My story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 15
My story
I am a long-time lurker and first-time poster. I am in counseling and my first Al-Anon meeting is tomorrow night.
My story goes something like this (sorry if it's long): I have known my XAF for close to 25 years. He's divorced with one child and I've never been married/no kids (except for my fur children
. We reconnected almost two years ago, began a long-distance relationship, he moved to my city and into my house about one year ago, and we got engaged four months ago. I told him I'd had enough two days ago and his things are boxed up in my garage; he's currently staying with his parents in another town (same state). He plans on getting his stuff tomorrow morning/evening.
Since we had a long-distance relationship, I didn't see a lot of alcohol-related things until we had moved in together. The only (and I admit, it is major) red flag I had regarding his drinking before we lived together was that he told me that he was that he said he had driven drunk after he had gotten divorced, crashed his car into a median, was put into the "drunk tank," and charged/convicted of reckless driving. No DUI; didn't hurt/kill himself or others; VERY lucky. Sadly, he also did not appear to learn one thing from this experience.
As our relationship progressed while we lived together, I noticed that alcohol was part of most of his evenings. He's a beer drinker and could easily have a six pack and think nothing of it. This bothered me (I am a light drinker; my father was an alcoholic); I said something to him, he said he'd do something about it and, of course, never did. It got worse in that he'd go out on occasion with his new work friends, get smashed, drive home, and spent the night passed out/having night sweats (gross)/ with me sleeping on the floor and him sick in the bathroom. This progressed to him going out by himself and doing the same thing. I'd get mad, he'd make promises, he'd break promises, and the cycle would start all over again. It progressed to him going out by himself, getting smashed, and checking into a hotel room (without telling me and without answering the phone) so he wouldn't have to hear me complain. This was a deal-breaker for me, the lack of respect and erosion of trust being too much to bear. I told him that if he did it again, it was OVER.
Fast forward to last week. It was a tough one, as I had to put one of my fur children to sleep (she'd been suffering from cancer and her quality of life had deteriorated to the point that I knew it was time). She was close to my XAF, too. He was sympathetic and brought me a card and flowers. Every day got a little better and on Friday, I went to pick up her ashes (had her cremated). I called my XAF during the afternoon (we'd talked that morning about a disagreement we'd had the previous night) and he didn't answer my call or text. That evening rolled around, nothing. He was supposed to visit his parents for the weekend (his son is also vacationing with them) and I was unsure when he was leaving on the four-hour drive. The weather was terrible and I messaged his father, asking if he'd heard anything.
I finally got a call around 9 p.m. It was my XAF, trashed. I asked where he was, and he said he was on his way to his parents' house. I knew that was a load of baloney and said so. I knew he was going to do his hotel thing again (or whatever). He hung up on me and I texted him, saying no more, I'm done, don't call or text, your things will be ready for you to pick up on Monday.
The next morning, I put his medication on the doorstep and packed up his things and put them in the garage. I went out to run an errand, came back, and could see he'd been in the house. He returned just as I was putting the last as of things out. He cried, begged, etc. I stood strong and said no, that I'd had enough.
He's called (didn't answer) and texted (I responded - it was about his things). I can't imagine I'll hear much from him after tomorrow night. I also can't imagine he'll get help for his issues.
Feeling a variety of emotions right now, but understand that I need to love myself enough to remove this chaos from my life and that he needs to see the consequences of his actions. I just don't want this for my future.
Lion
My story goes something like this (sorry if it's long): I have known my XAF for close to 25 years. He's divorced with one child and I've never been married/no kids (except for my fur children
. We reconnected almost two years ago, began a long-distance relationship, he moved to my city and into my house about one year ago, and we got engaged four months ago. I told him I'd had enough two days ago and his things are boxed up in my garage; he's currently staying with his parents in another town (same state). He plans on getting his stuff tomorrow morning/evening.Since we had a long-distance relationship, I didn't see a lot of alcohol-related things until we had moved in together. The only (and I admit, it is major) red flag I had regarding his drinking before we lived together was that he told me that he was that he said he had driven drunk after he had gotten divorced, crashed his car into a median, was put into the "drunk tank," and charged/convicted of reckless driving. No DUI; didn't hurt/kill himself or others; VERY lucky. Sadly, he also did not appear to learn one thing from this experience.
