hopeful21

It’s difficult for me to know where to start in asking for advice or feedback, but I do know that I am most certainly stalled in finding perspective, reality, or answers on my own.

I've posted to SR here and there in the past, and I continue to read often and always find meaningful words and stories. However, over the last few years, it’s always been challenging for me to completely relate to the stories. My husband of 9 years, the love of my life, abuses alcohol and pills but has never fully admitted to it. It seems the stories here are ones where the addict has admitted SOMETHING or attempted SOME type of recovery.

Over the last 3 years, through times of chaos and some calmer phases, he has broken my trust and lied and lied and lied about pills, alcohol and money. He’s had MANY lows and a handful of what I call “come to Jesus” conversations with me where he discusses the desire to change the way he lives, be the better man he knows he is, be a better husband to me…but never fully admitting to any “addiction,” just “irresponsible choices” that mean he’s “going down the wrong road” but he “is better than that” and will simply choose to stop.

Things will change for a few weeks, just long enough for me to cautiously feel some “real” hope that we can have the life, future, and marriage that I always intended to have, but then it comes crashing down (although subtly) and he goes back to the daily drinking, or narcotic prescription that is gone in a few days, and his defenses are right back up – I’m the nag for pointing out that he’s not doing what he said, it’s slowly changing back, but everything’s fine according to him because he’s doing better than “the past.”

There are a million stories and examples I could share to illustrate our situation, but it’s all the same in the end I guess really, just calmer and more predictable at this point in time. Does that make any sense?

I will try to summarize: About 3 years ago, chaos slowly ensued when he had surgery on his arm and lots of scary red flags came to the forefront. I was always slightly worried about the amount he drank, and the tramadol and occasional Percocet he was taking for a pre-existing back injury. But after the arm surgery, I soon came to understand what “doctor shopping” was, and there was now a real problem – possibly existing before or just brewing under the surface. Vicodin, Percocet, tramadol, Tylenol codene?, valium, and clonopin started coming in from ER visits, the family doctor, the back doctor, the arm doctor, urgent care…all from different doctors and different reasons. He always stated he was taking them responsibly, but I knew this was impossible and so obviously not happening.

This went on for a long time. He even resorted at one point to visiting a friend he hadn’t seen in 10 years who now lived 2 hours away as a foot doctor; he got Percocet prescriptions for 6 months straight from this guy and claimed this was ok. He went through a phase of spending (and lying about) a LOT of money on Kratom.

At this point, the main cycle is a prescription of tramadol from the back doctor, Klonopin and Lexapro from the family doctor, and lots of drinking in between. Usually a week of high eyes and behaviors, signs of withdrawal that follow, and then lots of drinking until the next tramadol script. Klonopin stays hidden from me too, which I’m sure is used to help him sleep.
We’ve been to couples therapy, we’ve separated a few times over the last 3 years from arguing etc., never more than a week or so, he always came back wanting to change but NEVER fully admitting to a problem. It’s been a cycle for me of learning how to detach, working on myself, building myself up and being honest, all while just enduring it all in a fog of lies, “grey area” and denial on his part. I’ve been to NarAnon, I work with a fantastic therapist (who has truly saved me from insanity,) and I’m still here holding on (and detaching at the same time…)

I don’t even know what my question is. How do I FINALLY let go or make a decision??????

bookmaven

Hi, you are on the right track by simply asking how, how to let go, how to make a decision. There is no one size fits all answer to that. What is it you want to decide? What criteria are you using to make your decision?

Work on acceptance. Accept that your alcoholic/addict husband might never be capable of recovery. He will always be an addict/alcoholic who is either actively using or in recovery. Perhaps that is a starting point to the letting go process for you. Also, a week long separation is not really long enough for you to detach from him and learn to take care of yourself, and also it's not long enough for him to really experience what his life would be like without you. An extended period of NO CONTACT is probably a good idea. If he is ready to get sober it might wake him up to the life he has chosen. It will also help you to realize what life without an active addict in it is like and help put some perspective on what is really important to you. He is not the only man in the world you can love, and right now he is not available to love you at all. He is currently only capable of loving getting and staying high.

