Rose56

Today I am feeling very sad and disappointed. Last night my husband went out drinking. He went out after my kids came home from school and didn't tell them where he was going. When I got home no note telling me where he was. A part of me knew that he was drinking, but I didn't want to make that assumption. So when he came in it was obvious that he had been drinking. I argued with him and gave him a hard time.

So, I understand that it was foolish of me to think that he could give up drinking without a recovery program. But I was beginning to hope that our life could get better. Now I know that he will probably never give up drinking.

I do feel better going to Al-anon meetings and I am starting to work the steps. But when I am at meetings people talk about the trouble that they have had dealing with the A and about the character flaws they struggle with. But I don't hear them talk about how to live happily with an A. Yes, working on myself is important and necessary. But it still will not change having to deal with a drunk, and all that goes along with that. I don't understand how Al-anon will help me to deal with living with an A? Also people talk about getting a sponsor, how do you do this? It seems to be a mystery. Am I really supposed to walk up to someone I hardly know and ask them to be my sponsor? Talk about setting yourself up for rejection.

As you can tell I am angry today. Angry at God for letting me believe for awhile that my life could be good. But I still do believe that my life can be good - but not with the A in it. With the A in my life, there is pain, disappointment, fear, anger, and sadness. I feel hopeless today. These feelings are so useless, they don't mean anything. Can anyone help me to get through this day?

Happy

Rose,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband is a sick man with a dangerous disease. If he had cancer and was throwing delirious tantrums, would you accept it better? If he had AIDS, and went into deep depressions because he knew he was dying, would that be easier to handle? When I think of it in these terms, it is so much easier to accept the sick alcoholic.

I try to detach myself when my husband acts in sick ways. He is recovering, but he is not working his steps and is still very sick. So when he's in one of his crazy modes I find somewhere else to be. I cannot be around him when he is like that and stay sane myself. I go to meetings, go to the park with my girl, or meet friends and do things with them. When he is out of that mode, I spend loving time with him.

I suggest that when your husband is drinking, leave him alone and go to your meetings and spend time with your kids. Take them to movies. If it gets really bad, have a "Fun Weekend" and rent a hotel room or go for a short trip.

I have asked lots of strangers to be my sponsor. Some have worked out, some haven't. I will do anything to get out of the pain I was in. Unfortunately, a lot of people concentrate on the problem, which is why you hear all the stories at the meetings. I try to concentrate on the solution, which is the steps. You might try and find a different meeting that's more helpful. You might also go to some open AA meetings, to help you get a better understanding of this horrible disease.

These are some of the things I have tried, and have worked for me. I also write a Gratitude List every day, to remind of the good things I have in my life. Sometimes I have to go through a lot of pain to grow, but the rewards are worth it. Keep me posted on how you're doing.

Love,
Happy

HellOn2Heels

Edited.

[This message has been edited by HellOn2Heels (edited February 28, 2002).]

chivapiano

Dear Rose, How your post strikes a chord - probably in everyone who reads it. Who doesn't know the heart-sinking feeling of getting home, maybe after a long day's stressful, worrisome work, to a dark or an empty house. You look in the trash and there is one single beer bottle which tells you that any peace of mind or plans you may have had for the next twenty four - forty eight hours is kaput. I just went through a one week period with my husband where I barely spoke to him and was seriously, for the very first time, planning the how-to of the separation. We had some communication and he appeared to want to change and be fearful of his life the way it was and then I found out that he was drinking beers at a friends house at 3:30 Pm yesterday afternoon. Bummed me out. But not too much. I did not allow it to affect my life - this time. You've probably read all the classic literature on this stuff. But if you haven't - please get hold of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. She sets out more clearly than most how we are all such reactionaries to the crises and chaos of our A/s lives. I have come to realize that my life does not rise and fall on whether he is drinking or not. His life is on a separate trajectory which is not mine. Let's face it - we all die alone with our regrets and our triumphs. I can continue loving him but not be with him. I can be very sad for him but be happy for myself. The first step of detachment, loving detachment, is so liberating. You let go and relinquish any attempt to control the monster. I know at this time you should be thinking only of yourself. But think of your kids. You know they know that dad is a drunk. When they grow up they can either look back on their childhood as one of misery and constant drama and power struggles between their parents. Of recriminations and fights and anger. Or they can look back and remember their dad as a drunk but also remember that their mom had so much self-esteem and power in her own life that she refused to let it get her down and made her own decisions wisely and independently. Remember that your kids could also carry a genetic predisposition to alcoholism. They need you as a role model to understand the disease and resist it before it has a chance to get its hooks into them. I know you want this for them and I believe based on the posts I have read from you that you can deliver. Your strength shines through. You are just weary and beaten down - right now. The decision to part from someone who has been a part of your life to such a degree is devastating. But remember, the only thing that is the end of the world is the end of the world. Everything else can be managed and finessed and dealt with in some fashion. Love, Chi.

