Learningtodeal

I've been dealing with my addict bf for many years. His level of abuse has waxed and waned and his drug of choice has changed several times. Currently, he takes subutex (like suboxone) pills and has for at least 2 years. He abuses these too by crushing and snorting the pills. He actually found a doc who is "helping him" by prescribing large quantities of pills. I'm sure he hasn't told her they're being snorted. I just found out that he's also been periodically doing coke which was his former drug of choice before the opiates.

So, here I sit banging my head against a wall again. Our relationship is basically non-existent. When we do talk, it's a fight bc he's basically useless around the house, I do EVERYTHING, and the only thing he does consistently is go to work. I control the finances so his spending on drugs is minimal. He has a good job and makes quite a bit more than I do and the money he provides is the only reason I've allowed him to stay. Why? Bc I'm clearly an idiot. The reality is that the hassle and heartache of living with an addict is not worth a nice house. My daughter and I would probably be happier in a shack. I'm also terrified of him having even partial custody of her. It will be hard to prove he's abusing his legally prescribed pills. Mostly I keep holding out hope that we can have it all if he'd just finally get clean. But that is a fairly ridiculous thought at this point.

I just confronted him today about his latest binge. He confessed, but I already knew. He's "so sorry" he has so many issues (blah,blah) but follows that up by telling me that our failing relationship is the reason he escapes to drugs. Which is utterly ridiculous obviously. I'm in the same bad relationship and I'm not out scoring coke to deal with it! Lol. What an ass.

Anyway, I think I'm just here to vent. I know what I need to do is kick him out but I'm dragging my feet. I need to get back into my own program and back into my own therapy so I can build up the courage to tear down our life and my 4 year-old daughter's life as it is now to start fresh. I just so do not want to do that to her, so I keep holding out for the impossible to happen. That he wakes up and gets recovered before everything is destroyed. I don't see that he's anywhere close to that now if he's still blaming me and not himself.

Ksgirl

I just saw this ..."The relationship a child has with its family is the blueprint for all future relationships". Scary for me but I realize it's true. I'm the daughter of an alcoholic who MARRIED two! As much as I couldn't believe my mother stayed with my dad and it drove me nuts, I firmly believe it shaped my codependent lifestyle and I attached myself to men who needed to be "saved" or "taken care of". I'm working on ME now and I'm doing it for my boys too. The LAST thing I want is for them to have a relationship like mine when they're adults (or, God forbid, treat their wives and children the way their father treats us). Your daughter being 4 is a blessing...she hasn't yet seen what older children have and would have little memory of it if she did. Good luck and God Bless

zoso77

I am about to the bring the hammer down on you. I am not doing it to be mean or difficult. I am doing it to wake you the f**k up.

Is there someone who is making you beat your head against the wall, or do you do it by your own choosing?

When I look at your join date -- December 2008 -- I'm assuming you joined due to issues with your ABF. And in 5 1/2 years, what has changed with him? From what you describe, nothing.

Ultimately, the issue is not your ABF. The issue is you. You have no boundaries and no self respect. You have 5 1/2 years of evidence that unequivocally proves your ABF will not change. And yet, you tolerate it. Why? What is in this for you? Do you like beating your head against the wall? And most importantly, is this how you want your daughter to live?

Please, do what you need to do.

Respectfully,

Hawkeye13

I grew up in an addicted (alcoholic) household and it affected me negatively for life.

Please consider getting your daughter out of the situation ASAP.

She's four years old and aware of the tension, the fighting, and the addiction.
Don't doubt that.

Learningtodeal

Thank you all for your responses and I don't think that anyone who posted is being "mean or difficult." You're actually all far nicer about this than I am to myself.

I've fooled myself quite a bit and, believe it or not, there has been progress compared to where things were when I initially started posting 5 years ago. That progress has allowed me to deny that there's as much of a problem as there always was. Because regardless of the big and small positive changes I've witnessed, I still ultimately find myself living with an addict. An addict who is currently remorseful and doing the right things because he's scared I'll leave him and he knows I'm there. I know that this is short-lived and just part of the cycle as nothing will stick until he's been sober (is that really possible on suboxone?) and actively engaged in recovery for a while.

So do I leave now and sell my house and move my daughter regardless of continued positive efforts on his part, knowing that this will ultimately fail again? Or do I support his current sobriety and engagement in treatment, all the while preparing for the worst? Because THIS for me is the hardest part of the decision. Kicking him out when he was an IV heroin user 3 years ago was a no brainer. It's THIS part of his addiction, when he gets back into treatment AGAIN is where I feel absolutely in limbo.

chicory

Learningtodeal,

I understand.

I too had alcoholic parents. Perhaps we unconsciously accept the behavior of a's as 'normal life', and find it easier to do than normal people do. Makes our boundaries non-existent, you know?

It sounds like you have some hard thinking to do. Hard choices, but at the bottom of it, I am sure that your childs welfare is the most important thing to you. What does this do to her? How is she affected by a sad mommy? (I am sure you put on a happy face for her, but overall, it affects our everyday attitude) How can you teach her to find the joys in life, when you are no doubt worried all the time?

Here at SR, I am learning just what I did miss as a child... the things I was not taught. boundaries, joy, self confidence, self respect.

She only gets one chance to be a child. If you think this situation is hurting her in any way, I think maybe that is your answer.

Only you know what you need to do. No one can tell you, what or when to do it.

Have you given him an ultimatum? Not that it works for the overwhelming majority of addicts, but I know some people who's bottom was facing losing their family.

You can pretty much make anything an adventure for a four year old, with lots of love . If you need time away from him, perhaps you can ask him to leave, and let him get the big picture.

I wish you the best..

Hawkeye13

I think chicory is right--only you can decide what is best, but if you do put your daughter's needs first, it may make the choice easier.

You have done your best for ABF, but he is an adult who can choose his own path forward or not,
but a child must rely on the sober parent to chart the path for their highest good.

I didn't have a sober parent to do that, so grew up missing many of things chicory mentions: boundaries, joy, self-confidence, and self-respect.

I became an addict (alcoholic) myself. That's how I learned people deal with stress and unhappiness in my family.
So that's what they mean by "a generational family disease" and why it is so important to break the cycle.

I finally have, but in all honesty, my early home life contributed strongly to my decision to never have children or a "normal" life.

I chose to drink as an adult, so I don't "blame" my parents, but I cannot deny that the tension, anger, sadness,
fear and unpredicatablity of my home growing up made me feel unsafe and unlovable which certainly did not help my decision to abuse alcohol later in life.

I'm sharing this to help you understand how it can impact a child, but I'm not at all saying that this is the case with you or your family.
Just trying to show what words like codependency, or Adult child of addict / alcoholic can mean in terms of life experience.

Where you are is so difficult and my heart goes out to you.

Txhelp

"So do I leave now and sell my house and move my daughter regardless of continued positive efforts on his part, knowing that this will ultimately fail again? Or do I support his current sobriety and engagement in treatment, all the while preparing for the worst?"

He isn't sober or in recovery if he is snorting suboxone. He is also NOT in recovery if he is behaving selfishly and having you do EVERYTHING.

I think you have the right idea to focus on you and your recovery. Change only happens with you.