As our relationship progressed while we lived together, I noticed that alcohol was part of most of his evenings. He's a beer drinker and could easily have a six pack and think nothing of it. This bothered me (I am a light drinker; my father was an alcoholic); I said something to him, he said he'd do something about it and, of course, never did. It got worse in that he'd go out on occasion with his new work friends, get smashed, drive home, and spent the night passed out/having night sweats (gross)/ with me sleeping on the floor and him sick in the bathroom. This progressed to him going out by himself and doing the same thing. I'd get mad, he'd make promises, he'd break promises, and the cycle would start all over again. It progressed to him going out by himself, getting smashed, and checking into a hotel room (without telling me and without answering the phone) so he wouldn't have to hear me complain. This was a deal-breaker for me, the lack of respect and erosion of trust being too much to bear. I told him that if he did it again, it was OVER.
Fast forward to last week. It was a tough one, as I had to put one of my fur children to sleep (she'd been suffering from cancer and her quality of life had deteriorated to the point that I knew it was time). She was close to my XAF, too. He was sympathetic and brought me a card and flowers. Every day got a little better and on Friday, I went to pick up her ashes (had her cremated). I called my XAF during the afternoon (we'd talked that morning about a disagreement we'd had the previous night) and he didn't answer my call or text. That evening rolled around, nothing. He was supposed to visit his parents for the weekend (his son is also vacationing with them) and I was unsure when he was leaving on the four-hour drive. The weather was terrible and I messaged his father, asking if he'd heard anything.
I finally got a call around 9 p.m. It was my XAF, trashed. I asked where he was, and he said he was on his way to his parents' house. I knew that was a load of baloney and said so. I knew he was going to do his hotel thing again (or whatever). He hung up on me and I texted him, saying no more, I'm done, don't call or text, your things will be ready for you to pick up on Monday.
The next morning, I put his medication on the doorstep and packed up his things and put them in the garage. I went out to run an errand, came back, and could see he'd been in the house. He returned just as I was putting the last as of things out. He cried, begged, etc. I stood strong and said no, that I'd had enough.
He's called (didn't answer) and texted (I responded - it was about his things). I can't imagine I'll hear much from him after tomorrow night. I also can't imagine he'll get help for his issues.
Feeling a variety of emotions right now, but understand that I need to love myself enough to remove this chaos from my life and that he needs to see the consequences of his actions. I just don't want this for my future.
Lion
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Big hugs. So sorry to hear about your fur baby. Losing a pet is awful.
I also grew up with an alcoholic father, and didn't understand until pretty recently how much it had influenced my adult relationship choices. You are definitely on the right track with counseling and Alanon. Those have both been wonderful resources for my personal recovery.
Glad to meet you, though sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. Welcome and thank you for sharing your story.
O/T Love your username, btw.
I also grew up with an alcoholic father, and didn't understand until pretty recently how much it had influenced my adult relationship choices. You are definitely on the right track with counseling and Alanon. Those have both been wonderful resources for my personal recovery.
Glad to meet you, though sorry for the circumstances that have brought you here. Welcome and thank you for sharing your story.
O/T Love your username, btw.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Thelionhearted, you chose your name well!! Welcome (officially) to SR. I'm sorry you've been thru such chaos w/your A lately, but I'm so glad you had the strength and sense to call an end to a situation that clearly wasn't going to get any better.
As a lurker, you already know what you'll find here, so I'll just wish you continued strength and clarity. I hope you find Alanon to be a helpful resource for you and I hope you continue to visit and post here.
ETA: I recently had an old furry friend put down also, and I send you my deepest sympathy for your loss.
As a lurker, you already know what you'll find here, so I'll just wish you continued strength and clarity. I hope you find Alanon to be a helpful resource for you and I hope you continue to visit and post here.
ETA: I recently had an old furry friend put down also, and I send you my deepest sympathy for your loss.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 15
My thanks to everybody for their warm, welcoming, and supportive responses. I have re-read my post a time or two and it sounds stronger than I feel (at times). I understand this is normal ... but what has taken me by surprise is that, sometimes, my grief about the relationship, him, and the uncertainty of the future is so strong that it takes my breath away.
Then I remember the way it was. When he was drunk, he could get mean. As in verbally and emotionally abusive mean. I grew up in an abusive household (in addition to my dad's drinking, my mother was mentally ill, although she did not drink). My mom was cruel with words and actions. Ironically, he also grew up in an abusive house (his mother is an alcoholic and verbally abusive; she seems to have gotten a bit better with medication but is not working a program and still drinks from time to time). We both recalled how hurtful words can be and, through years of counseling, I came to recognize the way I will not be spoken to or, of course, speak to others. My XAF would say things to me when drunk that were horrible and then, when told of his words when he was sober, say he didn't remember saying such vitriol. Tears would come to his eyes ... but he would continue to drink. And avoid me. That's how he handled it.