Rose56

Thank you Happy and Chi for your kindness. I think detachment is where I need to place my focus right now. I have read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, but I have it on my night stand at home, reading it again. Right now I have about 6 recovery books on my night stand. I got caught up in my own ultimatum: If he drinks then we are finished. That was an attempt to control the monster. I have to learn to give up on control and try to increase my strength and self knowledge etc. I wanted to make this situation more manageable for myself by saying "If he drinks he is out of here". I feel a kind of urgency in resolving this problem, like I can't stand this life another minute. But I also wonder if the urgency is really about the drinking and the problems from it or could it be about me and my spirituality? Could the urgency I feel be my own spirit longing to be free and begin to develop? DO I really have to separate from my husband to focus on me and my needs first? Could I develop detachment and perhaps that would give me the freedom from the burdens of others that I seek? And isn't this more important because my husband is not the only one that I am over responsible for, his are not the only burdens that I carry that do not belong to me. So I need this skill. I will focus on developing this skill and try to forget about whether I should ask my husband to leave or not. After I develop this skill, then I can decide if I want to separate. Thanks again for your thoughts, they have really helped me to clarify this for myself.
Yesterday I found an online sponsor. I am so excited and hopeful about that. I also plan to take the day off from work tomorrow. I feel I need a day to myself, the house will be quiet and I can read, relax, exercise, clean, and go out for breakfast. I will also try a new Al-anon meeting as I need another one to balance the week. I also have to learn more about the disease, as you suggest Happy. Thanks again..

JT

I find it touching that in the middle of all that you are going through today that you took the time out to offer me words of comfort.
Let me do the same. Someone told me once that you can make a decision to do NOTHING today. Choosing to do nothing untill you are certain what to do IS doing something. Take time to get stronger. Give that to yourself. And as you get stronger you can take the time to wait. And as you get stronger you will change and that change will create change around you. Of this I am certain. It happened to me. Wait quietly and listen. God whispers. I lived this way for years and then there was a moment of clarity and I knew what to do. I had to choose between my marrage and my child. Still I did not act that day. I gave it to God and before long my son was no longer living with us. That was 6 yrs ago and I KNOW that it was right. By allowing myself that time I don't regret the choice. It is painful, but I do not doubt the choice itself. Now, we all know that this does not apply if you are in physical danger...but that does not seem to be the case. Give yourself time...wait quietly...do your work....and listen.

CherylG

Thanks for the posts here. I was really feeling just tired myself this week. Tired of the battle to keep a roof over my kids heads. Tired of fighting the bills. Just tired of being tired I guess. All of your words have made a big difference today. Thank you, thank you, and thank you. I sometimes forget to just be quite and listen. I did that reading your posts and it brought me back the serenity I needed. Hope it helps you to know that you helped me.

Teresa.B

Dear Rose,
I just want you to know that you and I are about in the same spot. I to think that an easy fix for this madness would be just for my A to leave. I had a break through moment last week when I went all crazy thinking that he was in an auto accident. I posted if you want to read it. I really thought I was going crazy. I think I hit bottom. I never want to feel that way again. My hubby came home drunk lastnight again and is still drunk today. I'm OK though....I'm focusing on myself and my three kids. Sometimes from minute to minute. When I feel the urge coming up of dread, I start reciting the serenity prayer.I have probably said it a 1000 times today. I to want to find myself and make myself healthy before I make the choice to kick him out or not. I just wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel...somehow it is comforting to me to know that somebody somewhere knows how I feel. If you want to email me my email address is [email protected]. Maybe we can help eachother get through these times. Take care....Teresa

chivapiano

True that doing nothing is a choice. Forgot about that. Would like to encourage anyone who is seeking a coping tool to look into zazen which is sitting meditation. It calms the mind wonderfully and gives valuable practice in stilling the endless chatter we have rattling around in our heads. Anyone can do it anywhere. No special skills required. Zen buddhism teaches that the cause of suffering is that we form, or attempt to form, permanent attachments to things which are by their nature transitory. i.e wealth, health, friendship, security, the love of another, someone elses sobriety, our image of ourself. When we can experience these things in the present without attachment we can lay down our suffering. Everything is transitory. You cannot name one thing which can be relied upon to always be there or give us comfort. A starting point is to recognize this as the basis of experience. A Japanese metaphor for life is "Playing Ball on Running Water". Doesn't this feel like what many of us have been doing for years!!! I don't want to clutter up the forum with info which may or may not be of interest but if anyone would like to learn more about Zazen I would be happy to share my limited experience and suggest some books etc. My email is [email protected]. Love, Chi.