent on the storage without giving me the option to come pick it up or take over the payments. I lost everything I hadn't been able to fit in the car when I initially left him.
My ex husband (not an alcoholic) moved all my stuff into a storage locker when I was deployed to Iraq and when he found out I was leaving him for good quit paying the rent on the storage without giving me the option to come pick it up or take over the payments. I lost everything I hadn't been able to fit in the car when I initially left him.
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meggem---if he is unstable or is behaving in any kind of aggressive way--you should leave the house for your safety. This can be the most dangerous time for domestic violence.
Not trying to scare you--but, better to be informed and prepared than sorry.
Sleep on the floor at your m other's place in sleeping bags, if necessary--or go to a hotel--or even a woman's shelter.
Whatever you have to do. Your attorney or the dv center can advise you legally--like with restraining orders, etc.--should that become necessary. Know your rights---the interned has several sites that deal with domestic violence that give a lot of information.
Do not hesitate to dial 911 if you need to,
dandylion
Not trying to scare you--but, better to be informed and prepared than sorry.
Sleep on the floor at your m other's place in sleeping bags, if necessary--or go to a hotel--or even a woman's shelter.
Whatever you have to do. Your attorney or the dv center can advise you legally--like with restraining orders, etc.--should that become necessary. Know your rights---the interned has several sites that deal with domestic violence that give a lot of information.
Do not hesitate to dial 911 if you need to,
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O sweetie im so sorry. Happy bday late!
He is an abusive jerk. If i were you i would not trust him around your child. Act as a single parent bc he is escalating, i agree. Its only a matter of time before someone is hurt. Be out and far away when he is served.
So so sorry. Please stay safe.
XXX
He is an abusive jerk. If i were you i would not trust him around your child. Act as a single parent bc he is escalating, i agree. Its only a matter of time before someone is hurt. Be out and far away when he is served.
So so sorry. Please stay safe.
XXX
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
Be as superficially polite to him as you can. Keep it calm. When the time comes get everything you truly need and want out of the house in as few trips as possible. Don't count on his goodwill or promises to be rational and reasonable.
My ex husband (not an alcoholic) moved all my stuff into a storage locker when I was deployed to Iraq and when he found out I was leaving him for good quit paying the rent on the storage without giving me the option to come pick it up or take over the payments. I lost everything I hadn't been able to fit in the car when I initially left him.
My ex husband (not an alcoholic) moved all my stuff into a storage locker when I was deployed to Iraq and when he found out I was leaving him for good quit paying the rent on the storage without giving me the option to come pick it up or take over the payments. I lost everything I hadn't been able to fit in the car when I initially left him.
Reading this took me back to a time when hubby would just go off over the dumbest crap ever!!! So glad we don't live like that anymore!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
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I agree with all the above advice too...is there any way that you could get him out? Does he have any family or friends that he could stay with? Could you politely suggest he stays elsewhere for the time being? Could you possibly change the locks or would that fuel the fire even more?
If so then yep you need to think about how you are going to get out with your children safely.
I have been where you are now and know how awful it was. I got my children's father out, chucked his stuff out the front and changed the locks. He didn't try to get back in and when he came to collect his stuff I kept the phone in my hand ready to call the police just in case....not sure if Im being of any help here, sorry!
Let us know how you are getting on....good luck with finding a new peaceful life without all this crap to deal with!
If so then yep you need to think about how you are going to get out with your children safely.
I have been where you are now and know how awful it was. I got my children's father out, chucked his stuff out the front and changed the locks. He didn't try to get back in and when he came to collect his stuff I kept the phone in my hand ready to call the police just in case....not sure if Im being of any help here, sorry!
Let us know how you are getting on....good luck with finding a new peaceful life without all this crap to deal with!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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It was probably going to happen at some point but I'm sorry it was so bad. I think you and your mother handled it well. Probably time to separate physically but I'm sure you know that and are working towards it.
You are a very together person, making the best of a bad situation.
No caps yet!
You are a very together person, making the best of a bad situation.