Then I remember the way it was. When he was drunk, he could get mean. As in verbally and emotionally abusive mean. I grew up in an abusive household (in addition to my dad's drinking, my mother was mentally ill, although she did not drink). My mom was cruel with words and actions. Ironically, he also grew up in an abusive house (his mother is an alcoholic and verbally abusive; she seems to have gotten a bit better with medication but is not working a program and still drinks from time to time). We both recalled how hurtful words can be and, through years of counseling, I came to recognize the way I will not be spoken to or, of course, speak to others. My XAF would say things to me when drunk that were horrible and then, when told of his words when he was sober, say he didn't remember saying such vitriol. Tears would come to his eyes ... but he would continue to drink. And avoid me. That's how he handled it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 15
Here's an update to my story: He moved out and I didn't expect to hear from him, other than to pick up his tools and the random piece of mail or two. Much to my surprise, he texted me twice the next day, early in the morning, asking to go to lunch and talk. I didn't think lunch was a great idea and said so. He called me later than afternoon and we had a conversation.
He admitted he had a problem with alcohol (which he's done many times before) and said he wanted to stop drinking (again, something he's said before). He had an appointment with his LMHC that afternoon and planned to tell her everything (he'd only seen her once before; he's been on medication for depression and ADHD for a while, but has never done long-term therapy). He did so and she recommended AA. He also told his family everything. They were supportive of my decision to have him move out and told him he needed to stop drinking. I believe him. He went to three AA meetings this week and got a lot of insight out of each one. He knows it's going to be a long road, but seems to want a sober life.
I am watching his actions, not his words. I know he wants to get back together, and, of course, I love him, but it's too early to tell if he's just saying what I want to hear. I'm very cautious at the moment, but supportive of his sobriety and proud of him for taking these first steps. I am also going to Al-Anon.
I recall someone saying that it's important for people in the lives of alcoholics to teach them the consequences of their actions. Well, when I made him leave, he went from our beautiful condo to a tiny apartment that he rented on short notice (where he is miserable and keeps asking to come home). We were also building a big, beautiful house together (it's in my name; our finances are not intermingled). Well, if he decides not to continue on the path to sobriety, I will move into that big, beautiful house and he will have to stay where he is. Consequences.
He admitted he had a problem with alcohol (which he's done many times before) and said he wanted to stop drinking (again, something he's said before). He had an appointment with his LMHC that afternoon and planned to tell her everything (he'd only seen her once before; he's been on medication for depression and ADHD for a while, but has never done long-term therapy). He did so and she recommended AA. He also told his family everything. They were supportive of my decision to have him move out and told him he needed to stop drinking. I believe him. He went to three AA meetings this week and got a lot of insight out of each one. He knows it's going to be a long road, but seems to want a sober life.
I am watching his actions, not his words. I know he wants to get back together, and, of course, I love him, but it's too early to tell if he's just saying what I want to hear. I'm very cautious at the moment, but supportive of his sobriety and proud of him for taking these first steps. I am also going to Al-Anon.
I recall someone saying that it's important for people in the lives of alcoholics to teach them the consequences of their actions. Well, when I made him leave, he went from our beautiful condo to a tiny apartment that he rented on short notice (where he is miserable and keeps asking to come home). We were also building a big, beautiful house together (it's in my name; our finances are not intermingled). Well, if he decides not to continue on the path to sobriety, I will move into that big, beautiful house and he will have to stay where he is. Consequences.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
TLH, thanks for posting your update. I think you're very wise to take the approach that you have, watching his actions rather than listening to his words, especially since you say you've heard a lot of it before.
It's great that you're going to Alanon, and I hope it continues to be a source of support for you. It's also great that he's in AA, but as you know, it's early days. Again, you are wise to realize that the absence of alcohol is only the beginning of recovery.
Stay strong, and please continue to let us know how things are going as time moves on. I'm glad you've been able to learn and absorb so much--and not only that, but to apply it and make the important changes in your life that you have!
Wishing you a happy 4th!
It's great that you're going to Alanon, and I hope it continues to be a source of support for you. It's also great that he's in AA, but as you know, it's early days. Again, you are wise to realize that the absence of alcohol is only the beginning of recovery.
Stay strong, and please continue to let us know how things are going as time moves on. I'm glad you've been able to learn and absorb so much--and not only that, but to apply it and make the important changes in your life that you have!
Wishing you a happy 4th!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 105
Our situations are very similar. I hope to find the same strength you have if my ABF ever wants to move back. Not that he is moved out. I guess he is on "vacation" with his new AGF and if he needs a place next week he will throw me bones.
I hope your AF does try hard and continue to seek help. It is perplexing what they do give up as to not give up the drinking!