Please do not think I am saying that he doesn't really love you. I'm sure he does, which is why he always comes back after only a week. But as long as he is actively using and not in recovery he will never be available for you.

If he were spending all this money and effort on another woman would the choice still be difficult for you? That's how I see the alcohol and pills, as the "other woman" who has complete control over the addict. Don't believe what he says, believe what he does.

chicory

hopeful, welcome back. stinks, that you are having to do it, but you are in good company here!

Have you tried any nar-anon meetings or coda? It might help to have others to talk to , to get support and understanding.

stick around. we can support you and listen and share what works for those of us in your situation.

Its a hard thing to have to live with watching them constantly, knowing that at any time they are probably abusing something.

there would be great freedom if you could take your eyes off of him, and enjoy your life. there is hope!

EmJaye

When they are in denial, that is the hardest. Unfortunately, it took my husband COMPLETELY going off the deep end for things to fully come out in the open. 2 arrests and losing his job to see that there was a major problem.

I wish our love was enough to help them want recovery...but unfortunately we can do nothing. They have to want it. I was actually sitting around last night with my husband and his sponsee and was listening to them a bit. The things they would do to get pills - lies, pawning things, breaking in to safes filled with pills, etc. And the fact that they felt bad for doing it - just literally couldn't stop! That is the disease.

I would definitely recommend Al-Anon or another support group. I HATED my husband before I went in to those rooms and they helped me learn to accept him, myself, and the disease. Luckily for me, my husband is in recovery.

Living with an active disease is the hardest. I wish you well and whatever decision you make needs to be what is best for YOU, not him!

Ksgirl

I could've written this hopeful21, WORD FOR WORD... Especially the "I'm better than I've been in the past" part. Problem is, there isn't enough clarity for them to realize it HAS to be worse if it's continuing to destroy them and their relationship. I recently decided he has to go FOR GOOD. It's taking a little time, only because he is awaiting a check to be able to leave (and I took the vehicle back that he was driving without a license). He said all the right things for me to allow him back last fall, for the (umpteenth time) but never followed through with stopping the "partying" ..that's what he likes to call it. Doesn't sound as bad as "chasing all over the county looking for pills and booze and whatever". You CAN live a peaceful, happier life. I've known my AXH for 25 years. The peace I had last year when he was gone (now that I look back) was fabulous. If you choose, and only you can decide what's right for you, I would recommend trying to detach from the insanity as best as you can. Figuring out where he is, or what he's taking, or how long he's been doing it just wastes our precious time. We NEVER get it back. I'm not sure if you have kids but that compounds the issues even more. I have a hard time forgiving myself for how much time I wasted trying to figure out my AXHs whereabouts instead of spending quality time with them..although time could be spent with a friend or family member or even ALONE and it would be better than that. If you need to, I'd be happy to privately chat..honestly my mouth was open as I read your post because like I said, it could've been me writing it. God bless and good luck.

hopeful4

You know, when I was married to my X, I tried doing all of these things for me, which helped. I attended Celebrate Recovery, therapy with a specialist in addiction, all sorts of things. However, I still lived a life full of anxiety, like it could spin out of control all the time. It was a very raw fear that I knew I could not live with forever. I used the tools I was given during therapy and CR to build myself to a place that I knew I would be ok no matter what decisions I had to make. And when the time came and I knew it had to end, I am ok. Is it hard, sure. Especially for my kids. Will we be ok? Yes, we will.

Only you know when you have had enough.

Good Luck, we are here for you!

hopeful21

I now remember how helpful and comforting (and eye opening) it is to post and read your responses and perspective. Thank you, thank you.

Yes, I have attended Nar Anon in the past and found it helpful. But again, I always felt like everyone else there didn't have an addict in complete denial. There is always the element for me that "it's my word against his." Even thought I know I'm right!! As crazy as that sounds, after 3 years of knowing full well there is a problem and this life is NOT normal, healthy, or the one I want, I still find it impossible to actually make the decision to leave or end things for good based on "my opinion."