No caps yet!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I called his parents twice in the last week or so (2nd time was yesterday) telling them what is going on and maybe they want to talk him into staying there for a while, cool off, I said even if you have to make me the bad guy, do it. But he is your son, and he is going to need support and the kids, the kids, the kids, I kept saying.. They seem open yet on the fence, they skirted on well he hasn't talked to us in forever and now he needs us type of thing and then they also said he needs to take responsibility for himself, can't always run home and then the father gets on his usual rant about "he has been in counseling for years, where is all this money going? All this money can't they figure out what is wrong and fix it - I just don't understand all this counseling and nothing changes - can you talk to the counselor and give him your side? Obviously it's not working blah blah and I said- At this point, I do not CARE what is wrong with him.
My family would take us in in a heartbeat but I would be over an hour from work. I know you are all going to ALL CAP me on that.
He will not leave. He's on the mortgage so I can't make him. I already suggested he go to his parents, he would be closer to work.
I don't know. I'm doing the best I can.
My family would take us in in a heartbeat but I would be over an hour from work. I know you are all going to ALL CAP me on that.
He will not leave. He's on the mortgage so I can't make him. I already suggested he go to his parents, he would be closer to work.
I don't know. I'm doing the best I can.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
You can make him leave if you get a court order giving you the house until the divorce is settled.
YOu would need a motion filed by your attorney outlining his abusiveness and alcoholism and the impact his rages are having on your children and your personal fear of harm. If you can get the children evaluated by a professional and a report on file with your motion it will have a huge impact.
You can ask for a restraining order and supervised visitation. If you suspect he is drinking you can also ask for a sober alert to be ordered that is a handheld breathalyzer that beeps and the A has to blow into it and it takes a BAC reading, his picture and instantly emails results to whatever parties are supposed to know. Keeps kids safe from a drunk parent.
Document. Document. Document. Do the neighbors hear the rages? Get affadavits. Have the police ever been there? Gather the facts and get the bum thrown out until the divorce is finalized.
My prayers are with you...be strong!
YOu would need a motion filed by your attorney outlining his abusiveness and alcoholism and the impact his rages are having on your children and your personal fear of harm. If you can get the children evaluated by a professional and a report on file with your motion it will have a huge impact.
You can ask for a restraining order and supervised visitation. If you suspect he is drinking you can also ask for a sober alert to be ordered that is a handheld breathalyzer that beeps and the A has to blow into it and it takes a BAC reading, his picture and instantly emails results to whatever parties are supposed to know. Keeps kids safe from a drunk parent.
Document. Document. Document. Do the neighbors hear the rages? Get affadavits. Have the police ever been there? Gather the facts and get the bum thrown out until the divorce is finalized.
My prayers are with you...be strong!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meggem---building on the very good information that Hopeworks has given.....I have an idea that might lend support to having the house for the sake of the children---contact the local domestic violence center and tell your situation to one of their counselors.
Having to deal with a domestic violence organization due to his behavior might weigh in your favor with the courts.
Others may weigh in on this idea......
Besides...you may well need them before this is over....they are good people to have in your back pocket.
dandylion
Having to deal with a domestic violence organization due to his behavior might weigh in your favor with the courts.
Others may weigh in on this idea......
Besides...you may well need them before this is over....they are good people to have in your back pocket.
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Meggie, in this state you can file for sole use of a home during divorce proceedings. You have to have a good reason to do so, but it can be done. You need to look into this. Stop calling his parents, they are not going to help. They are skirting around b/c they are trying to figure out a way to say NO w/out sounding like a piece of crap. The thing is, they are right. They are not responsible for him any more than you are. You just refuse to let him fall.
Being an hour away would be well worth it. Are you able to get any support from them or anyone else to rent a place, even a small temporary place? You may want to reach out to social services in your community. I know here we have a place that helps you with deposits and first months rent, etc if you qualify for their reasons.
Praying for you!
XXX
Being an hour away would be well worth it. Are you able to get any support from them or anyone else to rent a place, even a small temporary place? You may want to reach out to social services in your community. I know here we have a place that helps you with deposits and first months rent, etc if you qualify for their reasons.
Praying for you!
XXX
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