I hope your AF does try hard and continue to seek help. It is perplexing what they do give up as to not give up the drinking!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
If he's really working the program, he will start coming to acceptance of the situation. You'll likely hear less "can I come home now?" as his brain dries out and he starts to truly realize the mess he's gotten himself in. Good on you for putting yourself first and loving from a distance. I hope his desire is genuine and that he is getting himself straight. (((Hugs)))
Sunday9- you deserve meat, not bones. I know it's hard when you're this early into recovery and still playing the codepedent game, but with time it gets easier. He doesn't deserve you. Just remember that the new gf is getting the same drunk a-hole. Nothing's changed. (((Hugs))) for you, too.
Sunday9- you deserve meat, not bones. I know it's hard when you're this early into recovery and still playing the codepedent game, but with time it gets easier. He doesn't deserve you. Just remember that the new gf is getting the same drunk a-hole. Nothing's changed. (((Hugs))) for you, too.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by thelionhearted 
Here's an update to my story: He moved out and I didn't expect to hear from him, other than to pick up his tools and the random piece of mail or two. Much to my surprise, he texted me twice the next day, early in the morning, asking to go to lunch and talk. I didn't think lunch was a great idea and said so. He called me later than afternoon and we had a conversation.
He admitted he had a problem with alcohol (which he's done many times before) and said he wanted to stop drinking (again, something he's said before). He had an appointment with his LMHC that afternoon and planned to tell her everything (he'd only seen her once before; he's been on medication for depression and ADHD for a while, but has never done long-term therapy). He did so and she recommended AA. He also told his family everything. They were supportive of my decision to have him move out and told him he needed to stop drinking. I believe him. He went to three AA meetings this week and got a lot of insight out of each one. He knows it's going to be a long road, but seems to want a sober life.
I am watching his actions, not his words. I know he wants to get back together, and, of course, I love him, but it's too early to tell if he's just saying what I want to hear. I'm very cautious at the moment, but supportive of his sobriety and proud of him for taking these first steps. I am also going to Al-Anon.
I recall someone saying that it's important for people in the lives of alcoholics to teach them the consequences of their actions. Well, when I made him leave, he went from our beautiful condo to a tiny apartment that he rented on short notice (where he is miserable and keeps asking to come home). We were also building a big, beautiful house together (it's in my name; our finances are not intermingled). Well, if he decides not to continue on the path to sobriety, I will move into that big, beautiful house and he will have to stay where he is. Consequences.
He admitted he had a problem with alcohol (which he's done many times before) and said he wanted to stop drinking (again, something he's said before). He had an appointment with his LMHC that afternoon and planned to tell her everything (he'd only seen her once before; he's been on medication for depression and ADHD for a while, but has never done long-term therapy). He did so and she recommended AA. He also told his family everything. They were supportive of my decision to have him move out and told him he needed to stop drinking. I believe him. He went to three AA meetings this week and got a lot of insight out of each one. He knows it's going to be a long road, but seems to want a sober life.
I am watching his actions, not his words. I know he wants to get back together, and, of course, I love him, but it's too early to tell if he's just saying what I want to hear. I'm very cautious at the moment, but supportive of his sobriety and proud of him for taking these first steps. I am also going to Al-Anon.
I recall someone saying that it's important for people in the lives of alcoholics to teach them the consequences of their actions. Well, when I made him leave, he went from our beautiful condo to a tiny apartment that he rented on short notice (where he is miserable and keeps asking to come home). We were also building a big, beautiful house together (it's in my name; our finances are not intermingled). Well, if he decides not to continue on the path to sobriety, I will move into that big, beautiful house and he will have to stay where he is. Consequences.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 105
>>Sunday9- you deserve meat, not bones. I know it's hard when you're this early into recovery and still playing the codepedent game, but with time it gets easier. He doesn't deserve you. Just remember that the new gf is getting the same drunk a-hole. Nothing's changed.<<
What is "the codependent game"? Is that why I am going all over the map - fighting my common sense vs. insane emotions? yes, I know, I know he is the bad guy but I will still argue with my insane feelings that I did this ...it's my fault. I am still scared that after his careless treatment of me ...I might let him move back to my home if I am lucky enough for him to want to?!?!?? This is a man who hasn't paid rent in 2 months! Who has $ to drink 4-5 times a week but not help with bills!!! What is wrong with me?????
What is "the codependent game"? Is that why I am going all over the map - fighting my common sense vs. insane emotions? yes, I know, I know he is the bad guy but I will still argue with my insane feelings that I did this ...it's my fault. I am still scared that after his careless treatment of me ...I might let him move back to my home if I am lucky enough for him to want to?!?!?? This is a man who hasn't paid rent in 2 months! Who has $ to drink 4-5 times a week but not help with bills!!! What is wrong with me?????
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