It's like, now that things are not always "chaotic" in terms of pills, and there are weeks and glimpses of my "normal" husband, it's hard to leave without some big or terrible thing happening. Like the incidents from a few years ago.

But at the same time, I know that this is NOT the life or happiness that I want or deserve for the rest of my life.

We're both 34 years old, we don't have any children, and I just feel like I am wasting my life.

In fact, right before things got crazy (or more obvious to me) with the addiction, we decided to try and start a family, only to realize after a few years that we will need to go through IVF for a chance to have a baby. Needless to say, this has not been a priority anymore and we have not take the step to try IVF (This is a whole other story in itself!!)

I'm just so sick of waiting and hoping for things to concretely change or get better for a consistent amount of time. But seeing the man I love and have loved for 15 years come through in glimpses just make it impossible to really end it.

^^I can relate to this 100% and it completely describes how I feel.
Like I mentioned, I have an outstanding therapist who has really saved me.

In a recent "Come to Jesus" convo as I call them, AH had mentioned wanting to finally start IVF and I said "not until I feel like I can trust you again with pills, money, and alcohol, and see some consistent change." He was surprised by this, not angry, but expressed that he "didn't realize I wasn't really ready to be a parent with him."
In the end, AH agreed to try couples therapy again. In the past in couples therapy, I was always afraid to be blunt or honest so that I didn't make him so angry that he would leave - PATHETIC!! My hope is this time that we will go into it with the context that he "wants to change and be better." I guess my hope is with my new personal strength and tools that I have been building , a 3rd party expert will be able to confirm that what I am asking of him in order to regain my trust is reasonable, or confirm what I consider to be addict behavior actually is. If AH still defends, justifies, and denies (which I'm sure he will) this will be the "concrete" perspective, that is not my own, that I need to say - It's over, it will not change.
How crazy does that sound??? I get so mad at myself for simply NOT being able to make this decision.

hopeful4

In my experience couples therapy was a waste of time b/c you cannot rationalize w/someone who won't admit their issues. Total waste. I hope it's better for you.

DO NOT PROCREATE WITH THIS MAN. I am not trying to be harsh with you. I say this b/c having children with an addict is so much harder. When you involve children and their wellbeing the decisions and the life becomes a million times more complicated and dangerous. Don't do it.

Big Big hugs. Ask yourself, what is this relationship doing for YOU?

hopeful21

Thank you hopeful - No, you don't sound harsh. I come here for the blunt advice and perspective - I NEED it!

Yes, couples therapy was VERY frustrating and felt like a waste the first time around. We entered in it even before things exploded. We were in therapy as the chaos unraveled and it was always a frustrating elephant in the room. My husband is a former Marine, currently in law enforcement, and a very stubborn, prideful, alpha male! Our therapist was never even direct with him for fear of him shutting down. My current therapist has discussed this with me my former couples therapist.

I'm sure it will feel that way again, but my therapist and I both agree that it will be helpful for me this time around to go into it differently, also with a different couples therapist who is more direct.

I am no longer interested in tap dancing around the issues or biting my tongue for fear that he will leave. I know that I have grown and changed since then. If he doesn't like what I am asking, then there's the door. HE is the one who claims he wants to make things better now and claims he will do what it takes - though he is not which is why we are back to square one. If a 3rd party tells me that my demands are unreasonable, fine, then I know I can't live in a marriage where I can't trust my husband and I will be done anyway. If a therapist says to him, he needs to face things and budge on what I need, and he still doesn't do it or admit it, then there's my last resort and I'm finished.

I guess as crazy as it sounds, it will be something concrete, NOT coming from me, that I need for closure.

hopeful4

Good for you. Even though my XAH did not get anything out of the counseling, I did. I was in the same exact place, completely done, grasping as my last straw to give him a chance to make a life with our family work. He chose not to, it was the end. I get it. In my mind I had to make sure I had given him every single chance I could have to get his act together. There is no looking back, I did give every chance plus a thousand. Problem was, I was losing myself while giving someone else the chance to be the person I wanted them to be. In the end, therapy helped me build my self esteem and get myself to where I needed to be to be the person I want to be.

God Bless. You are both in my prayers.

XXX